Where Am I Now?

I have still not been discharged. But I am on leave. This post is today October 17th.

I have been on leave since Monday last week, bar one night when I was asked to stay. Big mistake. Will explain more in a minute.

First off, uni have pissed me off. All along they have been supportive saying concentrate on getting better, don't worry about the course as you can come back on it when you are better and indicating it would be fine for me to return once I was out of hospital. Then all of a sudden they emailed the hospital with a whole bunch of reasons why they thought it not be a good idea that I return this year. Some of them I understood, I expected it from the beginning when I first informed them I was in hospital. But it came so quick. The hospital knew that. And, it was why I was not discharged on Thursday as the plan was. I was asked if I would stay that night as the news had upset me and I agreed. Going back to uni this year has been my main focus in trying to get better, trying to show them that I could seek help when I needed it. By this I mean seeking out staff when I was struggling and talking to them and asking for PRN medication if I felt I needed it. And in uni giving me this news I kind of felt as what's the point! The hospital were worried I would act badly and because it was my focus wanted me to be around staff that night so I could talk to them if I needed.

So I was allowed to go home for a few hours to take my car home and pick up clothes so I could get changed the next day etc. 9pm I was back on the ward. 10pm I had to get off. So I did. I took myself off without telling anyone where I was going and over stayed my unescorted leave. I needed to be alone. I needed to be out of the place. It has a smell about it. It has a feeling. It makes me feel worse. It wasn't that settled either and so it was making me feel anxious and I couldn't think. So I needed to have time on my own. I knew the ward were getting worried when I had missed calls from them and then the security guards asked me if I was GP and I denied it. I moved to a quieter place, still within hospital grounds. After about 2 hours some staff found me. I did not want to go back to the ward and they called a security guard. I explained how I felt and that it was being on there. I tried walking away from them but they grabbed me. They were being nice to me though.

After a while one of the staff flagged down the police who were driving past. They asked me to go back and I still was saying no. So they handcuffed me. They put me in their car. I managed to get out the handcuffs and tried to get out the car by winding down the window and trying to open it from the outside but the police man grabbed on to me. By now I was feeling even worse and was getting quite angry about being dragged back to the ward so I was struggling. They dumped me back on the ward and staff took me to my room and IM'd me with medication but I was still quite irate. I had a razor on me also as I planned on self harming. I didn't tell them this but they knew as they had found the broken remnants of one. They were holding on to me as I would not give it up and while I was upset they wouldn't leave me alone. At this point they were wanting to get me transferred to PICU again and even called the local one trying to get me a bed there. Thankfully they were full and the one I was in before was too far away for transfer in the middle of the night. It all ended with the staff coming off me and staying in my room. They let me keep the razor but said I had to take it out my mouth if I wanted them to leave me alone as they didn't want me swallowing it in my sleep. So I was able to wrap it in a tissue and put it under the pillow. It ended with me falling asleep.

The next morning I was woken by staff coming in my room to get the razor. Being as though I was in a medication hangover I gave it up with no resistance. So that was on Thursday.

What has happened since then?

Even though I had been upset the night before the PDoc granted my leave and over the weekend I went to a family wedding. It was really hard. All my family know that I have been in hospital and so I had them constantly checking on me making sure I was ok and trying to talk to me about what had happened and what was happening now. I got home from the wedding drained. It didn't help my Dad got really pissed and was really annoying. The split between my parents is also bothering me quite a lot. I feel as though I am in the middle of both of them. I am living with my Mum at the moment. We have moved house and it is a lot smaller than the house we lived in with my Dad. So she has had to leave quite a lot of stuff. But he doesn't want her stuff around and so he keeps on at me to try and get my Mum to sort it out and has boxed up a load of stuff and made me bring it back. I keep getting from both of them their own takes on things and how they are coping and I know it sounds selfish but I can't cope at the moment with dealing with their problems as well as my own. The PDoc said I need to set boundaries with them, but I don't feel that I can.

What am I going to do with the next year?

Well I am going to have to claim benefits for a while. I don't hold much hope in getting a job any time soon. I feel that I am not well enough yet to do something that I hate doing as it will make me feel worse. I know that will probably receive criticism from some people but if you don't like what you read don't read it. I don't plan on being on them long. I am giving myself until Xmas to get myself sorted out with a job. I am also going to try and do some short courses while I am off over the next year. I want to do something that is going to help me with my career as I haven't exactly gone and helped it by getting sectioned. So I was thinking something like counselling skills. I will have to see what's out there.

So, I went back to the hospital today after my weekend of leave. I had to see the PDOC. We had a chat about basically everything I have written on here and diagnosis. He asked me what I thought about everything now and I said I was worried as I had been having bad thoughts over the weekend. He said he had the feeling that being in hospital made things worse for me in terms of the self harm as I have more things stopping me at home. The fact I can't lock any doors is a major factor at home. And the house is so small that I would feel weird self harming while my Mum is so close. He said he felt that if something was going to happen it would have happened by now with me. So although I felt worried he had less concerns. He spoke to me about diagnosis also.

 He said it wasn't a PD. He said there was no way I could complete a year of a Masters level course and not completely fall apart at the first hurdle. He said he would expect someone with a PD to have increased self harm and attempts when they were stressed and struggling over things such as hard essays and other bad things that happen in life. He said it hadn't happened with me. He said I had stumbled at times but had managed to get myself through it. He also said with PD the traits are there all the time where as with me they are not, they are just there when I am struggling. And on to the traits. There are not enough traits there to be able to be diagnosed with it. He said he agreed with the diagnosis of Cyclothymic disorder (basically a milder form of bi-polar) that the other PDoc had given me. The medication that I have been given for mood disorder has worked which again indicates it is a mood disorder.

I have said all along that there are traits. I have acknowledged that, but I have also said it is not a PD. I have tried to fight this, not just because of the stigma of PD but because I felt I didn't have it.

There is someone who commented on one of my posts under anonymous was quite rude over the diagnosis thing. I don't get people who go by anonymous. Why hide behind it? Anyway, that's a whole new topic and I have written enough now. I am tired and going to go to bed after being a good patient on leave and taking my range of medication. I wonder how long I will have to deal with medication for if it's something I will be on for the rest of my life. It makes me kind of worried really. But if the sodium valporate is stabilising my mood then I should be thankful for that. At the moment I need just to concentrate on that.

Update

Shit news first...

I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)

I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.

I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.

Anyway, on to other news.

Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.

She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.

This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.

 I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.

I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?

Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.

Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.

Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!

Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.

xxx

What Is Wrong With Me?

A few people have mentioned bi-polar. I am not sure. Yes I get my hyper moods, thoughts racing, am motivated, I am irritated easily, spend lots of money ( I have had issues with money since being about 12-13, see earlier blogs) or wish to, am impatient with people etc. But these, well most of them can just be personality traits. Can't they?

I have consulted Dr Google and Dr Google's tests. And that indicates it. But. I feel as I have never been full on manic that it wouldn't be that.

I have never mentioned it to Dr T or anyone as I don't want them thinking I have Munchhausen's on top of "issues". I am also quite scared if they then did diagnose it's more of a reason to be made to go into hospital. I don't want drugs that zombify me or make me pile on weight. Because, if they did I wouldn't take them. I am giving Quetiapine ago and I know that can be used in the treatment of bi-polar.

In my head I don't feel normal. I know my thoughts aren't right and there is no logic to them. I have to stop, slow down and rationalise with myself.

I would be happier with diagnosis of bi-polar than having PD traits. As doesn't everyone have some PD traits? Well everyone on my course does and the Clinical Psychologist that ran that session does.

I am scared of having a diagnosis. But at least if you are given a diagnosis you can be treated.

I have had my suspicions for a while. Which also makes me think it can't be that. But I have seen I think 3 different Psychiatrists now and none of them have ever said anything like that. On top of what I listed above I am...

Paranoid
Have to have control of situations and fear losing control.
Obs the deep depression, self harm and suicidal ideation which seems to be on a reel in my head.
Worry about people's perceptions of me and will go out my way to make them improve by doing something incredibly nice for them. I will also avoid telling people about certain things about me.
I like to be on my own most the time.
I can be reckless and do silly things that could possibly endanger me.

I can't think of anymore at the moment.

I am scared about being diagnosed with something. I am scared I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. I just want to be normal. But what is normal?

I read somewhere earlier that normal is just a cycle on a washing machine. I just don't want to go through cycles of this depression for the rest of my life. I can deal with the other bits. But feeling like this.

No Thank You!!!