I Wish I Hadn't Said Anything

Went to see Sam earlier. She asked me what was going through my head. I told her. She asked if I had a plan and I said I did. But I wouldn't tell her anymore. I couldn't. I said I hadn't even written about it on here. And I haven't. It's my thing that I keep to myself. She asked what I was scared of and I said being stopped. Sam had actually said for us to get anywhere I would need to tell her about it and I said I couldn't. I said to her I was more scared of going in to hospital than I was of dying. So she said she couldn't just leave it at that and she would need to speak to The Directors and also Crisis Team. Shit!

She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).

So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...

Here is what I came up with...

CAT Team Pros.

- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.

Cons

- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.

Counselling Pros

- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings

Cons

- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings

So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.

Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.

 So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.

So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.

Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.

She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.

They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.

I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.

I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.

Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.

They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.

Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...

They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.

They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.

Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.

So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.

So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.

He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.

So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!