Struggling

So I get summoned by my CPN today to go see her across town. She can't come to me as she is on duty and she is off until the week after next so it needs to be today. I already have an appointment booked with my TSW but the CPN calls to cancel it. She tells me if I don't go and see her I will have to see someone else who doesn't know me and they aren't happy with that as they know I am not good with new people. So I was lying in bed. Ok it was 12pm when she called. I had been up since really early but it was the only place I am comfortable as I have awful neck/shoulder pain at the moment and lying flat on my back is the only way which seems to help. And I couldn't be bothered with the TV or music or anything and I just wanted to stay nice and snug and warm under my duvet, feeling sorry for myself. So she cancels the TSW appointment. I am kind of miffed as I could have done with seeing her as I have had a letter from housing benefit I am a bit confused about and could have done with going over it with her and finding out what is going on. Now I can't see her until next Thursday.

So I get up, painfully shower, wash my hair, get dressed, apply make-up and dry hair. If my TSW had have been coming all I would have done would have been brush teeth and stick some jogging bottoms on. Not had to faff around getting a top over my head or washing my hair. Then I traipse across town. All for 20 bloody minutes. We could have discussed what was needed to be discussed over the phone.

What we have agreed is that I am going to have more input from services for a while. The crisis team are going to come see me a couple of times a week, I have my CPN who I will see again in a couple of weeks when she is back off leave, I see my OT next week and I am waiting for my psychiatrist to get in contact with me so I can see him asap to discuss medication as they decided Depakote, Quetiapine and Lofepramine are too risky for me to be taking in case of OD, so currently I am not on anything. Lamotrigine has been discussed as the next drug of choice.

 At first I was really against it. I think I must have got mixed up with that and something else as I thought the Lamotrigine was notorious for weight gain. I thought I had seen patients on it before gain loads of weight but it must have been something else. I did a bit of research last night and read peoples opinions on it and most people have said they have been OK on it. And also the professional point of view is that it is a weight neutral drug so shouldn't cause weight gain. Some people have said they have noticed a loss since they have started on it. Weighing up that and the Quetiapine it seems as though the Quetiapine is more likely to cause weight gain than anything.

I am still not happy at changing. I was happy, well happyish with the Depakote as I thought it did have some impact in stabilising my moods. But the Lamotrigine is also a mood stabiliser so I may be ok with that. I don't think there are as many risks being of child bearing age either with it. I know they weren't really that happy with me having the Depakote and being of child bearing age as of the risks to the foetus, like it having no brain or other complications. That by the time you find out you are pregnant, it's too late and termination is the only option. Not something I want to go through. Not that I am sexually active or have a relationship or plan to be sexually active any time soon. I just have no desire to be sexually active at the moment. I have no drive in me at all. Maybe that's the drugs, or was considering I am not on anything at the moment.

I would be happier staying with what I know, the Depakote, lofepramine and Quetiapine. But if recent events have been anything to go by, I suppose they are not working enough for me. So maybe they have a point. Of course I don't have to take anything. But I am not happy not having anything and do feel I need the mood stabiliser. Not so sure if the anti depressant actually did anything. The Quetiapine works for me as well. But not sure they want to prescribe me anything that is so harmful in OD. They kind of have a point I suppose.

So yeah, waiting for appointment with the Psychiatrist, hopefully it will be next week or the week after. And I was supposed to have my psychologist come visit me on the ward tomorrow. But being as though I am not on the ward I am hoping he will call me and offer me an appointment to go see him tomorrow there. But there is not always a room available. Especially at short notice. He is off at the moment so he won't know until tomorrow morning I am not in hospital. Hopefully he will call me tomorrow and suggest I meet him at his base. I have not actually spoke to anyone properly about what actually happened the other week and how I feel about anything. I have been asked about it but I have not really felt comfortable discussing it with anyone. So could do with a bit of a debrief with him. Also, I've not seen him in about a month as I was in ITU when we were supposed to have our appointment so I missed it.

I am struggling quite a bit at the moment. I told my CPN this today. I saw her when she came to assess me on the medical ward and denied suicidal thoughts as I thought that would just lead to a mental health act assessment. But, today I told her it was something that was there and there were also self-harm urges. I am tired. I am miserable. I have no energy. I have no motivation. Basically I feel shit. All I want to do is be in bed and sleep. Sleep my time away. But I can't even sleep properly. So I just lie there. Before, at least I wanted to watch TV. But I don't even want to do that now. I don't know what I want.

My friend came over for a bit. That was nice. She did have some impact in distracting me. Was nice to get the gossip, and gossip and bitch. If they come here it's nice to see them. But I don't want to leave my flat or make an effort to go anywhere at the moment.

I just want to sleep!