Patients and Professionals.

I thought I would give the blog carnival thing a go this month. The Madosphere is hosting it and I am going to have a go at making a contribution.

The theme...Patients and Professionals.

I am not usually one for joining in with things but this theme kind of spoke out to me. You see, I have experience of both sides.

Currently I am doing a Masters in Social Work. My aim; to be a mental health social worker. I want to do my AMHP's training and work as part of a crisis team. To get on to the course I have worked as a support worker in hospitals on the psychiatric wards. I have previously written about my experience of working on a ward and how I was attacked by a patient which landed me in hospital having a CT scan and being off work with concussion and work related injury. I had a comment on that post saying that I provoked that person just by being who I was and having restrained people in the past. As a support worker no one likes restraining people. It is done only as a last resort of in an emergency situation if they are endangering their own life or they are likely to cause harm to another person.

 Restraining someone is horrible. It's uncomfortable, it's hot, it's sweaty and you can end up with your head in body parts of other members of staff that usually you would wait a good few dates before going there. There is techniques you learn where everyone has their part and place. It's choreographed. In theory it works smoothly and doesn't cause you as a restrainer any pain. In practice, it's messy. You grab on to the bit that is flying towards your face and don't let go. Getting down on to the floor is not the nice 3 movements that is practiced but more of a stumble and then you right yourself in to position. Very rarely do you have the nice 3 steps.

There is more to being a support worker than restraining someone though. A lot more. When people ask what I do (or did) the usual reply is "I couldn't do your job". I even had it from police officers. I went in to the job taking a £13k a year pay cut. So when patients in their anger said to me "you only do this for the money". No. I don't do it for the money as the money is shit! Yes. It is really shit. In my first job when I would work a 60 hour week every other week and a 30 hour week every other I was taking home less than £900 per month. I did the job because I wanted to do something with my life that was meaningful. Working as a sales manager in a high street bank was not meaningful. Ok, I used it as a stepping stone to get somewhere else but the somewhere else has the same reasons behind it. I want to be in a professional role that means something. I want to feel as though I am making a difference.

Having worked in a few different settings I have found the same attitude from professionals. And that would be a long the lines of "not another PD", ( can I just say here I appreciate I may look as though I am being demeaning by referring to it as PD, however, can I assure you I am not it's just that it is a lot quicker to type PD than personality disorder each time) "why waste resources on PD's, they are never going to change", "that's typical PD, attention seeking, look at me behaviour". I have also seen how quick they are to diagnose PD. It seems to be the first thing that is diagnosed. "You are female, you self harm, then that has to be PD".

 I have seen professionals make jokes about patients and their diagnosis. Not exactly professional. Some of the professionals I have worked with really should not be doing what they are doing. I have had doctors tell me how much they hate their job and they followed the Psychiatry route as they thought it would be easier. OK, having a joke sometimes can make the job a little easier. In my first role there used to be quite lot a jokes made while in restraint. Not because they thought it was funny, not at the patients expense but because it was a highly stressful situation to be in and it dispersed some of the fear/stress/tension that they may have been feeling. But to joke about patients themselves it doesn't look good. Joke with patients but not at them. There is a thing going round on the internet about being a psychiatric nurse...

You know when you're a psych nurse when...

1. The words 'Sorry, what?!?' Come out of your mouth at least twice a day.

2. A lighter is as vital a part of your working equipment as a ballpoint pen.

3. You're more worried about the staff then the patients.

4. You spend your first shift feeling like batman with half the stuff you have to wear on your belt.

5. The first hour of your shift is gossip and cuppa time.

6. You realise you're called a nurse because they couldn't fit nurse-councillor-cleaner-cook-occupational therapist-social worker-Mother-security-clown-voice of reason-secretary-bank clerk-typist-public relations-personal shopper- maid-waitress- expected expert on everything there is to know ever, on your name badge.

7. You've ever had to stuff your fist into your mouth to stop yourself laughing because it's just not professional.

8. You'll quite happily throttle anyone who suggests you're not a 'proper' nurse.
9. You're amazed at the sheer randomness of the things you're paid to do.

10. You don't have to eat general hospital food and you're damn glad of it.

11. A cuppa is the life blood of your working day. If it aint there, you aint there.

12. Students are a brilliant one size fits all scapegoat.

13.You'll complain about what a god awful job you have but you'd never leave cause where else would you meet a group of people who could make your jaw drop, your sides ache and your heart bleed as much as this lot.

14. You realise that every taught bit of restraint goes clean out of your head and you just grab the first thing coming at you and hold on!

15. No management issues means: Couldn't think of anything to say about this patient but I thought it would look bad to write 'Patient has done nothing all day'.

16. You'll fight to the death for a black biro.

17. People are always telling you how much they admire what you do but still tell you you're mad for wanting to do it.

18. General nurses when they find out you're psych invariably answer with 'What made you want to do THAT?' As if you've just told them you juggle radioactive material for a living.

19. You find yourself trying to pull an imaginary alarm outside of work.

20. You leg it to find out what all the shouting is about and realise it's actually none of your business as you're currently in a supermarket.

21. You begin to realise that you less you do, the better the job you're doing.

22. You go into a blind panic cause you think you've lost your house keys cause they're not attached to your belt

I found the private company I worked for the most unprofessional of all the places I have worked in. That and the fact none of my views were considered were the reasons I left.

I have found working in mental health a lot of the people I know who work in the same area do so because they have had their own mental health problems. What draws people to it. Is it because they are looking for answers about why they are like they are. I was drawn to it because of my own experiences.

I have seen it from both sides from professional and from patient. I have never been an inpatient (unless you count the 9 hours on a section 136). But I have had lots and lots of dealings within mental health services for my self. Does having the experience give me an advantage? And who has the advantage?

Well, in some ways yes. I feel I can benefit from having worked in that as it makes me more patient when it comes to receiving services. I know there are big shortages within the area. I know there is a strain on the area and it makes me more patient when I know why I am having to wait. I don't have the "they don't care, I am not important enough, I don't matter" kind of thoughts. Because of this I am patiently waiting and they don't have me on the phone chasing things up all the time (I am not saying that people who haven't worked in mental health would be, but it's the kind of person I am...I don't have much patience when it comes to things like this....being told I can have something but not knowing when and having to wait).

I do feel though when I am being interviewed by a professional for the first time or for example by the psych medicine department (which always interview you after you have received treatment for self harm), I have feel as though I get an attitude of "you should know better than to self harm, than to try and kill yourself". It's like because I have experience in that area I should see what it's all about and not do it as it is stupid. And the intelligence thing. Do intelligent people not have mental health problems, do they not self harm? What the hell has being intelligent got to do with anything?

There are disadvantages also.

The embarrassment.

I am so embarrassed by the things I have done. I hate being the way that I am. If someone said to me can I take away the self harm that it never happened and take away all the issues and interestingness I would jump at it. Mental health is so stigmatised. You would think as a person doing what I do and what I want to do I would possibly be able to be more open about things. But not at all. I am ashamed of the way that I am and I do what I can to hide it. If other people have mental health problems I am fine with it. I am not prejudiced at all. But when it comes to myself. I feel the stigma.

This also comes in when waiting in a waiting room and you see someone you know. I have seen ex patients numerous times now. Luckily I have not been recognised but I am embarrassed by it. There is also meeting someone in a professional context after you have met them in the patient-professional. And the other way around. Like when I was 136'd and taken to local hospital, the people that were on duty were people I had worked with numerous times. It was shameful. And I know. As a person training to be professional I shouldn't probably feel this way.

Another possible disadvantage is that I know how to work the system. In that I can say the right things to avoid being hospitalised. There are buzz words I know not to say...like when you are flying you know not to say the b word. It's the same with this. My biggest fear is hospital. I'm sure if they knew what was going round in my head.. Or if they even read this there would probably be doubts about my ability to keep myself safe etc. They know that I self harm everyday. But they don't know my thoughts.

As a patient I don't feel that I have a very good relationship with the professionals. I am not very honest with them and I keep a hell of a lot of information to myself.



This is going to sound weird but, I like to think because I am also a fellow "professional" I am treated differently than I would do if I was Joe Bloggs. That they are more open with me, that they are more relaxed and they don't need to follow a strict protocol as I'm in the know and all that shebang. That is probably not the case though.

As a professional I am the patient I hate. The one who is stubborn, is set in her ways, wont listen to people, wont try certain things, and has things keep happening even though I have worked really hard putting a lot of effort in to working with her and yet she goes and messes it up and un does all my hard work.

I am an awful patient. I bet there are worse ones than me though!

Help....(I need somebody)

People ask for help. Some want it but others are not prepared to listen. I've had this in my personal life and my professional life. There was a post on SF I commented on recently which had provoked quite a lot of controversial comments. One in particular said about how this person had asked for help but was not listening to any advice that was being given to them.

"Probably very few people on here will actually agree with me, but I'm going to say it.. If things are that bad that you feel this way, and you wont seek help then there's not a lot anyone on here can actually do for you.

..

This comment has made me think quite a lot recently. Along with this girls blog. They are both exactly right in what they say. I feel the same way. Yet why when it comes to me can I not practice what I preach? Why do I have these strong feelings of not being able to cope? Why am I seeing suicide as the easy way. I know I have to fight this. I don't know how much fight I have left in me. I am so close to breaking point. But I have been here before. It was 2008. I was taking OD's on a weekly basis. Planning them. Going out in my lunch break and getting co-codamal from pharmacies in the hope that if I took enough the codeine in them would send my body in to shutting down (CNS depression). I knew that the paracetamol was a long drawn out process of dying. Sometimes I would take OD's and go to bed but then I would wake up the next day. A few days later with no pain I would take a load more. I was cutting, burning, scratching and banging. I was looking up medications online and different plants that were poisonous. Sometimes I would wake up in hospital as I would leave my flat in a weird state and then pass out. I used to drink with them so I wasn't thinking straight. Sometimes I would remember leaving the flat and think I would go and get run over, die of hypothermia, or that I was too hot and needed the air as the air in the flat was stifling.  

Even now I am doing the same thing. I have not taken many OD's. I have taken a couple to test the water as such. But I look up drugs. I look up combinations of things or what certain things would do if I took too much. I can't do anything that would give me a bad stomach so a lot of OD's are out for me. But I think now find the right combination and bam!

I look in to ways it would look like an accident. If I think I can make it look like an accident then I will take that opportunity. Like when I was in hospital and I tried to kill myself by pulling the end off the cannula and letting it bleed out. I have actually said this Dr T. I was talking to the nurses on the 136 Suite about it. I said I felt suicidal, I was always looking for methods. I even made a joke saying I don't understand why I was on a 136 after looking like I was going to jump off a bridge, I am scared of heights and I said I wouldn't go for something so obvious as that. And painful. I said I am a wuss. I need accident, painless, go to sleep kind of way...like blood loss through cannula. Although now I have said that I think if I was to be in hospital for something and that happened they would know it was suicide as I told them about it. I don't think do I?!

So why wont I listen to my own advice. Why am I doing the things that other people do and they annoy the hell out of me and it makes me want to punch them. For instance I am working with this woman at the moment who is about to be kicked out her flat. She has lived there quite a while and she has come to us saying she needs help as she doesn't know what she can do. Last week she was given a final warning. Today I have a phone call from the police and the council saying there have been more complaints to police, police incidents and complaints to the council over the weekend. Now why, when you have already been given a final warning would you have friends over drinking with you late at night. Why would you compromise your neighbours security by propping open the security door? This was 2 days after her final warning!!!!!

She rang me in tears, she rang me and I ended up taking her to the ED because her mental state was affected that much by the final warning that I was concerned. I spent nearly 9 hours with her. She annoyed the hell out of me; if you are with me you must learn to chew with your mouth closed and don't chomp!!!!!! I was seriously annoyed with her. I was mega anxious anyway as of being in the ED and being stared at by the staff who knew me as crazy drunk, self harmer, suicidal, messed up girl. Refer to previous post on that one! She asked me for help. Now if she is not going to listen to my advice what do I do. Do I say "sorry, you have not listened to us, you have not engaged or made any effort, see you at the shelter when you are homeless". Or, do I continue to support and have my advice fall on deaf ears. Why should I put so much time and effort in to her when I have other cases that have child protection issues that I need to find housing for (even the police officer I spent 45 minutes on the phone to today laughed at me and said rather you than me). One I am working on really wants help, she rings me and asks advice and she listens. OK, I have sort of a God complex about this one as she seems to worship the ground I walk on but she is listening. She is taking advice. She wants to help her self.

Yet here I am saying to people you have to help yourself and what the hell am I doing. I research suicide most of each evening. I don't reach out for help when I probably most need it as I am too worried about peoples perceptions of me...i.e the diagnosis of PD will be easier if I am "attention seeking". I try and deal with it on my own, or I self harm. Or I wait until I have had a drink and then think about throwing myself off bridges. I know I wont be calling crisis team. I don't even really know why I am still under them as there is no way I will call them...I have also addressed that in previous posts. Yet I am told over and over and over I must seek out help. I don't. The help is being offered to me, do I listen, NO! So I am just as bad aren't I?

So that makes it pretty much that there is not an awful lot that anyone can actually do for me. And you know what, you know how that makes me feel. Even more suicidal. Yup! Stupid isn't it. I then see that I am beyond help, that nothing can be done and that this fight is going to be lost soon. I think I have said before that the life of an alcoholic bum seems appealing at times. I don't like being bothered by things. I am over bothered by everything. Doesn't it seem appealing to be only bothered about sitting around all day pissed. Or being sectioned. I can give up then. I don't have to fight anymore. I can self harm as much as I want. I can stop caring about what people think and just do what makes me happy. Not have to impress people, not have to abide by the strict rules and regualtions of normality. I can see me many miles away inactive (sorry for the Evita quote there - dam now I have to put it on). I can see a life of not having to fight, of taking the easy way. The longer that this "conflict" goes on the more it seems attractive. The more giving up seems attractive. I am not sure how much of me wants to go on like this.

I have constant conflicts going around in my head. I am annoyed with myself as if I were my own patient I would be annoyed with me. I am the patient I hate the most. The ones who say they want help but then are not willing to take the advice.

 I like to take a very medical approach to everything and think everything should be treated with pills and medication. I am not one for this whole idea of psychology...I know I did a degree in it, I am bloody doing social work which is not scientific. But I like science. I like right and wrong answers. I don't like so and so argues this while so and so argues that. There is no right answer there. I want answers. I don't want people trying different approaches with me. I want medicating. I want it to be solved with medication. Not talking. If it can be medicated then it's medical which there is less of a stigma.

I think I know deep down that I need to talk about things. I am not one for emotions. I don't like emotions. Not negative ones anyway. I try not to show negative ones. One of my colleagues from my placement seems very tuned in to what I am feeling. I hate it. I have only been there 3 weeks and she picks up on everything. She is so nice and so to the point. But it scares me. I don't give my emotions away but she will say things like "go for your nicotine fix mental, I can tell that was a tough phone call"! I will have been laughing and joking on the phone but inside I am thinking Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiittttttt, WTF am I going to do with this inbred woman whose mum is also her aunty. Ok exageration there but I have had pretty similar stuff.

So how do I stop myself being my own worst client/patient/service user. I know people say you are your own worst enemy/critic. But seriously what can I do?

Do I Want Help?

Dr T said something the other day that has really made me think things over. He said I come to him saying I want help yet when I need it the most it's when I don't approach anyone. So what is it?

Is it that I think I can deal with it on my own?

A lot of the time yeah. I come on here, I post on SF, I do what I can to deal with it on my own.

Is it that at those times I don't want help?

Yeah, this is true also. If I have made a decision to SH, OD, or attempt I don't tell anyone. I keep it to myself. Why? Well fear of being stopped. I am stubborn! If I have made my mind up about something then it is set on it. How is telling Crisis or what ever going to make any difference if I have already made up my mind. So when I have already made up my mind I suppose I don't actually want the help.

Is it because I am worried about how I am viewed?

Working in Psychiatry I have worked with a lot of people who self harm. What I never understood about these people was if they really wanted to self harm that badly why did they tell me. I wasn't going to let them, I would ensure that they weren't able to by removing items which they could harm with. Or by suggesting to the nurse in charge that they go in to strong bedding. I found a lot of the time people who told me this were just attention seeking and wanted me to feed in to it. I had it quite a lot working on the bank/agency for NHSP where patients would approach me as they thought I was new and inexperienced and tell me. OK, fair enough there are people out there who have the urges to self harm and they don't want to and they are worried so they tell someone, but the horrible truth is that these people are few and far between. So I worry. I worry if I was to call crisis team and say I am having these thoughts to self harm etc they would not take me seriously and think I was seeking attention. I have enough attention thank you very much and would actually quite liked to be left alone.

Am I scared?

Quite frankly YES! I am terrified. I am frightened. I had a taste of what being sectioned was like. And that was tame. I know what psychiatric wards can be like. They are not nice places. They are noisy. They busy. You are surrounded by mad people. And that's just the staff!!!!! Where I was on the 136 suite was me and one nurse in a room for 8 hours. I had someone there if I needed them. And I did. I was terrified of being left on my own. I was on high observations as standard when you are on 136. But that taste has scared me. I can't fault the staff. I thought both nurses as Different City Hospital were amazing. I said that to them. I said it's been really nice meeting you, you have excellent staff here but I would have rather have never met you and I hope to never meet you again...he then jokingly asked if I wanted a shift for that night as someone had called in sick! The nurse at Local Hospital was nice also. She could see I was upset and she made sure I was ok. She knew I had been staff and she made sure that I could go somewhere else and in my worrying about getting home from there told me not to worry and they would pay for the taxi. The staff at Different City Hospital said I was lucky as they usually make people get the bus!

I am scared that if I really tell them how I am feeling then they will end up putting me in hospital. I am so scared my career would be affected as that is the only thing that is going sort of positively for me at the moment. But, I think I am putting too much emphasis on that. I am putting too much hope in to that one thing. What if I encounter problems and it all comes crashing down. Then what do I have?

I also feel that maybe I should be in hospital. I am not going to tell them that. I keep my thoughts to myself. I don't want to be there. I am scared. I am embarrassed. I keep so much to myself that I am sure if I told them everything about my thoughts, my feelings, the smells, the voices, the extreme paranoia (at times) and everything else they would have me on a section 2 as quick as anything. The thing is I know how to work the system. I know what to say. I know how to avoid it.

I know when I am not in Crisis mode that I need help. I am able to go to the doctors and say I need this this and that. When I am in that mode I can't do anything. I want help now. I don't want help then. I have gone past that. But I would say it's mainly fear.

I am getting better with Sam. I am less paranoid about telling her things now as I know she is there to listen and help me. She is not one of these people who sits there quietly, she gets angry for me, she is not a "ummmmm, ahhhhhhhh, how does that make you feel? That must be really hard for you"? I feel like she is on my side. I feel the others aren't. I feel they are gathering evidence to put me in hospital. Sam is helping me avoid it.

Yeah, so I guess I am scared. Terrified is more like it. So what do I do?

I had an appealing thought today and it was stupid. I thought why not run away, become an alcoholic and just not care anymore. Drink so I don't care. I think I care too much at the moment.
(I don't think I could become an alcoholic though as my hangovers are getting worse in old age and I am quite particular about what I drink....I am rather picky)!

x

Why I Do This - (and other musings....I like musing you see)

I am a member on www.suicideforum.com and use this quite a bit when I feel bad. I blurt out all I am thinking and what is going through my head and I get support from other people who have been in the same position. I think it's a really good idea. When I am not feeling as bad I am often one of the people that provides support to others.

It's kinda like what the NHS does with some mental health services. It encourages people who have experienced their own mental health demons to apply for jobs. If you think about it, imagine you are sectioned in a hospital. You are feeling suicidal and can't see a way out. Now who would you most likely want to take advice from...some person who has never had any problems with their mental health, they may be a lovely person, good at their job, but really do they know what they are going on about? Or, the person who has been there themselves. That can turn around and say "actually, I do understand how you are feeling as I have been there myself".  I have actually found working in mental health most of the staff I have met through the work I have done have had their own problems. One of my closest friends through work self harms, has attempted suicide, has had eating disorders, has depression and fights her own demons. Another friend was sectioned and was placed in one of the hospitals I work in. I went in to mental health as of my own experiences. I chose Social Work as a career as of the SW I used to see a couple of years back. He was amazing. Ok sort of gone off course there.

Anyway, I have been using SF quite a bit recently as I have not been doing well at all. I have never had any problems with it until yesterday when one guy made some horrible comments such as

" You are a drain on society"
"You are a waste of space"
"You are wasting everyone time"
You, only do it for the attention hence writing on here and keeping a blog".

He wrote quite a lot of hurtful abusive comments about the self harm and that anyone who does it only does it for attention.

Well I was quite upset about it and it really made me question if using those forums was the best thing to do. I spoke to a few other users and made me feelings known to them that I was upset and he had made me question if I was doing the right thing in using them.

It also made me think about why I blog and why I use SF.

I remain anonymous on here. I don't know if people will actually read this. I know no one I know would do. I did mention to one friend that I blogged and she wanted the address and I said there was no way I was telling her. I use this as a diary. A sounding board to get my thoughts blurted out on. It helps me keep it together. I use it as a distraction technique for when I am feeling like I want to harm it keeps me away from it. Also, if by some chance someone does read it, someone who doesn't self harm and has all these misconceptions about it, well I hope that by being brutally honest about it it will help them have a better understanding. Sometimes I just write on here as I just feel like writing.

I use SF in a slightly different way. Sometimes I need support. One of my issues is that I am overly bothered about peoples perceptions of me. So if I am struggling, if I do something then I can't tell them. Even the professionals who I have met numerous occasions I can't even be honest with them. In fact, there is stuff that I have not even written about on here as I am worried about peoples perceptions. I like to be liked. But then don't we all. But I will do anything to ensure that I am liked. I will go out of my way to help people and not accept anything for it. I really struggled at first working in mental health when patients didn't like me. It took me ages to get over it and realise that they didn't like me as I wouldn't let them have something they could self harm with, or just that I was seen as a professional, one of them! It took me ages to realise it wasn't actually me they didn't like, it was what I was doing. Anyway, with SF I use it to blurt. To voice my thoughts and get feedback on them. Short, not thought out thoughts. I know it doesn't look like it but I do actually think about what I say on here. If looking for advice it attention seeking, then maybe I do that.

Another thing about this self harm thing, no one close to me knows the true extent of it. I have friends who know it's something that happened in the past, friends who don't have a clue that I ever have, friends who know it's something that has happened recently. But no one knows the true extent of things. I don't talk about it with people. If a friend asks me about it I change the subject. I don't like talking about it with people I know. I know there will come a time when I know Sam and Mike better and I will close off to them. No one who knows me knows that I spend my time trawling the net looking at ways I can die that will be a) painless b) quick c) look like an accident d) wont leave someone else thinking it was their fault (so rules out falling in front of a train as it approaches the platform) e) doesn't require an act of bravery on my part as I am a wuss.

So yeah, I have quite a lot of criteria there. I am a wuss. I really am. Although I plan the OD's I always drink before taking them.

So why do I self harm?

I really don't know. I know while doing it I get a rush. It's better than sex (maybe I do need a new boyfriend and sex may help slow down the self harm a little lol). The feeling of the slicing of the flesh. It's like releasing something and I can feel it escape. The cutting is quite a long drawn out process for me. For instance last week I was there 4-5 hours cutting my leg and I didn't realise where the time had gone. I go in to a disassociative state where I lose track of time. It was quite bad last week and it is usually only a couple of hours. When I blood let that is a quick fix. It takes about 30 minutes when I do it properly. There is something about seeing the blood coming out the needle which makes me feel as though I have smoked a spliff. When I want a quicker fix it's just about 5-10minutes of it.

I have been asked so many times about my childhood by different therapists, doctors etc that I have questioned it. I have always before been of a very it's a very freudian way of therapy wanting to relate it to childhood. But the more and more I get asked it the more I think, maybe just maybe those few incidents have had a much bigger impact on me than I realised. I have never shared them with anyone. I am not sure if I will do on here one day.

So my last question is...When do you call in crisis team?

They gave me their number on Monday. I was told I could call them 24/7. But why would I call them. Because I am thinking of cutting, because I am thinking of death? Well I'd never be off the phone would I? Then perhaps when you have made the decision you are going to cut, made the decision you are going to OD yet again. Well, I know myself. Once I have made that decision I will not tell anyone as I will not want anyone interfering with my plans. So the number is sitting there and I wonder, when exactly would I call them? And, I have already opened up to Sam and partly to Mike. I don't want to speak to yet another person who I don't know. I don't want to have to keep explaining over and over again. So for these reasons, I really don't think I will be calling them or making any use of their services.

Attention Seeking!

Dave says he is going to kill himself. Every night he writes how he can't handle life and there is no other way out. Dave has children, and a wife but it seems as though they don't feel or understand his pain. Every night for the past week Dave has said he has had enough and he has taken an overdose of something. Does Dave not know that is not the way out? Sorry, I know it sounds heartless but to me this is just Dave's way of getting attention. He goes on and on about how much he wants out yet uses methods that will not work. I don't know Dave that well. I know he is hurting and there are obviously issues. The way he writes screams personality disorder. The neediness, the constant wanting.



I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.



I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.

I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.

Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.

She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.

My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!

So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?

If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.

I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.

I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!

Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!