I'm An Awful Person!

It's probably jealousy. But, I am an awful person and I have had some horrible thoughts.

Someone told me their honeymoon got cancelled and I thought it was amusing.

Someone I know has just told me they are going to try for a baby. My initial thoughts were that I hoped they had problems conceiving. How awful is that? I should be happy for this person. But, I can't. I am jealous. I don't want her life to all fall in to place. Married and then have kids etc. I think it is because I am jealous. I want a baby more than anything. I really want children. But, I am too scared and don't really want to be in a relationship.

I can't really look after myself, so how would I look after a child. I know that I would never do anything to myself if I had a child and I would be responsible etc. But, it's not really right for me to bring another person in to the world when I can barely support myself, never mind have someone else relying on me. I know that I could make it work. But, at the same time I think I should probably wait until I have a stable income etc. I know I could make it work now. And, I know what I want to do career wise, it's not something that I couldn't do if I had children. So, I don't need to worry about getting successful in a career. I am scared that if I do wait until it is the "right time", I will be too old. I worry because of the PCOS and not having a proper cycle I won't be able to conceive. So, what happens if I wait a few years and then I can't. I will have lost my chance won't I?

I don't understand why I want children so much. I see pregnant people and I am jealous. I see people with nice well behaved children and I am jealous. I see people who are not really great parents and I am angry because I think that I could do much better. Or, I think I wouldn't speak to my child like that etc etc etc.

One main thing getting in my way at the moment is the lack of a man on the scene. Of course I would go and do the get pregnant after a casual relationship. But, I worry what people would think of me. And, I worry people will know I did it on purpose and they'll think I am a horrible person because I have used someone to get what I want and that then they are always going to be connected to me, even if they don't want to be as they will be the father. Even if they aren't Dad, they will be the father and will always be a presence, whether physical or not.

I think now a days, getting involved with a person who already has children, a single mother, doesn't come with the same stigma as it has done in the past. I think it's quite a common thing. SO that doesn't worry me too much. But, what if I had a child and then I met the perfect man and I wished I had waited. I don't think I would. If I did find this so called perfect man, we could always have more children, or at least he would be happy being a family even if the child wasn't his.

There are so many thoughts I have about this. I know I really want children and soon. But, I don't know what the thoughts are so consuming. Why?