Police

They called the Police on me.

I was upstairs minging around and I heard the side gate go. I was thinking "Shit". I went out on to my balcony and heard banging really loudly on the door. I came downstairs and there was a Police man peering in through kitchen window. I opened the door and they asked if I was GP. I said yes and they asked if they could come in.

They were both really friendly. It was 2 blokes. So they asked if I was ok and if I had suicidal feelings. So I said yeh. They said that Matt had called them as he was concerned. I explained to the 2 Police officers that I was dealing with it my self and that I didn't want to see Crisis Team. I said I would rather be on my own and I didn't want their involvement. Cute police officer said that I didn't need to let them in but just let them know I was alive. I said I didn't want any involvement with them. Older Police man said he had met me before but he couldn't place where. I didn't recognise him but I thought it was probably from the time of the S136 and it all clicked in to place for him. He said I looked a lot better than then. I was battered though and it was raining so I probably had make-up smeared across my face and was in a mess. Today when they came round I was in my PJ's.

Cute police officer called the Crisis team and explained I was ok but didn't want input. He then made me speak to them. I explained to the guy on the phone that I didn't want them coming round and I didn't want to work with them as I thought I would be better on my own and could deal with it on my own.

He said the Crisis Team's aim was to keep people out of hospital. He said he was kind of put on the spot as he didn't know me and my case but he said a long the lines of if I didn't cooperate then hospital may be an option. A likely option. So he asked again if they could come around tomorrow and I said I felt like I had been cornered and I didn't have any choice in the matter. So I agreed on the phone even though I have no intention of being around then. I've been thinking quite a bit and thinking about my plans etc. I won't go in to it as I can't. It's my thing that I don't share.

The police were really nice though and they kept reassuring me saying things like "You're not in trouble", "We just want to make sure that you are ok and you are ok being left on your own". And then before they went they asked if I felt I needed them. I said no. They asked a couple more times and asked if I was sure. They said if I needed them I knew what to do.

They were so nice. I couldn't believe the difference in them to last time. I suppose it's because I was more compliant and wasn't trying to do a runner from them.

Crisis Team guy asked if I still had plans and I just said I didn't want to talk about it. He asked how I was feeling and I said the same. I can't hide it at the moment. I have no fight left in me. Before I would be able to put a fake smile on say everything was ok, but now I can't.

So nothing has changed really.