I'm Scared

I'm scared it's all happening again with me. The way I feel and my thoughts are really disturbing. I am swallowing razors in the hope they do something and all I think about it when and how I can do something that will end my life. People, like my family think I am getting better and I don't want them to think any different but I don't think I can continue like I am. I recognise that I am having the same thoughts as I was having when I was seen as needing to be on a PICU. I have looked at blogs from this time last year when I was moved to the local PICU from out of town one and the memories of how I was then and comparing them to how I am now are similar.

I can't tell anyone about the self-harm as then my CPN or Psychologist will have to break confidentiality and tell my parents and I don't want them knowing. I would also be forced in to going to the ED and maybe staying over night and I can't face that.

As I said before I am using maladaptive coping mechanisms at the moment. One I have talked about previously is getting completely wasted and kissing loads of men. Another is I am binge eating crap. It's a comfort thing and it's not good. I am already feeling shit about my weight but then go and eat more. It's a vicious circle.

If I told anyone my plans then I'd probably end up being sectioned again. I probably need to be back in hospital at the moment. But I'm not going. Not this time. I can't cope with all the admissions. People finding out and being embarrassed by it as yet again I have failed at something.

I keep going around and around in the same circle. Feeling ok-ish for a bit, not long. But then getting depressed again and feeling suicidal and battling with self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts. The psychologist tries to get me to focus on the ok parts when I am depressed, saying that I should know it's a circle so I will come out of it. But I also know that it's a circle and I will go back in to it. I hate living like this. The ok parts seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

My CPN, Psychologist and OT think I am doing really well. Only because I hold back a lot. There's no way I'll be telling them about the swallowing stuff. That's not a sign I am doing well. I've only been out of hospital about 6 weeks, if that and I feel as though I am heading back there again and I am scared. It's pretty obvious I can't cope in the real world. Maybe they were right when they were thinking low secure? I'm a danger to myself and can't keep myself safe so perhaps I need to be in an environment where I have limited options.

I'm only at the preliminary planning stage at the moment and have nothing set in stone but those plans are being made and it is not a good sign. I don't know what to do.

Nearly Over

Yay. It's nearly over for another near. I really am not a fan of xmas.

Not Coping That Well

The home situation sucks big time. My Dad continues to get to me and can't stand being around him. My brother said it is bullying. I had a go at him the other day for mocking me and told him it was getting to me big time amongst other things and he just said if that is bothering you then you really do have issues. Nice. So he hasn't stopped.

Then I also have problems with my Mum and her drinking. The other night we had 4 police officers round who arrested my Mum because my Dad had called them. She got mega pissed and started laying in to my Dad hitting him and shouting at him about this woman that he slept with while they were broken up. It was 1am and I was asleep to be woken to my Dad shouting at me to come sort her out. He tried to go in the spare room but she just kept going after him. I had to physically restrain her and was shouting at her to stop and be more rational but she wasn't having any of it. My Dad kept saying if she didn't leave him alone he was going to call the police. It got to the stage where I couldn't take it any more and I ran out the house got in to the car and drove off. I got less than half a mile away and saw a police car on blues going in the opposite direction. I knew that he had called them then. I turned around and sure enough as I got home there were two police cars parked up outside my house. Two were at the front door and two were in next doors front garden, they had got the wrong house. Luckily I managed to stop them before they went knocking on the neighbours door. As I got to the door one of the police officers went "hey, I know you" to me. He was one of the ones who came round that night when I was put on a S136. I just told him to shut his mouth as this really wasn't the time for reunions.

So the police came in and two went up to my mum. She started going on at them saying how they couldn't do this to her in her own house etc etc. In the end she was handcuffed and taken away. I called my brother and he came over and he said he wanted to go down to the police station. I didn't really want to go. But because he had also been drinking as was a works night out I was the only one who could drive. I didn't think there would be much point in going down to the station as the officers had said she'd be there until the morning when she had sobered up. But, my brother wanted to talk to the police. So at 02.30am we were at the police station. The custody Sergeant said she was given the option of going somewhere else like to my brothers but she couldn't remember his house number or phone number so they took her to the police station. They said she would be released on the condition that she went back to my brothers house until she had sobered up. I was quite pissed off if I'm honest. I was hoping she would be kept there all night and wake up sober in a police cell and face the cold stark reality of it all and the humiliation of it being sober and being in police custody.

The next morning when I saw her she was a bit of a mess and said she was sorry. I didn't really know what else to say other than it wasn't on. My Dad had said to me the previous night that he was sick of it as was happening 3-4 nights a week and he ends up sleeping on the bathroom floor as he can lock himself in. He also said she has been hiding alcohol in the house and drinking after he has gone to bed.

My other brother called me the next day and we talked about it and he said that my Mum had said she was not going to drink anymore. The next day I am asked to go to Tesco and buy £80 worth of Tesco finest wine as she has these clubcard vouchers that were due to expire. She said it was for Christmas. So I bring 10 bottles of wine home. I am not happy about this. And with due cause. Only last night less than a week after the event they both are steaming drunk. They had been out for lunch so had been drinking then and had had at least 4 bottles of wine when they got home. And the same thing happens again last night. The police weren't called this time but I could hear her having a go at him again and then falling all over the place. It didn't escalate as far this time but it's still bad.

I'm dealing with this on top of all my own shit. In particular what happened when I was 15. I re read some of the blogs from around the time I told the psychologist what happened when I went on holiday and now I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking how I could have done more and then I have nightmares about it. Its funny how little things stay in your mind. I even remember what colour underwear I was wearing that day and how there was blood afterwards.

I had an appointment with the psychologist on Thursday and told him about what has been going on and he had that look on his face again. I told him about the nightmares I had been having recently because of it and how some of it was sending me into having anxiety attacks that could hit at any time. I have been getting massive urges to self-harm and I really don't know how I have not done so far. I was really fighting back the tears which he noticed and he kept saying how it was safe to cry there. All I could think about was not doing as it would make my make-up run and I was going someplace else after. We talked more about crying and I told him how I am not really a crier. Not over things like that. I always stop myself. Yet at things like TV programmes I can cry a little. But I always stop myself. I don't like crying.

I've not really used effective techniques at coping recently. I have been going out with my friends and getting blind drunk. So much so I can't remember parts of the evening. I have been kissing many random men in clubs. I went out Saturday night and my friend had to tell the bar staff to stop serving me as I was so drunk. In the end she put me in a taxi. I got lost on my own bloody road and seriously considered going home with someone who just happened to be walking past as I was stumbling home. Sunday morning I am woken by my parents as there is a police man at the door saying he had come to check I was ok as there had been a call from me. I am sure I didn't do it and I checked my phone and there was no calls made so I am really puzzled there. I text my friend about the night before asking her questions and I asked her if there had been any men and she said I had barely come up for air all night. I can't remember. I could have sworn I didn't meet anyone but she said I did. I know I must have done as there is a random number in my phone.

I met a friend for dinner Thursday night and drank way more than she did. I didn't get blind drunk with memory gaps or even that drunk that you could tell but enough to make me over emotional. When I got home I could not stop crying. That's about the only time I can cry is if I am drunk. I pulled out my favourite soft toys that night and fell asleep hugging them, crying my self to sleep.

Psychologist asked me if I wanted to be dead and I told him yes. He asked me if I had made any plans and I told him no. Which I haven't. But then he said that I probably wouldn't tell him even if I had as of all this thing with when they have to break confidentiality. He asked me if I wanted to be back in hospital and I said yes but I can't. I can't keep using it to run away from real life at the problems are still going to be there when I get out so I may as well try and deal with it. Life was so much easier when I was in hospital. I don't think I can put up with all of this for much longer. If it continues it's just going to eat away at me until I end up doing something about it. And not in a good way. Again he made me promise I would see him for our next appointment which is not for another month.

I hate Christmas and this year I am dreading it even more so than usual. With everything that's been going on and the way I am I can tell it's not going to be a happy Christmas for me. I need to get out this house as soon as possible. It's really not helping me. When I was in hospital they didn't want to let me go back to this environment and I kept saying it was fine and I could deal with it. But I can't. Not with everything else that is going on in my life.

I see my CPN on Thursday. She knows a bit about the situation in the past and I am hoping she will have read the notes from the session with the psychologist so I can go over things with her. I need out now!

So Much To Say

I know I need to blog. I have so much to talk about but I keep putting it off cos I have so much to say.
I had another appointment with Psychologist today. He made me promise I would see him in 4 weeks for our next appointment. Yes, things are that bad again. But I will probably be seen as pathetic for what has been going on for letting it make me feel like that.

I will try to get around to writing properly tomorrow night when my head is more clear (alcohol and tiredness tonight).

xxx

Regression

I feel as though I am being regressed back in to a teenager. And the reason for this is my father. He is driving me insane. Well, more insane. His whole attitude and the way he is with me is really getting to me. He is condescending towards me, expects me to run around after him, tells me what to do and mimics me. It is seriously driving me insane. I try and avoid it by staying in my room but even still I am on edge all the time he is home as I am just waiting for him to start. I need to move out and as soon as possible.

I saw the psychologist today and talked to him about it. He said he didn't like hearing me talk about what was going on as it seemed as though my father was being cruel. I said it wasn't intentional and I don't think he knows he is doing it. He said I should talk to him about it but I don't see a lot of point. It won't change anything so why have a difficult conversation I don't want to have for nothing. There was a point last week where I was on the sofa and he came in and just told me to move. And then mimicked me when I replied that I was sitting there, what I was watching was nearly over and I would be going to my room when it was. I didn't get all teenagery on him but I did snap a bit and say that he was driving me mad with his constant digs and what he was doing and he was like "well I am not doing anything, stop being so sensitive".

I told the psychologist that all of this no matter how small was adding to my anxiety and I spend the whole time he is in on edge just waiting for it. He said he could see how this would be the case. And, because of the anxiety the strength of the urges to self harm were becoming stronger. I have not self harmed at all in the last 2 weeks since coming out of hospital. The urges haven't been that strong but they are getting stronger each day. I said I had been trying out the DBT stuff and what I felt comfortable with and he said it's important I stick with it and keep practising it even when I don't have urges so that it becomes second nature to me. I said it all felt like just sticking a plaster on it and not getting to the route cause of things and he said sometimes you need a plaster as will stop other things and the self harm from getting worse as in the past I have done some pretty serious life endangering shit and nearly died when I had a bowl perforation last year that required emergency surgery. The DBT stuff, if I practise it enough should stop me getting back to that stage again.

He asked me if I wanted to die. I said I did think about it still. That there is only so much I can cope with before it gets to that stage where I start to make attempts and that I feel that there is only so far I will go with trying before I think it's not going to work and can not see a point any more. He said I was talking like it was inevitable that that was going to happen. I said I wasn't sure. I know it comes in cycles for me. So maybe it is. At the moment I do have some energy to put into all of this but there will probably come a point where I lose that and lose all hope. I've re read my blog recently and have seen that there is the cycles that come around quite often.

I don't want to be the person who self-harms. I don't want to rely on it. I don't want to have the urges. It's one thing learning how to cope with the urges but I don't want them there at all. And that is one of the things that makes me feel suicidal. I have been told the urges may never go away but I may be able to learn how to cope with them. I don't want to be just able to cope with them. I don't want them. Am I seriously going to have to live my whole life like this? I don't want a life like that. A life of struggling. A life of anxiety. Learning how to cope with them is just like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound that needs to be sutured. I need suturing. Psychologist thinks it's about control and living at home is not doing me any favours. We talked a bit about when I lived on my own in the past and I said I was self harming more. So moving out, although it will solve some problems is not going to make everything all hunky dory again.

He is only going to see me until March so I will probably only have 4-5 more appointments with him. I don't know if anything will be put in place after. But I am feeling quite anxious about losing him already. I do find talking to him useful as I don't talk to anyone else about the things I talk to him about. He said this needs to change as will not do me any good bottling it up and like a pressure cooker I may explode. I don't really have long to work on that really. But on the other hand I when I go to the appointments I never know what I want to talk about. Maybe I should write down things through the week leading up to the appointment so I have got a list of things to talk about with him.

Does anyone else have the same problem that I do?

Confidence

Since leaving hospital I have had low confidence. It really knocked my confidence being in so long, so much so I struggled to make phone calls to people I didn't know. I have OT coming round tomorrow and she has asked me to look at the Recovery Colleges courses and there is one on confidence building but I am not sure if I want to do a course like that. I question my own needs and wonder if I need to do one?

But on the other hand, this is going to sound really slaggy, but here I go anyway... I went out on Saturday night. Before I went out I was feeling really shit about myself. I kept looking in the mirror and just feeling massive. More massive than usual. I felt so bad about myself I didn't really want to go out and was feeling quite anxious. I even started doing my usual drink to forget/fall in to oblivion which usually has disastrous consequences. We were meeting people I didn't know which didn't help either as I had not met them before and wondered what they had been told about me. And on the way into town my friends new boyfriend was making jokes about self harm and saying how he has an alter ego on facebook who he makes say things like "my life is going shit so I'm going to put broken glass in my shoes and walk around". Basically just making me feel really shit about it. In one way though I suppose I should have realised that this meant that my friend hadn't told him about me and why or if I was in hospital for so long. But either way, not good for confidence.

I was pleasantly surprised by the guys we met up with. If they noticed I wasn't talking to anyone they made an effort to bring me in to the conversation and I got on really well with them. I was actually starting to have a good time. Then we were in a bar and I got talking to a random guy and we ended up kissing. Then in another bar there was another guy. Then in the club there was about 2 guys. I'm not actually sure as I was very drunk. Very drunk. And while I can't really condone this type of behaviour from myself as it is kind of slaggy, I woke up in a great mood and it did give me a confidence boost as these guys were attracted to me. To start the night feeling so shit about myself and not really wanting to go and very anxious it finished being one of the best nights out I have had in a long time. I woke up with 2 random numbers in my phone and then last night a text from another of them.

Although I was in a good mood yesterday as of the previous night I was hanging and had the red bull shakes. I try and avoid vodka usually as it usually gets me into trouble but I didn't really know what to drink and didn't fancy anything else. So I was drinking double vodka red bulls and a lot of them, and jagerbombs too. No wonder I felt rough until about 7pm last night.

Also, this is my 300th post. Wow. I re read all my blog not so long back and it makes some interesting reading. I can't see any patterns but have seen at times when I have been ill. I think at the moment I am not quite there but I am in recovery. I am trying. I am even trying this DBT stuff which Psychologist is now sneaking in to our sessions. I worry that I will never stop being a self harmer. That when the going gets tough I will look to take an easy way out by trying to kill myself. That this disease is always going to be with me and is me. I feel I am defined by it at the moment and it is what I am.

I am trying to make positive, sensible plans and to move forward.
I am just not sure if I have the capabilities to do so.

Finding The Words To Say

I realise I've not posted in a while. It's not because nothing has happened but because I have struggled to put it in to words. I have had two psychology sessions since I last wrote and I have no chance of remembering details.

Well to start off with I am now out of hospital, as of today. It was a planned admission (kind of, in the way that once I agreed to go in we planned it) of three weeks. If I am honest I didn't want to come out. I told them this also. I said I don't feel any better than when I came in and I am still having the same suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm as I was when I was admitted and I don't feel as though I am any better equipped to deal with them. Whilst in hospital I self harmed seriously twice. Once which I wrote about before which was swallowing the battery and the second time I cut up quite badly, blood let, swallowed the needle and razor and popped a load of paracetamol but I was found before I took the paracetamol. I'm not proud of myself. I feel so let down with myself. I had tried so hard to keep on top of the urges and not do anything. It also pissed the staff off as I had spent some time talking in detail and getting stuff sorted out the same day and she said she felt as though she had wasted her time.

She did lend me this really good book about self-harm and the reasons behind why people do it and I was able to identify with a lot of the reasons and although I found the beginning bit really triggering it also made me feel as though I wasn't alone and helped me understand myself a bit more. The book is Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from Dbt and Other Treatments. I only read the first 6 chapters and didn't actually get on to the overcoming it and skills part but I have brought my own copy off Amazon for £10 so if you self harm it may be worth giving it a look.

So if I go back to two weeks ago the session with the psychologist. He said it was really good to see me. Even though it was only a few days after a massive OD and the 136. Just going off tangent a little the AMHP called psychologist to get his advice about me. Thought that was weird that's all. Anyway. I told him how I had been giving this mindfulness stuff more of a go and had been using YouTube for guided stuff and he became really smug. Bastard. Nah, only joking, but he did get quite smug and I told you so.

This week we talked a lot about DBT techniques. I think he's secretly giving me DBT now. And I've got a load of exercises to do and rate them all every day before next week. I'll probably just end up making most of it up. I am not very good with "homework". I use the sessions to spill my guts out and then forget about them. I don't tend to take much from them. I know if I am going to get better then I need to take more from them. He did most the talking today though. I told him my worries about going home and even before I am at home I find myself making plans to kill myself and he seemed to think all this DBT stuff was the answer. That and filling my time. There's probably a reason why as a psychologist he's probably on around £50k a year, and maybe, just maybe he has some method behind what he is saying. And me being me refuses as usual to listen. Maybe I should actually give the stuff a go.

I've also decided I am moving out as living with my parents is just toxic for me. I am constantly on edge, tis not a good place to be. I was assessed by tenancy support workers from Rethink today to see if they will take me on. I suppose I will find out next week at some point. My CPN is going to try and get me in supported living and what the TSW is try and get me higher priority on council listings so I am given a better chance when I bid for properties. I don't know what it means for uni though as I won't be given housing benefit if I am a student. I really don't want to give up the course. It is something I am really worrying about. I will speak to my CPN when I see her next week.

I'm having massive urges right now and am reluctant to sign off because this is keeping me occupied, but I have run out of things to say.

Thanks
xxx

What's Best For Me??????? Tell Me!!!!!

I am still struggling on. I am wondering about what the point of being in hospital is doing for me. I am not sure my parents would want me back though. Not after what I put them through only a week ago. I don’t blame them if they wouldn’t. I need to move out and asap. I am meeting with Beth my CPN tomorrow before my ward review and hopefully we can have a good discussion about me moving out as she is supposed to help me with things like this. I haven’t told my parents yet. I am a bit nervous about it.

I am not sure about moving out in some respects. I wonder if some kind of supported living may be best initially. Would it make me less likely to harm and attempt if there was someone around but giving me the space I need no questions asked. Things like shopping and the whole living side I don’t need support with, I can do all that I have done it before. It’s the support side and having someone there when needed if I need them. I don’t have anyone in my family that I can talk to like that either.

I spoke to the doctor yesterday about how I am feeling and she said I should try the group things and how can I say I won’t like them when I haven’t even tried them. She has a point but I really don’t have a good feeling about it and I really don’t think I would get on in a group. It took me I don’t know how long to feel comfortable with the psychologist never mind a new group leader and then the other people that attend it. How do I know I can trust them? I don’t, do I? They’re not bound by the same code of ethics and confidentiality. I just don’t know if I can face it. Then I have the problem I see of what if I later come across these people in my future career? What if I can open up then it later turns out I become the social worker of one of them or they come across me professionally. They will know far too much information about me.

I am really reluctant to go and even try it. I also worry I will lose my current psychologist if I do as I suppose I would be seen as no longer needing his input. I think he is already thinking that I am not getting much from the sessions as he has asked me a couple of times in what the point in continuing the work with him was? I don’t know what to say. I like seeing you isn’t really a good enough reason. I need more than that. I don’t know what it is that makes me like seeing him. I suppose it’s the only time I get to speak openly and honestly about how I am feeling. I should be getting that on the ward but I’m not really. I don’t like to bother the staff with what I am thinking and feeling. As I have been reminded numerous times there are 17 other patients on this ward they have to look after. All I get told is to sit in the communal areas where they can keep an eye on me and being around other people will help. But it doesn’t it makes me worse. If those people, well there’s just 2, weren’t highly manic and getting in my face with it maybe it would help but when I have them shouting stuff at me it’s not exactly helpful. So I end up in my room on my own with my thoughts and feelings going around and around in my head and sometimes I act on them. Then I get into trouble.

But then being at home is just as bad. I am on my own with no one to talk to and have to put up with my parents. I don’t know if I am more likely to act on them. I thought my parents were a protective factor, but judging by my actions last week that shows that is not the case. So I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what’s best for me. I get the feeling my community team thinks I should be in hospital and the inpatient team don’t think I should be. I am just stuck in the middle. I don’t think anyone knows what isbest for me. Does anyone????

Busted

The band 6 came into me this morning, knelt down besides me and asked me straight out if I'd had the battery. He said he knew my history and I'd also mentioned to staff that I was struggling with urges of self harm.

I admitted that I swallowed it but it said there was no way I was going to the ed. So he searched my room for anything else and any fizzy drinks saying I wouldn't be allowed them until it had passed and they wanted me to collect my stools each time so someone could examine them. I don't think so! It's probably gone now anyway. It's been more than 24hours.

I'm getting quite bored and frustrated on the ward. I'm ready to hit someone!

Stupid Me

I've gone and done something stupid again. I couldn't help myself. And I can't tell anyone as part of the deal of me being here is I tell someone when I have these feelings and work through them with someone. So if I tell someone I'll get kicked out as of not sticking to my care plan.

I swallowed a battery. Quite serious stuff again. I'm hoping I can hide it but when they come to use tv remote they'll figure out battery is missing and probably look to me first. I've hidden the remote though.

What am I doing? I say I want help and I don't want to be like this but go and do it anyway. I'm so stupid. This is all I'm ever going to amount to be. I can't control anything in my life. It's beyond stupid. I really hate myself. I hate being this person. Why can't I just be normal?

This Is Me!

I’ve been questioning a lot of things recently. Should I have really been discharged back in August? Was I really ready? I mean, would all this be happening now? Would I have only cut and swallowed a needle and razor less than two weeks after being discharged? Also, am I receiving the right support?

Maybe when they wanted to refer me to low secure they were right in doing so. Maybe I would have been better there? Would I have been? Would they have been able to help me? If I wasn’t so “intelligent” (as I have been told many times by professionals, personally I don’t see it, or what that has to do with it, do intelligent people not get ill, errrr Stephen Fry anyone?) would I have not been able to just talk my way out of it. Which I kind of did. I just said I was more aware of triggers and when I am about to go into crisis point and can pin point it. But I’m not really. I don’t see any improvement. The only thing I can do is talk to staff about how I feel and that has gone from being 24/7 to an hour a week. Not even that.

I don’t have an honest open relationship with my CPN as I feel she breaks my confidentiality. And now as of this confidentiality thing, which I do get and I do understand I feel I can’t be honest with anyone. Even the psychologist who before when I was an inpatient I was. Well he knew as he would have read it in my notes as I felt I was able to tell staff if I had harmed without them reporting it to my parents. So I would be able to debrief with him about it. Now I don’t feel I can tell anyone or debrief with anyone about it without it getting back to my parents as they are my carers. When I was admitted last night I even lied to the doctor about when I had last seriously self harmed by swallowing. I told him it was about 3 weeks previous when in reality it was only a week, if that. And I told him that resus took an x-ray of my abdomen while I was there and nothing showed up. I told him that just so he wouldn’t follow it up by making me go back to hospital and then that getting back to my parents.

I have an OT worker and we kind of skirt around the issue of self harm but she is not someone I would disclose to anyway. I talk to her about how what I am doing affects my mood and what works and what doesn’t. Not urges and what increases and decreases them.

The psychologist I see every 2 weeks now. When I was first an inpatient I used to see him twice a week. He said he could see improvement as did some of the ward staff but personally I can’t see it. I feel so deflated that I have spent the last year in hospital and I am still in the same position if not a worse one as before at least my parents were a protective factor but the massive OD of tricylics I took on Tuesday shows that that isn’t the case anymore.

And that’s another thing that’s really bothering me. My memory of events. I remember being at the bridge. I remember hanging up on crisis team and driving home. I remember making myself a juice and the police arriving and them persuading me to go to the 136 voluntarily kind of. Well to voluntarily leave the house so they could put me on a 136. But I don’t remember the 136 experience or who was there. I had a sleeping pill while I was there. I do remember that. And I remember asking what time the assessment would be on the Tuesday and being told about 12pm. But I don’t remember waiting for the assessment, what was asked of me or what the outcome was. Well obviously it was to let me go but I don’t remember leaving or getting home. I do remember that the AMHP was the one who originally assessed me back in August 2011 and put me on a S.2. But that is it. I remember popping the pills. And my brother climbing on to my balcony to get to me as I wouldn’t answer to door. I was in bed with my iPod in so I claimed I didn’t hear the door or my phone. He didn’t believe me. I said I wasn’t going to talk and he said he wasn’t going anywhere and would be downstairs until my parents got back as they were on their way back from holiday as of what happened as the AMHP had contacted them (actually I remembered arguing about this with him saying he didn’t have to unless was application for S.3 he was putting in and if he had read my notes he would have seen how having my parents involved makes things worse for me). Then the next thing I know I am in the kitchen and the dog is looking at me weirdly like she does when she knows I have done something wrong. Then next thing I know I am outside on my hands and knees looking for my phone, bag, keys etc. The back door is locked I know that so somehow I know I have managed to lock the door after me. Then I am sitting between the car and van in the driveway thinking I’ll just stay there, in plain view of the whole street. Clever thinking there. Muppet!

Then I hear my Mum shout is anyone there? I say me. They ask if I have been drinking and I say no. I haven’t. But I feel like I have had a litre of vodka. I am spinning and I can’t see straight. They ask me to go sit in the lounge with them and tell me it’s 3am and did I hear them coming in my room to keep checking on me I said no. So they kept asking me if I had taken anything and I said no. Then I said yes. They kept asking how many paracetamol and I said none but it was as though they didn’t believe me. So they said they were going to call and ambulance and I begged them not to and they said they had to. My Mum asked me to go outside with her while she had a cigarette don’t know where my Dad went. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. They wouldn’t let me though. I put a pillow on my Mum’s lap and rest my head in it and then my Dad has lifted me on to the floor. The next thing I know I am in the back of an ambulance and there is a knock at the door and the paramedic said they are ready to go and was one of them coming and they said no! My next memory is them taking my watch off and I moaned about it. And they kept giving me sternum rubs to wake me up but I couldn’t wake up. I could feel the pain, and man they are painful, but my body would not respond. The next thing I know I am asked to move myself between the trolley and a bed on the ward so I must have been conscious at this point. I must have lost it again as woke to another sternum rub and them telling me they were going to put a tube down my throat as I wasn’t breathing properly. But that must have done something to me as they never did that.

The next day was a bit of a blur until the evening also. I remember waking up in the morning but couldn’t keep my eyes open. Every time I closed them I imagined something happening or someone but then opening them and nothing had happened. Then I saw my CPN and another lady and she smiled at me. I thought I imagined it. But then the nurse came back with them and said I had to get out of bed and go with them. I only had a gown on and just pulled the sheets off me and tried to get into my jogging bottoms not caring who saw my half naked body. So embarrassing. Especially as my legs are a mass of cuts. They quickly pulled the curtains round. I can’t really remember much of what they asked me but I do remember them saying either I go informally or it will go to a MHA and based on what I had done and already said I would be put on a S.2. So I agreed. I did keep falling asleep while they were assessing me and they kept shouting my name. I don’t think I was medically fit to be assessed really. I was still pretty out of it and being as though I can’t remember it clearly I think I was still drugged up.

It became clearer in the evening and this is where my memory is fully restored to full rather than just flashes.

I have been worrying about all of this and this is more just for my personal recollection of events. But I’ll post it anyway.

I spoke to my CPN today. I said to her I didn’t want to return home as I didn’t feel it was good for me but I don’t know if I can cope on my own on my own so maybe some supported living would be a good idea and she said she would look in to it. I don’t know if I will just use being alone as more of an opportunity to harm myself and not worry about being found if I make an attempt. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I can’t see a way out.

I want a husband, I want babies. One of my best friends told me yesterday she is pregnant, but not to tell anyone yet as she is only 10 weeks. She has only been with the guy since August time but he seems so nice and they seem so right together. But that’s a different matter. But it really got me thinking. Am I ever going to have any of that? I mean really I can’t inflict myself on someone else. What about my kids. What if they turn out like me? I couldn’t cope with that? Am I ever really going to get through this, whatever it is? This is not just a blip. Can’t remember who said that, think was a couple of the nurses on this ward. This is me. This is who I am. It defines me. It’s not a blip. This is the main event. I am going to see all my friends get married, have kids have the 2.4 children and then there will be me, Honorary Aunty who’s got many problems, eternally single, no kids but has seen the world. It’s not fair to inflict this on someone else. This is me. This is what I am!

Back On Psych Ward!

And how am I feeling...? Shit. I don't want to be here. I want to self discharge go out and self harm. I want to ligate. I want to cut. I want to punch someone. Who? I'm not really sure.

But. Trying to remember my rational thinking. This is for the best.

I'm just going to come out with it next Thursday when I see my psychologist and ask him to tell me what to do other than group work. I can't stand this. Maybe I'll ask him for more info on DBT even though is group work. I'm going to make more of an effort with mindfulness stuff. Does anyone else do that? Does it work?

Please help?!!

Continued...

So I last left off worried the police would be looking for me. They were! About 10mins after writing there came a big knock at the door and 2 lovely in every which way policemen came in.

We talked a bit about what happened earlier and how I was feeling now. They said they wouldn't be leaving me alone in the house so my options were going to a friends (which I didn't want to explain why the police had brought me and why I couldn't be alone)), go to the ed which I said I wouldn't do as my next door neighbour is top consultant there and can't risk her seeing me, or putting me on a 136 and going to the 136suite.

I said I wouldn't do any and lots of phone calls were made as they didn't want to leave me but I was in my own home, calm and collected in had nothing to arrest me on. I spoke the girl at 136 I've met a number of times and told her I was feeling. I said that while I was still having massive urges they weren't as bad as before when I was at the bridge. I was lying I just wanted the police to go and me to get some rest as by then they'd been at my house about 1.5 Hours.

They still weren't happy when I'd spoken to 136 and given assurance I'd call back if things got worse. In the end they managed to talk me into going to the 136. They kept saying I was doing the best thing although it wasn't technically a legal 1 as I was in my own home and willing they said I hadn't been willing and had got me while I was out Front having a cig.

So, another mental assessment. This time it was the AMHP who sectioned me the first time back in august 2011. I didn't know the others. Got asked the usual questions I replied with honest answers and said I wasn't sure if could keep myself safe. I wasn't. He also told me he'd spoken to my nearest relatives about what was going on and they were coming back off their holiday because of me. So I was quite upset.

In the end they let me go but can't remember what they said to me. I got home and the first thing I did was take a massive od of my prescription pills. I did this and got into bed. I actually believed being as though tricylic kind it was dangerous and would work well. Next thing I know I'm being woken up by banging on my balcony window. My brother had been called from my parents, told the situation and been told to go round babysit me. He'd climbed onto a wheelie bin, onto my dad's van to get a ladder, over a 7foot tall locked gate to get up to my balcony. I'd had my headphones in so didn't hear the door downstairs.

I said all I wanted to do was sleep and not talk but he said he'd not be going anywhere and would be downstairs when I decided to go down. From here all I've got are flashes of memory.

I remember going downstairs and seeing the dog so I knew parents were back. I was out side on my hands and knees looking for my car keys cos I was worried I dropped them and we'd get broken in to. I'd tried the back door and it was locked. So I had have to have done it somehow. Then my mum shouting if anyone was there and I came forward.  We went back in the house and I'd been asked if I'd been drinking. The experience was exactly like it. I told them I hadn't so they figured out the od bit for themselves.

I remember my dad calling an ambulance and me walking out to it. Then the ambulance man asking one of my parents to come and both said no. Then I have memory of them taking my watch off and the next thing I know I'm waking up on the ward attached to a heart machine. They said I'd been quite poorly and they couldn't get me to regain consciousness.

I was still quite ill the rest of the day hearing and seeing things and thinking I'd done something to open my eyes to be in the same place still.

I remember my CPN coming along with a woman from the DPM. They said they thought I needed to be in hospital again. I said I didn't want to so she said she was going to have to arrange another assessmentt then. She said if I told them what I'd told her they wouldn't let me go. So long story short I've agreed to another informal admission back on to the ward I was on before. Just waiting on a bed at moment so they've kept me on medical ward until it's freed up which should be today at some point.

I'm really going to make an effort for them to help me. Try not to self harm and do all they tell me etc.

Wish me luck.

Yet Another Night Of Struggling

Don't know why I bother calling crisis team. It's not as though they are much help to me. I did my usual going for a drive and ending up by the bridge over the river. I even climbed up in a position. As I looked down I just thought how easy it would be. What held me back though was I wasn't sure if it was high enough.

So that was what made me call them again. I spent nearly an hour on the phone to a woman there but she made me not feel any better or any worse. In the end she said she was going to send the police so I jumped back in my car and came home which is where I am now writing this after about 10 minutes of being home. I hung up on her as she was talking about the police and I was worried if they came they would put me on a 136. So I have come home and now am sat thinking about doing something else. I have had a phone call from the police but didn't answer it, I think they are by the river looking for me. If I am in my own home they can't 136 me. So even though I was more with it by the river I don't want to risk the 136.

Evenings are the worst for me. I don't know why. Does anyone else get that? I think the best thing to do now would be to take about 3 zopiclones and knock myself out for the night. They've not really worked for me the past couple of nights and I have not slept, maybe that makes things worse for me.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I was hoping by writing it may get some things in my head in order but it hasn't really. I guess I'll be chain smoking again. I just hope the police don't turn up at my door.

What Happened

I thought I was going to have a full MHA assessment but that wasn't the case.

I was called in to see my inpatient consultant in the afternoon after being placed on the 5.2 the previous night before. I was asked what I wanted and I said I wasn't sure I wanted to be alive right now, I was having massive urges to self harm and attempt and wasn't sure if I was able to keep myself safe. Yet, I felt that being on the ward was having a negative affect on me as I was struggling with the other patients and when I was on my own I was struggling to do anything to distract myself. I don't know why they bothered asking me what I thought as it appears they had already made the decision to discharge me. They said they were going to let me go, well more of a we don't want you here and we will have crisis team work with you instead. They'll be in contact.

I came away from the ward angry as no practical support was given, but then I suppose I put them in an awkward position also. I did go in informally because I suppose I felt there was nothing else to do. Maybe there is some part of me that doesn't want to die. Well I am almost sure of it. I think it's not that I want to die it's that I don't want to live. Does that make sense?

For a while I was planning on attempting again tonight. I have loads of meds in as the hospital gave me 2 weeks supply (another reason why I think they had already decided before speaking to me as you don't get TTO's that quickly from seeing a doc to leaving the ward) and I had just filled a prescription before I went into hospital. I don't know why I have decided not to. I think some of it is because I am physically unwell also. Unusually so it takes a lot of energy to do something about how I am feeling. And it feels as though someone has been at my throat with 876 razor blades and stuffed my sinuses up. All I have done today is watch TV that TiVo has recorded for me while I was in hospital and ate. Starve a fever, feed a cold and all that. Although now I feel crap for eating so much crap as I want to be healthier. I needed to talk to someone earlier about how I was feeling and so I did call crisis team and they said they are discussing me tomorrow in their MDT meeting and will call me back. But I did do what they said and cooked myself something and had a long soak in the bath and pampered myself a little. Got clean PJ's on and planning on taking a zopiclone to get a good nights sleep.

I have booked a mini holiday for myself. I have booked to go to Whitby for Halloween on my own. It's Goth week there and it's on the coast, so I should be able to get some good pics. I just hope the weather is not wet. I can deal with the cold but cold, wet coastal weather will not be pleasant. I am only going for 3 nights. I feel quite nervous about it. Before I booked it I considered booking a hotel somewhere to go and do the deed as such and I haven't quite decided if I am going to. It's a good opportunity to. But, something in me in the last day has sprung up that wants to fight these suicidal urges. Not sure where it's come from though or how long it will last. But anyway, I am nervous about going. I can go to SE Asia on my own for 3 months and not be bothered but 3 days away on the English coast I am nervous about. What's that all about?

In reply to the comment on the last post about if I was going to do something why not just do it while I was out. Well, while I was out I didn't have the urge and was managing to cope ok. It was while I was back on the ward later that evening (too late to leave) that I began to really not be able to cope with what was going through my head and the other people I was around. One girl in particular, who was manic was really getting to me accusing me of stuff I hadn't done and then another girl who kept going in to my room and going through my things. I couldn't cope with it. It all came to a head and I just had to get out which is why I tried to scale the fence and do a runner. Although me not exactly being that agile was not able to jump over and out run the two blokes who were further up than me and rugby tackled me to the ground.

Is it possible to be manic but feel low still? I think I am having some manic symptoms but feeling low. Racing thoughts, no concentration, no sleep, can't sit still, erratic spending on stupid things. My thing at the moment is pants. I must have brought about 30 pairs of pants in the last 2 weeks. Generally spending a lot of money on things I don't need or particularly want. It's weird. When I have been like this in the past I have usually felt quite high and happy and it's been quite a good experience, except the spending which has got me into trouble. I am not sure what to make of it all really?!

So I will get a phone call from crisis team tomorrow for them to tell me what they want to do with me and I see me CPN Beth on Thursday. Last time I saw her she asked me to consider if I wanted to continue to see her. I have put quite a lot of thought into it. I think I need all the support I can get at the moment and so I think it will be a good idea to continue to see her.

Anyway, I should go upstairs take my zopiclone and try and rest to get rid of this cold.

Night.

xxx

Shit. A Section 5.2

I tried to do a runner. Managed to hop a 4 foot fence not so gracefully or painlessly to have two guys already have beaten me to it and rugby tackle me. This has all led to a 5.2 and waiting a full are you mental enough to be detained assessment tomorrow. I want to leave. Reason being, I don't think being here is helping. Who knows what they'll say tomorrow. I don't think it will be Dr T as he's got clinic so that's a good thing. But at the end of the day the decision comes down to the AMHP. It's them I've got to pursuade that yes, while I am actively suicidal and self harming hospital is not the best place for me. And worryingly I saw my psychologist today and we talked about if I was making plans and I admitted to him I was. He, I assume is under the belief that I need to be here at the moment as a crisis intervention. Not long term like last time but just at the moment. So I'm kind of expecting to be put on a section 2 tomorrow. A 3 if I'm unlucky. I didn't think I'd be able to make the fence. But I did. But now I'm in pain. It was awful. I'd had my hood up so as I was being escorted back to the ward it was like being blindfolded and forced fast. Scary stuff. In the end I agreed to oral medication. I don't really like taking it as it knocks me out the next day. I'm like a zombie on it. Psychologist even said today at 4pm you look like you're falling asleep. On a plus point of the day which nearly made me cry. I was at a soft play area with my nephews (I was informal so could leave during the day) and the 3 year old stopped what he was doing came and sat next to me put his arm round me and said 'I really love you'! I'm so blessed to have such amazing nephews but the way I see it at the moment is they are still at that age where they are so young they won't remember me. So it's kind of now or never. Wish me luck for tomorrow. Xxx

Still Not Going Well

Title says it all really.

Ended up breaking down after an attempt to a nurse. She seemed to know a hell of a lot about me considering I've never had a conversation with her before.

They've basically said to me that if I continue to self harm they'll discharge me. Doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to be here at all. In both senses. So it leaves me with a lot of thoughts. I've never been told if I do what I want to do then I'll be discharged.

Massive urges to cut tonight. And I mean massive. I've got the blade I know exactly where I'd do it and all I can picture is doing it and the feeling of doing it. It's making me feel sick with anticipation. I'll try haloperidol and lorazepam see if that works. I know I need to be stronger. I need to not give in.

I bumped into psychologist in the corridor this morning. He looked shocked to see me and I asked him if he knew I was in and he said he did. Also saw my favourite nurse from when I was on PICU. She gave me pity look that people give when you tell people or people know. Psychologist gives it me every now and then. I don't know if it's genuine or if these people really care and not just because they're paid to. What are other peoples thoughts on that????

Thanks for reading.

I Don't Know How I'm Getting By.

I'm really struggling. I've even tried some of the mindfulness that my psychologist said I need to be doing. But it's made me feel worse. I know you're supposed to acknowledge the thoughts but I can't help but for them to take over. At least when I'm not doing it there is some mild distraction like my music. There. I obviously can distract myself. Maybe crisis team are right?!

But right now all I can think about is trying to hang myself. I've even gone as far as making the lig. The rational normal person in me says hand it in. I know I should. But even if I don't use it tonight I may need it for another so I can't get rid of it.

I've worked out often I'm usually checked and where and when. I know for instance if I lie in bed it's very unlikely I'll get caught out. Or where the lig points are in the room. But that's less likely as if someone does check I'll be seen.

Sorry. I can see what I'm doing here. It doesn't make nice reading. But I've never kept this blog for anyone other than myself. If people do read it and find they don't like it don't read it. It helps me to get how and what I'm feeling down.

I really don't know how I'm surviving being here at the moment. It's not will, it's not wanting to. I really don't know. Maybe there is part of my subconsciousness that believes my psychologist. After all he wouldn't get where he is spouting shit. I'd hope not anyway!

Back From Medical Ward

I had to tell them. I was stood on a bridge ready to jump on to train tracks when someone asked if I was ok. I said I was. Then I thought I don't want someone witnessing it or feeling they could have somehow prevented it by braking sooner etc. I thought if I didn't do something about the OD I wasn't going to be able to hide it and by refusing treatment it would get me sectioned again which I didn't want.

So I called the ward after getting lost on my way back and they sent someone out to meet me and sent me off to hospital in a taxi with an escort. It was horrible. First off they spent over an hour trying to get blood from me as I have crap veins. Then he decides to go for my groin. Ow ow ow. I think I may have even screamed! Then I was told if I don't have treatment that I'd die. Not just have a fucked up liver but I'd die. I said I wanted that anyway but being as though I knew they'd go through the whole process of getting me sectioned and force treatment on me I would have it.

Then the nausea came. Then the throwing up. I'll leave out the details. Just that it wasn't pleasant. And was told to shush by another patient for throwing up too loudly. Lovely!

I was kept in 3nights. The psych ward gave my bed away and also meant I lost my escort. But it meant when they decided I did need a bed I was on the medical ward a night longer than needed to be. They wouldn't let me be discharged yet they let me leave the ward when I wanted. I don't get that.

So today come back to my original psych ward. Great. And I can't help it but I'm already putting stuff in place how I can harm and attempt while I'm here. Not the best way not to end up sectioned is it. But I've gotta win one day. Over 500 suicides occur in UK psych hospitals every year. So well that's my thinking!

Fucked up Even Bigger!

I've done it now. I walked off the ward on pretence I was going for a cig. But I left. Went to Tesco and brought a load of paracetamol and have taken a load. Now if I go back I'm bound to be sectioned. What the hell was I thinking? I'll start being sick soon so I won't be able to hide it. What the fucking hell am I going to do!

Hospital Again

Didn't have full assessment in the end but I was placed in a side room for 7hours with a security guard outside on red alert what ever that means. A doc came down to see me and said still hadn't got team together for assessment but would chat with me and look into what will happen.

Long story short I was talked into coming back in informally. Both my brothers were there and they talked me into it. They said I'm not being honest with myself about how ill I am. I think I am. I really didn't want this. The doctor said it's for the best and I'd made the best decision. I don't know. I don't want to be here but I think I probably need to be at the moment. I just hope I can cope better than last time and not get sectioned and end up on a PICU. The only female PICU is the one fingers works on. It would be awful after my complaint got him suspended.

What I remember from last night is that I cut badly and it wouldn't stop bleeding. I walked to the hospital and was stopped by a police man and the next thing I know I wake up in resus. They cut all my clothes off me. And had security escort in there as I tried to leave and him and a male nurse were holding on to me. Even when I used a commode the 2 blokes stayed. It was awful. No dignity left in tact.

I just wanna go home. My parents don't know I'm here yet as they're still on holiday. They're back tomorrow. I know if I go home I'll just end up doing something so maybe the extra support of being here will help. I hope I don't have to wait until next week to see my psychologist. We're not scheduled until then but I'm hoping if he knows I'm back in I'll be able to see him sooner.

Wish me luck for everything.

Xxx

Again.

I'm sat in the emergency department. Not really sure how I got here all I know is I woke up in resus covered in blood. And they won't let me go. They're saying I'm too high risk and need to have yet another full MHA assessment. I think there's gotta be a record.

Crisis Team

My psychologist thought it be a good idea that crisis team pay me a visit over this weekend. So here I am now waiting for them to come in the next 45mins. I'm dreading it. I've not had good experiences with them in the past. My dealings with them have landed me in hospital.

I'm tempted to ring them up and tell them not to bother but I don't think they'll listen to me. Especially as last time I lied to them and said I was out I ended up on intensive care of medical kind. So probably not a good idea as they won't believe me. All they'll talk about is distracting myself. Something I find really hard to do. But I must be doing something right as I've not done anything. Not yet anyway.

Wish me luck!

What's Going On.

I think I finally got to sleep around 07.30am this morning to wake up at 09.30am. Not good. Doesn't seem as though the Zopiclone worked.

Skip back to Thursday. I had appointment with the Psychologist. I was dreading it. I knew he would know about the 136. But I didn't know he was involved with it. He said he came to the suite at the same time as everyone else. So I wonder if they had that meeting about me there and that's why I was waiting over an hour from being told everyone had arrived to them coming to assess me. I'm kind of glad he didn't come in though as I was in a mess. Smudged eye make-up half way down my face, messy hair, the day before clothes and covered in blood. It was bad enough there being four people there anyway without him being in on it also.

Anyway he wanted to know what had gone off and I told him the story and he asked questions about the police and what happened. He asked if they were nice to me and I said at first they weren't but then that was my own doing as I kept trying to do a runner but after I stopped doing that they were nice to me. He asked if they cuffed me and I said yes and how it was so mortifying.

Again we talked about confidentiality and when they break it by telling my parents. I do get why, because if I have done something life threatening like swallowing something they need to be aware in case I get really ill so they can do something about it. Also there's the issue of the service being held liable if I do something, tell them and they don't do anything. So, yeah I get it. It's just not nice being on the receiving end of it. He told me that in the meeting himself and the OT had stated that they both felt uncomfortable with the whole breaking confidentiality thing as they were the people I saw the most and they were worried about what it would do to our relationship with them and that I would probably hold back. Which I agreed that if I now did something I wouldn't be telling them. He asked me if there was much point in me continuing to see him if I wasn't going to be honest with him and I said there was as there was more to it than that.

We talked about the feelings of paranoia and I explained how I felt that people were watching me and following me even when I was in my own home. That I was being recorded on camera. He asked who I thought it may be and I said I didn't know. I also said I try and rationalise these thoughts by telling myself I am being stupid and although this helps a little I am still left with niggling feelings that I am being watched. I have a thing about police cars and ambulances that if I see one I think they are coming for me. This is not good living near a hospital as you can hear sirens every time you go outside so I get quite paranoid about that also. I know I am being paranoid on this and it's not real. But I can't help having this small niggling feeling that it is true. And when I have a paranoia attack before I can rationalise it it's awful.

I told him how I had counted what pills I had in the house and how many I had. He asked why I had over 150 paracetamol. It was because I was prescribed so many last year after the operation and they are left over. Also if I get a head ache while I am out I just tend to pick up a pack of them. They're not exactly expensive at 17p a pack. I told him I didn't have a plan to which his reply was along the lines of well of course you wouldn't even tell me if you did and would deny having one any way wouldn't you? To which I could only agree with him. And I haven't got a plan. Just the feeling that it's something I need to do as I can't go on like this anymore. I explained that I didn't feel I could continue like I was and I couldn't make any promises that I could continue to keep myself safe. He took that as me telling him I was going to OD and said he was concerned as he wasn't sure what he was going to do. he said he didn't want to arrange for MHA assessment but it didn't look as though I was leaving him much choice. He asked me if I wanted to come back in to hospital and I said no. But, on the Tuesday night I did make the effort to call crisis team first before I did anything. I think this clinched it for him so he said he wouldn't do anything on this occasion.

He said he had put quite a lot of thought in to what I had told him about what had happened that night when my Mum got really drunk and abusive towards me. He said he was quite concerned for me living in that kind of environment and he had thought about getting the Safeguarding team involved as he was concerned for my welfare. I was quite puzzled,shocked and a little bit angry by this. And I told him so. How can they on one hand say it's in my best interests to inform my parents of things (I can understand the life threatening but in the past it's even just been when I've cut) when I have explicitly said it will make things worse for me and why and then say they are considering me as a safeguarding referral?

So the appointment came to an end with us going in to the car park and him making me look him in the eye and promising that I'll see him again in two weeks. I said I couldn't make any promises but I would try my hardest.

So back to today. I got up at around 09.30am and just paced around the house. I tried to keep myself busy and distracted. But it wasn't really working. So I called the team I am under to try and speak to my CPN but she wasn't in and isn't until Tuesday. So I spoke to the duty worker. We spoke for about 15minutes and she said I needed to carry on distracting myself and we went over a list of activities that I could try and do and ones I had already done. She said she would speak to the crisis team and get back to me. She called back an hour later saying she had spoken to Dr T my consultant psych and he wanted to prescribe Quetiapine 25mg 2x a day a 4 day supply. This annoyed me. What use is that going to be. She talked me into going an picking it up from my GP surgery and I took the first dose with no affect at all. Neither the second dose. It's not going to work. If they're going to put me on that again it needs to be how it was before a dose of around 300mg once a day and for more than 4 bloody days! She kept calling me back every hour or so until she finished updating me with what was going on and that crisis team were going to call me this evening.

Come 17.15pm I get a phone call which I think it from crisis team but it's not. It's my psychologist. He said he had been concerned and wanted to see how I was doing. I am not sure if he knew what was going on, I don't think he did. I told him all about the urges still being massive and that I didn't want to live like this and I was sick of fighting it. He heard the dog in the background and asked who would look after her if I was successful in the OD and I said I had thought about it. Before it was the thing that was stopping me but now the more I think about it the more I think she would be ok for a couple of days. I would fill a few bowls up with food and water to make sure she was ok. As it's closer to my parents getting home the more and more stronger these urges are getting as it's less time she would be on her own for. He said this was not a good thing to be saying. He asked me if I would come back in to hospital and he thought it would be a good idea while I was on my own. I said there was no way that was going to happen. I am not going back to that place. He was trying to talk me in to it but I wasn't budging on my decision. In the end he wanted to get crisis team to come out and see me as he wasn't sure I was going to be ok and I told him I was waiting for them to get back to me anyway as I had spoken to the duty worker today and she was getting them involved. It said he didn't know this as he had not been down to see that team today. I thought it would have all been on RIO in my notes though. He kept telling me it will get better but it won't if I am dead. Again I didn't tell him my theory on this. Just that I don't believe it will get better. And even if it did sooner or later, and probably sooner I will end up back where I am now!

So crisis team called at about 7pm and quite honestly they were useless again. Although I am not sure what else they can offer me. All they talked about were distraction techniques and what I should be doing. I felt deflated yet again by them as nothing practical was offered. I ended up calling them back at about 20.45pm and saying I had tried the techniques but they just weren't working and all I got was she will call me back tomorrow and to persevere with it. They have made an appointment to come see me on Sunday. But again I am not sure what they can do for me.

So I'll probably have another long night ahead of me pacing the house and smoking like a chimney resisting the urge to swallow a load of pills. I really can't handle this. I need something to knock me out.

Waste of Time

I am in a right mess. I have popped the pills and keep looking at them ready to take them. I did that quite a lot earlier and had to get out the house. So I went for a drive. I ended up by the river about an hour and a half later and thought that I can't go on like this. So I called crisis team again.

I told him how I had popped the pills and he basically said along the lines of he can't advocate me taking them but if it makes me feel better? He told me to carry on driving. So I did for another half hour or so until I pulled out in front of someone as I wasn't concentrating properly so ended up driving home in tears at my own stupidity of putting other people at risk.

I've been home about 2.5 hours and about 1.5 hours ago I took 15mg of Zopiclone and 4 Night Nurse. I thought it would make me tired enough to sleep but it hasn't. I have got in to my PJ's and lied on the bed trying to relax and trying to be mindful of stuff to try and ease the thoughts but it's not worked.

The pills are still there shouting at me to take them. So I called crisis team back ( a 3 minute phone call) and he told me to write what I was feeling so here I am.

So what am I feeling. Anxious, low, suicidal. The urges are so strong. The thoughts in my head keep going around telling me I should kill myself as it will be easier than living like this. I saw the Psychologist today (maybe I'll write more about the appointment tomorrow if I haven't done anything) and he said I will get better but I won't if I am dead. I didn't say but I don't think I will get better. I am always going to be like this so what is the point? I can't live like this. I can't live with the urges as strong as they are, the mood changes and the depression that is so consuming. The Depakote has seemed to have stopped me from having the highs but not the depressions. I liked the highs. I felt alive when I had the highs, yes there are the negative sides to them such as the reckless spending, I have slept with people and put myself in risky situations. But generally they are good. When I am high, I am not depressed!

I hate being this person. I am ruled by my own negative thoughts. I don't feel as though I have anything to live for. I can't see a future that's not this. I don't want that. Who would?  What kind of life is that? A pretty shit one really isn't it? If I was an animal I would be put down.

He told me to write down a plan for tomorrow. But I don't want a tomorrow if it's going to be the same as today and yesterday and the day before etc. I don't know if they can help me. I don't know if I want to die. I just know that I can't live like this. "I don't wanna die but I ain't keen on living either" as Robbie says in Feel. But I can't see a way out. My way out is by dying. I haven't got the effort to fight it any more. Maybe I should be back in hospital? But then I still find ways of doing risky stuff that could kill me. Even when I was on PICU. So I don't even see how that would help. I just wish someone could take all of this away.

Now what do I do?

The 136 Story

So as I have said before I have really been struggling with the thoughts and urges recently. I have been having massive paranoia attacks that I am being watched or being filmed and that when I see a police car or ambulance they are coming to get me. Not good really. It doesn't help that for the past couple of weeks I have been getting by on no more than 3-4 hours sleep a night. It is taking me a few hours to finally drop off after tossing and turning then I'll sleep for a couple of hours to wake up again. Then I will only really doze and not sleep properly. So it's been really hard keeping on top of these urges.

Yesterday I went through the house looking what medication I had in and found a hell of a lot. So I went out in the evening until 8 and I felt that I could not return home as the temptation was far too much. So I drove aimlessly around the city ending up near the river. I find water a calming influence and I needed to be calmed down. I knew what I was doing was ridiculous and I couldn't keep driving up all night as I had to get home to the dog. So I called crisis team. The out of hours number now goes through to the 136 suite and I knew the person I was talking to, which did actually help. We talked through a few things and she asked where I was and she told me to go home and she would call me 15minutes later to coincide with me getting home so we could formulate a plan. We agreed it may be a good idea for me to take some Night Nurse to try and help me get to sleep. I didn't tell her but I thought it would be a good idea to double the dose and drink a bottle of wine. It didn't work. I thought the wine would increase the effects of the tablets. But as it turns out the tablets were pretty shit and didn't work at all. So queue two hours lying in bed me getting more and more frustrated as was something I was positive would work. All these urges and thoughts are going around in my head.

I thought if I just cut a little it would stop me doing something more serious like swallowing something or overdosing. Well, the little cut turned into a massive cut. Not just one but 3. And, somehow managed to cut my knuckle open. I can't remember doing that though. I also swallowed the razors that I cut with but I didn't tell anyone that. I called 136 suite back and she said I needed to get down to the ED and she would call an ambulance for me. I said I didn't want an ambulance turning up on my road so I would call a taxi to take me there. The taxi didn't turn up so I said I would walk to the ED as is only a 15min walk. I really didn't want to go as the other day I found out my next door neighbour is some high up consultant there now. She moved from another city to the hospital across the road. I didn't want to risk seeing her. So on the way I decided I wasn't going to go anymore. So I ignored my phone as the woman from 136 suite was calling me back. I don't know what made me do it but I thought it would be a good idea to walk down the central reservation of the dual carriage way. Someone called the police and ambulance and that freaked me out so I kept trying to run off from the police. This led them in to restraining me and putting me on the 136. At the hospital I kept trying to get away so they ended up handcuffing me and one time behind my back and being frog marched to the treatment room. All I could think about was ending up back in hospital on a section which I was terrified of and wanted to get away. Not the best behaviour to portray if you want to come across as sane.

A really kind nurse stitched me up and I have ended up with about 25 stitches in various wounds. By this point I had calmed down and was more rational. However, the police still wanted to take me round to the 136 suite. They said they weren't going to take the chance. They were a lot nicer to me once I had calmed down also and they let me have a cigarette before going in to the 136 suite. I apologised to them for my behaviour and they told me not to worry about it and thanked me for apologising. I knew I had been a dickhead to them and was fighting with them. I was not being rational at all.

So on to the 136 suite and was a guy I knew who was the HCA who was working and he said he was sorry to see me again and hoped it was just a blip. Had a bit of a chat with him and he put me at ease. The nurse who was on was really nice as well. I have never met him before which is odd considering I spent nearly a year in hospital.

I was taken on to the suite at 7.20am but didn't get seen until nearly 2pm for the MHA assessment. The team including my consultant psychiatrist (who I am not keen on), my CPN (we know my feelings there), the AMHP and another psychiatrist arrived at 1pm so I was getting myself really wound up thinking that they were going to keep me in as it shouldn't be taking so long from them arriving to coming to see me. I had visions of them looking for beds and making phone calls to my parents etc.

They asked me about the night before and what had happened. I explained just what had happened and how I felt about things at the moment and that I have been really struggling with the thoughts and the lack of sleep is just making it worse as I am not able to deal with it. So they said they were happy with the progress I had been making so far and even if I can't see it I am improving and I should be commended on the efforts I am making to try and get better. I asked Dr T if I could go back on Quetiapine as I did feel positive benefits when I was on that and felt that it made me less impulsive and more controlled. I only came off it as I thought it was increasing my appetite but there's not been any difference since I have come off it. I did think it has a sedating effect also and I was getting a decent amount of sleep when I was on that and was generally more settled. But, Dr T said he wanted to wait a few more weeks to see how things go as he is not a believer in throwing medication at people. So if I still feel the same in a few weeks I need to speak to my CPN about it.

The outcome of the assessment was that they have prescribed me sleeping pills for the next four nights so that hopefully I can get into a routine and if I need more after to go to my GP for some more. I pushed the whole it's because I am not sleeping thing which I think is what got me off. Luckily they didn't ask me about the thoughts, urges, if I thought I could keep myself safe and if I wanted to die. I don't think there would have been the same outcome if they did, so I lucked out there.

I was told my parents would not be informed on this occasion but I still don't know if Beth will inform them. They (Dr T, Beth, Psychologist and OT) were supposed to have this case conference today about me but that was cancelled because they came to assess me to see if I was mental enough to be detained. She said she would call me tomorrow about things. I am not sure how things are going to go.

I see the psychologist tomorrow so that's going to be embarrassing. He will question me about everything and I am really not looking forward to the appointment. I am not sure how useful it's going to be and what mood it's going to put me in. Luckily I have a friend over for dinner tomorrow evening and I am cooking something I have never done before which should take my mind off things. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Xxx

Fucked Up! Big Time!

I am writing this from the 136 suite. I was caught on my way to hospital to get stitched up walking down the middle of a dual carriage way.

I'd called crisis team. Why? I don't know. At least it was someone I knew though. I called them before I cut to talk through how much I was struggling and needed to do something. Then we agreed I'd take some night nurse. So I took 4 of those hoping the double dose would knock me out along with the wine but I was just lying there tossing and turning and things got worse. So I cut! Really bad. I don't know why I called them back. Obviously they told me to go to hospital. I said I didn't want to and she said she was going to send an ambulance if I didn't agree to make my own way there.

I called a cab but it never showed so I decided to walk. Stupid me. I don't know what went through my head. On the way there I decided I really didn't want to go or even be around and that walking down the middle of a dual carriage way would be a good idea. Someone called the police and an ambulance and they pushed me into ambulance and forced me on to bed. I tried doing a runner a couple of times from the hospital but it just landed me in cuffs. Ended up with about 25 stitches. Stupid me!

So now I'm waiting for yet another mental health act assessment. I just hope it's not my consultant doing it as I'm sure he'd probably want me in. I can't stand the guy. This will be my 7th are you mental enough to be sectioned assessment in just over a year. Not good really is it!

I'm on my phone at the moment but will write another post when I've got internet access!

Xxx

Smoking

I'm so bloody anxious and on edge tonight. I must have smoked about 20 cigs in the space of a few hours. I don't know what's got in to me. I can't sit still and the urges are massive but I am doing all I can to avoid doing anything. I feel sick and having chest pains because of it. It's horrible. I need something. But I don't have anything. I really could do with some PRN. In hospital I never used to ask for it unless I felt I couldn't deal with things and now I feel is one of those times that I would have asked for it. Other times it was forced on me when they felt I needed it, one time just for crying! IM'd and restrained for crying. Ridiculous!

I thought writing may help but it isn't. I can't make my brain function enough to be coherent or string anything of any use together.

This will probably be another night of no sleep. Bloody brilliant!

Meeting

They're going to hold a meeting about me. Dr T (my consultant psychiatrist), Beth (the CPN), the psychologist and my OT. It's about my self harm and for them to get together to discuss it. They are going to decide when and when not to inform my parents of when I may have done something.

I went to see the CPN today and it had me in tears. I don't usually do that. But I couldn't help it. I wanted clarification on when and when they wouldn't be informing others. She said she couldn't say for sure at the moment as was quite a lot of grey areas, but it would generally be if was seen to be life threatening. So I asked her if I cut and it required stitches would they be informing anyone and she said it's a possibility if it was serious as would have to take in to account if it became infected or anything like that. I asked if I did something but I looked for help and then it was no longer deemed life threatening and she said she didn't know. So I am not really any closer on finding anything out.

I hate the idea they are all getting together and having a meeting about me. She said she will let me know the outcome but I am not due to see her for another 4 weeks now. She said she felt that I didn't find seeing her beneficial and she doesn't want me to feel worse for seeing her. I feel it is beneficial seeing the OT and psychologist so will carry on seeing those on a regular basis. She said she is going to work in more of a coordinator way so I will get the therapy and beneficial input from psychology and OT. I see the psychologist the day after their meeting but I got the impression that it's not really his place to be telling me what is going off. So who knows when I will be given more clarification. What I do know is that if anything does happen I won't be talking to anyone about it. Just in case.

She also told me that my Mum had tried calling her a couple of weeks ago saying she was worried about me but she didn't get to speak to her just the duty worker. The duty worker didn't tell her anything and this was before I disclosed to the psychologist about swallowing the needle and razor. So there was nothing in my notes about anything so nothing was said. I asked what would happen if she called again now that they do know and the CPN said that she would say she was concerned about the ongoing risks and that would be about it.

I am so worried I am going to end up in hospital again. I don't think I have made any progress since coming out. I have tried to put things in to place like starting new activities etc but at the last minute I chicken out as I can't face the anxieties and going in to a new situation. Tomorrow I am supposed to be starting a book club but I just don't feel I can make my way into an already established group. The singing and mandarin are different as everyone is in the same boat by not knowing anyone but I keep having really negative thoughts about starting badminton group and book club. I can't do it. I know I need to be filling my time doing productive things but I can't do it.

I can't sleep at the moment and it's really getting to me. I said this to her and she just said about the importance of being in a routine with sleep about going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time. I try to be ready for sleep between 12 and 1am but I don't usually get to sleep until about 5 and then I wake up loads and not properly sleep just dozing. Come 11 I get up as I give up on getting any decent sleep. There's just no way I could get up at 8-9am like they are suggesting. I know lack of sleep can have a big impact on what I do and how it affects my moods. I don't know whether to go to my GP and ask for some zopiclone or to leave it a bit longer. I don't want to waste my time (and his) going for him to say no. I don't know if it needs to come from the psychiatrist. Maybe I should just phone the CPN and ask her if she will ask Dr T if he will prescribe some for me. I can't go on like this.

Now with this meeting looming over me I feel really anxious as well. I hate it.

We also talked a bit about why I won't talk to my parents about how I am feeling and I can't explain why I can't and again "I don't know" was the catchphrase of the appointment. People keep saying to me how do I know it will make things worse if I won't give it a go. But I know it will. My Mum already thinks I am mental, she has said so much. So it's just not going to go in my favour really. Also I know from past experiences where I have confided in her about anything it gets turned around on me and is held against me. I am not going to put myself through that. All the professionals seem to think I should be telling them when I self harm and that I have suicidal thoughts but they just don't get it. I know I don't do a great job of explaining things and it probably goes against me. Also, they've only really seen the supportive side and not the side I see. I can't win can I?!

So, maybe the psychologist will tell me a bit about the meeting when I see him next Thursday but I'm not expecting him to. So I will just have to wait it out.

Grrrr!

xxxx

Does This Ring True To Anyone????

Check This Out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hc16Y9fiCvQ

And these are the lyrics.

It started with a low light
Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed
And then they took my blood type
It left a strange impression in my head
You know that I was hoping
That I could leave this star crossed world behind
But when they cut me open
I guess I changed my mind

And you know I might
Have just flown too far from the floor this time
Cause they're calling me by my name
And the zipping white light beams
disregarding bombs and satellites
Oh that was the turning point,
That was one lonely night

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down
It's all in your mind

Well, now I'm back at home
And I'm looking forward to this life I live
You know it's gonna haunt me
So hesitation to this life I give
You think you might cross over
You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea
You better look it over
Before you make that leap

And you know I'm fine
But I hear those voices at night
Sometimes
they justify my claim
And the public don't dwell on my transmission
Cause it wasn't televised
But it was the starting point
On a lonely night

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

My global position systems are vocally addressed
They say the Nile used to run from East to West
They say the Nile used to run from East to West

I'm fine ,
But I hear those voices at night
Sometimes

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

It's all in my mind (x6).

What's your interpretation on it? Is it just me or is it quite close to the bone?

Getting By...Just

I went to see the Psychologist on Thursday. I meant to write on Thursday while it was all fresh in my mind but I didn't and I have slept since then, and consumed alcohol. Not copious amounts, but enough to make me fuzzy. More on that in a bit.

So, he said he wished he had been more forceful with the whole making me go to hospital thing for the needle. He said he had to tell the CPN what had happened and again explained why he would have needed to call my parents if I do anything life endangering. He asked me if I had done anything else (and I haven't) but he seemed to have trouble believing me and asked me to look him in the eye to tell him. I didn't say as much as that I just wouldn't say anything if anything happens again in the future but we talked about it a bit and he said along the lines of by now we should be at that stage where I can trust him enough to be able to tell him if I have. I won't be though. Not when there has been a team decision made that if I say anything again about serious self harm or failed attempts then it has to be reported to my parents as I live with them and they are classed as my carers. And that if I did do something like swallow a needle again, told them and then it killed me. They could then be held liable because they hadn't done anything about it. I kind of get their point, but it does leave me in a position where if anything happens I know now I won't be talking about it.

We talked quite a lot about how my parents, mainly my mum's drinking is affecting me. I said I am doing what I can to avoid being around them by hanging out in my room, but even this doesn't work as I still have to listen to it and he said I am in a constant state of hypervigilence which is not good for me. I can't really win. I know isolating myself away is not good for me and can trigger episodes but at the same time I don't really want to be around them. Again it was suggested that I move out. I explained about how I didn't want to give up on the going travelling idea as that is what got me out of hospital by giving me some hope and another direction. There is also the issue of when I go back to uni I won't be able to afford to live away from home so would need to move back in then anyway. He asked if I would be able to ask my parents for support in rent etc while I am at uni if I explain to them how living at home affects me. I said not as there are a number of reasons. First I don't think it's fair that I get more than my brothers ever got. I know at the moment I get a better deal than them and always have and I feel doing this would take the biscuit. Another is that although asset wise my parents are very well off cash wise it can be a struggle sometimes if for instance a couple of the properties they own become vacant and they can be down around £1000 per month. If they were paying my rent for me and they were in this situation it could leave them quite short and I wouldn't want them to feel that they can't do what they want to do to support me. I don't want to be a burden.

We also talked about some of the urges I get and he asked me to explain in more detail. So I said I keep getting urges to try and end it by overdosing and when I go shopping it can put me into a bit of a panic attack as I see the pills and the urge is so strong and I don't know if I can resist. I consider not taking my meds and storing them and taking those. I know tricylic antidepressants can be dangerous and being as though that is one of my medications I think about that quite a lot. In fact nearly every night as I am taking them I consider skipping it and saving them. Or just taking the whole lot in one go. But at the moment I don't have enough anyway. He asked me if I want to die. And the honest answer is I don't know. I am struggling to see a future. I know that much. I don't know what kind of future I can have. I can't see myself settling down, getting married, having kids, having a job, and in general having a pretty normal life. All I can see is cycles of the same thing. He then had a go at me for seeing the glass as half empty. He said to tell myself when I am in a depressive state to tell myself that it will end as from previous experience it has done. I said yeah that's all well and good but I also know that the whole depressive state will come around again. So he said he will do some DBT work with me next time over all of this. So I've got that to look forward to...not!

 I know I am a pessimist. My friends take the piss out of me for it. I was even having a conversation the other night with a friend and I was saying I was nervous about going out next Saturday. I'm going to a gig of one of the guys who worked on the PICU ward who I really liked and I said when they next played locally I would go see them and he said I should. I said I was worried as will be really weird for me as there will probably be other staff from the ward there and I don't want a fuss being made if they see me. The worrying about this makes me not want to go. But on the other hand the band sounds quite good and I would like to go see them. She kept asking me what was the worst that could happen and I gave a massive list in response and she asked how likely it was if they do. She also reminded me that they have seen me at my worst, seen me pissed, seen me throw up, seen me cry and seen me hysterical. She said I need to be more positive about it and stop being so pessimistic.

I have been out drinking a few times since I have come out of hospital. I think I have grown up a bit. I am controlling what I drink a lot more as I don't want to lose control. I don't want to be that girl who falls flat on her face as she has had too much and suffers from embarrassment the next day. Also, I don't want the hangover the next day. I can't deal with them. I am a bit worried as well that if I drink too much I will end up doing something that will get me into trouble or landing me back in hospital or on a 136 because of the way I feel and when drunk I lose rational thought and am more likely to act on impulse. I was coming back from my friends house through town the other week in a cab and I was quite sober and I was watching people falling all over the place, stumbling around in heels they can't walk in and clothes that make them look like hookers. Then add the combination of alcohol and falling over, I just thought I never want to be like that again. Not like I dressed like that or wear shows like that but you get where I am going with it.

I went out with the girls on Saturday and we ended up in this club that was just full of kids. I lasted half an hour. The music wasn't even music it was just noise. How anyone can enjoy that I don't know. Another friend left with me at the same time and we were talking how we just don't enjoy it anymore. I said I never really had unless the music was exactly what I liked. Indie and Rock and maybe a bit of cheese. And I have realised now that part of the reason I used to get in to the state I used to get into was because I wasn't having a good time so I would drink more. Or I would drink because I was going through a shit time. But I hope now I have learnt if I am not having a good time to just leave and save myself the money. Also, when I am having a shit time of things not to drink to excess as I am more likely to put myself in harms reach. I have been that person that someone has called an ambulance for as I have gone unconscious through drink. I have ended up in the resus area of the ED because of drink. I am not going to be that person anymore.

So I see OT tomorrow. I am not really sure what they want to see me for as I think I am kind of managing now. I have started singing classes, signed up for Mandarin classes, am joining a badminton club, playing badminton with friends and joining a reading group. The psychologist went a bit overboard with his enthusiasm when I told him about this but it could have been genuine. He seems a pretty genuine guy and if it was it was pretty sweet really. But, I am seeing my CPN on Wednesday which I am dreading as I know she will want to talk about the whole needle incident and go over things again and possibly why I didn't tell her when she asked if I had done anything. I am going to get clarification on what incidents would need to be reported and what wouldn't. And say for instance if I did something that could be classed as life endangering but then I went to the hospital on my own accord and then it was found to be ok, would my parents still need to be informed? In a round about way I need a list of when and when they won't be informed. I need to know what I can and can't disclose. Obviously it would be better if I don't do anything. And, it's not as though I am planning on anything. I don't want it to be seen as a what I can and can't do list if that makes sense.

I am really struggling with the urges at the moment though. I don't know why I haven't done anything more than blood letting every couple of days. I really want to. It's pretty massive. It keeps me awake at night and makes me anxious. I honestly don't know how I haven't done anything. Maybe some of it is I am worried someone will walk in on me as I am not given much privacy at the moment. Also if I do do anything it's not as though I can just sneak off to the hospital to get stitched up or what ever without questions being asked of where I am going. At least before when I was having to go to hospital whether it be for stitches, various infections, x-rays or what ever I could just say I was going to the uni library or some other excuse. But being as though I don't have much of a life at the moment I can't get away. So, maybe this has an impact on it as well. I suppose we will see next week when I am left on my own for the week.

Finally, I've just joined Netflix where you can watch films online. Can anyone recommend any good feel good, happy films?

xxx