Today's Appointments.

I had CPN and Psychologist today. Both were mainly talking about DBT.

So CPN first. She came round to mine this morning and we talked well, mainly about the DBT. She said I have other things I need to focus on in my life other than going back to uni. That there are other things going on and other things that can improve and make me happy. She also said it's unlikely I will be going back to uni unless things drastically change in the next few months and really the only way of doing that is through DBT. She said I could continue to see the psychologist and do some DBT work with him but then I would only be getting a quarter of the input and so the DBT would be much more beneficial. I get where she is coming from. But I am still not sure whether or not the DBT would be beneficial to me.

I braved the whole pregnancy thing with her. I asked her if coming off all my medication could have any impact on my cycle and proceeded to tell her how I have not had a period since the beginning of March. She asked if I had slept with anyone. And I said I didn't think so and told her how just before Christmas I was getting so pissed that there were big gaps in the night and I can't remember getting home. While it wasn't something I was likely to do, there was a little bit of me that was unsure. We talked a bit about it and she said it was really important that I did the test as if I was it could be likely I would need a termination because of the medication I was on while it was happening and that that would need to be sorted asap. She also said she was going to need to talk to Dr T about it as if I was having unprotected sex then there could be an issue with medication and also they wouldn't want to start me on this new medication until they knew for sure I wasn't pregnant. I told her it was not something I do and is out of character for me. But, it has happened before back when I was travelling and I had a high period. She said it was unlikely that I was as when I was in hospital it would have been likely they would have ran a pregnancy test because of how ill I was. She said they ran loads of tests so it was probably likely they would have done that also.

Anyway, she asked me to do the test today before I went to see the Psychologist so that I would have some support if I needed it. And to let him know what the results of it were so she could get the message. Yeah right. Like I am going to talk to him about that. It's bad enough that now it's going to be in my notes that I get so pissed that I don't even know if I sleep around and have one night stands.

So I did the test. Was a very nerve wracking few minutes. But the good news is I am not pregnant. It was negative. Yay. But now I am just confused. Why haven't I had a period. My symptoms of PCOS are bleeding too regularly. Not, not at all. Confusion.

So on to the Psychologist. It was a good session and we discussed quite a bit. Well I say discussed, he did a lot of the talking. I showed him what I had written a couple of years ago about the approach I want to take to my illness and whether I should be taking a medical or behaviour approach. I talked about how I would prefer to take a medical approach, give me a pill and it will go away. It takes the blame, ownership away from me. I did explain how I wrote that 2 years ago when my way of looking at things was a bit different. He said it was really good what I had done and was quite interesting.

He said I had an external locus of control in which I prefer to think that outside influences have the biggest impact on me and not what I do does. I suppose from this aspect I do. With wanting to take the medical approach. But I don't think I do in other things. There are quizzes out there so I will look in to that in more detail and post another blog with the details.

I told him about the noise coming from downstairs and how I had mentioned it to my agent and he had contacted the agent who runs it. Basically the agent who runs it has said no one lives there at the moment and is more than likely renovation works. What a load of crap. Not at 2am when there are numerous voices, loud and shouting, loud music and laughing. Not sounding like renovation to me. The psychologist asked if it could be an hallucination. I mean I am already getting them, what's one more? But this is different. It's more real. I am going to keep a log of it and if there is any more late night goings on I am going to record it on my phone and make someone else listen to it so I know for sure.

I asked him if I would be able to continue to see him should I decide to go ahead with the DBT. He said he would need to speak to the rest of the team about it as it will be a very different way of working for both of us and he is not sure if we would be able to as would be too much of a change of pace to how he is used to working with me. So that's probably a no.

Also, he said he has booked me in for the assessment. He had done that before our appointment. He must have known he was breaking me. Lol. So he gave me a questionnaire and a list of the questions they ask to take away to fill in and think about. But that is a whole other blog in itself.

I told him how the only reason I hadn't self harmed was because of a fear of having to go to the hospital as what happened was such a horrendous experience that it has made me fearful of the place. I told him about my irrational fear of having things or people near my face and how I am getting nightmares about what happened. He said I had done really well going to the dentist yesterday and is usually something I wouldn't face up to.

That's about it really.

A couple more posts lined up but my dinner is about roasted so I will leave it there for now.