I slept a lot last night. I went to bed at 1. My friend woke me up at 8.30am to be let out the house and I thought I would go back to bed for an hour or so. I didn't wake up until 3pm. I don't feel rested at all. I feel awful. Not in a physical way but mentally. I don't know why but I am having those feelings like when I have done something that has required a hospital trip or like after I was done on a 136.
It is a knot in my stomach that I feel something is uncompleted. It's a sickening feeling of feeling let down and a failure. It may be something to do with the dreams I have having last night. I can't remember many of them.
There was one where I dreamt I was in hospital. I think I was in the hospital grounds and I stabbed myself in my abdomen. The knife or what ever it was was stuck in deeply. I was on a trolley in the normal, not serious injury area of the hospital. It wasn't my hospital or hospital I had been to but it was the staff from my hospital. And bitch nurse was there. I pulled the knife out and I started bleeding and I could feel the warmth of the blood pouring down my legs. The nurse started shouting at me for being stupid. A couple of nurses then rushed me round to the serious injury area, again it wasn't my hospital but the staff were from my hospital. They were saying I needed to have an operation and they would need to let my family know as I would be in hospital for a few days. I said I didn't want them to know and I didn't want the operation as I just wanted to die. I had a really warm fuzzy feeling and it was like I floating. It was an amazing feeling. I said I didn't want to have surgery and I would just stick a plaster on it. They called my family anyway without my permission and they came to the hospital.
Another one I had was weird.
I dreamt I was on a beach and I was looking down at another beach as though I was on a cliff top but I was still on the beach. I was in the sea but it was quite rocky and painful to stand on. I was struggling to get back to the beach as I didn't want to stand up. To get back I rode a small wave back and it meant I didn't have to stand up. I was with a couple of other people but I can't think who they were. When I was back on the beach I was stood watching people on the beach lower down laughing and goofing around. It was a group of young people having fun. Then there was this speed boat that came all of a sudden. A man got off carrying something on his shoulders. He climbed up to where I was and saw that what he was carrying was like a barrel of blood that had come from a donar bank. I remember asking him how many units there were in the barrel and he said 34. He used the phone that was on the wall to ring where he was supposed to be taking it to.
And that's it. With that dream, I wonder if anyway it was related to the first dream.
I think the feelings I have today are possibly because of the 1st dream and because I slept so late. It's like I did do something and didn't get back from the hospital until late and thus sleeping in late. Although it didn't happen it's like my brain is telling me it did.
I have kind of screwed up my sleeping patterns sleeping so late. I have a Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow in the morning so I need to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight but it's not going to happen really.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Hope This Isn't The Start Of Things To Come
The past few days I have felt so fed up, low and not had any motivation. I really don't know why I feel like this. I am ensuring I eat healthily, things are going well with Vince and I quite like him. But for some reason my mood is low.
I suppose I am not feeling thrilled that my car has failed it's MOT and until I can get a certificate for it I can't drive it. The prospect of a 20 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour on a bus to get to the placement doesn't fill me with much hope. I hate buses and the fact I am going to have to spend 2 hours per day on one is pissing me off. It's not me being snobby why I hate the bus, it's because they make me feel really sick and I experience travel sickness on them. Especially at the end of the day I end up with head aches that I can't shift for the rest of the evening.
It also means I am going to have to get up an hour earlier to leave my house at 7.15am instead of 8.30am and I won't get back until about 6.45pm instead of about 5.15pm. I've got work I need to be doing and reading I need to be doing in the evenings and so it gives me less time. If I didn't get travel sick I would be ok doing it on the bus and I wouldn't mind so much as is forced work time but all I will be able to do is sit there and stare out the window for all 32 bus stops. I just hope it doesn't stop at every one!
Enough moaning about that anyway. I do feel my mood has taken a dip. I noticed on Wednesday and I have been struggling since then. So I can't really attribute my car to it. And really, a car would be a pretty pathetic reason to have a low mood. I am worried as I don't want to end up back down again. Even without the low mood part of me still struggles to see a future and is planning on attempting as soon as parents and family go away. I have been thinking about it for so long and have planned methods.
I think about it quite a lot. Even the thing with Vince isn't bringing me out of it or changing my mind. I sort of expect him to do a runner as soon as he knows the truth anyway. I am not expecting anything from it. Part of me wants to. I'm getting a more strong feeling of there being more than one person inside of me again.
I am meant to have an appointment with Sam this week but I don't think I will be able to make it. I have this week and next week booked in with her and then she stops for the summer holidays. It's been about a month now since I last saw her. Not sure if I want to continue with it. I feel that these professionals want to know my inner most private thoughts. I am not a believer of spilling all. I think some things should remain private to your self. Why should you open up about every single thought you have?
I don't really do it on here either. I don't talk about all my thoughts, feelings, etc. If I can't do it on here how am I expected to be able to do it face to face?
I suppose I am not feeling thrilled that my car has failed it's MOT and until I can get a certificate for it I can't drive it. The prospect of a 20 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour on a bus to get to the placement doesn't fill me with much hope. I hate buses and the fact I am going to have to spend 2 hours per day on one is pissing me off. It's not me being snobby why I hate the bus, it's because they make me feel really sick and I experience travel sickness on them. Especially at the end of the day I end up with head aches that I can't shift for the rest of the evening.
It also means I am going to have to get up an hour earlier to leave my house at 7.15am instead of 8.30am and I won't get back until about 6.45pm instead of about 5.15pm. I've got work I need to be doing and reading I need to be doing in the evenings and so it gives me less time. If I didn't get travel sick I would be ok doing it on the bus and I wouldn't mind so much as is forced work time but all I will be able to do is sit there and stare out the window for all 32 bus stops. I just hope it doesn't stop at every one!
Enough moaning about that anyway. I do feel my mood has taken a dip. I noticed on Wednesday and I have been struggling since then. So I can't really attribute my car to it. And really, a car would be a pretty pathetic reason to have a low mood. I am worried as I don't want to end up back down again. Even without the low mood part of me still struggles to see a future and is planning on attempting as soon as parents and family go away. I have been thinking about it for so long and have planned methods.
I think about it quite a lot. Even the thing with Vince isn't bringing me out of it or changing my mind. I sort of expect him to do a runner as soon as he knows the truth anyway. I am not expecting anything from it. Part of me wants to. I'm getting a more strong feeling of there being more than one person inside of me again.
I am meant to have an appointment with Sam this week but I don't think I will be able to make it. I have this week and next week booked in with her and then she stops for the summer holidays. It's been about a month now since I last saw her. Not sure if I want to continue with it. I feel that these professionals want to know my inner most private thoughts. I am not a believer of spilling all. I think some things should remain private to your self. Why should you open up about every single thought you have?
I don't really do it on here either. I don't talk about all my thoughts, feelings, etc. If I can't do it on here how am I expected to be able to do it face to face?
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Nerves
I have an appointment with Sam tomorrow. I am nervous. I don't know why. I have nothing major to tell her. I will talk about how I broke my foot and how I blame myself. But I don't know why I am nervous about it.
I suppose last time I saw her I was a bit hyper, or as Sam said like I had taken amphetamines. This only really stopped the day after I broke my foot because I was dosed up on morphine. I've also got an appointment with Dr T on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. Sam said she is coming with me. I have asked her to. She keeps offering all the time to come to different appointments with me so I thought I would take her up on the offer. I never seem to remember what has been said.
I still feel that Dr T is wanting to section me. I know Sam has spoke to him and has tried to reassure me that it is not the case. But I still have this horrible feeling that is the route he is following. He mentioned Mental Health Act Assessments and I still never really got a proper answer about it. It is like he is avoiding answering it. Is seeing a psychiatrist every month pretty normal in terms of amount of times I see him? How often do you see your Psychiatrist?
I am a bit all over the place today. It doesn't help that I have run out of morphine and dihydrocodeine now and I am in quite a lot of pain. I am sick of being cooped up in the house having to rely on people to do everything for me. It is driving me insane. My Dad is also not helping as he is in one of his moods. And I am getting pissed off with him as he expects my Mum to run around after him all the time. It drives me mad. And then he had the cheek to have a go at me for speaking to him with attitude (when I wasn't really I was just pulling him up on what he was doing and he didn't like it) when he was talking to me like crap. It's one rule for him and another for everyone else. I love him but at the same time I can't bare to be around him. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he was not supposed to be getting back until today but he got back last Thursday instead. When I was told he was coming home early I was disappointed. It's awful isn't it? Maybe it's just me being over sensitive as I am so fed up. I have another 10days of not being able to do anything. And that's at the earliest. I have to go back for physio and it's not certain that the cast will be coming off then. It's just a trial. I am so fed up of all of this. I need my space. I need to be able to get out on my own. I hate being stuck inside all day and then having to rely on everyone as I can't even get myself a drink and take it to watch TV. I've had enough.
So I am trying at working from home. I don't have the motivation at the moment to do it. I am panicking about uni work and what I need to be doing for this and I am going mad with worry about that but, keep putting it off.
So I have the appointment with Sam tomorrow. I suppose I could just talk about how I a feeling at the moment. I suppose that is what I will do.
I feel so angry and pissed off.
I suppose last time I saw her I was a bit hyper, or as Sam said like I had taken amphetamines. This only really stopped the day after I broke my foot because I was dosed up on morphine. I've also got an appointment with Dr T on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. Sam said she is coming with me. I have asked her to. She keeps offering all the time to come to different appointments with me so I thought I would take her up on the offer. I never seem to remember what has been said.
I still feel that Dr T is wanting to section me. I know Sam has spoke to him and has tried to reassure me that it is not the case. But I still have this horrible feeling that is the route he is following. He mentioned Mental Health Act Assessments and I still never really got a proper answer about it. It is like he is avoiding answering it. Is seeing a psychiatrist every month pretty normal in terms of amount of times I see him? How often do you see your Psychiatrist?
I am a bit all over the place today. It doesn't help that I have run out of morphine and dihydrocodeine now and I am in quite a lot of pain. I am sick of being cooped up in the house having to rely on people to do everything for me. It is driving me insane. My Dad is also not helping as he is in one of his moods. And I am getting pissed off with him as he expects my Mum to run around after him all the time. It drives me mad. And then he had the cheek to have a go at me for speaking to him with attitude (when I wasn't really I was just pulling him up on what he was doing and he didn't like it) when he was talking to me like crap. It's one rule for him and another for everyone else. I love him but at the same time I can't bare to be around him. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he was not supposed to be getting back until today but he got back last Thursday instead. When I was told he was coming home early I was disappointed. It's awful isn't it? Maybe it's just me being over sensitive as I am so fed up. I have another 10days of not being able to do anything. And that's at the earliest. I have to go back for physio and it's not certain that the cast will be coming off then. It's just a trial. I am so fed up of all of this. I need my space. I need to be able to get out on my own. I hate being stuck inside all day and then having to rely on everyone as I can't even get myself a drink and take it to watch TV. I've had enough.
So I am trying at working from home. I don't have the motivation at the moment to do it. I am panicking about uni work and what I need to be doing for this and I am going mad with worry about that but, keep putting it off.
So I have the appointment with Sam tomorrow. I suppose I could just talk about how I a feeling at the moment. I suppose that is what I will do.
I feel so angry and pissed off.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Do I Want Help?
Dr T said something the other day that has really made me think things over. He said I come to him saying I want help yet when I need it the most it's when I don't approach anyone. So what is it?
Is it that I think I can deal with it on my own?
A lot of the time yeah. I come on here, I post on SF, I do what I can to deal with it on my own.
Is it that at those times I don't want help?
Yeah, this is true also. If I have made a decision to SH, OD, or attempt I don't tell anyone. I keep it to myself. Why? Well fear of being stopped. I am stubborn! If I have made my mind up about something then it is set on it. How is telling Crisis or what ever going to make any difference if I have already made up my mind. So when I have already made up my mind I suppose I don't actually want the help.
Is it because I am worried about how I am viewed?
Working in Psychiatry I have worked with a lot of people who self harm. What I never understood about these people was if they really wanted to self harm that badly why did they tell me. I wasn't going to let them, I would ensure that they weren't able to by removing items which they could harm with. Or by suggesting to the nurse in charge that they go in to strong bedding. I found a lot of the time people who told me this were just attention seeking and wanted me to feed in to it. I had it quite a lot working on the bank/agency for NHSP where patients would approach me as they thought I was new and inexperienced and tell me. OK, fair enough there are people out there who have the urges to self harm and they don't want to and they are worried so they tell someone, but the horrible truth is that these people are few and far between. So I worry. I worry if I was to call crisis team and say I am having these thoughts to self harm etc they would not take me seriously and think I was seeking attention. I have enough attention thank you very much and would actually quite liked to be left alone.
Am I scared?
Quite frankly YES! I am terrified. I am frightened. I had a taste of what being sectioned was like. And that was tame. I know what psychiatric wards can be like. They are not nice places. They are noisy. They busy. You are surrounded by mad people. And that's just the staff!!!!! Where I was on the 136 suite was me and one nurse in a room for 8 hours. I had someone there if I needed them. And I did. I was terrified of being left on my own. I was on high observations as standard when you are on 136. But that taste has scared me. I can't fault the staff. I thought both nurses as Different City Hospital were amazing. I said that to them. I said it's been really nice meeting you, you have excellent staff here but I would have rather have never met you and I hope to never meet you again...he then jokingly asked if I wanted a shift for that night as someone had called in sick! The nurse at Local Hospital was nice also. She could see I was upset and she made sure I was ok. She knew I had been staff and she made sure that I could go somewhere else and in my worrying about getting home from there told me not to worry and they would pay for the taxi. The staff at Different City Hospital said I was lucky as they usually make people get the bus!
I am scared that if I really tell them how I am feeling then they will end up putting me in hospital. I am so scared my career would be affected as that is the only thing that is going sort of positively for me at the moment. But, I think I am putting too much emphasis on that. I am putting too much hope in to that one thing. What if I encounter problems and it all comes crashing down. Then what do I have?
I also feel that maybe I should be in hospital. I am not going to tell them that. I keep my thoughts to myself. I don't want to be there. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I keep so much to myself that I am sure if I told them everything about my thoughts, my feelings, the smells, the voices, the extreme paranoia (at times) and everything else they would have me on a section 2 as quick as anything. The thing is I know how to work the system. I know what to say. I know how to avoid it.
I know when I am not in Crisis mode that I need help. I am able to go to the doctors and say I need this this and that. When I am in that mode I can't do anything. I want help now. I don't want help then. I have gone past that. But I would say it's mainly fear.
I am getting better with Sam. I am less paranoid about telling her things now as I know she is there to listen and help me. She is not one of these people who sits there quietly, she gets angry for me, she is not a "ummmmm, ahhhhhhhh, how does that make you feel? That must be really hard for you"? I feel like she is on my side. I feel the others aren't. I feel they are gathering evidence to put me in hospital. Sam is helping me avoid it.
Yeah, so I guess I am scared. Terrified is more like it. So what do I do?
I had an appealing thought today and it was stupid. I thought why not run away, become an alcoholic and just not care anymore. Drink so I don't care. I think I care too much at the moment.
(I don't think I could become an alcoholic though as my hangovers are getting worse in old age and I am quite particular about what I drink....I am rather picky)!
x
Is it that I think I can deal with it on my own?
A lot of the time yeah. I come on here, I post on SF, I do what I can to deal with it on my own.
Is it that at those times I don't want help?
Yeah, this is true also. If I have made a decision to SH, OD, or attempt I don't tell anyone. I keep it to myself. Why? Well fear of being stopped. I am stubborn! If I have made my mind up about something then it is set on it. How is telling Crisis or what ever going to make any difference if I have already made up my mind. So when I have already made up my mind I suppose I don't actually want the help.
Is it because I am worried about how I am viewed?
Working in Psychiatry I have worked with a lot of people who self harm. What I never understood about these people was if they really wanted to self harm that badly why did they tell me. I wasn't going to let them, I would ensure that they weren't able to by removing items which they could harm with. Or by suggesting to the nurse in charge that they go in to strong bedding. I found a lot of the time people who told me this were just attention seeking and wanted me to feed in to it. I had it quite a lot working on the bank/agency for NHSP where patients would approach me as they thought I was new and inexperienced and tell me. OK, fair enough there are people out there who have the urges to self harm and they don't want to and they are worried so they tell someone, but the horrible truth is that these people are few and far between. So I worry. I worry if I was to call crisis team and say I am having these thoughts to self harm etc they would not take me seriously and think I was seeking attention. I have enough attention thank you very much and would actually quite liked to be left alone.
Am I scared?
Quite frankly YES! I am terrified. I am frightened. I had a taste of what being sectioned was like. And that was tame. I know what psychiatric wards can be like. They are not nice places. They are noisy. They busy. You are surrounded by mad people. And that's just the staff!!!!! Where I was on the 136 suite was me and one nurse in a room for 8 hours. I had someone there if I needed them. And I did. I was terrified of being left on my own. I was on high observations as standard when you are on 136. But that taste has scared me. I can't fault the staff. I thought both nurses as Different City Hospital were amazing. I said that to them. I said it's been really nice meeting you, you have excellent staff here but I would have rather have never met you and I hope to never meet you again...he then jokingly asked if I wanted a shift for that night as someone had called in sick! The nurse at Local Hospital was nice also. She could see I was upset and she made sure I was ok. She knew I had been staff and she made sure that I could go somewhere else and in my worrying about getting home from there told me not to worry and they would pay for the taxi. The staff at Different City Hospital said I was lucky as they usually make people get the bus!
I am scared that if I really tell them how I am feeling then they will end up putting me in hospital. I am so scared my career would be affected as that is the only thing that is going sort of positively for me at the moment. But, I think I am putting too much emphasis on that. I am putting too much hope in to that one thing. What if I encounter problems and it all comes crashing down. Then what do I have?
I also feel that maybe I should be in hospital. I am not going to tell them that. I keep my thoughts to myself. I don't want to be there. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I keep so much to myself that I am sure if I told them everything about my thoughts, my feelings, the smells, the voices, the extreme paranoia (at times) and everything else they would have me on a section 2 as quick as anything. The thing is I know how to work the system. I know what to say. I know how to avoid it.
I know when I am not in Crisis mode that I need help. I am able to go to the doctors and say I need this this and that. When I am in that mode I can't do anything. I want help now. I don't want help then. I have gone past that. But I would say it's mainly fear.
I am getting better with Sam. I am less paranoid about telling her things now as I know she is there to listen and help me. She is not one of these people who sits there quietly, she gets angry for me, she is not a "ummmmm, ahhhhhhhh, how does that make you feel? That must be really hard for you"? I feel like she is on my side. I feel the others aren't. I feel they are gathering evidence to put me in hospital. Sam is helping me avoid it.
Yeah, so I guess I am scared. Terrified is more like it. So what do I do?
I had an appealing thought today and it was stupid. I thought why not run away, become an alcoholic and just not care anymore. Drink so I don't care. I think I care too much at the moment.
(I don't think I could become an alcoholic though as my hangovers are getting worse in old age and I am quite particular about what I drink....I am rather picky)!
x
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Today I Feel...
Confused!
I feel really confused. My head is all over the place. It's horrible. I have had the feeling for a while. I was told the counselling could make things worse before they became better. I didn't realise how much worse they would get. But I wasn't expecting the confusion that has come a long side. I like black and white, cause and effect. I like to attribute feelings to events that have happened. But now I can't. I can't do any of that. It has left me feeling confused and angry.
x
I feel really confused. My head is all over the place. It's horrible. I have had the feeling for a while. I was told the counselling could make things worse before they became better. I didn't realise how much worse they would get. But I wasn't expecting the confusion that has come a long side. I like black and white, cause and effect. I like to attribute feelings to events that have happened. But now I can't. I can't do any of that. It has left me feeling confused and angry.
x
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
I feel...
I am feeling...
I don't know how I am feeling. At the moment all I am feeling is kinda depressed. It's worse today for some reason. I don't know why. I even cried while watching The Little Mermaid earlier. What's all that about. I got quite nostalgic I suppose. It is the first film I ever went to see at the cinema. I would have been about 5.
My family are so ignorent to what is going on. Yesterday my Dad asked me if I was feeling any happier now. What was I supposed to say to that. I could have blown up at him but no I didn't. I just said yeh yeh. I feel sad of course I do but the depression is more than just feeling sad. It's a weight, it's something that lurks there all the time. It doesn't go away until one day it is just gone. I can physically feel it. I have been suffering on and off since I was about 15-16. Didn't actually realise I was until I was about 22. I started self harming when I was 22 also. I suppose in the past I had with alcohol consumption and hitting myself and punching things but it wasn't until I was 22 that I started cutting.
I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.
I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?
My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
"I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
And
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".
I know I haven't got a personality disorder even if that's what the "professionals" are trying to say I have. I know to be diagnosed with the PD they think I have you need to meet 5/9 of the criteria on the diagnostic test. I only meet 3. But then I meet 3 on others so does that mean I have those also? I really hate the term PD. While I accept there are people with quite obvious PD's I am not one of them. I have worked with PD patients and I am not like that. I feel annoyed that they try to diagnose that as it's a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis and they like to pathologise you. Part of me wants to go to this appointment on Monday ready to argue my case about not having PD with my argument all ready and prepared. I have already got defensive about it so I don't actually see what they can do for me. It makes me really angry about things and because of the nature of the diagnoses there is I don't think that people will listen to me.
My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?
This isn't really working for me!
I don't know how I am feeling. At the moment all I am feeling is kinda depressed. It's worse today for some reason. I don't know why. I even cried while watching The Little Mermaid earlier. What's all that about. I got quite nostalgic I suppose. It is the first film I ever went to see at the cinema. I would have been about 5.
My family are so ignorent to what is going on. Yesterday my Dad asked me if I was feeling any happier now. What was I supposed to say to that. I could have blown up at him but no I didn't. I just said yeh yeh. I feel sad of course I do but the depression is more than just feeling sad. It's a weight, it's something that lurks there all the time. It doesn't go away until one day it is just gone. I can physically feel it. I have been suffering on and off since I was about 15-16. Didn't actually realise I was until I was about 22. I started self harming when I was 22 also. I suppose in the past I had with alcohol consumption and hitting myself and punching things but it wasn't until I was 22 that I started cutting.
I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.
I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?
My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
"I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
And
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".
I know I haven't got a personality disorder even if that's what the "professionals" are trying to say I have. I know to be diagnosed with the PD they think I have you need to meet 5/9 of the criteria on the diagnostic test. I only meet 3. But then I meet 3 on others so does that mean I have those also? I really hate the term PD. While I accept there are people with quite obvious PD's I am not one of them. I have worked with PD patients and I am not like that. I feel annoyed that they try to diagnose that as it's a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis and they like to pathologise you. Part of me wants to go to this appointment on Monday ready to argue my case about not having PD with my argument all ready and prepared. I have already got defensive about it so I don't actually see what they can do for me. It makes me really angry about things and because of the nature of the diagnoses there is I don't think that people will listen to me.
My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?
This isn't really working for me!
Saturday, 2 October 2010
It's been a while but here I am again!
So,
it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.
Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong thing...it was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.
Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.
My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.
I know I do!
I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.
I know I am weird!
it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.
Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong thing...it was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.
Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.
My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.
I know I do!
I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.
I know I am weird!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
