Not that I've had any contact with him but I was just wondering. I really want him back in my life. But just as a friend.
Last night I was bawling my eyes out. Quite publicly. 2 things I never do. I don't do crying unless it's at a sad book, film or even tv adverts. But yesterday I couldn't stop. I'm in a shared 3 bed dorm and I was just lying on my bed sobbing not caring who heard who who subsequently saw once my room mate went and fetched someone. And the thing that kept coming into my mind was how much I wanted to see Gom. Not for any romance or relationship but for his being a friend. His practical advice.
I've thought about him so much the last few weeks. Maybe it's because I'm in contact with his sister and getting close to her again. I'm even going to be seeing his mum soon. Which I'm nervous and excited about. I suppose when someone is in your life you care about for 9 years there's bound to be some residual feelings. But I don't think mine are any longer jealousy, hate, you know the usual feelings that come after a break up. I don't think they're there any more. When I was told his fiance had broken it off with him I genuinely felt bad for him.
I don't know why I'm putting so much thought into it. I don't even know if he'd feel the same way. I have an idea of how I'd make contact with him if I did decide to make contact. We're on the same dating site and he makes some truly awful jokes which would be a bit of a turn off. So I'd email him and joke with him about it and how if he wants a girlfriend he should change it and come off plenty of weirdos and not be so cheap and pay for match. And then joke about it being full of weirdos on that site and say look, I'm the living proof!
So that's that. Weird what's going through my head at the moment considering I'm on a psych ward.
I really want to go home. I hate this place. So I've spoken to nursey and asked her to call the doc so I can speak to him today about it. She said it's unlikely but maybe worth a shot. I said if it came down to him wanting to put me on a 5.2 I'd stay informal. Not because I don't think I'd pass a mental health act assessment, well actually if I was totally honest I probably wouldn't. But I've still got it in me to remain rational and say the right things that they want to hear. The assessment doesn't botheR me. What does is it wouldn't be until tomorrow when my consultant and gp could make it and I wouldn't be allowed off the ward at all until then. At least at the moment, although I'm only allowed off 3 times a day, which when you smoke is a killer. At least I've got those 3 times.
Also speaking to nursey she said they had their concerns about my being on this ward as they all knew whenever I've been on this ward it's never gone well for me. Think they're worried I'm going to go all psycho on them, self harm and kick off. Which is basically what has happened each time I've been on this ward. So yeah, I can see why they'd have their concerns as I've not exactly made life easy for them in the past. I think I was involved in a 4 hour restraint once. I can also remember one time being restrained until I fell asleep from the meds they'd jabbed me with.
I've spoke quite a bit about my time here before with my Psychologist. It was before I knew him and he's said that he wouldn't have known I could be like that as since he's known me I've only been jabbed and restrained a couple of times. And not for any period of time. But hopefully if I'm still here by the next time I see him, which I think will possibly be Thursday as he's at this hospital on a Thursday he can also fight my corneR for me.
Hopefully, but very unlikely though the doc I'm going to see tonight will let me go. If not hopefully he will write me up for some haloperidol. All I'm written up for at the moment is 1mg of lorazepam. Useless. So I've not even bothered with it. All the staff who know me know that 5 and 2 is what works best for me. So 1mg on it's own is pretty pointless?
My favourite nurse is on again tonight. He's so sweet. So may have a chat with him tonight when he's here.
Some people surprise you who'd make a good nurse as your first impression of him is probably that he's a wishy washy quiet bloke. But he knows what he's on with and he's easy to talk to.
On another note, I'm back to being able to control. I say yay. But if I were to talk to someone else who was doing it I'd see it as a bad mental health sign. Oh well. It makes me feel good though. Managed 2 days of nothing at all. And all the while I was on medical wards was only having a few mouths full. I've never actually talked to anyone about this before so no one knows that what I'm doing is a way of self harm when I can't physically do it. I'm really funny about talking to anyone about food anyway.
Maybe it has been noted before thinking about it though. When I was on PICU and was about to be moved to acute with my key nurses we did a signs to look for in her to tell she's not well. Basically I won't always talk about it so we used to work on signs. And one that my key worker brought uP was that when things are bad for me I have very little in the way of diet. So she'd noticed. No one has ever said anything to me since. The only thing I had before was when I was 1st detained back in August 2011 I stopped eating then. They noticed and turned round to me and said if I didn't eat I couldn't smoke. So I just used to flush a sandwich down the loo.
So that's it really. Just waiting on doc to come see me. Unlikely he'll let me go but at least I'll hopefully get some decent PRN that works and hopefully some decent pain relief.
I'll keep you updated.
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