Nerves

I have an appointment with Sam tomorrow. I am nervous. I don't know why. I have nothing major to tell her. I will talk about how I broke my foot and how I blame myself. But I don't know why I am nervous about it.

I suppose last time I saw her I was a bit hyper, or as Sam said like I had taken amphetamines. This only really stopped the day after I broke my foot because I was dosed up on morphine. I've also got an appointment with Dr T on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. Sam said she is coming with me. I have asked her to. She keeps offering all the time to come to different appointments with me so I thought I would take her up on the offer. I never seem to remember what has been said.

I still feel that Dr T is wanting to section me. I know Sam has spoke to him and has tried to reassure me that it is not the case. But I still have this horrible feeling that is the route he is following. He mentioned Mental Health Act Assessments and I still never really got a proper answer about it. It is like he is avoiding answering it. Is seeing a psychiatrist every month pretty normal in terms of amount of times I see him? How often do you see your Psychiatrist?

I am a bit all over the place today. It doesn't help that I have run out of morphine and dihydrocodeine now and I am in quite a lot of pain. I am sick of being cooped up in the house having to rely on people to do everything for me. It is driving me insane. My Dad is also not helping as he is in one of his moods. And I am getting pissed off with him as he expects my Mum to run around after him all the time. It drives me mad. And then he had the cheek to have a go at me for speaking to him with attitude (when I wasn't really I was just pulling him up on what he was doing and he didn't like it) when he was talking to me like crap. It's one rule for him and another for everyone else. I love him but at the same time I can't bare to be around him. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he was not supposed to be getting back until today but he got back last Thursday instead. When I was told he was coming home early I was disappointed. It's awful isn't it? Maybe it's just me being over sensitive as I am so fed up. I have another 10days of not being able to do anything. And that's at the earliest. I have to go back for physio and it's not certain that the cast will be coming off then. It's just a trial. I am so fed up of all of this. I need my space. I need to be able to get out on my own. I hate being stuck inside all day and then having to rely on everyone as I can't even get myself a drink and take it to watch TV. I've had enough.

So I am trying at working from home. I don't have the motivation at the moment to do it. I am panicking about uni work and what I need to be doing for this and I am going mad with worry about that but, keep putting it off.

So I have the appointment with Sam tomorrow. I suppose I could just talk about how I a feeling at the moment. I suppose that is what I will do.

I feel so angry and pissed off.