Finding The Words To Say

I realise I've not posted in a while. It's not because nothing has happened but because I have struggled to put it in to words. I have had two psychology sessions since I last wrote and I have no chance of remembering details.

Well to start off with I am now out of hospital, as of today. It was a planned admission (kind of, in the way that once I agreed to go in we planned it) of three weeks. If I am honest I didn't want to come out. I told them this also. I said I don't feel any better than when I came in and I am still having the same suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm as I was when I was admitted and I don't feel as though I am any better equipped to deal with them. Whilst in hospital I self harmed seriously twice. Once which I wrote about before which was swallowing the battery and the second time I cut up quite badly, blood let, swallowed the needle and razor and popped a load of paracetamol but I was found before I took the paracetamol. I'm not proud of myself. I feel so let down with myself. I had tried so hard to keep on top of the urges and not do anything. It also pissed the staff off as I had spent some time talking in detail and getting stuff sorted out the same day and she said she felt as though she had wasted her time.

She did lend me this really good book about self-harm and the reasons behind why people do it and I was able to identify with a lot of the reasons and although I found the beginning bit really triggering it also made me feel as though I wasn't alone and helped me understand myself a bit more. The book is Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from Dbt and Other Treatments. I only read the first 6 chapters and didn't actually get on to the overcoming it and skills part but I have brought my own copy off Amazon for £10 so if you self harm it may be worth giving it a look.

So if I go back to two weeks ago the session with the psychologist. He said it was really good to see me. Even though it was only a few days after a massive OD and the 136. Just going off tangent a little the AMHP called psychologist to get his advice about me. Thought that was weird that's all. Anyway. I told him how I had been giving this mindfulness stuff more of a go and had been using YouTube for guided stuff and he became really smug. Bastard. Nah, only joking, but he did get quite smug and I told you so.

This week we talked a lot about DBT techniques. I think he's secretly giving me DBT now. And I've got a load of exercises to do and rate them all every day before next week. I'll probably just end up making most of it up. I am not very good with "homework". I use the sessions to spill my guts out and then forget about them. I don't tend to take much from them. I know if I am going to get better then I need to take more from them. He did most the talking today though. I told him my worries about going home and even before I am at home I find myself making plans to kill myself and he seemed to think all this DBT stuff was the answer. That and filling my time. There's probably a reason why as a psychologist he's probably on around £50k a year, and maybe, just maybe he has some method behind what he is saying. And me being me refuses as usual to listen. Maybe I should actually give the stuff a go.

I've also decided I am moving out as living with my parents is just toxic for me. I am constantly on edge, tis not a good place to be. I was assessed by tenancy support workers from Rethink today to see if they will take me on. I suppose I will find out next week at some point. My CPN is going to try and get me in supported living and what the TSW is try and get me higher priority on council listings so I am given a better chance when I bid for properties. I don't know what it means for uni though as I won't be given housing benefit if I am a student. I really don't want to give up the course. It is something I am really worrying about. I will speak to my CPN when I see her next week.

I'm having massive urges right now and am reluctant to sign off because this is keeping me occupied, but I have run out of things to say.

Thanks
xxx