If I Want Something It Has To Be NOW!

I am in one of those moods where I think about something and I think I want it and it has to be now!

Today's example is a new mobile phone. Luckily the two websites I went to are not working properly so I couldn't affect my credit even further by applying for credit to get one. My contact hasn't expired yet, I've still got a month or so to go on it.

This is quite typical of me though. I get something in my head and I can't wait. It has to be now. I am quite impulsive also when it comes to things and I can act quite quickly without putting much thought in to it. The past year or so I have managed to control it. But I can see little snippets of it coming back.

I need to be really careful as it is this which has got me into trouble with my finances. The reckless, impulsive spending.

When it starts I can't control it. I am hoping I have nipped it in the bud. I managed to, well actually I didn't manage anything. After the 2nd website wasn't working I got bored. Maybe it's fate. Achhh, I don't believe in fate. Or maybe I am just saying that in response to what the psychologist was saying on Thursday. He thinks I have an external locus of control but I am not to sure. I did a few quizzes and some said I had an internal, some external. So I don't know.

I don't like being reckless and impulsive. If I am going that way again it could be bad. If I stay low I am more likely to self harm and maybe even worse. But on the other hand I could be going high and so it could be a sign of better things to come. Yes, there are negative sides to being high, but I feel so much better. I have more energy, I get things done, I see people, I am sociable, I am fun to be around (well I think so anyway). But of course, it has got me in to trouble before. There are negative sides. I don't sleep, I want to because I get bored easily and a way of escaping boredom is by sleeping. My concentration suffers and I can't follow one thing easily. I get impulsive and spend lots of money which can leave me in debt, I drink more and this in itself can lead to problems, a couple of years ago while I was higher I was drunk and fell over while running in heels breaking my ankle. I have had one night stands, at least one was unprotected. I put myself in dangerous situations like arguing with a Vietnamese taxi driver/motorbike rider about where they had dropped me off in the middle of no where with no one around and over charging me and then refusing to pay them. I feel invincible.

I feel better. But the results of my actions could land me in serious trouble.

Why can't I just be normal. Why do I have to worry if I am going to stay low and depressed and not want to do anything, why do I have to struggle with urges to kill or harm myself, why do I have to worry in case I am going higher and what trouble I will get in to if I do? Why can't I just have normal moods instead of most of the time battling this darkness that engulfs me? It would be better if they were reactive, at least then I could have further understanding of it. But it's not reactive.

I just don't understand it.

Questions for DBT Criteria.

So, dinner finished and there is nothing on the TV I thought I would give this a shot.

First off he has given me a questionnaire. It's one of those with a statement and you have to answer true or false. Very black and white. This annoys me in a way. They say people with a diagnosis of BPD have a very black and white way of thinking. Yet this questionnaire which is determining whether or not someone has a PD only gives you the option of black and white answers.

I have answered it as truthfully as I can, but some of the questions get to me a little bit. For example;

"People think I am cold and detached".

I had to get some feedback from my friends on this. They said not. But sometimes I can become a bit detached if someone is giving me tough love and I don't like what I am hearing. But I am certainly not cold. I don't think I am cold and detached. But, I appreciate because I don't show my emotions (another of the questions) I may come across as cold and detached.

I had an appraisal once when I worked on the forensic PD unit. My line manager said it can come across as though I don't care. I said this was far from the truth. What it was is I didn't let me emotions and stress show as when in stressful situations I didn't think it was beneficial for anyone for me to be flapping with stress. There was one nurse in particular who used to get stressed out and flap and it was no good for anyone. The team would break down and also if patients picked up on the stress then this could affect the way in which they were.

I don't think I get any benefit from showing my negative emotions. What's the point. If someone has upset me or made me angry (I'll get on to this in a minute) I usually let it go and forget about it. I will do anything to avoid confronting people. I know this is not good, but it's what and who I am.

So, on to the more detailed answers in which they'll be asking me.

Emotional Dysregulation.

When was the last time you lost your temper? What did you do?

The last time I lost it was over that incident in the car park a few months ago. I don't tend to lose my temper very often. Yes, I get angry sometimes, but I try not to let it show. When I get angry I cry, and being as I don't like crying in front of other people I try not to get angry. I try not to let other people bother me. I suppose maybe I internalise it somehow and maybe this is one of the reasons for self-harm. It's not bad to get angry, anger is a normal emotion. But, I don't tend to get angry that often.

When was the last time you got into a fight/argument?

I'm not too sure. There was the car park incident where I did want to rip the woman out of her car as she made me angry. But other than that, none stand out to me that I can remember. And as for fighting, I don't think I have since I was about 11. And that was only because I was being bullied and nothing was being done so I was told to stand up for myself. So the lad who was doing the bullying got a couple of punches and we had a few fights. But saying that, with my ex I did used to hit him and throw things at him as he made me so angry at times. No one other than my Dad and my ex can make me feel like that so that I lose it. Oh, there was the incident with Fingers I suppose. But I was provoked, and that was proven.

My tolerance for people can lower when I am not doing so well. I know when I was on PICU I had a few issues with people. One guy I had a massive go at as he kept spitting on the carpet inside...yuck! There was also an issue with one guy who just seemed to have it in for me. He would say stupid, irrelevant, abusive things to me for no reason and so I used to get into arguments with him.

Affective Lability.

Do you get easily annoyed or irritated?

Not generally, but if I am tired or stressed or am not doing too well then I can do. Like at the moment I am not in a great place and downstairs are really getting to me with the noise and door slamming.

How do you respond to criticism?

I suppose it depends how personal it is or if I know I deserve it. If I deserve it, it doesn't get to me that much. But if it's unwarranted then it can make me feel hard done by. I try to take it on board so that next time I won't receive criticism.

How long does it take you to calm down when you feel annoyed or angry?

It depends really. If I can vent at someone it's quite quick. If I don't have anyone around then I tend to mull over it until I can vent and it takes a bit longer.

Are you a moody person? If so why would you describe yourself like that?

I don't think so. Yes, my moods change and the changes can be quite drastic i.e. from quite low to being high or anxious. But these usually last a few days at a time. My moods don't rapidly fluctuate.

Interpersonal Dysregulation.

Do you develop very strong opinions about people very quickly?

Not sure on this. I would say that generally my first impressions of someone are pretty accurate and I can tell whether or not I am going to like someone and then they give me a good reason to like or not like them. If that constitutes developing strong opinions about someone very quickly then ok, I suppose I do.

Then there's a few stupid questions that are asked which are just simple nos.

Behavioural Dysregulation.

Do you ever feel that your behaviour has caused you difficulties or have you ever been told your behaviour is a problem?

Well, I suppose the self-harming behaviour is a problem and yes I have been told that this is a problem. I also am quite avoidant and will do anything to avoid confrontation. I suppose this could be a problem.

Cognitive Dysregulation.

Another load of questions that are a straight forward no. Except from...

Do you think that others will use what you tell them against you?

Kind of. I don't want my family and friends to know details about my mental health problems in case this changes the way in which they behave towards me. My Mum has done this in the past and has become verbally hostile towards me over what she knows my troubles have been. This question is in the middle of a few questions that are looking at paranoia, but I don't think it's paranoid thinking I am showing here. Not on this anyway. I know I do get quite bad paranoia over things. But none of the questions get at that. My paranoia is that I am being watched, that there are cameras in my flat watching me and that when I see a police car or ambulance that they are coming for me to get me because of the things that have been witnessed by the cameras.

Dissociative responses, flashbacks, sense of unreality etc.

Again, a few straight forward nos here. Again the questions don't really apply to me. That's not to say I have never dissociated, I think sometimes when I cut I do. It used to be that hours would go by while I had been cutting and I hadn't been there. But that has changed now. It seems as though what I get from the cutting has changed.

How do you cope when experiencing extreme distress?

The self harming urges and suicidal urges increase. I may self harm more regularly and even make attempts at my life. I either don't sleep very much, or sleep too much. When I am under immense stress I usually sleep too much. I know when I was at uni and had assignments due in that were really tough I would sleep around 12 hours a night. At the moment I am getting by on about 4-5. I got to bed at about 3ish and wake around 7.30ish. I don't know what's going on at the moment with my sleep. I don't seem to be getting that tired or needing the sleep. Maybe it's a bit of mania as my thoughts are racing as well. But I still feel really low, full of both type of urges. But at least I am too scared to act on them.

There were loads more questions on the thing but they are straight forward no answers.

I must say I am a bit worried about the assessment. The psychologist keeps saying how remarkable my last one was in January 2012 as I came across as nothing at all and having no personality. A mist is how he referred to it today. Also, it could just be a huge waste of both of their time. It's two people doing it, him and a nurse I kind of know. I really like the nurse as well. I think I may be at a bit of a disadvantage in a way with my psychologist doing the assessment. I have a feeling I will answer and he will contradict me or say what I am saying isn't right. I have been seeing him now since January 2012 and he knows me really well. What I mean is I may have my own opinion on how I am but he may have observed differently and that is going to be hard. Does that make sense.

Also, we talked about the practicalities of it again. I don't know what's going to happen come September whether or not I will have Wednesday mornings off uni and if I don't I won't be able to continue the course. He said to me today that he had also been thinking about it and he doesn't think I will get much benefit from only doing it a couple of months. He's got a point. I am not too sure either.

To be honest, I am not sure if I am going to do it. I don't really see the point. Not for such a short period of time. I am not going to know until July time when I am in uni. This DBT course starts in May. So do I start it and then stop and not have any benefit from it, would it be a waste of time? But then my CPN basically said today unless I do it I probably won't be going back to uni anyway as it's a proven treatment for people with BPD and PD traits and it could turn my life around. She said things are unlikely to change without it.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's Appointments.

I had CPN and Psychologist today. Both were mainly talking about DBT.

So CPN first. She came round to mine this morning and we talked well, mainly about the DBT. She said I have other things I need to focus on in my life other than going back to uni. That there are other things going on and other things that can improve and make me happy. She also said it's unlikely I will be going back to uni unless things drastically change in the next few months and really the only way of doing that is through DBT. She said I could continue to see the psychologist and do some DBT work with him but then I would only be getting a quarter of the input and so the DBT would be much more beneficial. I get where she is coming from. But I am still not sure whether or not the DBT would be beneficial to me.

I braved the whole pregnancy thing with her. I asked her if coming off all my medication could have any impact on my cycle and proceeded to tell her how I have not had a period since the beginning of March. She asked if I had slept with anyone. And I said I didn't think so and told her how just before Christmas I was getting so pissed that there were big gaps in the night and I can't remember getting home. While it wasn't something I was likely to do, there was a little bit of me that was unsure. We talked a bit about it and she said it was really important that I did the test as if I was it could be likely I would need a termination because of the medication I was on while it was happening and that that would need to be sorted asap. She also said she was going to need to talk to Dr T about it as if I was having unprotected sex then there could be an issue with medication and also they wouldn't want to start me on this new medication until they knew for sure I wasn't pregnant. I told her it was not something I do and is out of character for me. But, it has happened before back when I was travelling and I had a high period. She said it was unlikely that I was as when I was in hospital it would have been likely they would have ran a pregnancy test because of how ill I was. She said they ran loads of tests so it was probably likely they would have done that also.

Anyway, she asked me to do the test today before I went to see the Psychologist so that I would have some support if I needed it. And to let him know what the results of it were so she could get the message. Yeah right. Like I am going to talk to him about that. It's bad enough that now it's going to be in my notes that I get so pissed that I don't even know if I sleep around and have one night stands.

So I did the test. Was a very nerve wracking few minutes. But the good news is I am not pregnant. It was negative. Yay. But now I am just confused. Why haven't I had a period. My symptoms of PCOS are bleeding too regularly. Not, not at all. Confusion.

So on to the Psychologist. It was a good session and we discussed quite a bit. Well I say discussed, he did a lot of the talking. I showed him what I had written a couple of years ago about the approach I want to take to my illness and whether I should be taking a medical or behaviour approach. I talked about how I would prefer to take a medical approach, give me a pill and it will go away. It takes the blame, ownership away from me. I did explain how I wrote that 2 years ago when my way of looking at things was a bit different. He said it was really good what I had done and was quite interesting.

He said I had an external locus of control in which I prefer to think that outside influences have the biggest impact on me and not what I do does. I suppose from this aspect I do. With wanting to take the medical approach. But I don't think I do in other things. There are quizzes out there so I will look in to that in more detail and post another blog with the details.

I told him about the noise coming from downstairs and how I had mentioned it to my agent and he had contacted the agent who runs it. Basically the agent who runs it has said no one lives there at the moment and is more than likely renovation works. What a load of crap. Not at 2am when there are numerous voices, loud and shouting, loud music and laughing. Not sounding like renovation to me. The psychologist asked if it could be an hallucination. I mean I am already getting them, what's one more? But this is different. It's more real. I am going to keep a log of it and if there is any more late night goings on I am going to record it on my phone and make someone else listen to it so I know for sure.

I asked him if I would be able to continue to see him should I decide to go ahead with the DBT. He said he would need to speak to the rest of the team about it as it will be a very different way of working for both of us and he is not sure if we would be able to as would be too much of a change of pace to how he is used to working with me. So that's probably a no.

Also, he said he has booked me in for the assessment. He had done that before our appointment. He must have known he was breaking me. Lol. So he gave me a questionnaire and a list of the questions they ask to take away to fill in and think about. But that is a whole other blog in itself.

I told him how the only reason I hadn't self harmed was because of a fear of having to go to the hospital as what happened was such a horrendous experience that it has made me fearful of the place. I told him about my irrational fear of having things or people near my face and how I am getting nightmares about what happened. He said I had done really well going to the dentist yesterday and is usually something I wouldn't face up to.

That's about it really.

A couple more posts lined up but my dinner is about roasted so I will leave it there for now.

Full On Day Ahead.

So today I have my CPN coming round and then a Psychology session. Full on.

I still haven't done the pregnancy test. It's sitting on my coffee table staring at me. Part of me thinks I am being stupid it's got to be negative. If I was pregnant I would be about four and a half to five months a long. Surly I would have had some symptoms, I would maybe be starting to show, I would be able to feel something by now and I probably wouldn't have had any periods up until March. Also, I was on the pill. I am not always great with taking it, but I am most the time. So there is next to no chance I am.

Then, it is that only next to no chance that terrifies me. There were nights before Christmas where I was so pissed I can't remember parts of the night or getting home. I was seen kissing blokes in clubs and bars. What if I did go home with someone, or went in to the toilets with someone. It's really not something I would do. But what if I did?

I haven't got the nerve to take the test. I am doing my usual avoiding. I feel that if I would rather not know than have a positive result.

I don't feel I can talk to my psychologist about this. It's probably the only time where him being male has been a problem. I can't talk to a bloke about my menstrual cycle and how I am not sure if I had sex with someone while so pissed I can't remember. So that leaves my CPN. Can I talk to her. Can I rely on her support and for her not to be negative and bring me down even further? I don't know. And then what I say to her will end up in my notes which the psychologist will read anyway. So I am not sure what to do.

So what I need to discuss today with the psychologist. I think it's mainly going to be DBT. I need more information on it. I want to know IF I do it if he will be able to be the person I see for the individual sessions. I have a relationship with him and that took me quite a while to get. So I don't want to lose that really. Especially if I can only do the course for 4 months until I start back with university. It will take me that long to get a relationship with someone new. So it would be a bit pointless.

I am also going to discuss with him that the only reason I haven't self harmed is because of some now weird phobia of going to the hospital. Also how I have been having nightmares about my time in there, especially while on the ITU and I was having masks held over my face and not being able to breathe. I felt as though I was being suffocated and very claustrophobic. It comes from this irrational fear of having people near my face. I am terrified of it. It makes going to the dentist very difficult and ensures panic attacks. I don't know why but there is this irrational fear that someone near my face like that is going to smother me and kill me. So having a mask held over my face and experiencing not being able to breathe just reinforced it. Now I know they weren't trying to kill me, quite the opposite but, that experience of not being able to breathe while someone held something over my face has just reinforced that phobia. Ridiculous I know.

My neighbours are still at it. Being very noisy that is. It stopped me sleeping last night as they were shouting and banging around. Their flat doesn't even go below my bedroom. It was coming in through the lounge and even with the connecting door closed it was still so loud it was keeping me awake. It's ridiculous.

Oh well. Onwards and hopefully upwards.

Appointment With Dr T (The Psychiatrist).

I didn't have any fight in me. So I have now been put on to Lamotrigine. Can't say I am happy but I would rather give it a go and have a chance of working to get that extra help than have nothing at all.

As I expected he didn't listen to me, it was if my opinions didn't matter. Typical him really.

He kept telling me I am depressed as I have nothing to be happy about. Well I have nothing to be depressed over either so what's that about? Quite an annoying statement really.

He said he will see me more regularly as he hasn't seen me in a long time and while I am starting a new medication he wants to monitor it. So I have more appointments which in my mind are a waste of time to look forward to. I suppose having a CPN/CCO has been of some benefit to me.

I told him about the hallucinations and how much they bothered me and I told him I wanted them to stop but he was no use at all. No advice he basically just skirted around it and ignored what I was saying. I really don't know why I bother.

As usual the appointment has just left me feel pissed off.

And I am stuck with him. I am waiting to be moved teams as the team I am under is an assessment team who are only supposed to work with you for up to a year. I have been with them two and a half years now. I am waiting for a new CPN in the recovery team, but being as though he is also the consultant psychiatrist in the recovery team, I will still be under him. Grrrrr.

Also, he said at the moment the team would not be recommending I can start back to uni. As I expected really. So not feeling too bothered about that. If I was them I wouldn't recommend it either. So for once I understand where they are coming from on it. Going to speak to the psychologist about it on Thursday though as I need to know whether or not I am likely to be going back. I am hoping that over the next few months things will change with the help of medication and also therapy. I am willing to put more in to it than I have done. I know I need to if things need to improve.

But who knows what the future holds.

Psychiatrist Visit Tomorrow.

I am dreading it. I can't stand the guy.

I have been waiting for someone to get in contact with me regarding an appointment as they want to put me on different meds. I spoke to my TSW about this on Thursday and she said she was meeting with my Doctor the next day with a different patient but if she got him on his own she would ask him about me. So he told her I was booked in for this week at some point but he didn't know when.

So I have been expecting a letter telling me when. But no.

So today I have a home visit from Crisis Team and I asked her about it. I said I had not received anything through the post but I should have an appointment this week. So when she got back to the office she called me and said I was booked in for tomorrow. Nice of them to let me know.

I had arranged for a flat inspection and shopping to be delivered around the time of the appointment and being as though I wasn't available as I was in hospital for when the last inspection was booked I didn't want to mess them around by cancelling it. So I called Dr T's secretary and asked if I could change the appointment. Not just the inconvenience of it but I need more time to prepare myself for these things. But the secretary said it was booked as an urgent appointment and really I needed to make myself available for that, and, if I didn't go to that I wouldn't be able to be seen for another month. So, being as though I am not on any meds at all at the moment and since being off meds I have noticed a difference I thought I needed the input really to get started on some meds again. I don't want to wait a month of feeling like this and then however how long it takes for the meds to start working. So I called to change the flat inspection, luckily he is able to come an hour earlier and I have managed to change my online delivery.

I am dreading the flat inspection as well. Yes it's clean and tidy and I am looking after it but I can't help but feel it's an invasion on my privacy and is going to be looking for any small thing. I can have people come in to my home like the police and mental health professionals who ask me the most personal questions about my private thoughts. But someone coming to inspect my flat, that's a different matter. Why do I feel like this about it?

I am dreading tomorrow. I really don't like my Psychiatrist. He doesn't listen to a word I say and tells me I am feeling things I am not. Last time he told me I was feeling angry. I was like no, I'm not but you are starting to make me feel angry now by not listening to me and telling me I am feeling things I am not. I've done quite well and managed to not actually see him for an appointment on my own with him since July 2011. I have seen him since then when he has been in meetings about me while I was in hospital and also when he has done mental health act assessments. But I have managed to avoid seeing him. My CPN takes care of most things for me and feeds back to him what needs to be and so I manage to get away with not seeing him.

I also don't like him because he was the one who wanted to keep me in hospital when the hospital psychiatrists had said they wanted me discharged. This was back in September 2011 when I was on the PICU at the out of town hospital where Fingers was.

I want to go back on the medication I was on before. I know now it was doing something, I know what to expect from it. I know I don't get side effects when starting it. I know I don't get any side effects while I am on it. I don't want to start something new, an unknown quantity. But he won't listen to me about that.

I am getting so anxious about it.

So Crisis Team came out to see me today. It went ok. She said I have a lot to think about at the moment. Uni, DBT and medication. All big, important decisions. It is stressing me out as I don't know what to do about DBT and I know what I want with medication and uni but I know I am going to have to fight for both and I don't have it in me at the moment to stand up for myself and fight. Yes, I want to die. I don't want to live like this is probably the more accurate statement and see killing myself as a way out. But, if there is a chance I don't have to live like this then I want that. So medication and hard work it is. And if I do get better I know then I will get more positive about being a social worker and about my course. I will get the motivation to do it and do well. At one point it was my only focus in getting better and was so important to me and I fought and fought to stay on that course because being a social worker was the only thing I wanted to be. I want that to come back again. I am hoping it will. I am trying to be more optimistic and look to the future. I am trying to look after myself. I have come so close to self harming, breaking the razor apart and holding it to myself pressed down against my skin. But I stopped. I know when I self-harm I can't do it superficially. Once I feel that initial scratch I get lost in myself and go too far. I even swallowed some razor but started gagging on it and threw it up again.

I have kind of got a bit of a fear about hospitals now after last time. So, I have managed to stop myself knowing if I cut I will have to go to the hospital. Knowing if I swallow something, although unlikely there is that chance it could cause me internal damage which would result in a hospital admission. I keep having nightmares about my time in hospital. Mainly when they were holding a mask over my face. I have a bit of a fear about things being near my face and can't go for facials or the dentist because of this. I know it's kind of irrational, well very irrational but I have this fear they are going to smother me. So I keep having nightmares about masks being put over my face and not being able to breathe. While I was on ITU after they had taken me off the ventilator I was still having problems breathing and they put this mask on me which forced oxygen in to your lungs. It was horrible and I couldn't tolerate it at all. But they kept holding it in place telling me if I didn't have it on they would put me to sleep again and back on the ventilator. And then there was that night on the ITU where I was hallucinating quite badly and was adamant I had been moved and wasn't in hospital anymore. I got quite upset and wasn't able to breathe and they were holding a mask over my face and they then injected me with haloperidol through the IV.

One of my only memories from that initial period also was they tried to take me off the ventilator a day or so after it had happened and I couldn't breathe at all and didn't really know what was going on or where I was. I just remember being told they were going to have to put me to sleep again and a mask being placed over my face. It was horrendous.

It has also made me super scared of going back to the dentist. I went a few weeks ago for a check up and the dentist said I could have a bridge for the tooth I am missing. It's quite far back so you can't see that I am missing a tooth but it can making eating painful sometimes, especially if it is something hard like crusty bread etc. So I thought why not. He assured me it wouldn't involve any pain or needles. But other than that there is nothing wrong with my teeth so I could have just left it at that appointment and not have had to have gone back. But now I need to go back. I have an appointment for Wednesday and I am getting really anxious about it. Last time I went I took a double dose of Quetiapine. I usually take it at night and it knocks me out and zombifies me so I thought it would help with the anxiety. It did. I was actually falling asleep in the waiting room. But I don't have any of that left now. So I am going to have to go it med free and while having my irrational fears intensified as of what has happened over the last few weeks.

I know I sound pathetic. But I can't help the way in which I feel.

So tomorrow Dr T. Wednesday Dentist. Thursday CPN in the morning at my flat and in the afternoon to the hospital to see the Psychologist. Day off on Friday. Yay. Well so far. But I don't think I should have to see anyone. I am seeing most people this week before then. A full on week for me.

Doctors Appointment

So I built the courage up and called up my GP surgery yesterday expecting to be given an appointment in about 3 weeks. She took my details and said that I could go in that same day. I was quite surprised. Then she said that they had been talking about me that morning. Paranoia overdrive. But then she said she couldn't remember why though.

So that made me really nervous about going.

It turns out I am that person who makes the doctor run late. I was in with her 45 minutes. The appointment is only supposed to be 10mins max. So I must have annoyed a few people who were waiting after me to be seen.

She asked what I wanted and so I explained. First off was the shoulder/neck pain. She had a look and had a feel and said it was probably my tendons. She asked me to move it around a bit and I couldn't lift my arms properly. I explained how getting dressed was a nightmare and how when I got up in the morning I am nearly in tears and how every time I moved in the night it woke me up. So she prescribed me diclofenac and has referred me for physiotherapy on it. I have to call them Monday. Knowing what it's like though, I won't get in for a few weeks and by the time the appointment comes round it will be better. But it's been bad since I came out of the ITU which is 3 weeks ago. Enough is enough.

We then went on to talking about my pill and had a pill check. I told her my blood pressure would be high as it always was when I came for pill checks but usually it isn't. I get it checked regulary when I am in hospital, which of course was recently and it's always normal or even on the low side. So I just laughed and said I had white coat syndrome. It was high. She said it was probably a mixture of being there and also because I was in pain.

I was weighed and have put on 4kg since I was last checked which was 6 months ago. Eeek. That's a lot of weight to have put on. But I am working on that, I have joined Fat Fighters Online aka Weight Watchers.

I spoke to her about my weight and explained how it was an issue of mine and I wanted to do something about it but I had tried numerous times and no matter what I do I just can't seem to shift it. She said a lot of it was probably to do with my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. But if I am careful eat smaller portions and exercise it should help. We were talking about the exercise and she said I should go for walks and power walk for about 2 hours a day. 2 hours a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. OK, I know I am not working at the moment, but 2 hours a day. Who the hell does 2 hours exercise a day?

I asked about hypnotherapy and she said it was not something she was aware that my practice offered (she was new and a bit useless, I had to explain to her why I was taking Metformin that it was nothing to do with my sugars being high but was because part of PCOS is to do with insulin resistance) and that there is no medical proof that it works. So the idea of a hypnoband on the NHS is out. I can't afford the £450 which it is, and it's a lot of money to spend when I am not even sure if it would work. We talked a bit about diet pills and I said I didn't really want to take them as I had read that they cause you to have loose stools and being as though I already suffer with my bowels I didn't really want to make it worse as it caused me enough problems as it was. She said she would ask around and get back to me.

I also asked her about my not having had a period in about 7 weeks. She asked if I was sexually active and I said not. I did say how just before Xmas I was going out and getting so pissed that there were massive gaps in the night and not being able to remember getting home after I'd been out. She said I should probably do a pregnancy test. They didn't do them there unless it was an emergency and being as though I wasn't having pain it didn't constitute as an emergency. I was a bit annoyed at this really. I didn't say anything though. I looked in the pharmacy how much the tests were and the cheapest was £10. I'm not paying that. I know there are gaps in my memory but surly if I had done as much as slept with someone I would remember that as it's been so long. And it would hurt. I don't think I am pregnant. I can't be. But I do find it odd when usually when I stop taking the pill like clockwork after 4 days I have a bleed. She was saying it was probably something to do with the PCOS and that if I wasn't bleeding did I really need the pill. I thought she wasn't going to give it to me. I was close to tears explaining how since I had been on it, it had changed my life for the better. I told her how the problems I was having was bleeding about 20days of the month, not not bleeding at all.

I am reluctant to do a pregnancy test. I have only ever done one. It was when I was 19 and I missed a period all together and I thought I was pregnant. Back then I was regular and I was with GOM at the time and was of course sexually active. Looking back at it I think I may have actually have been pregnant but then lost it. It was so unlike me to miss one. But we will never know. How different my life would have been if I had have been. But anyway, waiting those few minutes was horrible. I don't want to put myself through that. I know I am doing the typical me thing of avoiding the issue. Running away from it. But I don't see why I should spend the money on a test that is going to be negative. How I am being over this is something I should probably talk to my psychologist about but I don't think I would be able to as it's girly stuff and he's a bloke. I suppose there is my CPN, but I don't really want it going in my notes. Everything goes in your notes.

So I think I will give it a bit longer and see what happens. Am I being stupid?????????????

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"Wow, You Look Different From Last Time I Saw You".

This is what the police officer who has just been round said to me.

I got a phone call just over an hour ago from the police saying that he was the one who picked me up and took me to hospital and he wanted to come round and talk to me about what happened and get some more info from me about my history so that if anything happens in the future they can help.

So there went my PJ day. I can't have the stereotype that benefit claimers who are mentally interesting laze around all day in their PJ's.

So about 40minutes after the call he rocks up at my door and that was the first thing he said to me. He told me what had actually happened. I have no recollection of it at all and had been wondering what had happened and how I had got to the hospital. Apparently I called Crisis Team, got annoyed with them and hung up. They tried calling me back but I didn't answer. So they called the police. The police came round to my flat but I wasn't there. They then got a phone call from a taxi driver stating he had seen me walking down the middle of the road with a bottle of wine and didn't look well. So they came and found me. He said I was quite combative and didn't want to go with them and refused to get in their car. They said they took my handbag off me, looked through that and saw lots of empty pill packets. They said I was acting quite manic, whatever that means. He said he put my handbag in the car and I just followed my bag. I then passed out on him and being as though I am only 2 mins from the ED they took me there. When I got there they tried waking me up but struggled. They then took me in the resuscitation area which is where the police left me.

He said if they hadn't have found the pill packets they were going to put me on a s.136. But he said it was lucky they did as it became apparent I was seriously ill.

So the reason he came round was because he wanted to see how I was and also there is a new national protocol where by in which they have someone who they have been involved with who has mental health issues they then like to get a back ground about them so they have details if there is a next time, or if they come across you in the street they have a better idea of what they are dealing with.

I was quite nervous when they called as I thought I was going to be in trouble. Especially when he said I was found with a bottle of wine, I thought I may get a fine or something for being drunk and incapable or having open alcohol open in a public place. But one of the first things he said to me was not to worry as I wasn't in any kind of trouble.

He was really nice and made me laugh. Especially when he went on about his sunglasses and how he wasn't sure if they suited him and asking my opinion on them.

So now I know what happened and how I got to the hospital. I am shocked. I am disgusted with myself and embarrassed. Maybe it would have been better me not knowing.

Now I feel highly anxious.

I don't know why I am wary of the police. Most of my dealings with them have been fine. And when they haven't it's been because I have been a knob. There have been 3 S.136's and the first one was horrendous, but I didn't cooperate at all and was trying to get away. The same with the second. I kept trying to escape. But after a while I calmed down and talked to them and apologised to them and they were then lovely to me and apologised for what they had had to do but had said it was in my own interests and they thanked me for apologising as apparently that doesn't happen very often. The 3rd S.136 they were nothing but lovely and caring. I have had a few dealings with them as of my being mentally interesting and there has only been 2 negative experiences, but then I have myself to blame for that.

I also spoke to him about my neighbours downstairs who are really noisy. He said I should write to the landlord and get them to take action. Or if they are really noisy at night to call and the police will go round and cut their stereo plugs so they can't play music. I'm going to give them another week. If it's still the same I think I will write a letter. I don't know though. Knowing me I won't as I don't want to risk causing a problem. But I hope it is because they haven't lived there that long that it is just people coming over to check out the new place.

Will wait and see.

Stressing About Stupid Things.

My downstairs neighbours are driving me insane. They are so noisy. They play shit music really late at night. Last night they were playing crap until at least 01.30am. Then that was followed by loud voices and slamming doors. Tonight it sounds like they have had people over again with more loud music and slamming of the doors. Every time they close a door my whole flat shakes. Maybe it's me being over sensitive to it, I don't know. But it is really getting to me. The flat I live in is in a converted building so the insulation isn't great. When upstairs were here you could hear them having a normal conversation. But this never bothered me. But this was before I ended up in hospital. Now I am out all my senses are on overdrive so little noises are bothering me. I can't relax not knowing when the next bang bang bang is going to happen.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to cause any friction with my neighbour. Maybe it is me being over sensitive and getting annoyed over nothing. Well, not nothing but just a bit of noise that I should just put up with as it is a converted flat. My brother thinks I should go round and say something and so does my friend. But there is no way I could do that. I don't do possible confrontational situations. My psychologist has talked to me about that before as I avoid doing anything that could be difficult like that and I will walk away from something even if I am right and someone else is wrong. But at the same time I don't want to complain as I don't want them thinking badly of me, and what if it is just me being over sensitive to them. Maybe once I am more well, and more stable it wont bother me and I will not think anything of it. Maybe, it's just because I am not doing that well at the moment that I am stressing over nothing?

Another thing I am stressing about is my cycle. I have not taken my contraceptive pill in coming up to 4 weeks. Usually when I don't take it for 4 days I have a period. But I have not had one. I have worked out I have not had one in over 6 weeks. I don't understand it. It worries me, because I worry if I have slept with someone and I am not aware of it and I have ended up pregnant. I know I dissociate when I cut, but what if I have done and slept with someone. Or just before Xmas when I was getting so pissed I couldn't remember the night I slept with someone then? I know it's really unlikely, but I can't help but worry about it.

I keep thinking just buy a pregnancy test, put your mind at ease. But then, I think I am being ridiculous as I haven't slept with anyone in ages. It will actually be 3 years in August. So not to waste money on a pregnancy test. But there is that seed of doubt. I would feel stupid buying a test.

Maybe it's just because of the trauma my body has been through the past few weeks. Obviously I was in ITU for a week unconscious and did nearly die. Then I was told I was malnourished. Never thought I would hear that, 16 stone and malnourished. That was because I was nasal gastric fed in ITU and then obviously there was the whole control thing where I didn't eat at all for over a week. In the space of 3 weeks I didn't eat one proper meal, it was never more than a few mouths full. So maybe it's that that is causing problems. But I am eating again now. And I am being healthy. I am eating lots of fruit and veg and being careful. I have signed up to Fat Fighters online and am following a good healthy eating plan.

Maybe I should just book an appointment with my doctor. I need to go over my shoulder/neck as that is still causing me loads of pain and basic painkillers aren't helping. They aren't even touching it. So I don't even bother taking them. I also need to get more contraceptive pills and have the 6 monthly check up on it. They'll probably tell me my blood pressure is high, even though every time I get it checked elsewhere it's normal. It's just white coat syndrome. They'll also tell me I have put on weight since last time I got checked. I did have an appointment to see a doctor a couple of weeks back to talk about some help with losing weight as I have tried on my own lots of times and I have not been able to. I was going to ask about hypnotherapy.

But, me being me. I keep putting off calling the doctor. I hate going. And now I have moved, although it's on a local bus route. I can't be arsed. That's basically it. I'm pathetic aren't I?

Grrrrrrr.

Inspiration...From Scrubs Of All Places.

Just caught the end of an episode of Scrubs on E4. Doctor Kelso said to someone along the lines of you are just scared of doing something for your self in case you fail and then you have no one to blame except yourself. And that there are no magical fixes, so start doing the work. Nothing in this life that is worth having comes easy.

How true is that. And I am actually inspired by Scrubs.

I know now I need to do things for myself. Medication may help, but it is not the cure for me. I really need to change the way in which I am approaching therapy and put some real effort in.

So the whole DBT thing. I am still unsure. I have emailed my course director to try and get the practicalities of it sorted out. She said the time tables wouldn't be sorted out until later in the summer so she couldn't tell me about that. In a way I wish I hadn't emailed her and had left it a bit longer. She has said she would like to meet to discuss my return and also speak to my psychologist about my fitness to practice and if they think I could handle it. Well at the moment, I can't handle it. But I don't want her knowing that. I wanted to wait until I am more stable before talking about all of that. I have put her off a little hopefully. I have said I am seeing Psychologist and CPN next week and I will speak to them about who is the best for her to have contact with. I am hoping my Psychologist will say he will do it for me. He is more positive and I have a feeling he will be more helpful. My experiences of my CPN are that she can be quite negative when talking to other people about me. So if she does it I may not get back on the course.

I think though, about the DBT. If the psychologist said I could see him for the individual sessions then I'll probably end up doing it. I have to take more responsibility. And while I don't agree that there is enough traits met to be diagnosable with PD, I do agree that there are traits. Also, DBT was designed to look at suicidal behaviours and self harm. So it could be useful. I am still put off, really put off by the whole group side of it. And the mindfulness. I hate mindfulness. I just can't get on with it.

So while I am still wishing that it had worked. And I still feel kind of that I would rather be dead. I don't have any plans to. I know that I can't do what I did again. There is the chance it wouldn't work and I would have to go through what I did again. I am having nightmares about it. I think it's more of I don't want to live like this. So I feel I need to do something about it. I feel more depressed than I did before I did what I did. That does worry me. But saying that, I know things need to change and I have more motivation to change.

So, I think it's wait and see.

Psychology Session

It went really well. I feel a bit better about things and have found some motivation to get better. And he has left me with some important decisions to make.

We talked mainly about what had happened. He said he had been really worried about me and had called the ITU to speak to nurses to see how I was doing. He said he wasn't going to sit by and watch me kill myself. So if I was so intent on dying he said he couldn't see me anymore as there wasn't much point and he wasn't going to sit and watch me kill myself. He said if we are going to continue to see each other things need to change and we can not carry on the way in which we have been. I agreed with him. I said what had happened had kind of proved his point in that what was going on wasn't working for me. If it had been working what happened wouldn't have happened. I said what got me about the whole experience and what bothered me most was not the fact that I nearly died. But the fact that if they hadn't have been able to wake me up when they tried that second time they would have done a tracheotomy. He said that that wasn't that unusual. As I would have lived and I would have had to live with a visible scar and it also be an awful experience. And that although I am suicidal, I do have some value for my body. And that I did come through it, but I nearly came through it, an awful experience with a visible scar.

We talked a bit about making goals from what I want and need from therapy. We also talked quite a bit about DBT. As he was reading through the list of goals I had made I knew what he was going to say. He said most of them could be met through a course of DBT. So we talked quite a bit about it. And, I think he may be talking me round. I don't want to live like this. I can't live like this. I need to accept things need to change and that medication alone isn't going to change things for me. Yes, it will help. But it is not going to be the cure. I am not saying DBT is, but is it worth giving it a ago. I told him a bit about my whole wanting to take a medical, scientific approach to it all. That I would like to be able to take a pill and my problems be sorted. He said I may feel that now but if I were to do the course and things improved I would have the self satisfaction that I did it. I suppose he has a point.

I said to him I don't want to sound like I am making excuses about not doing it but it was not just the fact that I really don't think I can do group work but there were practicality issues. I said that if I did go back to uni in September I don't know what days I am going to have off. It may not be the day in which the group sessions are held. So I may only be able to do it until September. It is supposed to be a year long course. A huge commitment. There are only 8 places available on the course and I don't want to take a place knowing I can only get about 4 months worth of work done when there may be someone who can commit to the whole course and also be more positive about doing it. It's not fair that I take their spot on it.

He said it wouldn't be certain I would be offered a space to do it anyway, but they could offer me an assessment. He said though that if I did the assessment like I did last time (back in January 2012) he would rip the form up and throw it back in my face. He said he had never seen anything like it and that I came out as a flat person with no personality at all. I don't know how I managed it either. I thought I filled it in accurately. He said it was probably my back ground in psychology etc that had lead to me doing it like that. So he kind of made me a bit nervous about having another assessment.

Also, I didn't tell him this but I worry about not being able to see him. He is one of them that does the DBT but if I were to do it I would want the individual sessions to be with him as I already know him and him me. And I know I like him and can be open with him. Maybe this is something I can ask about next time.

I think what I will do is email my course director and tell her I have been offered a chance to possibly do DBT and if she would be able to tell me what my days off from uni will be next year when I go back. If, it is do able then maybe I will give it a chance. I still won't be able to complete the course as I will be on placement from January so will only be able to do it until then. I can't see the point in starting it and only being able to do 3-4 months of it. But I think I could possibly get some benefit if I could 6-7 months of it.

I think I have kind of made my mind up. If I can continue to see him, and if it works out with uni. I think I will give it a go. I need to accept things aren't just going to change.

I asked him what will happen and what we can do if I don't do it. He said I can continue to see him every two weeks and we will work through the goals I have and use some DBT techniques. He said doing it like that wouldn't be as effective but at least we would be doing something. We would also have to agree an end of the sessions. He is right though. Things have to change, and I have to accept that I need to be the one to bring about these changes.

He didn't seem to get pissed off with me this week. Maybe it's because I didn't say anything to piss him off. I'd be pissed off with me if I was him. So I can see why he would be.

I even told him I hadn't been honest with him about just how serious the self harm was. So I told him I had been swallowing things 3-4 times a week. He asked why I hadn't told him and I told him I was scared of the repercussions. I also said how I thought it was odd how I would go to the hospital to get stitches when I had cut but not when I swallowed. I talked about how last time I cut enough to get stitches I also swallowed. Yet, when I was at the hospital I never mentioned the fact that I had swallowed anything. I said not all the time I got urges to swallow something, not like with the cutting how I can feel it building and it just seems to come from no where and it's more of a routine. To that he just said Bull Shit. He said that although I may not be aware of it, there is something and it does come from somewhere and that will be something we can work on.

He asked if I was still suicidal why I had not got plans to do it again. I said I couldn't do that again and risk it wouldn't work. It was a horrendous experience. One I have been having dreams/nightmares about. I didn't get round to telling him that bit. Maybe next time I can talk about it a bit more.

So that's today really. It went a lot better than I thought and I feel a bit better. Hopefully with his help I can change things.

Pre- Psychology Post.

So seeing my Psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I must say I feel quite nervous. A few reasons really. Firstly, last time he seemed quite pissed off with me and I am worried he may be the same again. I suppose I could see why he may have been pissed off with me last time. I wasn't exactly being the most forth coming person. All I would say was that I had done something that I thought would have ended things for me and it didn't work. He said he was concerned about that. And also I was talking about how pissed off with everything I was and he seemed quite annoyed and said that I had been offered a few different things but kept turning people down. He was talking mainly about DBT, which there is no way I am going near as I will not do group work. I will not open up or talk about my experiences of illness around people I don't know or don't trust. There is also there being more than one person that I can't deal with.

We did talk about mindfulness again last time. And I have made an effort with that. But, I just can't get my head around it and I don't find it useful. I have really tried with it. I even carry Smints around with me so that I can use the strong taste as something to be mindful of when I can't use music or breathing. I have tried. I can't do it. But I keep on trying. So that is something he should at least be happy with.

He also asked me to come up with a list of goals about what I wanted from meeting with him.

This is what I have got...

- To not fear the hallucinations etc. To not be scared that they are coming and not to get so worked up and anxious when I experience them.

- To not fear the low mood cycles.

 - To be able to control my thoughts.

- Not to let emotions get the best of me.

- To move on from the past.

 - To not fear the possibility of new relationships. Both possible relationships and possible friendships. I distance myself where I am likely to meet new people and situations where there are new people make me anxious. Also, I think I would like a relationship with a bloke and do the normal relationship stuff but I am scared. There is the issue of eventually opening up about me and the self harm and this period in my life. And the scars!

 - To not rely on crutches. Food, alcohol, hiding away in the flat becoming a hermit.

- Prevention of relapse. Possible triggers, warning signs etc.

- Increase in motivation and self confidence. To start believing in myself.

 - To change my way of thinking. Becoming more optimistic rather than being a pessimist.

- To be able to notice impulsive behaviours and stop them.

- To be able to cope with the feelings of guilt after seriously self harming.

- Accept that this is causing problems in my life.

- Learn effective relaxation techniques to calm anxiety.

 - What is causing the insomnia?

So they are my goals. How do they sound. Is there any more that I could add? Anyone who reads regularly will know a bit about me and know what I need so any input would be appreciated.

What I haven't done, which was one of the things he asked me to do was keep a diary of the hallucinations. I meant to. But got a bit side tracked. I don't want to piss him off. I have contemplated going back and making stuff up. Just so I can say I have done it. I care a lot about what he thinks. Yes, I am aware me caring too much about what people think is an issue of mine.... ooo another goal.

So I am a bit worried he will be a little pissed off I haven't done that. I've done the goals though.

Another reason I am worried about tomorrow is as of what he thinks about the whole last month about what I did etc. I am more worried about what he has to say about it all than I was my friends and family. Maybe as I know I am more able to talk about my feelings with him. And, I know I need to talk about what happened with someone. And he is that person. I know I came close to dying. I also know it was touch and go at times. But you know what scares me most. Not that I nearly died, I still want that and even wish it had worked. I still think all the time about how I wish it worked. But the thing that scared me most was I was told if I hadn't have woken up properly that second time when I did wake up I would have been given a tracheotomy. What's the deal there?

So things to talk about with him are mainly what I have been through in the last 3 weeks and what effect that has had on me. How I wish it had worked. How I still want it but I don't have a plan. How when I saw him last I didn't think I could possibly feel any worse but I do. How I  really don't like leaving my flat and would rather just stay in than go anywhere or see anyone. How the hallucinations are becoming more frequent and last a bit longer. The anxiety is worse. How I am not sleeping and the other night I was so paranoid while I was up as of not sleeping I had to get back in to bed and just lie there with the covers over my head so that the camera in the smoke alarm couldn't see me. And I must have been there like that a couple of hours before relaxing enough to be able to finally get to sleep about 6.30am.

It's about a month since I last saw him now. I just hope it goes ok.

Had Crisis Team come round today. Was a bit of a waste of time. She should have just phoned me. She was only here about 15minutes. She was of the distraction camp. She said she would call me on Thursday and we would arrange another visit. I have quite a bit booked in this week. Psychologist tomorrow, OT Tuesday and Tenancy Support Thursday. My TSW has said she wants to meet with me and the CPN at the same time. Originally I said it was OK, but the more I think about it the less and less I like the idea. So when I see the TSW I am going to have to tell her while I am happy for her to see my CPN and discuss me. I don't want to be there. I really can't handle those situations.

I am so irritable at the moment. I have new neighbours downstairs and they are driving me insane (more so). They are not noisy as in loud music all the time. But they talk so loud and slam doors. Every time they close a door my place shakes. It is really getting to me.

Visit Tomorrow

I have Crisis Team coming over tomorrow. It is someone I have seen before. It must be nearly 2 years ago since I saw her. She came to my house when I was living with the parents before I went in to hospital. From what I remember she is quite nice. I can't remember if she is of the distraction camp or not.

I am feeling terrible. I didn't think it would actually be possible to feel worse than I was a few weeks back before I ended up in hospital. I think last night I got around 2.5 hours sleep. Today I am exhausted. I was just laying there most the night. I got up for a bit but there was too much going off in terms of hallucinations so I was better just lying in my bed head under the covers with my eyes closed so at least I couldn't see anything. Was still hearing my name being shouted and also smelling things but it's the visual ones that bother me the most.

I went to my friend's baby shower today. It was awful for me. There were too many people and my head was a mess. I didn't deal with it well at all. I left after a couple of hours.

I have also eaten today. Quite a lot really. I am going to go back to controlling tomorrow if I can. I feel awful for eating. It has made me feel so sick. But now I have started again I probably won't be able to stop again. I lasted over a week though. That's probably the longest I have managed without any food at all.

I just want to sleep now. If I go to bed now though I am worried I will wake up at about 2ish and not be able to get back to sleep. I am going to try and manage until about 10pm and go to bed then.

I think coming off medication has had some effect on me. I am definitely more depressed since I stopped taking them. I didn't think it would be possible. I just hope it doesn't get or can't get worse than this.

Called Crisis Team

Don't really know why I did. I don't know why I was expecting more. All I was basically told was take a bath, go for a walk, watch TV just in general distract yourself.

I don't know what I expected really. She wasn't helpful at all. It seemed as though she was having a go at me about not having anything in my life at the moment and not having a job or studied since 2011. It was like I was trying to defend myself about being in hospital for a year and being ill.

Why should I feel like I have to defend myself? It's put me in a even worse mood.

They did tell me that they will contact me and arrange a visit for Sunday. Maybe that will help. Or maybe they'll just tell me to distract myself or get a job or something.

The psychologist called me at about 18.30. He was working late. He has said he will see me on Monday afternoon. I hope that will help, but then last time he just seemed really pissed at me. Maybe I put too much faith in others.

Low

I feel so low and miserable. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to be in bed and sleep. But I worry if I do that I will lie awake all night ruminating. There are massive self-harm and suicidal urges but I am even too low and don't have the energy to act on those. I suppose that in a way is a good thing. Isn't it? But, I know what I am like. As soon as it lifts a little I will probably act on the urges. That does worry me. I just don't have the energy to do anything about them at the moment.

The Psychologist didn't call today. I was hoping he would. I probably won't hear anything until Tuesday at the earliest. I don't think he works Mondays. So I probably won't get to see him until the end of next week. I was hoping I would be able to see him earlier.

I am contemplating calling crisis team. Not sure why. I have not had much help from them in the past. They will probably just tell me to distract myself. But, maybe it would be useful just being able to talk to someone. I don't actually know what to do.

Struggling

So I get summoned by my CPN today to go see her across town. She can't come to me as she is on duty and she is off until the week after next so it needs to be today. I already have an appointment booked with my TSW but the CPN calls to cancel it. She tells me if I don't go and see her I will have to see someone else who doesn't know me and they aren't happy with that as they know I am not good with new people. So I was lying in bed. Ok it was 12pm when she called. I had been up since really early but it was the only place I am comfortable as I have awful neck/shoulder pain at the moment and lying flat on my back is the only way which seems to help. And I couldn't be bothered with the TV or music or anything and I just wanted to stay nice and snug and warm under my duvet, feeling sorry for myself. So she cancels the TSW appointment. I am kind of miffed as I could have done with seeing her as I have had a letter from housing benefit I am a bit confused about and could have done with going over it with her and finding out what is going on. Now I can't see her until next Thursday.

So I get up, painfully shower, wash my hair, get dressed, apply make-up and dry hair. If my TSW had have been coming all I would have done would have been brush teeth and stick some jogging bottoms on. Not had to faff around getting a top over my head or washing my hair. Then I traipse across town. All for 20 bloody minutes. We could have discussed what was needed to be discussed over the phone.

What we have agreed is that I am going to have more input from services for a while. The crisis team are going to come see me a couple of times a week, I have my CPN who I will see again in a couple of weeks when she is back off leave, I see my OT next week and I am waiting for my psychiatrist to get in contact with me so I can see him asap to discuss medication as they decided Depakote, Quetiapine and Lofepramine are too risky for me to be taking in case of OD, so currently I am not on anything. Lamotrigine has been discussed as the next drug of choice.

 At first I was really against it. I think I must have got mixed up with that and something else as I thought the Lamotrigine was notorious for weight gain. I thought I had seen patients on it before gain loads of weight but it must have been something else. I did a bit of research last night and read peoples opinions on it and most people have said they have been OK on it. And also the professional point of view is that it is a weight neutral drug so shouldn't cause weight gain. Some people have said they have noticed a loss since they have started on it. Weighing up that and the Quetiapine it seems as though the Quetiapine is more likely to cause weight gain than anything.

I am still not happy at changing. I was happy, well happyish with the Depakote as I thought it did have some impact in stabilising my moods. But the Lamotrigine is also a mood stabiliser so I may be ok with that. I don't think there are as many risks being of child bearing age either with it. I know they weren't really that happy with me having the Depakote and being of child bearing age as of the risks to the foetus, like it having no brain or other complications. That by the time you find out you are pregnant, it's too late and termination is the only option. Not something I want to go through. Not that I am sexually active or have a relationship or plan to be sexually active any time soon. I just have no desire to be sexually active at the moment. I have no drive in me at all. Maybe that's the drugs, or was considering I am not on anything at the moment.

I would be happier staying with what I know, the Depakote, lofepramine and Quetiapine. But if recent events have been anything to go by, I suppose they are not working enough for me. So maybe they have a point. Of course I don't have to take anything. But I am not happy not having anything and do feel I need the mood stabiliser. Not so sure if the anti depressant actually did anything. The Quetiapine works for me as well. But not sure they want to prescribe me anything that is so harmful in OD. They kind of have a point I suppose.

So yeah, waiting for appointment with the Psychiatrist, hopefully it will be next week or the week after. And I was supposed to have my psychologist come visit me on the ward tomorrow. But being as though I am not on the ward I am hoping he will call me and offer me an appointment to go see him tomorrow there. But there is not always a room available. Especially at short notice. He is off at the moment so he won't know until tomorrow morning I am not in hospital. Hopefully he will call me tomorrow and suggest I meet him at his base. I have not actually spoke to anyone properly about what actually happened the other week and how I feel about anything. I have been asked about it but I have not really felt comfortable discussing it with anyone. So could do with a bit of a debrief with him. Also, I've not seen him in about a month as I was in ITU when we were supposed to have our appointment so I missed it.

I am struggling quite a bit at the moment. I told my CPN this today. I saw her when she came to assess me on the medical ward and denied suicidal thoughts as I thought that would just lead to a mental health act assessment. But, today I told her it was something that was there and there were also self-harm urges. I am tired. I am miserable. I have no energy. I have no motivation. Basically I feel shit. All I want to do is be in bed and sleep. Sleep my time away. But I can't even sleep properly. So I just lie there. Before, at least I wanted to watch TV. But I don't even want to do that now. I don't know what I want.

My friend came over for a bit. That was nice. She did have some impact in distracting me. Was nice to get the gossip, and gossip and bitch. If they come here it's nice to see them. But I don't want to leave my flat or make an effort to go anywhere at the moment.

I just want to sleep!

Discharged.

Yay. Got to have home treatment come round see me but he said he'd discharge me. If I wanted. So yay!

Home

They let me go. Yay. Not sure if it's just overnight leave or if it's for good. I have to go back to see the consultant tomorrow on the ward and speak to him. But the junior doc spoke to the consultant before letting me go so I am assuming that all will be ok. And they don't let you go if they think you are going to be too high risk.

Don't get me wrong. I am struggling a bit. I am still seeing things. But I am not feeling any worse than I was on the ward and the symptoms are no worse. So I should be ok. But I do have worries. I have a really bad neck and shoulder pain which means I can't do much with my arm and it's so painful. I was on tramadol on the ward but I said I didn't want to stay and so they wouldn't give me any more. So I have had to buy some paracetamol and ibuprofen. Because I brought them over the counter they gave me max amount you can buy at a time. I also have quite a bit at home but it's got codeine in and I can't take those as pain relief as I haven't been eating and I will get a violent reaction to it. So, I have quite a lot of pills around me. And, I have already thought about taking them. Not a good sign really.

But I am struggling on. The ward have said they will keep my bed and if at any time tonight or tomorrow I can have it back and stay a few more days. I won't be taking them up on that offer though. I will have to be forced back in if they want me back in.

Oh and I have dyed my hair. It's darker than I wanted. Not sure I like it.

Ok, This Isn't Working.

It really isn't doing anything for me being here. I need to be at home around my own things. On my own sofa with my own bed and duvet. I've been away from home for over 2weeks now and I can't stand it.

So I'm just waiting to see nursey to tell her I want to go. I saw the consultant yesterday and I don't think it will be a problem as he said he wasn't going to force me to stay.

I don't want to go home to self harm or do anything. It's probably even the opposite. My being at home will probably calm the urges.

So here again it's wait and see.

Review Number 1 From Psych Ward.

Bloody doctor was lovely. Grrr. I wish he was my community consultant.

Spent over an hour with him and I let him talk me in to staying.

He actually listened to me. For a consultant I thought that was really good. Most are so far up their own asses that they hear you but change what you say. This guy listened and when he fed back to me put it in an even better way than I could have articulated it. I don't think that's ever happened with a doc before. My psychologist does it also which is why I like him.

So I agreed to stay and we'll review the situation next Monday. He is letting me off the ward also on my own and has said on Wednesday I can go back to my flat for a bit and then Thursday or Friday go into the city centre shopping and to my best friend's baby shower on Saturday.

He is going to talk to the community consultant about medication. I told him I wasn't happy coming off it so he's going to see what the deal is and maybe hopefully tweak a few things.

He did say he didn't want to see me sectioned and wouldn't force that on me. But at the moment would be a good idea for me to stay, see my psychologist on Thursday to get some support from him and see what he has to say.

I suppose he's right. Well I'm saying that now as I feel pretty stable. When I'm not all I want to do is be at home. I can see more than my nose at the moment. I'm not saying when I want to be at home it's just so I can self harm. I sometimes feel I can deal with things better at home. Around my own things in on own space. I start to struggle here then everything going on around me just seems to amplify. So someone shouting just adds to it. My room mates light, not even noisy snoring adds to it. Someone else turning the page in a book, adds to it. You get the picture?

So that's that. Let's just see how I get on. I'll probably be asking to go home later! Lol.

In other irrelevant, boring none descript news. I've decided to dye my hair. Been blonde again for a couple of years now but I can't afford it and when I've got roots, which is most the time it just looks greasy. So I'm going to put a light auburn on. I'm nervous. I do prefer being blonde, but I'm naturally dark so the up keep is expensive and as my hair is quite long I can't do it my self. So it needs about 70quid spending on it every 6-8 weeks if I want to keep it looking good. As it is at the moment I have 3inch dark brown root line in bleached hair. Does not look good.

Can You Be Friends With An Ex? And More From Psych Ward.

Not that I've had any contact with him but I was just wondering. I really want him back in my life. But just as a friend.

Last night I was bawling my eyes out. Quite publicly. 2 things I never do. I don't do crying unless it's at a sad book, film or even tv adverts. But yesterday I couldn't stop. I'm in a shared 3 bed dorm and I was just lying on my bed sobbing not caring who heard who who subsequently saw once my room mate went and fetched someone. And the thing that kept coming into my mind was how much I wanted to see Gom. Not for any romance or relationship but for his being a friend. His practical advice.

I've thought about him so much the last few weeks. Maybe it's because I'm in contact with his sister and getting close to her again. I'm even going to be seeing his mum soon. Which I'm nervous and excited about. I suppose when someone is in your life you care about for 9 years there's bound to be some residual feelings. But I don't think mine are any longer jealousy, hate, you know the usual feelings that come after a break up. I don't think they're there any more. When I was told his fiance had broken it off with him I genuinely felt bad for him.

I don't know why I'm putting so much thought into it. I don't even know if he'd feel the same way. I have an idea of how I'd make contact with him if I did decide to make contact. We're on the same dating site and he makes some truly awful jokes which would be a bit of a turn off. So I'd email him and joke with him about it and how if he wants a girlfriend he should change it and come off plenty of weirdos and not be so cheap and pay for match. And then joke about it being full of weirdos on that site and say look, I'm the living proof!

So that's that. Weird what's going through my head at the moment considering I'm on a psych ward.

I really want to go home. I hate this place. So I've spoken to nursey and asked her to call the doc so I can speak to him today about it. She said it's unlikely but maybe worth a shot. I said if it came down to him wanting to put me on a 5.2 I'd stay informal. Not because I don't think I'd pass a mental health act assessment, well actually if I was totally honest I probably wouldn't. But I've still got it in me to remain rational and say the right things that they want to hear. The assessment doesn't botheR me. What does is it wouldn't be until tomorrow when my consultant and gp could make it and I wouldn't be allowed off the ward at all until then. At least at the moment, although I'm only allowed off 3 times a day, which when you smoke is a killer. At least I've got those 3 times.

Also speaking to nursey she said they had their concerns about my being on this ward as they all knew whenever I've been on this ward it's never gone well for me. Think they're worried I'm going to go all psycho on them, self harm and kick off. Which is basically what has happened each time I've been on this ward. So yeah, I can see why they'd have their concerns as I've not exactly made life easy for them in the past. I think I was involved in a 4 hour restraint once. I can also remember one time being restrained until I fell asleep from the meds they'd jabbed me with.

I've spoke quite a bit about my time here before with my Psychologist. It was before I knew him and he's said that he wouldn't have known I could be like that as since he's known me I've only been jabbed and restrained a couple of times. And not for any period of time. But hopefully if I'm still here by the next time I see him, which I think will possibly be Thursday as he's at this hospital on a Thursday he can also fight my corneR for me.

Hopefully, but very unlikely though the doc I'm going to see tonight will let me go. If not hopefully he will write me up for some haloperidol. All I'm written up for at the moment is 1mg of lorazepam. Useless. So I've not even bothered with it. All the staff who know me know that 5 and 2 is what works best for me. So 1mg on it's own is pretty pointless?

My favourite nurse is on again tonight. He's so sweet. So may have a chat with him tonight when he's here. 
Some people surprise you who'd make a good nurse as your first impression of him is probably that he's a wishy washy quiet bloke. But he knows what he's on with and he's easy to talk to.

On another note, I'm back to being able to control. I say yay. But if I were to talk to someone else who was doing it I'd see it as a bad mental health sign. Oh well. It makes me feel good though. Managed 2 days of nothing at all. And all the while I was on medical wards was only having a few mouths full. I've never actually talked to anyone about this before so no one knows that what I'm doing is a way of self harm when I can't physically do it. I'm really funny about talking to anyone about food anyway.

Maybe it has been noted before thinking about it though. When I was on PICU and was about to be moved to acute with my key nurses we did a signs to look for in her to tell she's not well. Basically I won't always talk about it so we used to work on signs. And one that my key worker brought uP was that when things are bad for me I have very little in the way of diet. So she'd noticed. No one has ever said anything to me since. The only thing I had before was when I was 1st detained back in August 2011 I stopped eating then. They noticed and turned round to me and said if I didn't eat I couldn't smoke. So I just used to flush a sandwich down the loo.

So that's it really. Just waiting on doc to come see me. Unlikely he'll let me go but at least I'll hopefully get some decent PRN that works and hopefully some decent pain relief.

I'll keep you updated.

Well That Plan Didn't Work.

<p>So they couldn't find a bed. It got to 10pm and I said that's it then I'll wait from home. They then turned round to me and said you can't go without speaking to a psych. So cue waiting an hour and a half. Me close to tears as every sense is in over drive. Seeing things in the window and things moving etc. But I held it together. </p>
<p>I even gave a good account of myself to him. Came across rational, normal and didn't mention what I was actually experiencing. I said I was happy to be admitted just tonight I had to be at home as the medical ward was really getting to me. He then started talking about how close I came to dying and how a couple of times it was touch and go.</p>
<p>I said I hadn't planned anything and I hadn't got anything to harm myself at home and if he let me go I'd be happy if he wanted to send crisis team round tomorrow and every day until a bed is found. Which is true.</p>
<p>Anyway. He turned round and said he wasn't happy making the decision and he'd speak to his on call senior. I really thought I had it.</p>
<p>No. Appears not. I'm now waiting for yet another are you mental enough to be detained assessment. He said they weren't happy as I'd come so close to dying and in the past had done some pretty serious shit when I'd not planned to so on that basis I've got to have another assessment.</p>
<p>It's really pissed me off. Cos I have agreed to go into hospital. And even when I agreed it wasn't put to me in the kind of way that has been done previously where they've said either come informally or we section you. It was actually given to me as my choice to make. Well it seemed like that anyway. But I actually feel with this that on this one my CPN would probably be backing me up.</p>
<p>So now I'm scared. If I am detained I'll be sent out of area. Away from my team and the good relationship I have with my psychologist. The one person I am most open honest with.

Scrap all that. All of a sudden miraculously a bed. Less than 100metres away has materialised. Not where I want to be. But they said unless I take it they'll do the mental health act assessment. It's in hospital under my psychologist so I should get to see him. And hopefully I can swap with someone. How the hell at 1.30am there can be a bed and at 10pm there wasn't. Who knows.

I'm pissed off. And really worried. I've not lasted long on this ward before and has really bad memories for me. It's a horrible disgusting ward with shared everything. It's old and horrid. So hopefully I'll be transferred to the other hospital asap. The staff on the ward are nice from what I remember. The last time I was there was November 2011 so quite a while a go. Things may have changed quite a bit.

I'm so worried.

Countdown.

So I'm still on a medical ward but I've been now told I'm medically fit. Due to my little white lies probably, but anyway I'm told I'm medically fit.

I've told them I refuse to spend another night on this ward as it's too cold and since I've been woken up from the induced coma I've probably only slept 5 or 6hours. In 5days. I can't handle it. I've said I'll go when there's a bed but I'll wait from home if needs be. Besides, there are probably medically ill people more in need of this bed than me. Saying that it will prob make them more ill.

Since being woken up I have had a really bad stomach. Nice. And developed some problem with my neck shoulder which means I can't turn my head properly or support the weight of my arm. Add this to my swallowing problems, eating problems, general weakness and it taking over an hour for me to shower and dress myself. You could say I'm not in a great way.

So they've got an hour and I'm out of here.

Near Death Experience.

So you may have wondered where I've been for the last couple of weeks. Well currently am on a medical ward waiting to go back to psych hospital for a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks ago I did something which landed me in a coma on a ventilator in the intensive care unit for a week. A week on the ICU. Then 3nights on the high dependency unit and now a normal medical ward. So yes, I've been quite ill.

And I came very close. And the snippets I do remember were scary as hell. Waking up with tubes down your throat paralysed. Then when the tubes came out still not being able to breathe and them putting you on special o2 masks that force it in to you.

So my CPN came today to see me and she advised me to go back in informally. She said she'd be happier if I was there and that while she wasn't going to recommend a mental health act assessment I had to really think about what I wanted and what I need. And at the end of the day she's right.

They have decided that my medication obviously isn't working and to stop it. So take me off it all together. I was given the option of lamongatrine or what ever it's called but I've seen what it can do to you. So I thought if I'm not going to have medication and after this experience I've just had I may be better in hospital.

Will wait and see. It's not what I want but it's probably what I need at the moment.

Wish me luck!!!!