Feeling Gross

I really am feeling a big fat horrible ogre. None of my clothes seem to fit and I look awful in everything. It's my own fault. My diet since Xmas has been awful and I have probably put on about a stone and a half since then. I can't stop with the binge eating. And it's not healthy stuff I am binging on, it's stuff like crisps and chocolate. I feel horrible. I look in the mirror and I can notice it, so other people are bound to. My clothes are getting tighter also. I put a blouse on last week and it was too tight on the arms.

The thing is the worse I feel the more I eat. It's not good. It doesn't help that my kitchen is in my living room so it's so easy just to go into the fridge. I went shopping the other day and brought lots of veg and some fruit but I still end up getting extras from other shops as I am so close to other shops. I live above a shop!

I've been reading about hypno-bands and have wondered if I can get them on the NHS. I am going to make an appointment with my GP about it anyway. I don't really want diet pills as I have heard they can cause you to have more than urgent bowel needs. And being as though I already have bowel problems I think they could cause some potentially very embarrassing incidents.

I have talked about it before but my weight is something that does really bother me. I have never actually talked about this with the psychologist or anyone really. And I don't want to. I want to leave it with my GP.

So there's that.

Also I have a meeting with my CPN tomorrow. I am dreading it. I think my psychologist will have mentioned that I did something that I thought would end my life. I think she may press me to tell me more. I can't remember the last time I saw her if I had moved house or not. I don't think I had. Also, I was also supposed to have done some work on an Advanced Directive. I did plan on doing it this evening. I know, cutting it fine considering the last time I saw her was about 4-5 weeks ago. But, I haven't done it. And I really don't feel like doing it. I know doing things like that can be quite triggering for me and I feel if I go and do something like that tonight I will end up seriously self-harming as I will be triggered too much. And, I can't be arsed. That's the gist of it really. I am a lazy, fat cow.

I have no motivation at all at the moment. I am not really sure what I spend my time doing other than watching TV on the sofa all day. I rarely go out. I don't like going out. I am not sure where my nearest council gym is. I am not sure if I could get there easily. And even if I could I am not sure I have the confidence to go. I don't.

The hallucinations and irrational paranoia are still happening. Two new things on that front. Was laying in bed last night and it seemed as though paint just started pouring down the walls. Was really weird. Lasted quite a few seconds this time also. Longer than usual ones. And then Tuesday night, I was washing up, I was feeling quite anxious and paranoid anyway and the door bell went. I don't know who I thought it was but I knew I didn't want to answer it. So I hid. From one side I am 3 floors up, so you'd need a bloody great big ladder but I didn't feel safe in that room, and in the other room, you would still need a step ladder as of the blind I have permanently closed over half the window as it is on the ground floor and my bedroom is next to the front door of the block of flats. So I didn't feel safe in there either. There is one little space in my flat that is under the flat's above me stairs which is in like it's own little area and I hid in there. I was in there about half an hour. The door went a couple of times but there was no way I could open it.

I don't know who it was as if it was anyone I know they would have called me as well or after to let me know they had tried to come round. Maybe was just a door to door sales person. Who knows.

So I am going to ask her, the CPN to get me something for what's happening. I am really struggling with it. It's happening most days the hallucinations and the extreme paranoia a couple of times a week and just normal level paranoia, such as there's a camera in my smoke alarm, who the hell is watching me type of paranoia, well that happens most days also. I can't deal with it!