I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.
There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though. A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.
Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.
But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.
My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.
So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.
I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.
She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.
So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.
I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.
I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.
I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.
She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.
I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.
I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.
I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.
I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.
This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.
Night All...
xxx
I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Monday, 1 August 2011
Friday, 22 July 2011
It's My Decision
Sam said it's all up to me. She said I need to be calling people when I get it in my head I wanna do something. I can see where she's coming from, but, once it is in my head there is no getting rid of it. I am more bothered about the in between bits and making sure it doesn't get in my head in the first place. I said this to her earlier.
They had a meeting about me today. Sam, the CPN (who I think I saw 2 or 3 times) and the clinical psychologist who is supervising Sam. Sam knows most about me. I was quite guarded with what I told the CPN and I have never met the Clinical Psychologist. The CP is working through Sam. I was referred to her by Dr T. They decided because I have a good relationship with Sam that it doesn't make sense changing over to someone else. Makes sense really. Although this was all decided before I was made to tell uni and since then I have become more guarded with what I say.
The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. I don't know if they will come and see me though. I know I won't call them. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.
I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that. I can't help my self. I am not going to ask for help with it. I am not going to let people know I have plans. I have been told I need to try. I agreed, but I feel I was just saying the things people wanted to hear. Also, I couldn't really talk. I was in a kids play area and there were loads of people around. I don't know how to be honest. Especially when I feel like this as I know what I want. I do feel that the only way there is to keep me safe is to be locked up on high obs. But even then, I would probably find ways. I know tricks. You learn quite a lot working in psychiatric units with some of the most manipulative people I have ever met. I honestly believe being in a hospital would make things worse. I am not saying it as a threat. But, I realise it may sound like that. I have to be careful how I word it when speaking to people as I appreciate it may sound like that.
So why do I think it would be worse? Well at the moment, no one knows. Not the whole extent of things. In some ways that makes me have some control. In that there are only certain times when I attempt. If people were to know there would be no holding me back. It would also ruin me. There would be no way I could work in mental health. So what would I have then? At the moment, there is some tiny part that is holding on and wants a future. If that future would be ruined then I would have nothing. I know that probably sounds, actually I don't know how it sounds. But not good, a bit whiny and a bit "oh poor me".
At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and suicide forum. I am paranoid that someone who I don't want reading it may read it. I wonder if someone like Sam had read it then if she could break confidentiality. It's not anything I have told her, so does it count as breaking confidentiality. She has said in the past if she was going to have to break it she would inform me first. At least that would give me a heads up. I could bring things forward or do a runner. I think I would probably end up doing a runner. Getting far away and doing what I need to do where I could be on my own. I'd probably go to the coast. I have a thing about the sea.
I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things. The thing is I have made my decision to have another go at it. So what's the point in calling someone now? I have made up my mind. What I need is someone to talk to when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. I need someone so I don't get to the suicidal point. But it's kind of passed all that now so I am not sure if anything can now be done. Probably not. I just need to keep saying the right things and be careful with what I say to people. But. Saying that. I won't be seeing anyone before the next attempt, so I need not worry really.
The other day Sam asked me if I wanted to carry on with the counselling. I think she had the idea that I wasn't going to go anymore. I suppose I have not been in a few weeks. I haven't really committed so it's probably where she got the idea from. I have only seen her once since the 8th of June. I am not going to see her until the middle of August. She said she knew something was going on the other week when I cancelled. I said it was that I was ill. I was in a way. I was tired and feeling a bit meh. Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.
Sam has been amazing. I feel she has gone above and beyond what she should be doing. I bet when she first met me she didn't expect to be the main support person, to liaise with everyone else, to be going to Psychiatrist appointments with me, to be going to meetings about me, to be helping me with uni stuff, to have someone from an external organisation supervising her and possibly changing the way she works. She has put so much time and effort in to me. It leaves me feeling really bad as I have been seeing her coming up to 9 months now and I don't seem to have improved. It's a charity that is not funded by NHS. If it was NHS and she was doing what she was doing it would be more understandable. But, she puts so much time in. She has just emailed me a letter now at 20.30 on a Friday night that asked her about. I decided I was going to apply for an extension on my essay and asked her if she would support me. So I get an email back from her so late. I feel bad for asking so much of her. Especially when I don't seem to give that much back. She is amazing. I never expected so much from someone and have got so much from her.
If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?
They had a meeting about me today. Sam, the CPN (who I think I saw 2 or 3 times) and the clinical psychologist who is supervising Sam. Sam knows most about me. I was quite guarded with what I told the CPN and I have never met the Clinical Psychologist. The CP is working through Sam. I was referred to her by Dr T. They decided because I have a good relationship with Sam that it doesn't make sense changing over to someone else. Makes sense really. Although this was all decided before I was made to tell uni and since then I have become more guarded with what I say.
The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. I don't know if they will come and see me though. I know I won't call them. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.
I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that. I can't help my self. I am not going to ask for help with it. I am not going to let people know I have plans. I have been told I need to try. I agreed, but I feel I was just saying the things people wanted to hear. Also, I couldn't really talk. I was in a kids play area and there were loads of people around. I don't know how to be honest. Especially when I feel like this as I know what I want. I do feel that the only way there is to keep me safe is to be locked up on high obs. But even then, I would probably find ways. I know tricks. You learn quite a lot working in psychiatric units with some of the most manipulative people I have ever met. I honestly believe being in a hospital would make things worse. I am not saying it as a threat. But, I realise it may sound like that. I have to be careful how I word it when speaking to people as I appreciate it may sound like that.
So why do I think it would be worse? Well at the moment, no one knows. Not the whole extent of things. In some ways that makes me have some control. In that there are only certain times when I attempt. If people were to know there would be no holding me back. It would also ruin me. There would be no way I could work in mental health. So what would I have then? At the moment, there is some tiny part that is holding on and wants a future. If that future would be ruined then I would have nothing. I know that probably sounds, actually I don't know how it sounds. But not good, a bit whiny and a bit "oh poor me".
At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and suicide forum. I am paranoid that someone who I don't want reading it may read it. I wonder if someone like Sam had read it then if she could break confidentiality. It's not anything I have told her, so does it count as breaking confidentiality. She has said in the past if she was going to have to break it she would inform me first. At least that would give me a heads up. I could bring things forward or do a runner. I think I would probably end up doing a runner. Getting far away and doing what I need to do where I could be on my own. I'd probably go to the coast. I have a thing about the sea.
I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things. The thing is I have made my decision to have another go at it. So what's the point in calling someone now? I have made up my mind. What I need is someone to talk to when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. I need someone so I don't get to the suicidal point. But it's kind of passed all that now so I am not sure if anything can now be done. Probably not. I just need to keep saying the right things and be careful with what I say to people. But. Saying that. I won't be seeing anyone before the next attempt, so I need not worry really.
The other day Sam asked me if I wanted to carry on with the counselling. I think she had the idea that I wasn't going to go anymore. I suppose I have not been in a few weeks. I haven't really committed so it's probably where she got the idea from. I have only seen her once since the 8th of June. I am not going to see her until the middle of August. She said she knew something was going on the other week when I cancelled. I said it was that I was ill. I was in a way. I was tired and feeling a bit meh. Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.
Sam has been amazing. I feel she has gone above and beyond what she should be doing. I bet when she first met me she didn't expect to be the main support person, to liaise with everyone else, to be going to Psychiatrist appointments with me, to be going to meetings about me, to be helping me with uni stuff, to have someone from an external organisation supervising her and possibly changing the way she works. She has put so much time and effort in to me. It leaves me feeling really bad as I have been seeing her coming up to 9 months now and I don't seem to have improved. It's a charity that is not funded by NHS. If it was NHS and she was doing what she was doing it would be more understandable. But, she puts so much time in. She has just emailed me a letter now at 20.30 on a Friday night that asked her about. I decided I was going to apply for an extension on my essay and asked her if she would support me. So I get an email back from her so late. I feel bad for asking so much of her. Especially when I don't seem to give that much back. She is amazing. I never expected so much from someone and have got so much from her.
If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?
Monday, 28 February 2011
Help....(I need somebody)
People ask for help. Some want it but others are not prepared to listen. I've had this in my personal life and my professional life. There was a post on SF I commented on recently which had provoked quite a lot of controversial comments. One in particular said about how this person had asked for help but was not listening to any advice that was being given to them.
I think I know deep down that I need to talk about things. I am not one for emotions. I don't like emotions. Not negative ones anyway. I try not to show negative ones. One of my colleagues from my placement seems very tuned in to what I am feeling. I hate it. I have only been there 3 weeks and she picks up on everything. She is so nice and so to the point. But it scares me. I don't give my emotions away but she will say things like "go for your nicotine fix mental, I can tell that was a tough phone call"! I will have been laughing and joking on the phone but inside I am thinking Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiittttttt, WTF am I going to do with this inbred woman whose mum is also her aunty. Ok exageration there but I have had pretty similar stuff.
So how do I stop myself being my own worst client/patient/service user. I know people say you are your own worst enemy/critic. But seriously what can I do?
"Probably very few people on here will actually agree with me, but I'm going to say it.. If things are that bad that you feel this way, and you wont seek help then there's not a lot anyone on here can actually do for you.
..
This comment has made me think quite a lot recently. Along with this girls blog. They are both exactly right in what they say. I feel the same way. Yet why when it comes to me can I not practice what I preach? Why do I have these strong feelings of not being able to cope? Why am I seeing suicide as the easy way. I know I have to fight this. I don't know how much fight I have left in me. I am so close to breaking point. But I have been here before. It was 2008. I was taking OD's on a weekly basis. Planning them. Going out in my lunch break and getting co-codamal from pharmacies in the hope that if I took enough the codeine in them would send my body in to shutting down (CNS depression). I knew that the paracetamol was a long drawn out process of dying. Sometimes I would take OD's and go to bed but then I would wake up the next day. A few days later with no pain I would take a load more. I was cutting, burning, scratching and banging. I was looking up medications online and different plants that were poisonous. Sometimes I would wake up in hospital as I would leave my flat in a weird state and then pass out. I used to drink with them so I wasn't thinking straight. Sometimes I would remember leaving the flat and think I would go and get run over, die of hypothermia, or that I was too hot and needed the air as the air in the flat was stifling.
Even now I am doing the same thing. I have not taken many OD's. I have taken a couple to test the water as such. But I look up drugs. I look up combinations of things or what certain things would do if I took too much. I can't do anything that would give me a bad stomach so a lot of OD's are out for me. But I think now find the right combination and bam!
I look in to ways it would look like an accident. If I think I can make it look like an accident then I will take that opportunity. Like when I was in hospital and I tried to kill myself by pulling the end off the cannula and letting it bleed out. I have actually said this Dr T. I was talking to the nurses on the 136 Suite about it. I said I felt suicidal, I was always looking for methods. I even made a joke saying I don't understand why I was on a 136 after looking like I was going to jump off a bridge, I am scared of heights and I said I wouldn't go for something so obvious as that. And painful. I said I am a wuss. I need accident, painless, go to sleep kind of way...like blood loss through cannula. Although now I have said that I think if I was to be in hospital for something and that happened they would know it was suicide as I told them about it. I don't think do I?!
So why wont I listen to my own advice. Why am I doing the things that other people do and they annoy the hell out of me and it makes me want to punch them. For instance I am working with this woman at the moment who is about to be kicked out her flat. She has lived there quite a while and she has come to us saying she needs help as she doesn't know what she can do. Last week she was given a final warning. Today I have a phone call from the police and the council saying there have been more complaints to police, police incidents and complaints to the council over the weekend. Now why, when you have already been given a final warning would you have friends over drinking with you late at night. Why would you compromise your neighbours security by propping open the security door? This was 2 days after her final warning!!!!!
She rang me in tears, she rang me and I ended up taking her to the ED because her mental state was affected that much by the final warning that I was concerned. I spent nearly 9 hours with her. She annoyed the hell out of me; if you are with me you must learn to chew with your mouth closed and don't chomp!!!!!! I was seriously annoyed with her. I was mega anxious anyway as of being in the ED and being stared at by the staff who knew me as crazy drunk, self harmer, suicidal, messed up girl. Refer to previous post on that one! She asked me for help. Now if she is not going to listen to my advice what do I do. Do I say "sorry, you have not listened to us, you have not engaged or made any effort, see you at the shelter when you are homeless". Or, do I continue to support and have my advice fall on deaf ears. Why should I put so much time and effort in to her when I have other cases that have child protection issues that I need to find housing for (even the police officer I spent 45 minutes on the phone to today laughed at me and said rather you than me). One I am working on really wants help, she rings me and asks advice and she listens. OK, I have sort of a God complex about this one as she seems to worship the ground I walk on but she is listening. She is taking advice. She wants to help her self.
Yet here I am saying to people you have to help yourself and what the hell am I doing. I research suicide most of each evening. I don't reach out for help when I probably most need it as I am too worried about peoples perceptions of me...i.e the diagnosis of PD will be easier if I am "attention seeking". I try and deal with it on my own, or I self harm. Or I wait until I have had a drink and then think about throwing myself off bridges. I know I wont be calling crisis team. I don't even really know why I am still under them as there is no way I will call them...I have also addressed that in previous posts. Yet I am told over and over and over I must seek out help. I don't. The help is being offered to me, do I listen, NO! So I am just as bad aren't I?
So that makes it pretty much that there is not an awful lot that anyone can actually do for me. And you know what, you know how that makes me feel. Even more suicidal. Yup! Stupid isn't it. I then see that I am beyond help, that nothing can be done and that this fight is going to be lost soon. I think I have said before that the life of an alcoholic bum seems appealing at times. I don't like being bothered by things. I am over bothered by everything. Doesn't it seem appealing to be only bothered about sitting around all day pissed. Or being sectioned. I can give up then. I don't have to fight anymore. I can self harm as much as I want. I can stop caring about what people think and just do what makes me happy. Not have to impress people, not have to abide by the strict rules and regualtions of normality. I can see me many miles away inactive (sorry for the Evita quote there - dam now I have to put it on). I can see a life of not having to fight, of taking the easy way. The longer that this "conflict" goes on the more it seems attractive. The more giving up seems attractive. I am not sure how much of me wants to go on like this.
I have constant conflicts going around in my head. I am annoyed with myself as if I were my own patient I would be annoyed with me. I am the patient I hate the most. The ones who say they want help but then are not willing to take the advice.
I like to take a very medical approach to everything and think everything should be treated with pills and medication. I am not one for this whole idea of psychology...I know I did a degree in it, I am bloody doing social work which is not scientific. But I like science. I like right and wrong answers. I don't like so and so argues this while so and so argues that. There is no right answer there. I want answers. I don't want people trying different approaches with me. I want medicating. I want it to be solved with medication. Not talking. If it can be medicated then it's medical which there is less of a stigma.
I think I know deep down that I need to talk about things. I am not one for emotions. I don't like emotions. Not negative ones anyway. I try not to show negative ones. One of my colleagues from my placement seems very tuned in to what I am feeling. I hate it. I have only been there 3 weeks and she picks up on everything. She is so nice and so to the point. But it scares me. I don't give my emotions away but she will say things like "go for your nicotine fix mental, I can tell that was a tough phone call"! I will have been laughing and joking on the phone but inside I am thinking Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiittttttt, WTF am I going to do with this inbred woman whose mum is also her aunty. Ok exageration there but I have had pretty similar stuff.
So how do I stop myself being my own worst client/patient/service user. I know people say you are your own worst enemy/critic. But seriously what can I do?
Monday, 7 February 2011
Hospital - Pt2
So it’s Sunday night now. I have been listening to Evita. I love it. But it’s usually a bad sign. I usually only listen to it before attempts. Usually when drinking and I sing along. I can’t sing along on the ward though. LOL. Nasty attitude nurse is back on tonight. I think it is her 3rd night on the row so I hope she isn’t in tomorrow. I didn’t think she was in and I was telling my mum about her having an attitude problem. 2 minutes later she walks over with my drug card and puts it right next to me. I think she heard what I said to my mum. I have specifically asked the staff that they are not to leave my drug card by the bed as I have nosey visitors and I don’t want them knowing I am taking anti-depressants and diazepam. She just sort of slammed it down and walked off. I am worried she did hear what I said. Who knows? I suppose I will find out when it comes to meds later.
I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.
(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)
The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.
I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.
I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.
So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.
I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?
Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.
We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.
To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?
So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.
Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????
The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.
The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!
Next -
There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.
There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.
I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.
It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.
Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.
So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.
So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.
I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.
That's all for now though.
x
I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.
(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)
The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.
I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.
I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.
So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.
I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?
Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.
We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.
To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?
So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.
Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????
The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.
The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!
Next -
There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.
There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.
I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.
It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.
Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.
So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.
So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.
I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.
That's all for now though.
x
Monday, 31 January 2011
Distractions.
I have spent most of the day online responding to peoples posts on SF. It has been keeping me distracted for wanting to self harm and getting in to an even lower mood. I have had quite a bad weekend. I haven't self harmed massively, just blood letting. To me that is better in terms of medically. I am not taking up resources, I don't need treatment for it and it doesn't leave massive gashes that can go infected like the ones at the moment. Although I am probably to blame with these as I haven't been taking the antibiotics as they make me ill so I hope I will fight the infection myself. I planned on staying in bed all day yesterday and I actually cried when my mum said I was actually expected to be at my brothers for dinner at 12.
Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does. But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.
So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.
So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.
So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.
We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness
8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.
So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.
Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.
He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.
I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.
So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.
I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.
I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.
Thanks for reading - if you do?
Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does. But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.
So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.
So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.
So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.
We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness
8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.
So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.
Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.
He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.
I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.
So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.
I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.
I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.
Thanks for reading - if you do?
Sunday, 16 January 2011
Drunkeness!
After my night out on Friday I am going to find it very hard to look at Stevie in the same light again. She turned into a drunken lunatic. In the end I am ashamed to say I had to call an ambulance for her. She just sort of spaced out and went to sleep on the pavement. I couldn't leave her there and it was cold. I was worried about her getting hypothermia. I know she also has psych problems. The paramedics were lovely. I apologised again and again. I know they had to be professional etc but I felt as though I had wasted their time. They told me I had done the right thing in calling as her airway was not great so they put a NPA in. They also put fluids up.
She has an amazing pain threshold. The paramedic said she wasn't unconscious just very drunk and sleeping. Yet, she tolerated the NPA, a few needles (as of crap veins) and sternum rubs. I was so embarrassed. But the worst was to come.
About 10mins of being in the ambulance and on the way to hospital she came around more and ripped the NPA can cannula out her hand. Caused a nose bleed and hand was bleeding every where. She turned in to an obnoxious fool. The paramedic tried to hold her down but being skinny and small she wriggled out. I tried to grab on also but it's hard to restrain when been drinking. The paramedic told the one who was driving to stop and Stevie managed to get off the bed and open the doors and fly off in to the night. She was shouting and screaming the whole time saying she was not going to the hospital. The paramedic said he would wait a few mins as of the medication she was on and could be some interactions between that and alcohol. But he wasn't overly worried and she seemed better to me. She was managing to run. Her being small and skinny and in flats was no competition for me in heels and unfit. I had a look around for her and after about an hour got a call from her boyfriend asking what had gone on as she had returned home covered in blood. It was nice of her to tell me she had gone home as I was still out looking around the back streets. But at least she didn't tie anyone up in A+E and meant that I didn't have to wait with her for 4 hours at A+E.
She put me in a horrible position and was really pissed off at her for getting so drunk and doing what she did. I would like to say thanks to the paramedics of Friday night and sorry. I know I have been in that situation where I have taken an overdose and cut and been the obnoxious one requiring medical treatment. So I want to say sorry for that also. I know they will never read this but others in the medical profession may and so it's a general apology really. I know she has psych problems but it doesn't really excuse it. I think anyone who drinks so much they can't manage their own safety as some issues. Why would you want to drink so much. I do it. I know I have problems and I use alcohol as a method of self harm. But most the time I do go out with my friends have a few drinks and have a normal night. What gets me though with Stevie is why she has done it. I try to understand. I know it's not a one off and that paramedics and the NHS has big problems with young people and alcohol. I mean if you look at http://999medic.com/ and http://theparamedicsdiary.blogspot.com/ then it's an ongoing theme.
Anyway, I tried calling her yesterday and funnily enough it goes to voicemail. I think she may be ignoring me as of her embarrassment. I text her boyfriend and he said she had been very sick all day and feeling very sheepish. I've told her to call me. There are issues she needs to address. And I want an apology! It was a great night ruined by stupidity.
I hope she felt worse than I did yesterday and I felt like I was dying. I am taking meds at the moment for PCOS. It has reduced my tolerance of alcohol and I am getting the worst hang overs. I was feeling sick all day yesterday and still do now. I had read it was one of the side effects. On support forums etc people have said when taking the meds after having a couple of drinks the next day they would get the hangover from hell. It's either that, or I am getting old and I can't manage drink anymore. Probably a mixture of them both. I remember when I was younger being sick at night so I could drink more and then not having a hangover at all the next day and being able to go to work after 3-4 hours sleep. Now if I have to work I can't drink at all. I can't manage it. I need at least 8 hours, if have been drinking preferably 12 hours sleep. I have cut down on what I drink now also which is good.
Anyway, I am off out for a nice Sunday Roast and need to wash my hair!
x
She has an amazing pain threshold. The paramedic said she wasn't unconscious just very drunk and sleeping. Yet, she tolerated the NPA, a few needles (as of crap veins) and sternum rubs. I was so embarrassed. But the worst was to come.
About 10mins of being in the ambulance and on the way to hospital she came around more and ripped the NPA can cannula out her hand. Caused a nose bleed and hand was bleeding every where. She turned in to an obnoxious fool. The paramedic tried to hold her down but being skinny and small she wriggled out. I tried to grab on also but it's hard to restrain when been drinking. The paramedic told the one who was driving to stop and Stevie managed to get off the bed and open the doors and fly off in to the night. She was shouting and screaming the whole time saying she was not going to the hospital. The paramedic said he would wait a few mins as of the medication she was on and could be some interactions between that and alcohol. But he wasn't overly worried and she seemed better to me. She was managing to run. Her being small and skinny and in flats was no competition for me in heels and unfit. I had a look around for her and after about an hour got a call from her boyfriend asking what had gone on as she had returned home covered in blood. It was nice of her to tell me she had gone home as I was still out looking around the back streets. But at least she didn't tie anyone up in A+E and meant that I didn't have to wait with her for 4 hours at A+E.
She put me in a horrible position and was really pissed off at her for getting so drunk and doing what she did. I would like to say thanks to the paramedics of Friday night and sorry. I know I have been in that situation where I have taken an overdose and cut and been the obnoxious one requiring medical treatment. So I want to say sorry for that also. I know they will never read this but others in the medical profession may and so it's a general apology really. I know she has psych problems but it doesn't really excuse it. I think anyone who drinks so much they can't manage their own safety as some issues. Why would you want to drink so much. I do it. I know I have problems and I use alcohol as a method of self harm. But most the time I do go out with my friends have a few drinks and have a normal night. What gets me though with Stevie is why she has done it. I try to understand. I know it's not a one off and that paramedics and the NHS has big problems with young people and alcohol. I mean if you look at http://999medic.com/ and http://theparamedicsdiary.blogspot.com/ then it's an ongoing theme.
Anyway, I tried calling her yesterday and funnily enough it goes to voicemail. I think she may be ignoring me as of her embarrassment. I text her boyfriend and he said she had been very sick all day and feeling very sheepish. I've told her to call me. There are issues she needs to address. And I want an apology! It was a great night ruined by stupidity.
I hope she felt worse than I did yesterday and I felt like I was dying. I am taking meds at the moment for PCOS. It has reduced my tolerance of alcohol and I am getting the worst hang overs. I was feeling sick all day yesterday and still do now. I had read it was one of the side effects. On support forums etc people have said when taking the meds after having a couple of drinks the next day they would get the hangover from hell. It's either that, or I am getting old and I can't manage drink anymore. Probably a mixture of them both. I remember when I was younger being sick at night so I could drink more and then not having a hangover at all the next day and being able to go to work after 3-4 hours sleep. Now if I have to work I can't drink at all. I can't manage it. I need at least 8 hours, if have been drinking preferably 12 hours sleep. I have cut down on what I drink now also which is good.
Anyway, I am off out for a nice Sunday Roast and need to wash my hair!
x
Saturday, 2 October 2010
It's been a while but here I am again!
So,
it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.
Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong thing...it was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.
Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.
My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.
I know I do!
I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.
I know I am weird!
it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.
Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong thing...it was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.
Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.
My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.
I know I do!
I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.
I know I am weird!
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