I thought I just saw someone in my back garden. I don't know if I did or if I am seeing things like I did last night. I can't call anyone and say, "oh, I may be hallucinating, or it's a possibility that someone was in the back garden and jumped the fence"!
But bit worried now.
Showing posts with label hallucination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hallucination. Show all posts
Friday, 22 July 2011
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Haunted of Hallucinations
Either my house is haunted or I am hallucinating.
I've just seen someone walk by my living room door in the hall out of the corner of my eye.
I am now proper freaked.
I've just seen someone walk by my living room door in the hall out of the corner of my eye.
I am now proper freaked.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Do I Want Help?
Dr T said something the other day that has really made me think things over. He said I come to him saying I want help yet when I need it the most it's when I don't approach anyone. So what is it?
Is it that I think I can deal with it on my own?
A lot of the time yeah. I come on here, I post on SF, I do what I can to deal with it on my own.
Is it that at those times I don't want help?
Yeah, this is true also. If I have made a decision to SH, OD, or attempt I don't tell anyone. I keep it to myself. Why? Well fear of being stopped. I am stubborn! If I have made my mind up about something then it is set on it. How is telling Crisis or what ever going to make any difference if I have already made up my mind. So when I have already made up my mind I suppose I don't actually want the help.
Is it because I am worried about how I am viewed?
Working in Psychiatry I have worked with a lot of people who self harm. What I never understood about these people was if they really wanted to self harm that badly why did they tell me. I wasn't going to let them, I would ensure that they weren't able to by removing items which they could harm with. Or by suggesting to the nurse in charge that they go in to strong bedding. I found a lot of the time people who told me this were just attention seeking and wanted me to feed in to it. I had it quite a lot working on the bank/agency for NHSP where patients would approach me as they thought I was new and inexperienced and tell me. OK, fair enough there are people out there who have the urges to self harm and they don't want to and they are worried so they tell someone, but the horrible truth is that these people are few and far between. So I worry. I worry if I was to call crisis team and say I am having these thoughts to self harm etc they would not take me seriously and think I was seeking attention. I have enough attention thank you very much and would actually quite liked to be left alone.
Am I scared?
Quite frankly YES! I am terrified. I am frightened. I had a taste of what being sectioned was like. And that was tame. I know what psychiatric wards can be like. They are not nice places. They are noisy. They busy. You are surrounded by mad people. And that's just the staff!!!!! Where I was on the 136 suite was me and one nurse in a room for 8 hours. I had someone there if I needed them. And I did. I was terrified of being left on my own. I was on high observations as standard when you are on 136. But that taste has scared me. I can't fault the staff. I thought both nurses as Different City Hospital were amazing. I said that to them. I said it's been really nice meeting you, you have excellent staff here but I would have rather have never met you and I hope to never meet you again...he then jokingly asked if I wanted a shift for that night as someone had called in sick! The nurse at Local Hospital was nice also. She could see I was upset and she made sure I was ok. She knew I had been staff and she made sure that I could go somewhere else and in my worrying about getting home from there told me not to worry and they would pay for the taxi. The staff at Different City Hospital said I was lucky as they usually make people get the bus!
I am scared that if I really tell them how I am feeling then they will end up putting me in hospital. I am so scared my career would be affected as that is the only thing that is going sort of positively for me at the moment. But, I think I am putting too much emphasis on that. I am putting too much hope in to that one thing. What if I encounter problems and it all comes crashing down. Then what do I have?
I also feel that maybe I should be in hospital. I am not going to tell them that. I keep my thoughts to myself. I don't want to be there. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I keep so much to myself that I am sure if I told them everything about my thoughts, my feelings, the smells, the voices, the extreme paranoia (at times) and everything else they would have me on a section 2 as quick as anything. The thing is I know how to work the system. I know what to say. I know how to avoid it.
I know when I am not in Crisis mode that I need help. I am able to go to the doctors and say I need this this and that. When I am in that mode I can't do anything. I want help now. I don't want help then. I have gone past that. But I would say it's mainly fear.
I am getting better with Sam. I am less paranoid about telling her things now as I know she is there to listen and help me. She is not one of these people who sits there quietly, she gets angry for me, she is not a "ummmmm, ahhhhhhhh, how does that make you feel? That must be really hard for you"? I feel like she is on my side. I feel the others aren't. I feel they are gathering evidence to put me in hospital. Sam is helping me avoid it.
Yeah, so I guess I am scared. Terrified is more like it. So what do I do?
I had an appealing thought today and it was stupid. I thought why not run away, become an alcoholic and just not care anymore. Drink so I don't care. I think I care too much at the moment.
(I don't think I could become an alcoholic though as my hangovers are getting worse in old age and I am quite particular about what I drink....I am rather picky)!
x
Is it that I think I can deal with it on my own?
A lot of the time yeah. I come on here, I post on SF, I do what I can to deal with it on my own.
Is it that at those times I don't want help?
Yeah, this is true also. If I have made a decision to SH, OD, or attempt I don't tell anyone. I keep it to myself. Why? Well fear of being stopped. I am stubborn! If I have made my mind up about something then it is set on it. How is telling Crisis or what ever going to make any difference if I have already made up my mind. So when I have already made up my mind I suppose I don't actually want the help.
Is it because I am worried about how I am viewed?
Working in Psychiatry I have worked with a lot of people who self harm. What I never understood about these people was if they really wanted to self harm that badly why did they tell me. I wasn't going to let them, I would ensure that they weren't able to by removing items which they could harm with. Or by suggesting to the nurse in charge that they go in to strong bedding. I found a lot of the time people who told me this were just attention seeking and wanted me to feed in to it. I had it quite a lot working on the bank/agency for NHSP where patients would approach me as they thought I was new and inexperienced and tell me. OK, fair enough there are people out there who have the urges to self harm and they don't want to and they are worried so they tell someone, but the horrible truth is that these people are few and far between. So I worry. I worry if I was to call crisis team and say I am having these thoughts to self harm etc they would not take me seriously and think I was seeking attention. I have enough attention thank you very much and would actually quite liked to be left alone.
Am I scared?
Quite frankly YES! I am terrified. I am frightened. I had a taste of what being sectioned was like. And that was tame. I know what psychiatric wards can be like. They are not nice places. They are noisy. They busy. You are surrounded by mad people. And that's just the staff!!!!! Where I was on the 136 suite was me and one nurse in a room for 8 hours. I had someone there if I needed them. And I did. I was terrified of being left on my own. I was on high observations as standard when you are on 136. But that taste has scared me. I can't fault the staff. I thought both nurses as Different City Hospital were amazing. I said that to them. I said it's been really nice meeting you, you have excellent staff here but I would have rather have never met you and I hope to never meet you again...he then jokingly asked if I wanted a shift for that night as someone had called in sick! The nurse at Local Hospital was nice also. She could see I was upset and she made sure I was ok. She knew I had been staff and she made sure that I could go somewhere else and in my worrying about getting home from there told me not to worry and they would pay for the taxi. The staff at Different City Hospital said I was lucky as they usually make people get the bus!
I am scared that if I really tell them how I am feeling then they will end up putting me in hospital. I am so scared my career would be affected as that is the only thing that is going sort of positively for me at the moment. But, I think I am putting too much emphasis on that. I am putting too much hope in to that one thing. What if I encounter problems and it all comes crashing down. Then what do I have?
I also feel that maybe I should be in hospital. I am not going to tell them that. I keep my thoughts to myself. I don't want to be there. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I keep so much to myself that I am sure if I told them everything about my thoughts, my feelings, the smells, the voices, the extreme paranoia (at times) and everything else they would have me on a section 2 as quick as anything. The thing is I know how to work the system. I know what to say. I know how to avoid it.
I know when I am not in Crisis mode that I need help. I am able to go to the doctors and say I need this this and that. When I am in that mode I can't do anything. I want help now. I don't want help then. I have gone past that. But I would say it's mainly fear.
I am getting better with Sam. I am less paranoid about telling her things now as I know she is there to listen and help me. She is not one of these people who sits there quietly, she gets angry for me, she is not a "ummmmm, ahhhhhhhh, how does that make you feel? That must be really hard for you"? I feel like she is on my side. I feel the others aren't. I feel they are gathering evidence to put me in hospital. Sam is helping me avoid it.
Yeah, so I guess I am scared. Terrified is more like it. So what do I do?
I had an appealing thought today and it was stupid. I thought why not run away, become an alcoholic and just not care anymore. Drink so I don't care. I think I care too much at the moment.
(I don't think I could become an alcoholic though as my hangovers are getting worse in old age and I am quite particular about what I drink....I am rather picky)!
x
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
I feel...
I am feeling...
I don't know how I am feeling. At the moment all I am feeling is kinda depressed. It's worse today for some reason. I don't know why. I even cried while watching The Little Mermaid earlier. What's all that about. I got quite nostalgic I suppose. It is the first film I ever went to see at the cinema. I would have been about 5.
My family are so ignorent to what is going on. Yesterday my Dad asked me if I was feeling any happier now. What was I supposed to say to that. I could have blown up at him but no I didn't. I just said yeh yeh. I feel sad of course I do but the depression is more than just feeling sad. It's a weight, it's something that lurks there all the time. It doesn't go away until one day it is just gone. I can physically feel it. I have been suffering on and off since I was about 15-16. Didn't actually realise I was until I was about 22. I started self harming when I was 22 also. I suppose in the past I had with alcohol consumption and hitting myself and punching things but it wasn't until I was 22 that I started cutting.
I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.
I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?
My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
"I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
And
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".
I know I haven't got a personality disorder even if that's what the "professionals" are trying to say I have. I know to be diagnosed with the PD they think I have you need to meet 5/9 of the criteria on the diagnostic test. I only meet 3. But then I meet 3 on others so does that mean I have those also? I really hate the term PD. While I accept there are people with quite obvious PD's I am not one of them. I have worked with PD patients and I am not like that. I feel annoyed that they try to diagnose that as it's a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis and they like to pathologise you. Part of me wants to go to this appointment on Monday ready to argue my case about not having PD with my argument all ready and prepared. I have already got defensive about it so I don't actually see what they can do for me. It makes me really angry about things and because of the nature of the diagnoses there is I don't think that people will listen to me.
My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?
This isn't really working for me!
I don't know how I am feeling. At the moment all I am feeling is kinda depressed. It's worse today for some reason. I don't know why. I even cried while watching The Little Mermaid earlier. What's all that about. I got quite nostalgic I suppose. It is the first film I ever went to see at the cinema. I would have been about 5.
My family are so ignorent to what is going on. Yesterday my Dad asked me if I was feeling any happier now. What was I supposed to say to that. I could have blown up at him but no I didn't. I just said yeh yeh. I feel sad of course I do but the depression is more than just feeling sad. It's a weight, it's something that lurks there all the time. It doesn't go away until one day it is just gone. I can physically feel it. I have been suffering on and off since I was about 15-16. Didn't actually realise I was until I was about 22. I started self harming when I was 22 also. I suppose in the past I had with alcohol consumption and hitting myself and punching things but it wasn't until I was 22 that I started cutting.
I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.
I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?
My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
"I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
And
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".
I know I haven't got a personality disorder even if that's what the "professionals" are trying to say I have. I know to be diagnosed with the PD they think I have you need to meet 5/9 of the criteria on the diagnostic test. I only meet 3. But then I meet 3 on others so does that mean I have those also? I really hate the term PD. While I accept there are people with quite obvious PD's I am not one of them. I have worked with PD patients and I am not like that. I feel annoyed that they try to diagnose that as it's a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis and they like to pathologise you. Part of me wants to go to this appointment on Monday ready to argue my case about not having PD with my argument all ready and prepared. I have already got defensive about it so I don't actually see what they can do for me. It makes me really angry about things and because of the nature of the diagnoses there is I don't think that people will listen to me.
My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?
This isn't really working for me!
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