What Happened

I thought I was going to have a full MHA assessment but that wasn't the case.

I was called in to see my inpatient consultant in the afternoon after being placed on the 5.2 the previous night before. I was asked what I wanted and I said I wasn't sure I wanted to be alive right now, I was having massive urges to self harm and attempt and wasn't sure if I was able to keep myself safe. Yet, I felt that being on the ward was having a negative affect on me as I was struggling with the other patients and when I was on my own I was struggling to do anything to distract myself. I don't know why they bothered asking me what I thought as it appears they had already made the decision to discharge me. They said they were going to let me go, well more of a we don't want you here and we will have crisis team work with you instead. They'll be in contact.

I came away from the ward angry as no practical support was given, but then I suppose I put them in an awkward position also. I did go in informally because I suppose I felt there was nothing else to do. Maybe there is some part of me that doesn't want to die. Well I am almost sure of it. I think it's not that I want to die it's that I don't want to live. Does that make sense?

For a while I was planning on attempting again tonight. I have loads of meds in as the hospital gave me 2 weeks supply (another reason why I think they had already decided before speaking to me as you don't get TTO's that quickly from seeing a doc to leaving the ward) and I had just filled a prescription before I went into hospital. I don't know why I have decided not to. I think some of it is because I am physically unwell also. Unusually so it takes a lot of energy to do something about how I am feeling. And it feels as though someone has been at my throat with 876 razor blades and stuffed my sinuses up. All I have done today is watch TV that TiVo has recorded for me while I was in hospital and ate. Starve a fever, feed a cold and all that. Although now I feel crap for eating so much crap as I want to be healthier. I needed to talk to someone earlier about how I was feeling and so I did call crisis team and they said they are discussing me tomorrow in their MDT meeting and will call me back. But I did do what they said and cooked myself something and had a long soak in the bath and pampered myself a little. Got clean PJ's on and planning on taking a zopiclone to get a good nights sleep.

I have booked a mini holiday for myself. I have booked to go to Whitby for Halloween on my own. It's Goth week there and it's on the coast, so I should be able to get some good pics. I just hope the weather is not wet. I can deal with the cold but cold, wet coastal weather will not be pleasant. I am only going for 3 nights. I feel quite nervous about it. Before I booked it I considered booking a hotel somewhere to go and do the deed as such and I haven't quite decided if I am going to. It's a good opportunity to. But, something in me in the last day has sprung up that wants to fight these suicidal urges. Not sure where it's come from though or how long it will last. But anyway, I am nervous about going. I can go to SE Asia on my own for 3 months and not be bothered but 3 days away on the English coast I am nervous about. What's that all about?

In reply to the comment on the last post about if I was going to do something why not just do it while I was out. Well, while I was out I didn't have the urge and was managing to cope ok. It was while I was back on the ward later that evening (too late to leave) that I began to really not be able to cope with what was going through my head and the other people I was around. One girl in particular, who was manic was really getting to me accusing me of stuff I hadn't done and then another girl who kept going in to my room and going through my things. I couldn't cope with it. It all came to a head and I just had to get out which is why I tried to scale the fence and do a runner. Although me not exactly being that agile was not able to jump over and out run the two blokes who were further up than me and rugby tackled me to the ground.

Is it possible to be manic but feel low still? I think I am having some manic symptoms but feeling low. Racing thoughts, no concentration, no sleep, can't sit still, erratic spending on stupid things. My thing at the moment is pants. I must have brought about 30 pairs of pants in the last 2 weeks. Generally spending a lot of money on things I don't need or particularly want. It's weird. When I have been like this in the past I have usually felt quite high and happy and it's been quite a good experience, except the spending which has got me into trouble. I am not sure what to make of it all really?!

So I will get a phone call from crisis team tomorrow for them to tell me what they want to do with me and I see me CPN Beth on Thursday. Last time I saw her she asked me to consider if I wanted to continue to see her. I have put quite a lot of thought into it. I think I need all the support I can get at the moment and so I think it will be a good idea to continue to see her.

Anyway, I should go upstairs take my zopiclone and try and rest to get rid of this cold.

Night.

xxx