So I've actually done it. I have called my doctors and asked for an appointment with a female GP.
It's ridiculous. It's like the binge eating crap is like an addiction. I was really craving earlier and I just had this one thought going through my head which was "come on, just one day manage without, you can manage one day, get through one day". I was speaking to myself as though I was some kind of addict needing alcohol or drugs.
I can't let food rule my life like this. I am trying to be healthier with my main meals. Making sure I eat a lot of veg. And today I started off well with a boiled egg and toast for lunch with an apple as a snack. Then it just went down hill when I went to the shop to buy more veg for dinner. Ended up coming away with Daim bars and shortbread slices. It sounds awful, but I wish I could bring myself to actually make myself throw it all back up. Sorry if anyone with a ED reads this and thinks I am looking at it from a rose tinted glasses point of view. I'm not. I don't know first hand how an ED can ruin a persons life but I have a pretty good idea how a mind can be distorted and you feel it controls you. I get this from the self-harm. It controls me. It takes over my thoughts. This is ruining my life though. I don't want to live like this.
It's bothering me more now than it has done previously as I feel I have lost control and also because I have recently tried to take my life which didn't work. One failed attempt of many. I can't get it right. I know I don't have the balls to go through with a more violent/messy method. So I just keep trying to figure out the right concoction of pills to take and in what amounts. But I have tried so many times now that I don't think I will be able to get it right unless I can get some meds abroad where you don't need prescriptions. And, being as though I am not planning on any trips in the near future, that's not likely to happen. So until I do come up with another method that I think will work. I have to live like this. And why shouldn't I at least try and be a little more happy with one aspect of my life. Maybe if I was thinner I would have more confidence and I would be happier in general.
I don't know. Does it sound like I am talking sense or does it sound as though I have this idea stuck in my head and it's all I am focusing on that if maybe if I could change this one thing my whole life will be one happy joyful life? Am I being delusional about it?
About Me
- Kat Moss
- Well, what can I say without giving too much away about who I am. I suppose firstly I should say why I am writing a blog. It's for my own benefit really. I like looking back through old things I have written about and it makes me rememeber it. I have an awful memory and it's good to look back and see how I felt about something or even something happening. I used to keep a diary when I was younger but fear of it being found and also the amount of time it took me to write in it meant that I didn't really write in it that often. But, it was good to look back on things and see how things were at the time. I don't know how many people, if any will read this. I would like to think people would read it and I can remain totally anonymous. If I can't be honest on here then where can I be. No one knows me on here, no one knows I keep a blog so I have that security.
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