I Don't Know How I'm Getting By.

I'm really struggling. I've even tried some of the mindfulness that my psychologist said I need to be doing. But it's made me feel worse. I know you're supposed to acknowledge the thoughts but I can't help but for them to take over. At least when I'm not doing it there is some mild distraction like my music. There. I obviously can distract myself. Maybe crisis team are right?!

But right now all I can think about is trying to hang myself. I've even gone as far as making the lig. The rational normal person in me says hand it in. I know I should. But even if I don't use it tonight I may need it for another so I can't get rid of it.

I've worked out often I'm usually checked and where and when. I know for instance if I lie in bed it's very unlikely I'll get caught out. Or where the lig points are in the room. But that's less likely as if someone does check I'll be seen.

Sorry. I can see what I'm doing here. It doesn't make nice reading. But I've never kept this blog for anyone other than myself. If people do read it and find they don't like it don't read it. It helps me to get how and what I'm feeling down.

I really don't know how I'm surviving being here at the moment. It's not will, it's not wanting to. I really don't know. Maybe there is part of my subconsciousness that believes my psychologist. After all he wouldn't get where he is spouting shit. I'd hope not anyway!