Where to Begin?

Well, obviously as I am writing this it didn't work. I came very close though. Very close. I can't remember much if I am honest. I can't remember leaving the house at all. I woke up nearly 24 hours later in the intensive care unit. I half opened my eyes and I didn't recognise where I was and I had a weird sensation of not being able to move. Someone talking to me saying "you are ok, you're just coming round from being sedated". I reached out for her hand and wouldn't let go. I couldn't cough, speak or move my head. I was on a ventilator that was breathing for me. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. I don't know how long I was like that for. I was aware that I had lines coming out of me from all angles. I was told to try and not move as I had so many. I was on a catheter also. Naked, except for a gown. Hooked up to all these machines.

Once I became a little more conscious, she removed the ventilator. It was horrible. I was still not quite with it and not fully conscious. She put me on oxygen for a while.Then when I was a little more with it she told me what was happening to me. I had lines in my arms, my wrists, my hands, my feet and my neck. Painful. I was on a heart monitor. I had a catheter in. And I couldn't move. It had felt like I had been in an accident. My neck was stiff and I couldn't move. She then told me the police were involved in trying to find a next of kin. She said I didn't have any ID on me. Panic set in. They knew who I was at that point, I don't know how. Then she came back and told me that the police had been in contact with my older brother and he had informed him and my parents. My brother kept calling the ICU wanting to know what I had taken and how much. The nurse was with me most the time. One nurse to one patient in ICU. I was still hooked up to the machines but she had removed a couple of lines. Just leaving the most painful ones in my neck and arterial line in my wrist. I spoke to my brother. Tears down the phone. He told me the police called him first but because he wasn't next of kin they wouldn't give him information. They had just said there had been an incident. He thought I was dead.

The nurse said if I hadn't have been found I would have died. I was really ill and it was serious. They sedated me with propofal which they use for general anaesthetics. They said I wasn't breathing and couldn't maintain my own airway. My bloods were all over the place and very acidotic so they said I needed to be asleep so they could give treatment.

I don't remember much at all until I woke up in ICU. There are little flashes which I remember. I remember a weird sensation in my mouth and taste. I think the nurse was brushing my teeth. It was horrible and it felt like I was going to drown. I couldn't move. I think I remember the tube going down my throat, but again I couldn't move. It was like I was paralysed. I think I was sick also. I was on my back and I thought I was going to drown in my own sick. There were lots of people around and they were suctioning it out my mouth. But this is all I remember. I don't remember leaving the house. I don't remember being in the ED. Nothing.

So I was in ICU for 2 nights. On the second night I had all my lines and catheter removed. A catheter is horrible. You can't pee normally and it feels like all you want to do is pee. When it came to removing the lines there were also stitches as they were sewn in to me so they didn't move. It was horrible having them taken out. So painful.

I was moved to the ward on Sunday morning. An older woman from Crisis team came. I said I didn't want their input and I didn't want to work with them. I said I regretted it didn't work, especially as I came so close. But, I didn't have any more plans to try again. Which was true. I said I really didn't want to work with them. She threatened me with a MHA. I said to her I felt as though I was being cornered and they weren't giving me choices. She didn't stay long. She just said that I had to stay in hospital one more night at least on medical wards and give it some thought and they would come back the next day.

On Monday I was told I was medically fit. Crisis team came back. Well, a Social Worker from crisis team and a nurse from the CAT team. I was with them only 5 minutes when there was a knock at the door and the student nurse said that my mum was there. So, queue hysterical crying. She had flown back from holiday early. I told the social worker and nurse that I did not want to work with them and I wanted to go it alone. They said it wasn't an option and if I refused to work with them then they would have to do a MHA. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to work with them. I said I didn't want family members knowing what had happened and I didn't want them involved. They said because I lived with my parents they had to know what was going on. I tried arguing with them saying how I felt it was unfair as if I lived on my own they wouldn't be talking to my Mum. I said that they were breaking my confidentiality and it was wrong as they were only doing it because I lived with someone else. I asked how could I be honest with them if they were just going to tell my parents what I had said. I said I was an adult and I didn't want anyone knowing. I didn't want them knowing it wasn't the first time and I wanted to down play the seriousness of it. They said they couldn't do that as I had nearly died and it was serious.

So they sent me out the room to go and see my Mum. More crying. I said I was sorry. I know suicide is selfish. But, I can't go on like this with these feelings. I felt bad that she had flown back from holiday at the cost of nearly £500. But, if anyone plays the "what about me" card I am just going to have to say "what about me". I know they will be upset but it is a very selfish thing and I can't really see past that at the moment. After a while the 2 people came back and wanted me to go back in with my Mum. They said what the options were and I said all I wanted to do was go home and be left alone. I said I really didn't want their input as it was a waste of time. I said I wouldn't talk to them as I barely knew them, and even then, if I knew them I probably wouldn't talk to them. I explained how even with Sam I withhold quite a lot from her. And that I just didn't want new people involved with me. My mum was freaking out as she thought they were going to make me go in to hospital. I said I wouldn't go in informally either. I was arguing with them, and crying loads. I said I wouldn't go in to hospital as I knew what they were like from working on the wards and that I knew staff in all the local hospitals. So that was not an option. They were saying how basically what they do is the same as what hospital would do but without making me be in there. I refused point blank. I do not want to work with them at all.

In the end, I said I would see Dr T, or my GP or someone from the counselling service. They weren't happy at first. I left the room and my Mum stayed behind. I don't know what was said. I went off for a cigarette and when I came back they agreed that I could go home on the basis that they could see me today and sort something out with the GP.

I agreed. But this morning I didn't answer my phone to them. They spoke to my Mum though and said that the GP has agreed he will see me once a week. I don't really see the point of it really. I probably won't even go to see him. I haven't spoke to them today and they have not tried calling me back so I am assuming that they are not going to be coming today. I think I have managed to throw them off. Hopefully, anyway.

So how do I feel about people knowing. I am mortified. I am so upset that it didn't just work and now I have to live through this of being watched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left on my own. I still feel the same in that I don't want to be around. I just want to give up. I have had enough of the fighting. The constant battle. I don't want to think that I am hurting people, but, selfishly, what about me? My brother sent me something he had written that made me cry and makes me cry every time I read it...

There's a child at Beachy Head, gonna stop you from going over. That child is me. There's a seven year old, got you by the hand, got you by the hair, got you by anything he can hold on to. Remembers you as a happy kid. Pre theft, pre pubescent. Daddy's girl with a big brown faced smile in a purple polyester nighty in the kitchen. A phone call of blazing dread brought back feelings of my childhood and adulthood inadequacy, multiplied ad infintum for you. But their words and deeds should have no bearing on the equilibrium of your soul. You are so lovely. I love you so much (my kids do too). Please just try and remember that next time you're down.

All this, all that's gone on and I still only think of it. My Mum and my brother have shown so much worry. Yet somehow I can't comprehend it. I can't comprehend much at the moment. I think I will be left alone now. Hopefully anyway. I don't want anything at the moment. I don't want people interfering in my life. I can't handle it. I want everyone to just go away.

That's basically what happened. There is probably bits I left out. I know there is one big thing I have but I will write about that in another post.

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