Don't Know Whether or Not to Carry On?

So, another appointment with Sam. It's given me alot to think about. I have not liked the last 2 appointments at all. She is now wanting answers. I can't provide them. We talked about the first time I self harmed and why. I said it was impulsive but I was incredibly angry and it was a way of internalising that anger. But now, it's different. It's not about internalising my emotions. She asked me what is was about and I said I didn't know. And I don't.

She kept talking about this 10 minute rule thing and how I should give it ago. I don't want to. Basically the way I feel is that the letting is not an issue to me. It's something I do. Like I smoke. I don't want to give up smoking even though other people tell me I should. I know it's not good for my health but if someone told me to not smoke and I wanted to then I would just smoke. You have to want it yourself to stop. Telling a smoker to cut down or try and stop smoking when they don't want to is not going to be successful, Nor are they going to be able or want to come up with reasons why they smoke and how they should go about stopping if they don't want to stop. I used this analogy with Sam and she said she understood where I was coming from but no one was asking me to stop but to analyse what my feelings and thoughts are should I not be able to self harm. I said to her that I don't see this as a problem. Cutting I see as a problem, not letting. Letting I see as something that stops me from cutting. Should I not let, I believe that I will start cutting again. I don't want to be cutting. I am covered in enough scars!

I said I was reluctant to when I didn't see it as a problem and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stop. What I get from it is more than anything else in my life. When I know that I am going to do it I feel excited. Even if it is a few hours later the feeling I have when I decide I am going to do it is excitement. When I do it, I feel euphoria. Putting it off is just putting off something I am excited about. So it builds until I struggle to contain it. Say for example you have an event that you are excited about, a party, your birthday, a night out. You feel a good excitement don't you? Not nerves. Then as it gets closer you get more and more excited. If that event was then put off how would you feel? But you know it's still going to happen? I dunno, I am really struggling to articulate how it makes me feel. I think I self harm because I want to. Not because I need to. I am not punishing myself, I am not releasing emotions. I am doing it because I enjoy it. Maybe possibly I have some weird curious thing about the human body. I know I am curious about just how much the human body can take. Am I my own lab rat?

If someone told you that you should stop doing something that you enjoyed doing, that wasn't causing anyone else any trouble, and you didn't want to stop doing it. And, they wanted you to look at your thoughts and feelings about why you do it. Would you be a willing person?

We also had the no one is forcing you to come here talk. She asked me why I come to therapy if self harming was something I didn't want to stop. First off I said it was useful to have someone who wasn't phased by stuff that I said and to have a sounding board to bounce off. Also she gives me quite a lot of reassurance in things. Like if I say I am feeling one way about something which I am not sure is the right way to feel, or feel bad for voicing it.

For Example I didn't want my Nanna to die just before Xmas as it would taint Xmas every year. My other Nan did die just before Xmas. However, we have a way of dealing with it. We don't take our feelings out on everyone else and we just don't really get in the Xmas mood until after her anniversary. But after the anniversary we kind of get on with it. If my Nanna my Dad's Mum died just before Xmas, Xmas would have been a miserable affair for ever more as of the way my Dad would have dealt with it. I am not close to my Dad's mum, and to be honest, she has dementia and a whole other heap of old age related illnesses. She doesn't know anyone and really is just a shell that has a heart beat. So in a way I feel that it would be kinder for her to be left to die. What kind of life is that? Anyway, all that is another topic along with religion which I wont get on to as it's messy.

Anyway, I could never have said I hope that she holds on a couple more months just so Xmas isn't ruined each year to anyone. But I did say it to Sam and she said it was normal to think like that and was not unusual that I didn't want Xmas ruined for everyone. Please don't send me loads of hate comments now.

So I explained that it was nice to have that someone I feel I can be more honest with. Someone to listen and reassure me. I go to counselling so I can speak to someone where I am normal. Does that make sense?

So we talked more about why I was there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to address everything. Sam said it was a busy time for me and I am dealing with a lot anyway. So if I wanted I could stop going and re-visit when things have settled down. There were 2 things I brought up with this...

1) I am going to be a Social Worker. Things are never going to settle down. I am going to be in a demanding job with a lot of pressures on me. I thought that maybe it would be better now for me to address things while I am still being closely supervised. And, that when is it the right time for these things???

2) Goes back to my massive fear of hospitalisation. I feel that by going a long with what they want means that I am less likely to be made to go in to hospital or be sectioned. Me going to counselling and seeing Dr T and taking the meds shows I am engaging. Basically I know the self harm isn't going to stop any time soon. So what happens if/when I rock up at the ED. I then turn round and say "no, I am not seeing those people, I am not going to take medication, I am not going to see a Dr and I have tried counselling, have decided it's not the right time for me and to be honest I don't really like counselling". My thoughts on this are that they are going to think that they will be left with no other option than to put me in hospital.

Picture it. I am being assessed by the crisis team or by Nurseman Mike. NMM has already said it is out of hand. He contacted the duty Psych before as he thought I was heading towards admission. He contacted Crisis team and made them come see me the next day at the appointment with Dr. They ask me what I have in place at the moment and I say I had but I stopped attending and taking meds. They are going to go for section aren't they?

 No matter what people tell me about not having to go to counselling, not having to take the meds, not having to go see a Psychiatrist. I do! Yes, I could stop seeing them. But I know it's only a matter of time before I am back at the ED after cutting and being assessed again. So I feel as though I am told I have a choice in all of this. Well I don't really do I? Where is that choice?

I know I sound a bit mad here as I have been saying that I want to self harm because I enjoy it. But, even though I have just written about the negative sides or the possible repercussions of it. Yet I still want to. So maybe perhaps there is more than just wanting to and enjoying it.

Fuck. Now I am confusing myself and I am back to square minus 100. Sam keeps telling me I have come on a long way. I really don't see it. I don't see what good counselling will do for me. Maybe I am scared to stop. But of what? Failure? Not having an outlet. I think I have just gone and totally confused myself here. I need to stop thinking!!!!