The past few days I have felt so fed up, low and not had any motivation. I really don't know why I feel like this. I am ensuring I eat healthily, things are going well with Vince and I quite like him. But for some reason my mood is low.
I suppose I am not feeling thrilled that my car has failed it's MOT and until I can get a certificate for it I can't drive it. The prospect of a 20 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour on a bus to get to the placement doesn't fill me with much hope. I hate buses and the fact I am going to have to spend 2 hours per day on one is pissing me off. It's not me being snobby why I hate the bus, it's because they make me feel really sick and I experience travel sickness on them. Especially at the end of the day I end up with head aches that I can't shift for the rest of the evening.
It also means I am going to have to get up an hour earlier to leave my house at 7.15am instead of 8.30am and I won't get back until about 6.45pm instead of about 5.15pm. I've got work I need to be doing and reading I need to be doing in the evenings and so it gives me less time. If I didn't get travel sick I would be ok doing it on the bus and I wouldn't mind so much as is forced work time but all I will be able to do is sit there and stare out the window for all 32 bus stops. I just hope it doesn't stop at every one!
Enough moaning about that anyway. I do feel my mood has taken a dip. I noticed on Wednesday and I have been struggling since then. So I can't really attribute my car to it. And really, a car would be a pretty pathetic reason to have a low mood. I am worried as I don't want to end up back down again. Even without the low mood part of me still struggles to see a future and is planning on attempting as soon as parents and family go away. I have been thinking about it for so long and have planned methods.
I think about it quite a lot. Even the thing with Vince isn't bringing me out of it or changing my mind. I sort of expect him to do a runner as soon as he knows the truth anyway. I am not expecting anything from it. Part of me wants to. I'm getting a more strong feeling of there being more than one person inside of me again.
I am meant to have an appointment with Sam this week but I don't think I will be able to make it. I have this week and next week booked in with her and then she stops for the summer holidays. It's been about a month now since I last saw her. Not sure if I want to continue with it. I feel that these professionals want to know my inner most private thoughts. I am not a believer of spilling all. I think some things should remain private to your self. Why should you open up about every single thought you have?
I don't really do it on here either. I don't talk about all my thoughts, feelings, etc. If I can't do it on here how am I expected to be able to do it face to face?
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11 comments:
Buses make me feel sick too. They always have since I was a kid. I don't think that sounds snobby at all; you can't help that you have motion sickness. I hope you can drive your car soon.
Thanks.
I am being aware of what I say after previous comments on posts.
It wasn't that bad actually. Silly blonde me read the time table wrong. it takes 30 minutes not 50.
Tomorrow I am getting picked up and hopefully by Wednesday or Thursday I shall have my car back as have taken it to the garage tonight.
xxxx
i think sometimes we forget that as human beings, we will always have up and down days. Its not always going to be symptomatic, and it may have nothing to do with illness, unless we allow it to be consumed by it. You sound like you have a lot of stress with mot etc, so maybe its just a fed up day? dont let it get you down, and try not to read too much into it. You are allowed to just have 'off' days, without them becoming downhill starters. You talk about your feelings beautifully, maybe you are better at it than you think. Hope you are well xxxx
My friend Phillis said that we are all more normal than some professionas would allow. I once had a therapist tell me that someday everyone would take meds and he thought he was making me feel better. As it turns out, I take fewer than half the meds I took at one time. Slowly, I'm getting used to it. But I don't miss the ones I need now. I was a professional for more than 20 years, and I guess I will never give that up though the folks who help now say a person can retire at any stage of adulthood. I respect you for not sharing everything with everyone. There was a time when I was open to the point of getting in trouble. I guess I said some stuff so much that it just doesn't feel importent now. Don't know when I can get back to your thoughts, and I do respect you. Please try not to hurt yourself. You've said that time is like a river, but remember. You or me or anyone, we can't push the river. Peace to you my friend.
Definitely agree there are some things that should just stay private. I open up to my therapist about a lot of things, and I'm pretty comfortable with that usually, but there's still some things I keep to myself (and one particular thing I tell no one about at all because it is mine only, although I did tell one friend that it existed once, in a vague sort of way). I haven't even told her I cut myself sometimes because I don't think it's that big a deal (it's always minor stuff and it doesn't bother me or interfere with my life), and I'm afraid she would make a big deal out of it if she knew. I mean, I don't think she's the type that would reach for that PD label, but you never know...
But every once in a while I wonder if hiding stuff like cutting is kind of undermining the therapy a little. Then again, I wonder about a lot of things.
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