I have still not been discharged. But I am on leave. This post is today October 17th.
I have been on leave since Monday last week, bar one night when I was asked to stay. Big mistake. Will explain more in a minute.
First off, uni have pissed me off. All along they have been supportive saying concentrate on getting better, don't worry about the course as you can come back on it when you are better and indicating it would be fine for me to return once I was out of hospital. Then all of a sudden they emailed the hospital with a whole bunch of reasons why they thought it not be a good idea that I return this year. Some of them I understood, I expected it from the beginning when I first informed them I was in hospital. But it came so quick. The hospital knew that. And, it was why I was not discharged on Thursday as the plan was. I was asked if I would stay that night as the news had upset me and I agreed. Going back to uni this year has been my main focus in trying to get better, trying to show them that I could seek help when I needed it. By this I mean seeking out staff when I was struggling and talking to them and asking for PRN medication if I felt I needed it. And in uni giving me this news I kind of felt as what's the point! The hospital were worried I would act badly and because it was my focus wanted me to be around staff that night so I could talk to them if I needed.
So I was allowed to go home for a few hours to take my car home and pick up clothes so I could get changed the next day etc. 9pm I was back on the ward. 10pm I had to get off. So I did. I took myself off without telling anyone where I was going and over stayed my unescorted leave. I needed to be alone. I needed to be out of the place. It has a smell about it. It has a feeling. It makes me feel worse. It wasn't that settled either and so it was making me feel anxious and I couldn't think. So I needed to have time on my own. I knew the ward were getting worried when I had missed calls from them and then the security guards asked me if I was GP and I denied it. I moved to a quieter place, still within hospital grounds. After about 2 hours some staff found me. I did not want to go back to the ward and they called a security guard. I explained how I felt and that it was being on there. I tried walking away from them but they grabbed me. They were being nice to me though.
After a while one of the staff flagged down the police who were driving past. They asked me to go back and I still was saying no. So they handcuffed me. They put me in their car. I managed to get out the handcuffs and tried to get out the car by winding down the window and trying to open it from the outside but the police man grabbed on to me. By now I was feeling even worse and was getting quite angry about being dragged back to the ward so I was struggling. They dumped me back on the ward and staff took me to my room and IM'd me with medication but I was still quite irate. I had a razor on me also as I planned on self harming. I didn't tell them this but they knew as they had found the broken remnants of one. They were holding on to me as I would not give it up and while I was upset they wouldn't leave me alone. At this point they were wanting to get me transferred to PICU again and even called the local one trying to get me a bed there. Thankfully they were full and the one I was in before was too far away for transfer in the middle of the night. It all ended with the staff coming off me and staying in my room. They let me keep the razor but said I had to take it out my mouth if I wanted them to leave me alone as they didn't want me swallowing it in my sleep. So I was able to wrap it in a tissue and put it under the pillow. It ended with me falling asleep.
The next morning I was woken by staff coming in my room to get the razor. Being as though I was in a medication hangover I gave it up with no resistance. So that was on Thursday.
What has happened since then?
Even though I had been upset the night before the PDoc granted my leave and over the weekend I went to a family wedding. It was really hard. All my family know that I have been in hospital and so I had them constantly checking on me making sure I was ok and trying to talk to me about what had happened and what was happening now. I got home from the wedding drained. It didn't help my Dad got really pissed and was really annoying. The split between my parents is also bothering me quite a lot. I feel as though I am in the middle of both of them. I am living with my Mum at the moment. We have moved house and it is a lot smaller than the house we lived in with my Dad. So she has had to leave quite a lot of stuff. But he doesn't want her stuff around and so he keeps on at me to try and get my Mum to sort it out and has boxed up a load of stuff and made me bring it back. I keep getting from both of them their own takes on things and how they are coping and I know it sounds selfish but I can't cope at the moment with dealing with their problems as well as my own. The PDoc said I need to set boundaries with them, but I don't feel that I can.
What am I going to do with the next year?
Well I am going to have to claim benefits for a while. I don't hold much hope in getting a job any time soon. I feel that I am not well enough yet to do something that I hate doing as it will make me feel worse. I know that will probably receive criticism from some people but if you don't like what you read don't read it. I don't plan on being on them long. I am giving myself until Xmas to get myself sorted out with a job. I am also going to try and do some short courses while I am off over the next year. I want to do something that is going to help me with my career as I haven't exactly gone and helped it by getting sectioned. So I was thinking something like counselling skills. I will have to see what's out there.
So, I went back to the hospital today after my weekend of leave. I had to see the PDOC. We had a chat about basically everything I have written on here and diagnosis. He asked me what I thought about everything now and I said I was worried as I had been having bad thoughts over the weekend. He said he had the feeling that being in hospital made things worse for me in terms of the self harm as I have more things stopping me at home. The fact I can't lock any doors is a major factor at home. And the house is so small that I would feel weird self harming while my Mum is so close. He said he felt that if something was going to happen it would have happened by now with me. So although I felt worried he had less concerns. He spoke to me about diagnosis also.
He said it wasn't a PD. He said there was no way I could complete a year of a Masters level course and not completely fall apart at the first hurdle. He said he would expect someone with a PD to have increased self harm and attempts when they were stressed and struggling over things such as hard essays and other bad things that happen in life. He said it hadn't happened with me. He said I had stumbled at times but had managed to get myself through it. He also said with PD the traits are there all the time where as with me they are not, they are just there when I am struggling. And on to the traits. There are not enough traits there to be able to be diagnosed with it. He said he agreed with the diagnosis of Cyclothymic disorder (basically a milder form of bi-polar) that the other PDoc had given me. The medication that I have been given for mood disorder has worked which again indicates it is a mood disorder.
I have said all along that there are traits. I have acknowledged that, but I have also said it is not a PD. I have tried to fight this, not just because of the stigma of PD but because I felt I didn't have it.
There is someone who commented on one of my posts under anonymous was quite rude over the diagnosis thing. I don't get people who go by anonymous. Why hide behind it? Anyway, that's a whole new topic and I have written enough now. I am tired and going to go to bed after being a good patient on leave and taking my range of medication. I wonder how long I will have to deal with medication for if it's something I will be on for the rest of my life. It makes me kind of worried really. But if the sodium valporate is stabilising my mood then I should be thankful for that. At the moment I need just to concentrate on that.
Showing posts with label personality disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personality disorder. Show all posts
Monday, 17 October 2011
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Blog Carnival - Stigma and Discrimination.
This is quite an important topic to me. So important I am writing my dissertation for my Masters in Social Work on it. In particular the stigma of personality disorders.
With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.
I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.
I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.
It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?
Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.
I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.
I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.
When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.
It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.
Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.
When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?
I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...
xxx
With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.
I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.
I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.
It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?
Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.
I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.
I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.
When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.
It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.
Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.
When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?
I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...
xxx
Monday, 9 May 2011
Pissed Off
I was having last minute doubts about Sam coming to the appointment with Dr T today but didn't do anything about it. Turns out it wasn't that bad. Although Sam did bring up how paranoid I was when I was in the hyper mood. So the doc starts asking me how paranoid I was and about what. I felt so stupid. I couldn't talk with 2 professionals there. It was too much. So I just quickly said about being sectioned. He asked if there was anything else and I said no. He asked me if I was sure as it didn't look like I was being truthful. So I said about people following me. I said I can rationalise those thoughts but there is always a seed of doubt there and that perhaps it is true. Well actually before I said that I said I didn't want to say as it sounded stupid and I know it's not the case and I didn't want to. But he said how can I help you if you don't tell me. So queue me feeling so stupid and telling him that. I didn't tell him how every time I see a police car I feel they are coming for me. Or that people are tricking me by telling me they are doing one thing but really they are doing another...I'll get to more of that in a bit.
We talked more about when I am feeling as though everything is going fast. And you know what he put it down to...panic state. No. I don't feel panicked. I don't have anything to feel panicky about. Ok, maybe the paranoia makes me feel a bit on edge. But it's nothing massive and I can rationalise with myself. So he said well, what you have described is panic state and that fits in with BPD. I told him again I didn't agree. And queried that with PD isn't it a more rapid cycling of mood. He said not necessary. He goes on to tell me and tried to re-assure me that PD is seen as an illness just the same as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia. What a load of SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Please remember I have seen MH from both sides. Do not try to fob me off Dr T!
Not just the stigma that comes with that diagnosis but I don't believe that it is the diagnosis. I have more trust in Dr Google than I do him. I don't know how many sources that Dr Google has but all of them disagree with him. On those quiz things, ok I know most of them are for fun but some are to do with the DSM-IV and there is some element of truth in them. But not one that I have done points to PD. I don't know. Maybe because I know there is so much of a stigma that comes with that that maybe is pushing me in the opposite way. He kept going on and on about it being a deep routed thing and will take a lot of work.
I emailed Sam after the appointment saying this to her
"Don't know if I said it earlier but thanks for coming with me today.
I'm still pissed off as I don't think it's an accurate diagnosis and it's all well and good saying not to focus on it but if it's on my records it is what other people will see as soon as they pick up my file. It's not just the stigma etc that is attached to it and what other people see which clouds my judgement but I just don't think it's right. I know I shouldn't put too much faith in Dr Google but from what I have read around it and those stupid tests, which some are based on DSM-IV but not one of them points to PD. "
It just seems as no one is listening to me. How many times do I have to tell them I don't have problems with anxiety or panicking. Actually to be fair I may have said that I do. They ask so many bloody questions and want answers and I am not sure if I have, maybe I haven't that I sometimes feel anxious. I am going to have to say it on Wednesday when I see Sam. I don't think that I am anxious person. Yeah, I get normal anxiety before exams etc but not in general. People have commented on how calm I am before exams presentations and getting marks back. My philosophy is I have not worked as hard as I could have so however I do is a bonus. Or in terms of work and presentations - I have done what I can do so what is the point fretting about it all now. What's done is done and there is no changing it. I don't find anxiety bothers me at all. So why do people fixate on it.
I am going to have to speak to Sam about it as I am just throwing things out there when really, that isn't what it is. I think maybe I am saying things people want to hear. Sam could tell I was feeling pissed off as she grabbed me before she left and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no, and I was going home to stew over it.
I think I self harm when I am angry. I self harm when I am pissed off. I know a couple of times I have been so pissed off and I have ended up self harming. I think a lot of it is habit. He was asking about the self harm again and I said it's pretty much every day. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I had not self harmed more since I have been at home more. That shows how much he listens as I have said before, I never self harm in the day and it is late at night. So being on my own all day does not make one bit of difference.
He asked me if I had thoughts of doing anything else. Well, yeah, they are there most the time. But I didn't go in to detail. By this point I was just pissed off and wanted to leave.
I am getting a support worker or a CCO. He wants me to call them rather than self harm. Nope, doesn't work like that for me. If I decide I am going to self harm that is it. Also, I feel it's so ingrained in me that it happens so often that speaking to someone isn't going to help. But, what he did point out which was true was I wont talk to anyone who I don't know. And they will be there between my appointments with Sam. He did say would only be for 2-3 months. I don't see how I am going to get to know someone in that amount of time and trust them for them to be effective, so really what is the point? What if I don't like the person and don't feel as though I can talk to them at all. It's a bit of a waste of time really. I am being very negative aren't I?
So long story short. I am getting a CCO/Support Worker, albeit for a limited time. He has upped the dose of Quetiapine to 300mg. To be taken in one go. That's going to be fun then isn't it? He keeps going on about how is for aggitation and anxiety..."HELLLOOOOOO, have you not listened to a word I have said". I should get some sleep hopefully anyway as not slept the last 3 nights. And that was it. That was a horrible Psychiatrist appointment.
I was going to write about the other paranoia things but this is rather lomg as it is so I will save that for another post.
This bloody appointment has made me so angry. I want to cry when I am angry. I am not going to let this make me cry!
We talked more about when I am feeling as though everything is going fast. And you know what he put it down to...panic state. No. I don't feel panicked. I don't have anything to feel panicky about. Ok, maybe the paranoia makes me feel a bit on edge. But it's nothing massive and I can rationalise with myself. So he said well, what you have described is panic state and that fits in with BPD. I told him again I didn't agree. And queried that with PD isn't it a more rapid cycling of mood. He said not necessary. He goes on to tell me and tried to re-assure me that PD is seen as an illness just the same as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia. What a load of SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Please remember I have seen MH from both sides. Do not try to fob me off Dr T!
Not just the stigma that comes with that diagnosis but I don't believe that it is the diagnosis. I have more trust in Dr Google than I do him. I don't know how many sources that Dr Google has but all of them disagree with him. On those quiz things, ok I know most of them are for fun but some are to do with the DSM-IV and there is some element of truth in them. But not one that I have done points to PD. I don't know. Maybe because I know there is so much of a stigma that comes with that that maybe is pushing me in the opposite way. He kept going on and on about it being a deep routed thing and will take a lot of work.
I emailed Sam after the appointment saying this to her
"Don't know if I said it earlier but thanks for coming with me today.
I'm still pissed off as I don't think it's an accurate diagnosis and it's all well and good saying not to focus on it but if it's on my records it is what other people will see as soon as they pick up my file. It's not just the stigma etc that is attached to it and what other people see which clouds my judgement but I just don't think it's right. I know I shouldn't put too much faith in Dr Google but from what I have read around it and those stupid tests, which some are based on DSM-IV but not one of them points to PD. "
It just seems as no one is listening to me. How many times do I have to tell them I don't have problems with anxiety or panicking. Actually to be fair I may have said that I do. They ask so many bloody questions and want answers and I am not sure if I have, maybe I haven't that I sometimes feel anxious. I am going to have to say it on Wednesday when I see Sam. I don't think that I am anxious person. Yeah, I get normal anxiety before exams etc but not in general. People have commented on how calm I am before exams presentations and getting marks back. My philosophy is I have not worked as hard as I could have so however I do is a bonus. Or in terms of work and presentations - I have done what I can do so what is the point fretting about it all now. What's done is done and there is no changing it. I don't find anxiety bothers me at all. So why do people fixate on it.
I am going to have to speak to Sam about it as I am just throwing things out there when really, that isn't what it is. I think maybe I am saying things people want to hear. Sam could tell I was feeling pissed off as she grabbed me before she left and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no, and I was going home to stew over it.
I think I self harm when I am angry. I self harm when I am pissed off. I know a couple of times I have been so pissed off and I have ended up self harming. I think a lot of it is habit. He was asking about the self harm again and I said it's pretty much every day. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I had not self harmed more since I have been at home more. That shows how much he listens as I have said before, I never self harm in the day and it is late at night. So being on my own all day does not make one bit of difference.
He asked me if I had thoughts of doing anything else. Well, yeah, they are there most the time. But I didn't go in to detail. By this point I was just pissed off and wanted to leave.
I am getting a support worker or a CCO. He wants me to call them rather than self harm. Nope, doesn't work like that for me. If I decide I am going to self harm that is it. Also, I feel it's so ingrained in me that it happens so often that speaking to someone isn't going to help. But, what he did point out which was true was I wont talk to anyone who I don't know. And they will be there between my appointments with Sam. He did say would only be for 2-3 months. I don't see how I am going to get to know someone in that amount of time and trust them for them to be effective, so really what is the point? What if I don't like the person and don't feel as though I can talk to them at all. It's a bit of a waste of time really. I am being very negative aren't I?
So long story short. I am getting a CCO/Support Worker, albeit for a limited time. He has upped the dose of Quetiapine to 300mg. To be taken in one go. That's going to be fun then isn't it? He keeps going on about how is for aggitation and anxiety..."HELLLOOOOOO, have you not listened to a word I have said". I should get some sleep hopefully anyway as not slept the last 3 nights. And that was it. That was a horrible Psychiatrist appointment.
I was going to write about the other paranoia things but this is rather lomg as it is so I will save that for another post.
This bloody appointment has made me so angry. I want to cry when I am angry. I am not going to let this make me cry!
Monday, 31 January 2011
Distractions.
I have spent most of the day online responding to peoples posts on SF. It has been keeping me distracted for wanting to self harm and getting in to an even lower mood. I have had quite a bad weekend. I haven't self harmed massively, just blood letting. To me that is better in terms of medically. I am not taking up resources, I don't need treatment for it and it doesn't leave massive gashes that can go infected like the ones at the moment. Although I am probably to blame with these as I haven't been taking the antibiotics as they make me ill so I hope I will fight the infection myself. I planned on staying in bed all day yesterday and I actually cried when my mum said I was actually expected to be at my brothers for dinner at 12.
Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does. But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.
So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.
So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.
So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.
We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness
8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.
So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.
Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.
He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.
I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.
So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.
I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.
I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.
Thanks for reading - if you do?
Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does. But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.
So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.
So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.
So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.
We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness
8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.
So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.
Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.
He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.
I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.
So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.
I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.
I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.
Thanks for reading - if you do?
Monday, 22 November 2010
Waste of Time!
I feel like I wasted my time today.
I had to go see a Psychiatrist about the self harm etc. I don't agree with the diagnosis that they had previously said I have which is emotionally unstable personality disorder borderline type. I said to him numerous times that to be diagnosed you need to meet 5 of the 9 criteria and I only met about 2-3. I agree that there are some traits but then with personality disorders everyone meets traits in some of the categories. I said I meet traits in the other ones also does that mean I have those. A few weeks ago at uni we did a thing on personality disorders. It was a clinical psychologist who ran the lecture and he said to everyone, go through these list of personality disorders and I want everyone who doesn't meet any criteria on any of them to raise their hand. Funnily enough no one did. He said even himself that he met some criteria but doesn't mean he had a personality disorder. Just because I self harm they want to label it as a PD. I feel so angry!
So back to the appointment. He asked me a load of questions. I said to him from the start that its hard for me to be totally honest about what is going on as the thing I fear most is hospitalisation. So I basically told him that yes, I was feeling suicidal and that overdosing is not the way I would choose to do it. I said I would make it look like more of an accident. I also said I didn't have any plans. This much is true as I don't have definite plans. He asked me where I see my self in the future. I said to him honestly what I would like but I couldn't see that happening with the way I am feeling now. I talked about the low mood. I also talked about the thought racing, everything going a million miles an hour and how it can last for a few days at a time. Then it goes back to being low. I quickly brushed over how I sometimes see things that aren't there or hear things that aren't there when I feel like this but he didn't really seem to hear me. What I mean is he didn't ask me to elaborate so I don't think that is a worry from him. After an hour he comes back to the same thing..."I'm not saying you have a PD but there are traits there and you would be best treated by PD services". It makes me feel so angry. He did not listen to a word I said.
I have had my meds changed again. Now being put on Duloxetine and he said if that didn't work then would try Reboxetine. I have looked in to both of them as I do and I hod no faith in the reboxetine so hoping that the Duloxetine will help. I asked him if I could combine the Duloxetine with the Mirtazapine and he said he felt it would be bad practice and went on about how he didn't know me and would be bad of him to do that. I felt like saying "you don't know me but you are making assumptions about me already though"! I just feel so angry about today and felt that it was such a waste of time. I still feel really low and depressed but now I also have the feelings of anger to contend with. So he is referring me on to the PD services as he feels I should have some kind of psychotherapy to address why I self harm. He said he found it odd that I didn't start self harming until I was 22. I do also.
I don't know what I wanted to come out of the appointment today. Maybe I am feeling angry as I didn't get what I wanted...i.e a different diagnosis. I work in mental health already and I know the stigma that comes attached to PD's. It's not a definite diagnosis of it but it's there that there are traits. It makes me angry as every one has traits but it's not in their medical notes etc.
He was incredibly patronising also. You could tell he was doing a textbook assessment..."thank you for sharing that, we appreciate it very much and we know it must be hard for you". Over and over and over and over again. I felt like saying "please just stop reading from your textbook"! I am not stupid. I am aware of what is going on and I don't want to be treated like that. I appreciate some people may give a little more info etc if they feel that what they are saying is being taken with some empathy. I am not one of those. Don't do it with me!
So, I don't know how long it will take for this psychotherapy thing to come through. I have said there is no way I am doing group based therapy. The reasons being are that I work in the city as a mental health worker and don't want to risk being in therapy with my own service users. Also the course I am doing could mean that I am likely to come in to contact with SU's through the studies and placements. But also, group therapy is not for me. I am very private. OK, I know I write a blog about it but I don't think anyone actually reads this and it's not as though you know who I am. But, there is no way I can sit in a group and discuss my self harming and feelings of suicidalness. I find it really hard to open up to people and I have issues around trust so a group thing would just not work for me. I told him this but I will have to wait and see what happens. I was also told by one of the nurses at the local hospital that I wouldn't be able to do psychotherapy until I had not self harmed in about 12 months as of the risk of it making things worse. Who knows what this therapy will be like then.
I have ideas about what could be factors affecting the way I do now. The thing is I have never told anyone about it. I worry about what people think of me too much so to tell them about something that happened when I was 13 is too big a risk I can't take. It's not like sexual abuse or anything like that but some stuff happened and I feel to tell anyone would affect the way people think of me now even though it was 13years ago. There are also other things that I just wont talk about. I know I am not doing myself any favours. But I can't.
I had to go see a Psychiatrist about the self harm etc. I don't agree with the diagnosis that they had previously said I have which is emotionally unstable personality disorder borderline type. I said to him numerous times that to be diagnosed you need to meet 5 of the 9 criteria and I only met about 2-3. I agree that there are some traits but then with personality disorders everyone meets traits in some of the categories. I said I meet traits in the other ones also does that mean I have those. A few weeks ago at uni we did a thing on personality disorders. It was a clinical psychologist who ran the lecture and he said to everyone, go through these list of personality disorders and I want everyone who doesn't meet any criteria on any of them to raise their hand. Funnily enough no one did. He said even himself that he met some criteria but doesn't mean he had a personality disorder. Just because I self harm they want to label it as a PD. I feel so angry!
So back to the appointment. He asked me a load of questions. I said to him from the start that its hard for me to be totally honest about what is going on as the thing I fear most is hospitalisation. So I basically told him that yes, I was feeling suicidal and that overdosing is not the way I would choose to do it. I said I would make it look like more of an accident. I also said I didn't have any plans. This much is true as I don't have definite plans. He asked me where I see my self in the future. I said to him honestly what I would like but I couldn't see that happening with the way I am feeling now. I talked about the low mood. I also talked about the thought racing, everything going a million miles an hour and how it can last for a few days at a time. Then it goes back to being low. I quickly brushed over how I sometimes see things that aren't there or hear things that aren't there when I feel like this but he didn't really seem to hear me. What I mean is he didn't ask me to elaborate so I don't think that is a worry from him. After an hour he comes back to the same thing..."I'm not saying you have a PD but there are traits there and you would be best treated by PD services". It makes me feel so angry. He did not listen to a word I said.
I have had my meds changed again. Now being put on Duloxetine and he said if that didn't work then would try Reboxetine. I have looked in to both of them as I do and I hod no faith in the reboxetine so hoping that the Duloxetine will help. I asked him if I could combine the Duloxetine with the Mirtazapine and he said he felt it would be bad practice and went on about how he didn't know me and would be bad of him to do that. I felt like saying "you don't know me but you are making assumptions about me already though"! I just feel so angry about today and felt that it was such a waste of time. I still feel really low and depressed but now I also have the feelings of anger to contend with. So he is referring me on to the PD services as he feels I should have some kind of psychotherapy to address why I self harm. He said he found it odd that I didn't start self harming until I was 22. I do also.
I don't know what I wanted to come out of the appointment today. Maybe I am feeling angry as I didn't get what I wanted...i.e a different diagnosis. I work in mental health already and I know the stigma that comes attached to PD's. It's not a definite diagnosis of it but it's there that there are traits. It makes me angry as every one has traits but it's not in their medical notes etc.
He was incredibly patronising also. You could tell he was doing a textbook assessment..."thank you for sharing that, we appreciate it very much and we know it must be hard for you". Over and over and over and over again. I felt like saying "please just stop reading from your textbook"! I am not stupid. I am aware of what is going on and I don't want to be treated like that. I appreciate some people may give a little more info etc if they feel that what they are saying is being taken with some empathy. I am not one of those. Don't do it with me!
So, I don't know how long it will take for this psychotherapy thing to come through. I have said there is no way I am doing group based therapy. The reasons being are that I work in the city as a mental health worker and don't want to risk being in therapy with my own service users. Also the course I am doing could mean that I am likely to come in to contact with SU's through the studies and placements. But also, group therapy is not for me. I am very private. OK, I know I write a blog about it but I don't think anyone actually reads this and it's not as though you know who I am. But, there is no way I can sit in a group and discuss my self harming and feelings of suicidalness. I find it really hard to open up to people and I have issues around trust so a group thing would just not work for me. I told him this but I will have to wait and see what happens. I was also told by one of the nurses at the local hospital that I wouldn't be able to do psychotherapy until I had not self harmed in about 12 months as of the risk of it making things worse. Who knows what this therapy will be like then.
I have ideas about what could be factors affecting the way I do now. The thing is I have never told anyone about it. I worry about what people think of me too much so to tell them about something that happened when I was 13 is too big a risk I can't take. It's not like sexual abuse or anything like that but some stuff happened and I feel to tell anyone would affect the way people think of me now even though it was 13years ago. There are also other things that I just wont talk about. I know I am not doing myself any favours. But I can't.
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
It Needs To Stop!
So Sunday I self harmed again. Another hospital trip. They said I was being uncooperative and didn't understand why I locked myself in the toilet when I had said there was no way I could sit in crowded waiting room. So, that got me seen by crisis team. They were told that I had tried to hang myself in the toilet. No! I didn't. I didn't ligate or anything, that's not my style. They put me in a cubicle and I fell asleep as I had taken a lorazepam earlier and that set them off saying I had taken an OD. I hadn't. I took the loraz to try and help me, to knock me out before I could do anything and it only kicked in about 2 hours later when I was at the hospital.
So they were wanting to do bloods and stuff and I refused saying I wanted to get home and in to bed as the loraz was zombifying me and I knew that if I was subjected to bloods I would be in ages. I laughed when the crisis team showed up. I said do I look like someone who has tried to hang themselves. Do I have broken capillaries etc, and if I was suicidal do you think I would be doing it in the toilet in the A+E dept. I said to them that I don't know where they got the info that I had tried to do that as was not the case, I didn't need to see them and I was going to be making an appointment with the Psychiatrist as had had a letter through asking me to call and make appointment. I said I was sorry that they had been made to waste their time, and that the A+E dept staff were saying that so that I would be seen quicker by them as they wanted the bed.
Anyway, apart from being angry, low and wanting to self harm constantly, I have rung for an appointment with the Psychiatrist. Can't get one until the end of November. I have also spoke to the nurse who has been helping me quite a bit and he said he has spoke to these people at harmless and I should be able to get something sorted with them quite soon as they have appointments and he said that that will probably help me a lot more than seeing the Psychiatrist. He said he didn't think I was depressed. I don't know what consistent low mood for no reason is then. I also spoke to him about this appointment...not knowing how far away it would be at the time and basically said to him that I was worried as all the Psychiatrist would see is the previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and write me off from the start. I have argued and argued before that it is not that. I was telling him my reasoning about how I knew how it needed to be diagnosed and that you need to fit in certain amounts of criteria on the diagnostic scale and I said that I didn't fit as many as needed to be there. Ok, there were a couple but not all of them. I was saying that there were a few on each personality disorder thing that I recognised and I know for a fact I am not them. Most people will have traits that fit in on personality disorder scales. I was saying how I was annoyed that Psychiatrists just have to tick boxes and is all about diagnosis and pathologising you in categories. And he said he agreed with me and was all about choices that I make and I need to regain some control over why and when happens. I said I knew all this already and I needed help in doing so. He said that the psychiatrist wouldn't do that but this organisation would be able to help. So just hope can get seen by them soon.
I just hope it is soon as the self harming behaviour is getting out of hand now. I know I need the help and I am doing what I can to get it. I don't want it to get to the stage of where I am suicidal again as I can't cope with it anymore. It's so annoying!
I know if people do read these you will think that I am doing it for attention. But can I point out that this is not the case. I don't write about it on here so I can get attention from people. I don't even know if other people read this. But I use it as my sounding board to get things off my chest. I use it to pour my emotions out and remain anonymous. No one knows the extent of the self harm. Ok, so the hospital does and the nurse I speak to does. But no one in my family has any idea. My brother knows it is something I used to do. But that is it. No one even knows I am depressed or what ever it is as according to nurse man he doesn't think I am. I am managing to function at the moment and put a brave face on. I don't talk about my feelings with anyone. I did mention to one friend after the first time of cutting badly in ages that I had done so and that I was feeling depressed again and I was worried as I knew what happened before to me and I was recognising the start of the pattern. She doesn't know the full extent of what was happening 2 years ago. I don't talk to family and friends about it as they have their own problems going on and I am not going to wear them down with mine also. It is not fair on them. I am really worried though as I live with my parents and think that they may notice that things aren't right with me. I can't put a brave face on all the time. So what do I do, I hide out in my room. And that must be being noticed. Very few people know about the self harm in the past. I have a couple of friends who know it is something I used to do, but they don't know the extent. But that is it. Another reason for me keeping it so private is that there is still a big stigma attached to self harm and mental illness.
Although I don't class myself as mentally ill, there is still stigma that comes attached to it. Also, I am afraid if people do know then it will get out of hand. At the moment I feel as though I have some control over it. I can limit it to when no one is around or take myself off somewhere. But if people became aware it was something I did I think I would lose that being shy about it and lose control and not be bothered that there are other people in the house when I am doing it. It would become a more regular occurrence. I mean say for instance I was hospitalised...as I was told it was a direction I was heading in if things continue the way they are, then what have I got to stop me. My fear of people finding out would no longer be there as people would know. On that subject....the nurse said to me it could happen. My understanding of what he was saying was if I lost control over it more so and got back to where I was then could happen that I would be put on a Psych ward for assessment. Not sure if he was saying this to scare me or was a possibility. I have done quite a bit of work on the Psych wards in the hospitals around here and so know the staff and also a lot of patients. So there was this factor and the fact it would screw me up career wise. At the moment I am not suicidal and so this is bothering me immensely, but what if I lose that will to live, that will to have a career and become suicidal again. What happens then?
So they were wanting to do bloods and stuff and I refused saying I wanted to get home and in to bed as the loraz was zombifying me and I knew that if I was subjected to bloods I would be in ages. I laughed when the crisis team showed up. I said do I look like someone who has tried to hang themselves. Do I have broken capillaries etc, and if I was suicidal do you think I would be doing it in the toilet in the A+E dept. I said to them that I don't know where they got the info that I had tried to do that as was not the case, I didn't need to see them and I was going to be making an appointment with the Psychiatrist as had had a letter through asking me to call and make appointment. I said I was sorry that they had been made to waste their time, and that the A+E dept staff were saying that so that I would be seen quicker by them as they wanted the bed.
Anyway, apart from being angry, low and wanting to self harm constantly, I have rung for an appointment with the Psychiatrist. Can't get one until the end of November. I have also spoke to the nurse who has been helping me quite a bit and he said he has spoke to these people at harmless and I should be able to get something sorted with them quite soon as they have appointments and he said that that will probably help me a lot more than seeing the Psychiatrist. He said he didn't think I was depressed. I don't know what consistent low mood for no reason is then. I also spoke to him about this appointment...not knowing how far away it would be at the time and basically said to him that I was worried as all the Psychiatrist would see is the previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and write me off from the start. I have argued and argued before that it is not that. I was telling him my reasoning about how I knew how it needed to be diagnosed and that you need to fit in certain amounts of criteria on the diagnostic scale and I said that I didn't fit as many as needed to be there. Ok, there were a couple but not all of them. I was saying that there were a few on each personality disorder thing that I recognised and I know for a fact I am not them. Most people will have traits that fit in on personality disorder scales. I was saying how I was annoyed that Psychiatrists just have to tick boxes and is all about diagnosis and pathologising you in categories. And he said he agreed with me and was all about choices that I make and I need to regain some control over why and when happens. I said I knew all this already and I needed help in doing so. He said that the psychiatrist wouldn't do that but this organisation would be able to help. So just hope can get seen by them soon.
I just hope it is soon as the self harming behaviour is getting out of hand now. I know I need the help and I am doing what I can to get it. I don't want it to get to the stage of where I am suicidal again as I can't cope with it anymore. It's so annoying!
I know if people do read these you will think that I am doing it for attention. But can I point out that this is not the case. I don't write about it on here so I can get attention from people. I don't even know if other people read this. But I use it as my sounding board to get things off my chest. I use it to pour my emotions out and remain anonymous. No one knows the extent of the self harm. Ok, so the hospital does and the nurse I speak to does. But no one in my family has any idea. My brother knows it is something I used to do. But that is it. No one even knows I am depressed or what ever it is as according to nurse man he doesn't think I am. I am managing to function at the moment and put a brave face on. I don't talk about my feelings with anyone. I did mention to one friend after the first time of cutting badly in ages that I had done so and that I was feeling depressed again and I was worried as I knew what happened before to me and I was recognising the start of the pattern. She doesn't know the full extent of what was happening 2 years ago. I don't talk to family and friends about it as they have their own problems going on and I am not going to wear them down with mine also. It is not fair on them. I am really worried though as I live with my parents and think that they may notice that things aren't right with me. I can't put a brave face on all the time. So what do I do, I hide out in my room. And that must be being noticed. Very few people know about the self harm in the past. I have a couple of friends who know it is something I used to do, but they don't know the extent. But that is it. Another reason for me keeping it so private is that there is still a big stigma attached to self harm and mental illness.
Although I don't class myself as mentally ill, there is still stigma that comes attached to it. Also, I am afraid if people do know then it will get out of hand. At the moment I feel as though I have some control over it. I can limit it to when no one is around or take myself off somewhere. But if people became aware it was something I did I think I would lose that being shy about it and lose control and not be bothered that there are other people in the house when I am doing it. It would become a more regular occurrence. I mean say for instance I was hospitalised...as I was told it was a direction I was heading in if things continue the way they are, then what have I got to stop me. My fear of people finding out would no longer be there as people would know. On that subject....the nurse said to me it could happen. My understanding of what he was saying was if I lost control over it more so and got back to where I was then could happen that I would be put on a Psych ward for assessment. Not sure if he was saying this to scare me or was a possibility. I have done quite a bit of work on the Psych wards in the hospitals around here and so know the staff and also a lot of patients. So there was this factor and the fact it would screw me up career wise. At the moment I am not suicidal and so this is bothering me immensely, but what if I lose that will to live, that will to have a career and become suicidal again. What happens then?
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Will These Feelings Please Just Go Away!
Urghhh!
It's pretty much how I am feeling. Don't know why I feel like I am doing at the moment. It's wearing me down so much. I am trying to concentrate on uni stuff but it's hard when at the back of my mind all there is is thinking about how much I want to cut and how bad I am feeling.
I have had a letter from the place that the GP referred me to and I have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I honestly don't feel that there is much point as in their eyes they have diagnosed me and I feel that I am going to go in there where they will have this pre negative misconception about me, that there is nothing they can do as not clinical and is psychological. I don't think that there is much point. I will go in there for an hour where I will be assessed by the Psychiatrist, they will ask me lots of questions about my family and my childhood as apparently that has everything to do with it. It's all very Freudian. I am feeling very negative about it. I will be referred on to a group more than likely that I wont go to in case of seeing service users I know already. I have told this to the nurse who I have spoke to a few times at the psychological medicine department. Also, the place I will more than likely have to go is at the hospital where I do quite a bit of work already. So I run the risk of being seen by someone I know from there.
I don't believe in the diagnosis that they have given so far. I am not sure if I have said but they believe it to be Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. In other words, borderline PD. I have worked with a lot of people with this diagnosis and from my own experience dealing with these people I don't believe it is this. Ok, so there are some traits but not the 5 on the scale that there needs to be to give a diagnosis. I feel that the Psychs give this diagnosis when they can't see what it is and are at a last end when someone presents as depressed and who self harms.
I will tell them all this when I go in. I will let them know my feelings. I know I have poor coping strategies and I need to work on those. I don't know what I can do to do that or what is available. But I know that I disagree. I was hoping that I would just be referred for some counselling and that would be it. I suppose I should think of it in a positive way that I will be assessed again by a Psychiatrist. But I know what it is like from working in the field about how they treat people.
What is my main thing at the moment is I don't know why I am feeling like I do. I suppose there have been signs there for a while about how I am feeling. When I was with my ex, he used to be able to realise that I was getting depressed again before me. I don't have that anymore so maybe it has been going on for a while and I have just not noticed it. I don't know why I self harm, I just know the relief that comes from doing it. I have said in previous posts about that.
Not to dwell anyway as wont make me feel better.
I know that I will say to the Psychiatrist is that while no one knows about the depression and self harm I am able to have some element of control over it. Like, I can manage not to do it too badly when there are other people in the house. I think if people knew then there would be nothing holding me back. So that is my reason for keeping it so private. I am not even sure if my parents know I am depressed. They don't know I have suffered in the past. I am trying hard to hide it now though. When I am spending quite a bit of time in the house it is in my room and I think they have noticed that. I am trying to throw myself in to uni so I have focus somewhere else. But what happens the next time I am on my own, the next time I do have the opportunity to really have a good go at it. Will it be worse as I haven't done it properly in a while. I am even planning on when I can do it properly again. I'd like to think I am not suicidal. I don't think I am. But the thoughts do creep in every now and then. It's lyrics from music that I relate to and over think about... the ones at the moment being from the Killers - Why do I keep counting - "Will I live to have some children", from Robbie Williams Feel "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either" and from the song Mad World "I find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". So I can relate to these. Does this mean I want it? Urgh! Go away nasty feelings!
It's pretty much how I am feeling. Don't know why I feel like I am doing at the moment. It's wearing me down so much. I am trying to concentrate on uni stuff but it's hard when at the back of my mind all there is is thinking about how much I want to cut and how bad I am feeling.
I have had a letter from the place that the GP referred me to and I have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I honestly don't feel that there is much point as in their eyes they have diagnosed me and I feel that I am going to go in there where they will have this pre negative misconception about me, that there is nothing they can do as not clinical and is psychological. I don't think that there is much point. I will go in there for an hour where I will be assessed by the Psychiatrist, they will ask me lots of questions about my family and my childhood as apparently that has everything to do with it. It's all very Freudian. I am feeling very negative about it. I will be referred on to a group more than likely that I wont go to in case of seeing service users I know already. I have told this to the nurse who I have spoke to a few times at the psychological medicine department. Also, the place I will more than likely have to go is at the hospital where I do quite a bit of work already. So I run the risk of being seen by someone I know from there.
I don't believe in the diagnosis that they have given so far. I am not sure if I have said but they believe it to be Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. In other words, borderline PD. I have worked with a lot of people with this diagnosis and from my own experience dealing with these people I don't believe it is this. Ok, so there are some traits but not the 5 on the scale that there needs to be to give a diagnosis. I feel that the Psychs give this diagnosis when they can't see what it is and are at a last end when someone presents as depressed and who self harms.
I will tell them all this when I go in. I will let them know my feelings. I know I have poor coping strategies and I need to work on those. I don't know what I can do to do that or what is available. But I know that I disagree. I was hoping that I would just be referred for some counselling and that would be it. I suppose I should think of it in a positive way that I will be assessed again by a Psychiatrist. But I know what it is like from working in the field about how they treat people.
What is my main thing at the moment is I don't know why I am feeling like I do. I suppose there have been signs there for a while about how I am feeling. When I was with my ex, he used to be able to realise that I was getting depressed again before me. I don't have that anymore so maybe it has been going on for a while and I have just not noticed it. I don't know why I self harm, I just know the relief that comes from doing it. I have said in previous posts about that.
Not to dwell anyway as wont make me feel better.
I know that I will say to the Psychiatrist is that while no one knows about the depression and self harm I am able to have some element of control over it. Like, I can manage not to do it too badly when there are other people in the house. I think if people knew then there would be nothing holding me back. So that is my reason for keeping it so private. I am not even sure if my parents know I am depressed. They don't know I have suffered in the past. I am trying hard to hide it now though. When I am spending quite a bit of time in the house it is in my room and I think they have noticed that. I am trying to throw myself in to uni so I have focus somewhere else. But what happens the next time I am on my own, the next time I do have the opportunity to really have a good go at it. Will it be worse as I haven't done it properly in a while. I am even planning on when I can do it properly again. I'd like to think I am not suicidal. I don't think I am. But the thoughts do creep in every now and then. It's lyrics from music that I relate to and over think about... the ones at the moment being from the Killers - Why do I keep counting - "Will I live to have some children", from Robbie Williams Feel "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either" and from the song Mad World "I find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". So I can relate to these. Does this mean I want it? Urgh! Go away nasty feelings!
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