Still Not Going Well

Title says it all really.

Ended up breaking down after an attempt to a nurse. She seemed to know a hell of a lot about me considering I've never had a conversation with her before.

They've basically said to me that if I continue to self harm they'll discharge me. Doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to be here at all. In both senses. So it leaves me with a lot of thoughts. I've never been told if I do what I want to do then I'll be discharged.

Massive urges to cut tonight. And I mean massive. I've got the blade I know exactly where I'd do it and all I can picture is doing it and the feeling of doing it. It's making me feel sick with anticipation. I'll try haloperidol and lorazepam see if that works. I know I need to be stronger. I need to not give in.

I bumped into psychologist in the corridor this morning. He looked shocked to see me and I asked him if he knew I was in and he said he did. Also saw my favourite nurse from when I was on PICU. She gave me pity look that people give when you tell people or people know. Psychologist gives it me every now and then. I don't know if it's genuine or if these people really care and not just because they're paid to. What are other peoples thoughts on that????

Thanks for reading.