I can't get the dream and the feelings out my head. I am actually wondering if I had the dream for a reason. Was it telling me something. Was it telling me to go ahead and do it tonight? The more I think about it the more it makes sense. But I try and rationalise and think it was a dream. Dreams don't speak to you. Dreams are just that, dreams and not a reality.
But I can't get the thoughts out my head. It's going round and round and round. I feel so uneasy. It's like I have been holding my breath for a while.
I don't actually know what to do?
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Weird Feeling
I slept a lot last night. I went to bed at 1. My friend woke me up at 8.30am to be let out the house and I thought I would go back to bed for an hour or so. I didn't wake up until 3pm. I don't feel rested at all. I feel awful. Not in a physical way but mentally. I don't know why but I am having those feelings like when I have done something that has required a hospital trip or like after I was done on a 136.
It is a knot in my stomach that I feel something is uncompleted. It's a sickening feeling of feeling let down and a failure. It may be something to do with the dreams I have having last night. I can't remember many of them.
There was one where I dreamt I was in hospital. I think I was in the hospital grounds and I stabbed myself in my abdomen. The knife or what ever it was was stuck in deeply. I was on a trolley in the normal, not serious injury area of the hospital. It wasn't my hospital or hospital I had been to but it was the staff from my hospital. And bitch nurse was there. I pulled the knife out and I started bleeding and I could feel the warmth of the blood pouring down my legs. The nurse started shouting at me for being stupid. A couple of nurses then rushed me round to the serious injury area, again it wasn't my hospital but the staff were from my hospital. They were saying I needed to have an operation and they would need to let my family know as I would be in hospital for a few days. I said I didn't want them to know and I didn't want the operation as I just wanted to die. I had a really warm fuzzy feeling and it was like I floating. It was an amazing feeling. I said I didn't want to have surgery and I would just stick a plaster on it. They called my family anyway without my permission and they came to the hospital.
Another one I had was weird.
I dreamt I was on a beach and I was looking down at another beach as though I was on a cliff top but I was still on the beach. I was in the sea but it was quite rocky and painful to stand on. I was struggling to get back to the beach as I didn't want to stand up. To get back I rode a small wave back and it meant I didn't have to stand up. I was with a couple of other people but I can't think who they were. When I was back on the beach I was stood watching people on the beach lower down laughing and goofing around. It was a group of young people having fun. Then there was this speed boat that came all of a sudden. A man got off carrying something on his shoulders. He climbed up to where I was and saw that what he was carrying was like a barrel of blood that had come from a donar bank. I remember asking him how many units there were in the barrel and he said 34. He used the phone that was on the wall to ring where he was supposed to be taking it to.
And that's it. With that dream, I wonder if anyway it was related to the first dream.
I think the feelings I have today are possibly because of the 1st dream and because I slept so late. It's like I did do something and didn't get back from the hospital until late and thus sleeping in late. Although it didn't happen it's like my brain is telling me it did.
I have kind of screwed up my sleeping patterns sleeping so late. I have a Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow in the morning so I need to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight but it's not going to happen really.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
It is a knot in my stomach that I feel something is uncompleted. It's a sickening feeling of feeling let down and a failure. It may be something to do with the dreams I have having last night. I can't remember many of them.
There was one where I dreamt I was in hospital. I think I was in the hospital grounds and I stabbed myself in my abdomen. The knife or what ever it was was stuck in deeply. I was on a trolley in the normal, not serious injury area of the hospital. It wasn't my hospital or hospital I had been to but it was the staff from my hospital. And bitch nurse was there. I pulled the knife out and I started bleeding and I could feel the warmth of the blood pouring down my legs. The nurse started shouting at me for being stupid. A couple of nurses then rushed me round to the serious injury area, again it wasn't my hospital but the staff were from my hospital. They were saying I needed to have an operation and they would need to let my family know as I would be in hospital for a few days. I said I didn't want them to know and I didn't want the operation as I just wanted to die. I had a really warm fuzzy feeling and it was like I floating. It was an amazing feeling. I said I didn't want to have surgery and I would just stick a plaster on it. They called my family anyway without my permission and they came to the hospital.
Another one I had was weird.
I dreamt I was on a beach and I was looking down at another beach as though I was on a cliff top but I was still on the beach. I was in the sea but it was quite rocky and painful to stand on. I was struggling to get back to the beach as I didn't want to stand up. To get back I rode a small wave back and it meant I didn't have to stand up. I was with a couple of other people but I can't think who they were. When I was back on the beach I was stood watching people on the beach lower down laughing and goofing around. It was a group of young people having fun. Then there was this speed boat that came all of a sudden. A man got off carrying something on his shoulders. He climbed up to where I was and saw that what he was carrying was like a barrel of blood that had come from a donar bank. I remember asking him how many units there were in the barrel and he said 34. He used the phone that was on the wall to ring where he was supposed to be taking it to.
And that's it. With that dream, I wonder if anyway it was related to the first dream.
I think the feelings I have today are possibly because of the 1st dream and because I slept so late. It's like I did do something and didn't get back from the hospital until late and thus sleeping in late. Although it didn't happen it's like my brain is telling me it did.
I have kind of screwed up my sleeping patterns sleeping so late. I have a Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow in the morning so I need to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight but it's not going to happen really.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Letter to Gom - Pt2
I dream about you most nights. I wake up in tears having re-lived in my dreams what I went through last year. I don't know how I managed to hold it together. I did go travelling with a plan of not coming home. I was reckless. I put myself in situations that could have been dangerous to me. I got wasted on mushrooms and weed and alcohol and went swimming in a river. Raq was with me and enlisted the help of others to get me back safely. I just thought at the time, let me go. I don't care. I want to die.
It's stupid how much I still love you. There are so many things I hate about you.
You are so tight with money
You don't mind living in what resembles student accommodation
You wouldn't have the heating on when it was cold
The pants you used to wear. Old man boxers!
Having to plan meals out on a Sunday and then get really moody with me when I didn't feel like it that night.
You got angry over small things.
You are an old man who never wanted to do anything.
Routine!
Our sex life was crap.
What turned you on really freaked me out. I would try and change it so the control thing was more bondage like but what you like was just weird.
You thought wanking was ok when I was around - do you have any idea how much that used to hurt my feelings.
You never wanted to try anything new in our sex life.
I could never stay up later than you as you say you couldn't sleep knowing that I was going to bed.
You got mardy with me when I wanted to sit with my feet on sofa - having laminate flooring and a cold house anyway meant I got really cold legs all the time and needed to sit with them up. Also I was not like you. I could not sit upright and not move. I like to sprawl out.
Your lack of understanding or trying to understand about my mental health.
I am sure there are many more. There are things I loved about you also.
You made me laugh.
Our bed time routine of having a few minutes of talk with no tv nothing and going over each of our days. We would then spoon for a while and then both turn our backs to each other and get as far away as possible from each other as we both like our space when we sleep.
Your stupid little bets...how one night you bet me you would be able to sleep with a ladder from a bunk bed between us. I won. I can sleep anywhere in any situation.
Our stupid talk.
Little in jokes.
You were always quite generous with me. When it came to birthdays and xmas you weren't tight with my presents.
You got me interested in travelling
You were my best friend. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up I lost my best friend. OK I wasn't honest with you about the self harm etc. You knew when I cut but you don't know that there were over doses that were nearly everyweek. I lost your family. I loved your family as much as I loved my own. They were my family also. I was with you such a long time. I miss your family so much. I lost my cat. You brought my him when I overdosed for the first time. The first time that was serious and with intent to die anyway. I called him my suicide cat. I couldn't take him with me as he was a bit violent towards other animals. But he was a big softy with humans. He was a stroking whore and would go to anyone who would stroke him. He would run to the door when it went to see who was there and he would meet you like a dog does when you come home from work. He used to beg for food also. He was a strange cat and I miss him like mad.
It's quite hard for me knowing you have moved LD in now. I chose that house with you. I helped you make all the changes we made. It was my home. I hated the way you always used to say things like it's my house, OK, you owned it but it was my home also. I lost everything in such a short space of time.
I don't think you will ever have any idea in to how much you hurt me.
Remember when we were in Australia. We both used to have dreams that we were back home and we used to wake up relieved that we were still in Australia. Well, I have dreams like that now. I dream we get back together. In the dream I know it is wrong and I wake up relieved that it's not true.
I would like to ask you why you tried to stay in contact with me. Why did you give me money for my birthday when you were with LD. You sent me pointless emails and things up until recently about small things that I couldn't care less about or asking me something. I would like to think you were wanting to stay in touch some how. Testing the waters. I have been really strong this time. I am not going to chase you anymore. The amount of times we broke up and I kept forcing the issue and we would end up getting back together. I wonder if I hadn't have done if things would have changed about how I feel now.
I know we shouldn't be together. I know we were not right as a couple. I am too bolshy and outgoing where as you prefer the quiet life. Also you couldn't handle the mental health problems could you. You didn't understand. You never really tried to either.
I went from being a child to being an adult while I was with you. I have a lot to thank you for. I genuinally do. But I have a lot to resent you for. I don't think these feelings will go anytime soon either. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I am sorry that we lost each other. In a way I am sorry we met.
I think you will always have a place in my heart though. As much as I hate you at the moment I think a small part of me will always love you.
xxxx
It's stupid how much I still love you. There are so many things I hate about you.
You are so tight with money
You don't mind living in what resembles student accommodation
You wouldn't have the heating on when it was cold
The pants you used to wear. Old man boxers!
Having to plan meals out on a Sunday and then get really moody with me when I didn't feel like it that night.
You got angry over small things.
You are an old man who never wanted to do anything.
Routine!
Our sex life was crap.
What turned you on really freaked me out. I would try and change it so the control thing was more bondage like but what you like was just weird.
You thought wanking was ok when I was around - do you have any idea how much that used to hurt my feelings.
You never wanted to try anything new in our sex life.
I could never stay up later than you as you say you couldn't sleep knowing that I was going to bed.
You got mardy with me when I wanted to sit with my feet on sofa - having laminate flooring and a cold house anyway meant I got really cold legs all the time and needed to sit with them up. Also I was not like you. I could not sit upright and not move. I like to sprawl out.
Your lack of understanding or trying to understand about my mental health.
I am sure there are many more. There are things I loved about you also.
You made me laugh.
Our bed time routine of having a few minutes of talk with no tv nothing and going over each of our days. We would then spoon for a while and then both turn our backs to each other and get as far away as possible from each other as we both like our space when we sleep.
Your stupid little bets...how one night you bet me you would be able to sleep with a ladder from a bunk bed between us. I won. I can sleep anywhere in any situation.
Our stupid talk.
Little in jokes.
You were always quite generous with me. When it came to birthdays and xmas you weren't tight with my presents.
You got me interested in travelling
You were my best friend. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up I lost my best friend. OK I wasn't honest with you about the self harm etc. You knew when I cut but you don't know that there were over doses that were nearly everyweek. I lost your family. I loved your family as much as I loved my own. They were my family also. I was with you such a long time. I miss your family so much. I lost my cat. You brought my him when I overdosed for the first time. The first time that was serious and with intent to die anyway. I called him my suicide cat. I couldn't take him with me as he was a bit violent towards other animals. But he was a big softy with humans. He was a stroking whore and would go to anyone who would stroke him. He would run to the door when it went to see who was there and he would meet you like a dog does when you come home from work. He used to beg for food also. He was a strange cat and I miss him like mad.
It's quite hard for me knowing you have moved LD in now. I chose that house with you. I helped you make all the changes we made. It was my home. I hated the way you always used to say things like it's my house, OK, you owned it but it was my home also. I lost everything in such a short space of time.
I don't think you will ever have any idea in to how much you hurt me.
Remember when we were in Australia. We both used to have dreams that we were back home and we used to wake up relieved that we were still in Australia. Well, I have dreams like that now. I dream we get back together. In the dream I know it is wrong and I wake up relieved that it's not true.
I would like to ask you why you tried to stay in contact with me. Why did you give me money for my birthday when you were with LD. You sent me pointless emails and things up until recently about small things that I couldn't care less about or asking me something. I would like to think you were wanting to stay in touch some how. Testing the waters. I have been really strong this time. I am not going to chase you anymore. The amount of times we broke up and I kept forcing the issue and we would end up getting back together. I wonder if I hadn't have done if things would have changed about how I feel now.
I know we shouldn't be together. I know we were not right as a couple. I am too bolshy and outgoing where as you prefer the quiet life. Also you couldn't handle the mental health problems could you. You didn't understand. You never really tried to either.
I went from being a child to being an adult while I was with you. I have a lot to thank you for. I genuinally do. But I have a lot to resent you for. I don't think these feelings will go anytime soon either. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I am sorry that we lost each other. In a way I am sorry we met.
I think you will always have a place in my heart though. As much as I hate you at the moment I think a small part of me will always love you.
xxxx
Thursday, 13 January 2011
More Musings
Things are getting worse.
I know I shouldn't have stopped taking the meds but I can't cope with the way they make me feel. If I take them at night they affect my sleep so much that I feel like crap as I haven't had any sleep. If I take them during the day they make me feel so sick I can't function. So basically I can't function on them. I know they worked in improving my mood but I can't be doing with the physical side effects also. I last took one on Tuesday evening but last had one on Thursday before that so it's a week since I have taken them properly. Surly they wouldn't be out my system that quickly?
Things have gotten bad again for me. I am planning on self harming in a few days as to get some escape. I have mentioned it to Sam but I have not told her the extent on which I am planning. I know she would have to break confidentiality and I have said because of this I would not even say if I was planning on doing worse. I am a stubborn person, I know that I am going to do it on the day that I have chosen to do it. There is nothing that can be done that will stop me. So I can't see the point in talking about it with a counsellor as I have already made my mind up.
It has taken over me though. All I keep thinking about is that day and what and how I will do it. It seems so stupid actually writing it down. To read it it probably appears "oh another person seeking attention". If it was an attention thing people would know about the self harm. I wouldn't wait for people to be out, I would tell people about it and talk about it and my feelings. But no, I keep them to myself. Well and the people that read this but no one knows who I am and I use this as more of a diary and don't actually think anyone would be interested in reading my rambling thoughts.
Is the news more sad at the moment or is it me? I found myself crying at over 50% of the stories. I have even cried at adverts. It's getting stupid. I try and put a brave face on. But I think I over compensate and have been coming across as hyper and a bit mad. Oh well, being a bit mad adds character!
Anyway, on to something else that has been bothering me.
Babies.
I am so bloody broody. I even stood in front of the mirror this morning and stuck my belly out to see what it would look like if I was pregnant. I look at pregnant people and am so jealous. Lots of my school friends have kids now and their pictures are all over Facebook. I see what clothes they put them in and think "I wouldn't do that, you have made them look like a mini chav". I see kids in pushchairs with a dummy in and hate it and think to myself how I am never going to let my kid have a dummy as I hate to see kids with a dummy in. Especially when the kid is about 4 years old. Chavs! Not the kids, the parents. I over hear what parents say to their kids and think "you shouldn't speak to them like that, I wouldn't if they were mine". I have all these ideas about parenting and I know it sounds big headed but I think I would make a good mum. Strict, fair and loving. Ignore tantrums and not give in. I don't with my nephew. If I can be strict but firm with him and he is not even mine then surly it will follow with my own.
I do have a slight problem though...no one to make the baby with. I wont do the one night stand thing and get pregnant. Not yet anyway. If I get to 35 and I have not had kids then maybe then. At the moment I want the family thing. I don't want to lose the respect of my friends and family by being silly and getting pregnany off a one night stand.
I don't think I think that having a baby would "cure" me. I don't think it would make my problems magically go away. I am aware that as I already have a history of mental health problems I would probably get quite bad post natal depression. And, I know that it is not fair to bring a child up with me being the way I am at the moment. Maybe there is some naive thought processes in there similar to those that some teenage girls have that want something to unconditionally love and be loved back from. I don't think so though. My friends all laugh at me as I have been broody since I was about 13. They know that I am first in there to offer to hold someones kid, I love being around kids. I love how they hold a magical view of the world. I find child development fascinating and would love to see it happen with my own. So I know it's not just about being pregnant and having a new born. In fact, I find new borns quite dull. But, I do want the experience of being pregnant. Ideal for me would be pregnancy, and have a 3 month old born. No pain though. I am a wuss when it comes to pain. I have already decided I want an epidural and all the pain killers going. Free, legal drugs, who'd be stupid enough to turn those down.... That was a joke it would be kind of irresponsable to get pregnant just for the drugs.
I think pregnant women look beautiful. Not the chavy ones who wear short tops and show their bump off that way, but a nice fitted top so you can't see skin.
I know it wont happen any time soon. But, it doesn't stop me having dreams that I am pregnant and have a child. I have managed to deal kind of ok with Gom moving in his new girlfriend. Yeh, it upsets me but I can deal with it. It's when I find out she's pregnant that's I am not going to be able to deal with.
So what do I do now... make the most of having 2 of the most gorgeous nephews in the world. Practice makes perfect. One thing I will remember Gom for is when nephew number 1 was born he made a comment along the lines of, "yeah, we'll babysit, good practice, at least if we screw up they're not ours and can return them".
Oh, another piece of news I have, non baby related though. I went for assessment with a nurse the other day which I was referred to by the useless Psychiatrist I saw. Waste of time. She basically told me my case was too complex, I was still self harming so no one would see me and is going to refer me back to the waste of time Psychiatrist I saw before. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I know I am going to have to tell him about the meds and me not taking them. The psych suggested another one to take. I hold no faith in it. I have researched it and a lot of clincal trials have shown it is no better than a placebo. So not holding out for that one. I think I am going to ask to go back on Mirtazapine.
Well, this diary entry has run dry so I'll sign off.
x
I know I shouldn't have stopped taking the meds but I can't cope with the way they make me feel. If I take them at night they affect my sleep so much that I feel like crap as I haven't had any sleep. If I take them during the day they make me feel so sick I can't function. So basically I can't function on them. I know they worked in improving my mood but I can't be doing with the physical side effects also. I last took one on Tuesday evening but last had one on Thursday before that so it's a week since I have taken them properly. Surly they wouldn't be out my system that quickly?
Things have gotten bad again for me. I am planning on self harming in a few days as to get some escape. I have mentioned it to Sam but I have not told her the extent on which I am planning. I know she would have to break confidentiality and I have said because of this I would not even say if I was planning on doing worse. I am a stubborn person, I know that I am going to do it on the day that I have chosen to do it. There is nothing that can be done that will stop me. So I can't see the point in talking about it with a counsellor as I have already made my mind up.
It has taken over me though. All I keep thinking about is that day and what and how I will do it. It seems so stupid actually writing it down. To read it it probably appears "oh another person seeking attention". If it was an attention thing people would know about the self harm. I wouldn't wait for people to be out, I would tell people about it and talk about it and my feelings. But no, I keep them to myself. Well and the people that read this but no one knows who I am and I use this as more of a diary and don't actually think anyone would be interested in reading my rambling thoughts.
Is the news more sad at the moment or is it me? I found myself crying at over 50% of the stories. I have even cried at adverts. It's getting stupid. I try and put a brave face on. But I think I over compensate and have been coming across as hyper and a bit mad. Oh well, being a bit mad adds character!
Anyway, on to something else that has been bothering me.
Babies.
I am so bloody broody. I even stood in front of the mirror this morning and stuck my belly out to see what it would look like if I was pregnant. I look at pregnant people and am so jealous. Lots of my school friends have kids now and their pictures are all over Facebook. I see what clothes they put them in and think "I wouldn't do that, you have made them look like a mini chav". I see kids in pushchairs with a dummy in and hate it and think to myself how I am never going to let my kid have a dummy as I hate to see kids with a dummy in. Especially when the kid is about 4 years old. Chavs! Not the kids, the parents. I over hear what parents say to their kids and think "you shouldn't speak to them like that, I wouldn't if they were mine". I have all these ideas about parenting and I know it sounds big headed but I think I would make a good mum. Strict, fair and loving. Ignore tantrums and not give in. I don't with my nephew. If I can be strict but firm with him and he is not even mine then surly it will follow with my own.
I do have a slight problem though...no one to make the baby with. I wont do the one night stand thing and get pregnant. Not yet anyway. If I get to 35 and I have not had kids then maybe then. At the moment I want the family thing. I don't want to lose the respect of my friends and family by being silly and getting pregnany off a one night stand.
I don't think I think that having a baby would "cure" me. I don't think it would make my problems magically go away. I am aware that as I already have a history of mental health problems I would probably get quite bad post natal depression. And, I know that it is not fair to bring a child up with me being the way I am at the moment. Maybe there is some naive thought processes in there similar to those that some teenage girls have that want something to unconditionally love and be loved back from. I don't think so though. My friends all laugh at me as I have been broody since I was about 13. They know that I am first in there to offer to hold someones kid, I love being around kids. I love how they hold a magical view of the world. I find child development fascinating and would love to see it happen with my own. So I know it's not just about being pregnant and having a new born. In fact, I find new borns quite dull. But, I do want the experience of being pregnant. Ideal for me would be pregnancy, and have a 3 month old born. No pain though. I am a wuss when it comes to pain. I have already decided I want an epidural and all the pain killers going. Free, legal drugs, who'd be stupid enough to turn those down.... That was a joke it would be kind of irresponsable to get pregnant just for the drugs.
I think pregnant women look beautiful. Not the chavy ones who wear short tops and show their bump off that way, but a nice fitted top so you can't see skin.
I know it wont happen any time soon. But, it doesn't stop me having dreams that I am pregnant and have a child. I have managed to deal kind of ok with Gom moving in his new girlfriend. Yeh, it upsets me but I can deal with it. It's when I find out she's pregnant that's I am not going to be able to deal with.
So what do I do now... make the most of having 2 of the most gorgeous nephews in the world. Practice makes perfect. One thing I will remember Gom for is when nephew number 1 was born he made a comment along the lines of, "yeah, we'll babysit, good practice, at least if we screw up they're not ours and can return them".
Oh, another piece of news I have, non baby related though. I went for assessment with a nurse the other day which I was referred to by the useless Psychiatrist I saw. Waste of time. She basically told me my case was too complex, I was still self harming so no one would see me and is going to refer me back to the waste of time Psychiatrist I saw before. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I know I am going to have to tell him about the meds and me not taking them. The psych suggested another one to take. I hold no faith in it. I have researched it and a lot of clincal trials have shown it is no better than a placebo. So not holding out for that one. I think I am going to ask to go back on Mirtazapine.
Well, this diary entry has run dry so I'll sign off.
x
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