Something That Has Been Annoying Me...

I am quite upset with one of my friends. Seems as though she has organised a birthday weekend away with all my other friends and I have not been invited. I am actually quite hurt by it. I always try to think the best of people and think that maybe she thinks that with me having broken my ankle I am still in cast and therefore wouldn't be able to make it. But even if that were the case it would have been nice to have been asked. Especially as I think I am the only one out of the group not going.

I've not mentioned it to anyone else, but it really has been playing on my mind. I am upset by it. Also I blame myself. Last time I went out with her I did get very drunk and fall over and break something. She probably just thinks I am a liability which could ruin her night. So on top of being hurt by it all at not being asked I blame myself for it also.

I have written about friends before. I would say that I am the one who has to initiate contact with all but a couple of my friends. Those in the same group would never contact me to see how I am, or what's going on. I am the one who always calls or texts. A couple of years ago I decided I had had enough and I stopped contacting any of them. It was over a year before I made contact again. And truth be told I only re made contact as Gom had said he wanted to break up and I needed people around me. I thought I need people to go out with now. So when Gom initially said he wanted to break up in the September I then got in contact with 2 of them and made it out to be all me that had decided not to be in contact etc and that was cos of stuff going on.

I do care about Raq. But even she will not be one to make contact with me. I was in hospital for 4 nights and the only people that came to see me were my mum and my brother. They all knew where I was. The same when I was housebound for the week after. No one bothered to come see me. I don't even think I got any messages.

It really does make me think why I bother. What am I getting out of these so called friendships? But then what do I give. No one contacts me and they are all closer to another so it's not as though I can give advice or be a good friend really. I think about friends and I feel that I don't have anyone I could be totally honest with. I don't have a "best friend" and there is no one I would call when I am having a crisis. I go straight to my brother.

Is it me? What do I need to do? I try and keep in contact by calling and texting but I don't get replies. I am not exactly a ball of laughs to be around but wouldn't a true friend want to be with you anyway?

I feel as though I am growing away from them. Should I embrace that or should I work even harder?