New CPN/CCO

I say new but I've never had one before. So not like new as in I had an old one but new as in I have one. I'll name her Beth.

So I met Beth at my GP surgery for he appointment. She kept going on about how it will be short term and what work we will do together. She asked about work I do with Sam and in typical psych fashion asked me about my past and if Sam and I discussed that. I told her how I felt about counselling that I didn't really see any improvement but I found it useful to talk to someone about self harm and I didn't feel like I was shocking someone.

She asked me about the relationship with my family and friends and I explained that it was a good one but I am not open with anyone. I don't like telling people about my thoughts and feelings. I didn't say this but I feel sometimes my thoughts and feelings are possibly maybe out of context and I worry about what people would think if I was open with them.

She asked about patterns with self harm and my moods. I said that there was no trigger and that even when you would expect me to be a mess I am not and I can hold it together. She asked if it was converse and I said not, it was just that there is no pattern to how I am feeling. She asked me what I thought about the self harm etc. I said I was worried that when I am on another low the thoughts of suicide become more prominent. I feel more worthless. When I am relatively stable the thoughts are still regular but not in the way that I am certain I would act on them. When I am lower it is when it is more likely I would act on them. I also mentioned about how I didn't feel that my current methods of self harm were a problem and I wasn't over bothered about them. I don't see it as serious and I don't get why people get in a tiz about it all. I said I wasn't even sure if I wanted to address it. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop the self harm. I then went on to say how I felt forced in to somethings as I keep saying no to so much that they are going to force something on me if I don't comply. If I withdraw from services, stop taking medication and rock up in the ED I think it's a sure fire route to Hospitalville on a section 2/3.

Beth kept saying how no one was forcing me to see her. I said I knew that but I still felt as though I didn't have so much choice as there was only so much I will comply with.

She kept trying to push PD services. I don't know how many times I have explained everything to people. If I am honest today just felt like a repetitive session. I just said everything I have said before to other people. I was quite frustrated by it if I am honest.

She did say one thing that did make sense though, kind of, in a way. She said possibly in my not speaking to anyone about anything about thoughts and feelings that perhaps the self harm is a release from what is going on in my head. It's my talking and sharing. I did kind of see some sense in that. I have been looking for some answers about it for a while but her simple analogy here made some sense. She asked what self harm was like. I explained how is a habit. I explained how I have never stopped my self so I don't know what would happen if I did. I suppose that has to do with me being quite mind set on things. If I have my mind set on something then no one can change my mind about things.

Anyway. We discussed the main reason for me having her for a short period of time. That main reason is to try and build some support around crisis situations. I have said numerous times I wont call crisis team when I am going to self harm. The reasons being are that I self harm nearly every night, and that I can't stand the phone. I hate speaking to people on the phone and if I am going to speak about something so personal I need to know the person, and I need to do it face to face and slowly so I can gauge their facial reactions. Like with Sam, I may even spread things out over a couple of appointments. So I don't see how the crisis team can help me.

So, all in all today was I feel a bit repetitive. I suppose in one way the having a possible reason about the self harm has been beneficial. But who knows.

I see Sam tomorrow. I am appointment, appointment, appointment at the moment. I am finding it hard to keep on track with things as I am here there and everywhere.

I'll write again possibly tomorrow after appointment with Sam.
xxx