What's Best For Me??????? Tell Me!!!!!

I am still struggling on. I am wondering about what the point of being in hospital is doing for me. I am not sure my parents would want me back though. Not after what I put them through only a week ago. I don’t blame them if they wouldn’t. I need to move out and asap. I am meeting with Beth my CPN tomorrow before my ward review and hopefully we can have a good discussion about me moving out as she is supposed to help me with things like this. I haven’t told my parents yet. I am a bit nervous about it.

I am not sure about moving out in some respects. I wonder if some kind of supported living may be best initially. Would it make me less likely to harm and attempt if there was someone around but giving me the space I need no questions asked. Things like shopping and the whole living side I don’t need support with, I can do all that I have done it before. It’s the support side and having someone there when needed if I need them. I don’t have anyone in my family that I can talk to like that either.

I spoke to the doctor yesterday about how I am feeling and she said I should try the group things and how can I say I won’t like them when I haven’t even tried them. She has a point but I really don’t have a good feeling about it and I really don’t think I would get on in a group. It took me I don’t know how long to feel comfortable with the psychologist never mind a new group leader and then the other people that attend it. How do I know I can trust them? I don’t, do I? They’re not bound by the same code of ethics and confidentiality. I just don’t know if I can face it. Then I have the problem I see of what if I later come across these people in my future career? What if I can open up then it later turns out I become the social worker of one of them or they come across me professionally. They will know far too much information about me.

I am really reluctant to go and even try it. I also worry I will lose my current psychologist if I do as I suppose I would be seen as no longer needing his input. I think he is already thinking that I am not getting much from the sessions as he has asked me a couple of times in what the point in continuing the work with him was? I don’t know what to say. I like seeing you isn’t really a good enough reason. I need more than that. I don’t know what it is that makes me like seeing him. I suppose it’s the only time I get to speak openly and honestly about how I am feeling. I should be getting that on the ward but I’m not really. I don’t like to bother the staff with what I am thinking and feeling. As I have been reminded numerous times there are 17 other patients on this ward they have to look after. All I get told is to sit in the communal areas where they can keep an eye on me and being around other people will help. But it doesn’t it makes me worse. If those people, well there’s just 2, weren’t highly manic and getting in my face with it maybe it would help but when I have them shouting stuff at me it’s not exactly helpful. So I end up in my room on my own with my thoughts and feelings going around and around in my head and sometimes I act on them. Then I get into trouble.

But then being at home is just as bad. I am on my own with no one to talk to and have to put up with my parents. I don’t know if I am more likely to act on them. I thought my parents were a protective factor, but judging by my actions last week that shows that is not the case. So I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what’s best for me. I get the feeling my community team thinks I should be in hospital and the inpatient team don’t think I should be. I am just stuck in the middle. I don’t think anyone knows what isbest for me. Does anyone????

Busted

The band 6 came into me this morning, knelt down besides me and asked me straight out if I'd had the battery. He said he knew my history and I'd also mentioned to staff that I was struggling with urges of self harm.

I admitted that I swallowed it but it said there was no way I was going to the ed. So he searched my room for anything else and any fizzy drinks saying I wouldn't be allowed them until it had passed and they wanted me to collect my stools each time so someone could examine them. I don't think so! It's probably gone now anyway. It's been more than 24hours.

I'm getting quite bored and frustrated on the ward. I'm ready to hit someone!

Stupid Me

I've gone and done something stupid again. I couldn't help myself. And I can't tell anyone as part of the deal of me being here is I tell someone when I have these feelings and work through them with someone. So if I tell someone I'll get kicked out as of not sticking to my care plan.

I swallowed a battery. Quite serious stuff again. I'm hoping I can hide it but when they come to use tv remote they'll figure out battery is missing and probably look to me first. I've hidden the remote though.

What am I doing? I say I want help and I don't want to be like this but go and do it anyway. I'm so stupid. This is all I'm ever going to amount to be. I can't control anything in my life. It's beyond stupid. I really hate myself. I hate being this person. Why can't I just be normal?

This Is Me!

I’ve been questioning a lot of things recently. Should I have really been discharged back in August? Was I really ready? I mean, would all this be happening now? Would I have only cut and swallowed a needle and razor less than two weeks after being discharged? Also, am I receiving the right support?

Maybe when they wanted to refer me to low secure they were right in doing so. Maybe I would have been better there? Would I have been? Would they have been able to help me? If I wasn’t so “intelligent” (as I have been told many times by professionals, personally I don’t see it, or what that has to do with it, do intelligent people not get ill, errrr Stephen Fry anyone?) would I have not been able to just talk my way out of it. Which I kind of did. I just said I was more aware of triggers and when I am about to go into crisis point and can pin point it. But I’m not really. I don’t see any improvement. The only thing I can do is talk to staff about how I feel and that has gone from being 24/7 to an hour a week. Not even that.

I don’t have an honest open relationship with my CPN as I feel she breaks my confidentiality. And now as of this confidentiality thing, which I do get and I do understand I feel I can’t be honest with anyone. Even the psychologist who before when I was an inpatient I was. Well he knew as he would have read it in my notes as I felt I was able to tell staff if I had harmed without them reporting it to my parents. So I would be able to debrief with him about it. Now I don’t feel I can tell anyone or debrief with anyone about it without it getting back to my parents as they are my carers. When I was admitted last night I even lied to the doctor about when I had last seriously self harmed by swallowing. I told him it was about 3 weeks previous when in reality it was only a week, if that. And I told him that resus took an x-ray of my abdomen while I was there and nothing showed up. I told him that just so he wouldn’t follow it up by making me go back to hospital and then that getting back to my parents.

I have an OT worker and we kind of skirt around the issue of self harm but she is not someone I would disclose to anyway. I talk to her about how what I am doing affects my mood and what works and what doesn’t. Not urges and what increases and decreases them.

The psychologist I see every 2 weeks now. When I was first an inpatient I used to see him twice a week. He said he could see improvement as did some of the ward staff but personally I can’t see it. I feel so deflated that I have spent the last year in hospital and I am still in the same position if not a worse one as before at least my parents were a protective factor but the massive OD of tricylics I took on Tuesday shows that that isn’t the case anymore.

And that’s another thing that’s really bothering me. My memory of events. I remember being at the bridge. I remember hanging up on crisis team and driving home. I remember making myself a juice and the police arriving and them persuading me to go to the 136 voluntarily kind of. Well to voluntarily leave the house so they could put me on a 136. But I don’t remember the 136 experience or who was there. I had a sleeping pill while I was there. I do remember that. And I remember asking what time the assessment would be on the Tuesday and being told about 12pm. But I don’t remember waiting for the assessment, what was asked of me or what the outcome was. Well obviously it was to let me go but I don’t remember leaving or getting home. I do remember that the AMHP was the one who originally assessed me back in August 2011 and put me on a S.2. But that is it. I remember popping the pills. And my brother climbing on to my balcony to get to me as I wouldn’t answer to door. I was in bed with my iPod in so I claimed I didn’t hear the door or my phone. He didn’t believe me. I said I wasn’t going to talk and he said he wasn’t going anywhere and would be downstairs until my parents got back as they were on their way back from holiday as of what happened as the AMHP had contacted them (actually I remembered arguing about this with him saying he didn’t have to unless was application for S.3 he was putting in and if he had read my notes he would have seen how having my parents involved makes things worse for me). Then the next thing I know I am in the kitchen and the dog is looking at me weirdly like she does when she knows I have done something wrong. Then next thing I know I am outside on my hands and knees looking for my phone, bag, keys etc. The back door is locked I know that so somehow I know I have managed to lock the door after me. Then I am sitting between the car and van in the driveway thinking I’ll just stay there, in plain view of the whole street. Clever thinking there. Muppet!

Then I hear my Mum shout is anyone there? I say me. They ask if I have been drinking and I say no. I haven’t. But I feel like I have had a litre of vodka. I am spinning and I can’t see straight. They ask me to go sit in the lounge with them and tell me it’s 3am and did I hear them coming in my room to keep checking on me I said no. So they kept asking me if I had taken anything and I said no. Then I said yes. They kept asking how many paracetamol and I said none but it was as though they didn’t believe me. So they said they were going to call and ambulance and I begged them not to and they said they had to. My Mum asked me to go outside with her while she had a cigarette don’t know where my Dad went. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. They wouldn’t let me though. I put a pillow on my Mum’s lap and rest my head in it and then my Dad has lifted me on to the floor. The next thing I know I am in the back of an ambulance and there is a knock at the door and the paramedic said they are ready to go and was one of them coming and they said no! My next memory is them taking my watch off and I moaned about it. And they kept giving me sternum rubs to wake me up but I couldn’t wake up. I could feel the pain, and man they are painful, but my body would not respond. The next thing I know I am asked to move myself between the trolley and a bed on the ward so I must have been conscious at this point. I must have lost it again as woke to another sternum rub and them telling me they were going to put a tube down my throat as I wasn’t breathing properly. But that must have done something to me as they never did that.

The next day was a bit of a blur until the evening also. I remember waking up in the morning but couldn’t keep my eyes open. Every time I closed them I imagined something happening or someone but then opening them and nothing had happened. Then I saw my CPN and another lady and she smiled at me. I thought I imagined it. But then the nurse came back with them and said I had to get out of bed and go with them. I only had a gown on and just pulled the sheets off me and tried to get into my jogging bottoms not caring who saw my half naked body. So embarrassing. Especially as my legs are a mass of cuts. They quickly pulled the curtains round. I can’t really remember much of what they asked me but I do remember them saying either I go informally or it will go to a MHA and based on what I had done and already said I would be put on a S.2. So I agreed. I did keep falling asleep while they were assessing me and they kept shouting my name. I don’t think I was medically fit to be assessed really. I was still pretty out of it and being as though I can’t remember it clearly I think I was still drugged up.

It became clearer in the evening and this is where my memory is fully restored to full rather than just flashes.

I have been worrying about all of this and this is more just for my personal recollection of events. But I’ll post it anyway.

I spoke to my CPN today. I said to her I didn’t want to return home as I didn’t feel it was good for me but I don’t know if I can cope on my own on my own so maybe some supported living would be a good idea and she said she would look in to it. I don’t know if I will just use being alone as more of an opportunity to harm myself and not worry about being found if I make an attempt. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I can’t see a way out.

I want a husband, I want babies. One of my best friends told me yesterday she is pregnant, but not to tell anyone yet as she is only 10 weeks. She has only been with the guy since August time but he seems so nice and they seem so right together. But that’s a different matter. But it really got me thinking. Am I ever going to have any of that? I mean really I can’t inflict myself on someone else. What about my kids. What if they turn out like me? I couldn’t cope with that? Am I ever really going to get through this, whatever it is? This is not just a blip. Can’t remember who said that, think was a couple of the nurses on this ward. This is me. This is who I am. It defines me. It’s not a blip. This is the main event. I am going to see all my friends get married, have kids have the 2.4 children and then there will be me, Honorary Aunty who’s got many problems, eternally single, no kids but has seen the world. It’s not fair to inflict this on someone else. This is me. This is what I am!

Back On Psych Ward!

And how am I feeling...? Shit. I don't want to be here. I want to self discharge go out and self harm. I want to ligate. I want to cut. I want to punch someone. Who? I'm not really sure.

But. Trying to remember my rational thinking. This is for the best.

I'm just going to come out with it next Thursday when I see my psychologist and ask him to tell me what to do other than group work. I can't stand this. Maybe I'll ask him for more info on DBT even though is group work. I'm going to make more of an effort with mindfulness stuff. Does anyone else do that? Does it work?

Please help?!!

Continued...

So I last left off worried the police would be looking for me. They were! About 10mins after writing there came a big knock at the door and 2 lovely in every which way policemen came in.

We talked a bit about what happened earlier and how I was feeling now. They said they wouldn't be leaving me alone in the house so my options were going to a friends (which I didn't want to explain why the police had brought me and why I couldn't be alone)), go to the ed which I said I wouldn't do as my next door neighbour is top consultant there and can't risk her seeing me, or putting me on a 136 and going to the 136suite.

I said I wouldn't do any and lots of phone calls were made as they didn't want to leave me but I was in my own home, calm and collected in had nothing to arrest me on. I spoke the girl at 136 I've met a number of times and told her I was feeling. I said that while I was still having massive urges they weren't as bad as before when I was at the bridge. I was lying I just wanted the police to go and me to get some rest as by then they'd been at my house about 1.5 Hours.

They still weren't happy when I'd spoken to 136 and given assurance I'd call back if things got worse. In the end they managed to talk me into going to the 136. They kept saying I was doing the best thing although it wasn't technically a legal 1 as I was in my own home and willing they said I hadn't been willing and had got me while I was out Front having a cig.

So, another mental assessment. This time it was the AMHP who sectioned me the first time back in august 2011. I didn't know the others. Got asked the usual questions I replied with honest answers and said I wasn't sure if could keep myself safe. I wasn't. He also told me he'd spoken to my nearest relatives about what was going on and they were coming back off their holiday because of me. So I was quite upset.

In the end they let me go but can't remember what they said to me. I got home and the first thing I did was take a massive od of my prescription pills. I did this and got into bed. I actually believed being as though tricylic kind it was dangerous and would work well. Next thing I know I'm being woken up by banging on my balcony window. My brother had been called from my parents, told the situation and been told to go round babysit me. He'd climbed onto a wheelie bin, onto my dad's van to get a ladder, over a 7foot tall locked gate to get up to my balcony. I'd had my headphones in so didn't hear the door downstairs.

I said all I wanted to do was sleep and not talk but he said he'd not be going anywhere and would be downstairs when I decided to go down. From here all I've got are flashes of memory.

I remember going downstairs and seeing the dog so I knew parents were back. I was out side on my hands and knees looking for my car keys cos I was worried I dropped them and we'd get broken in to. I'd tried the back door and it was locked. So I had have to have done it somehow. Then my mum shouting if anyone was there and I came forward.  We went back in the house and I'd been asked if I'd been drinking. The experience was exactly like it. I told them I hadn't so they figured out the od bit for themselves.

I remember my dad calling an ambulance and me walking out to it. Then the ambulance man asking one of my parents to come and both said no. Then I have memory of them taking my watch off and the next thing I know I'm waking up on the ward attached to a heart machine. They said I'd been quite poorly and they couldn't get me to regain consciousness.

I was still quite ill the rest of the day hearing and seeing things and thinking I'd done something to open my eyes to be in the same place still.

I remember my CPN coming along with a woman from the DPM. They said they thought I needed to be in hospital again. I said I didn't want to so she said she was going to have to arrange another assessmentt then. She said if I told them what I'd told her they wouldn't let me go. So long story short I've agreed to another informal admission back on to the ward I was on before. Just waiting on a bed at moment so they've kept me on medical ward until it's freed up which should be today at some point.

I'm really going to make an effort for them to help me. Try not to self harm and do all they tell me etc.

Wish me luck.

Yet Another Night Of Struggling

Don't know why I bother calling crisis team. It's not as though they are much help to me. I did my usual going for a drive and ending up by the bridge over the river. I even climbed up in a position. As I looked down I just thought how easy it would be. What held me back though was I wasn't sure if it was high enough.

So that was what made me call them again. I spent nearly an hour on the phone to a woman there but she made me not feel any better or any worse. In the end she said she was going to send the police so I jumped back in my car and came home which is where I am now writing this after about 10 minutes of being home. I hung up on her as she was talking about the police and I was worried if they came they would put me on a 136. So I have come home and now am sat thinking about doing something else. I have had a phone call from the police but didn't answer it, I think they are by the river looking for me. If I am in my own home they can't 136 me. So even though I was more with it by the river I don't want to risk the 136.

Evenings are the worst for me. I don't know why. Does anyone else get that? I think the best thing to do now would be to take about 3 zopiclones and knock myself out for the night. They've not really worked for me the past couple of nights and I have not slept, maybe that makes things worse for me.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I was hoping by writing it may get some things in my head in order but it hasn't really. I guess I'll be chain smoking again. I just hope the police don't turn up at my door.

What Happened

I thought I was going to have a full MHA assessment but that wasn't the case.

I was called in to see my inpatient consultant in the afternoon after being placed on the 5.2 the previous night before. I was asked what I wanted and I said I wasn't sure I wanted to be alive right now, I was having massive urges to self harm and attempt and wasn't sure if I was able to keep myself safe. Yet, I felt that being on the ward was having a negative affect on me as I was struggling with the other patients and when I was on my own I was struggling to do anything to distract myself. I don't know why they bothered asking me what I thought as it appears they had already made the decision to discharge me. They said they were going to let me go, well more of a we don't want you here and we will have crisis team work with you instead. They'll be in contact.

I came away from the ward angry as no practical support was given, but then I suppose I put them in an awkward position also. I did go in informally because I suppose I felt there was nothing else to do. Maybe there is some part of me that doesn't want to die. Well I am almost sure of it. I think it's not that I want to die it's that I don't want to live. Does that make sense?

For a while I was planning on attempting again tonight. I have loads of meds in as the hospital gave me 2 weeks supply (another reason why I think they had already decided before speaking to me as you don't get TTO's that quickly from seeing a doc to leaving the ward) and I had just filled a prescription before I went into hospital. I don't know why I have decided not to. I think some of it is because I am physically unwell also. Unusually so it takes a lot of energy to do something about how I am feeling. And it feels as though someone has been at my throat with 876 razor blades and stuffed my sinuses up. All I have done today is watch TV that TiVo has recorded for me while I was in hospital and ate. Starve a fever, feed a cold and all that. Although now I feel crap for eating so much crap as I want to be healthier. I needed to talk to someone earlier about how I was feeling and so I did call crisis team and they said they are discussing me tomorrow in their MDT meeting and will call me back. But I did do what they said and cooked myself something and had a long soak in the bath and pampered myself a little. Got clean PJ's on and planning on taking a zopiclone to get a good nights sleep.

I have booked a mini holiday for myself. I have booked to go to Whitby for Halloween on my own. It's Goth week there and it's on the coast, so I should be able to get some good pics. I just hope the weather is not wet. I can deal with the cold but cold, wet coastal weather will not be pleasant. I am only going for 3 nights. I feel quite nervous about it. Before I booked it I considered booking a hotel somewhere to go and do the deed as such and I haven't quite decided if I am going to. It's a good opportunity to. But, something in me in the last day has sprung up that wants to fight these suicidal urges. Not sure where it's come from though or how long it will last. But anyway, I am nervous about going. I can go to SE Asia on my own for 3 months and not be bothered but 3 days away on the English coast I am nervous about. What's that all about?

In reply to the comment on the last post about if I was going to do something why not just do it while I was out. Well, while I was out I didn't have the urge and was managing to cope ok. It was while I was back on the ward later that evening (too late to leave) that I began to really not be able to cope with what was going through my head and the other people I was around. One girl in particular, who was manic was really getting to me accusing me of stuff I hadn't done and then another girl who kept going in to my room and going through my things. I couldn't cope with it. It all came to a head and I just had to get out which is why I tried to scale the fence and do a runner. Although me not exactly being that agile was not able to jump over and out run the two blokes who were further up than me and rugby tackled me to the ground.

Is it possible to be manic but feel low still? I think I am having some manic symptoms but feeling low. Racing thoughts, no concentration, no sleep, can't sit still, erratic spending on stupid things. My thing at the moment is pants. I must have brought about 30 pairs of pants in the last 2 weeks. Generally spending a lot of money on things I don't need or particularly want. It's weird. When I have been like this in the past I have usually felt quite high and happy and it's been quite a good experience, except the spending which has got me into trouble. I am not sure what to make of it all really?!

So I will get a phone call from crisis team tomorrow for them to tell me what they want to do with me and I see me CPN Beth on Thursday. Last time I saw her she asked me to consider if I wanted to continue to see her. I have put quite a lot of thought into it. I think I need all the support I can get at the moment and so I think it will be a good idea to continue to see her.

Anyway, I should go upstairs take my zopiclone and try and rest to get rid of this cold.

Night.

xxx

Shit. A Section 5.2

I tried to do a runner. Managed to hop a 4 foot fence not so gracefully or painlessly to have two guys already have beaten me to it and rugby tackle me. This has all led to a 5.2 and waiting a full are you mental enough to be detained assessment tomorrow. I want to leave. Reason being, I don't think being here is helping. Who knows what they'll say tomorrow. I don't think it will be Dr T as he's got clinic so that's a good thing. But at the end of the day the decision comes down to the AMHP. It's them I've got to pursuade that yes, while I am actively suicidal and self harming hospital is not the best place for me. And worryingly I saw my psychologist today and we talked about if I was making plans and I admitted to him I was. He, I assume is under the belief that I need to be here at the moment as a crisis intervention. Not long term like last time but just at the moment. So I'm kind of expecting to be put on a section 2 tomorrow. A 3 if I'm unlucky. I didn't think I'd be able to make the fence. But I did. But now I'm in pain. It was awful. I'd had my hood up so as I was being escorted back to the ward it was like being blindfolded and forced fast. Scary stuff. In the end I agreed to oral medication. I don't really like taking it as it knocks me out the next day. I'm like a zombie on it. Psychologist even said today at 4pm you look like you're falling asleep. On a plus point of the day which nearly made me cry. I was at a soft play area with my nephews (I was informal so could leave during the day) and the 3 year old stopped what he was doing came and sat next to me put his arm round me and said 'I really love you'! I'm so blessed to have such amazing nephews but the way I see it at the moment is they are still at that age where they are so young they won't remember me. So it's kind of now or never. Wish me luck for tomorrow. Xxx

Still Not Going Well

Title says it all really.

Ended up breaking down after an attempt to a nurse. She seemed to know a hell of a lot about me considering I've never had a conversation with her before.

They've basically said to me that if I continue to self harm they'll discharge me. Doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to be here at all. In both senses. So it leaves me with a lot of thoughts. I've never been told if I do what I want to do then I'll be discharged.

Massive urges to cut tonight. And I mean massive. I've got the blade I know exactly where I'd do it and all I can picture is doing it and the feeling of doing it. It's making me feel sick with anticipation. I'll try haloperidol and lorazepam see if that works. I know I need to be stronger. I need to not give in.

I bumped into psychologist in the corridor this morning. He looked shocked to see me and I asked him if he knew I was in and he said he did. Also saw my favourite nurse from when I was on PICU. She gave me pity look that people give when you tell people or people know. Psychologist gives it me every now and then. I don't know if it's genuine or if these people really care and not just because they're paid to. What are other peoples thoughts on that????

Thanks for reading.

I Don't Know How I'm Getting By.

I'm really struggling. I've even tried some of the mindfulness that my psychologist said I need to be doing. But it's made me feel worse. I know you're supposed to acknowledge the thoughts but I can't help but for them to take over. At least when I'm not doing it there is some mild distraction like my music. There. I obviously can distract myself. Maybe crisis team are right?!

But right now all I can think about is trying to hang myself. I've even gone as far as making the lig. The rational normal person in me says hand it in. I know I should. But even if I don't use it tonight I may need it for another so I can't get rid of it.

I've worked out often I'm usually checked and where and when. I know for instance if I lie in bed it's very unlikely I'll get caught out. Or where the lig points are in the room. But that's less likely as if someone does check I'll be seen.

Sorry. I can see what I'm doing here. It doesn't make nice reading. But I've never kept this blog for anyone other than myself. If people do read it and find they don't like it don't read it. It helps me to get how and what I'm feeling down.

I really don't know how I'm surviving being here at the moment. It's not will, it's not wanting to. I really don't know. Maybe there is part of my subconsciousness that believes my psychologist. After all he wouldn't get where he is spouting shit. I'd hope not anyway!

Back From Medical Ward

I had to tell them. I was stood on a bridge ready to jump on to train tracks when someone asked if I was ok. I said I was. Then I thought I don't want someone witnessing it or feeling they could have somehow prevented it by braking sooner etc. I thought if I didn't do something about the OD I wasn't going to be able to hide it and by refusing treatment it would get me sectioned again which I didn't want.

So I called the ward after getting lost on my way back and they sent someone out to meet me and sent me off to hospital in a taxi with an escort. It was horrible. First off they spent over an hour trying to get blood from me as I have crap veins. Then he decides to go for my groin. Ow ow ow. I think I may have even screamed! Then I was told if I don't have treatment that I'd die. Not just have a fucked up liver but I'd die. I said I wanted that anyway but being as though I knew they'd go through the whole process of getting me sectioned and force treatment on me I would have it.

Then the nausea came. Then the throwing up. I'll leave out the details. Just that it wasn't pleasant. And was told to shush by another patient for throwing up too loudly. Lovely!

I was kept in 3nights. The psych ward gave my bed away and also meant I lost my escort. But it meant when they decided I did need a bed I was on the medical ward a night longer than needed to be. They wouldn't let me be discharged yet they let me leave the ward when I wanted. I don't get that.

So today come back to my original psych ward. Great. And I can't help it but I'm already putting stuff in place how I can harm and attempt while I'm here. Not the best way not to end up sectioned is it. But I've gotta win one day. Over 500 suicides occur in UK psych hospitals every year. So well that's my thinking!

Fucked up Even Bigger!

I've done it now. I walked off the ward on pretence I was going for a cig. But I left. Went to Tesco and brought a load of paracetamol and have taken a load. Now if I go back I'm bound to be sectioned. What the hell was I thinking? I'll start being sick soon so I won't be able to hide it. What the fucking hell am I going to do!

Hospital Again

Didn't have full assessment in the end but I was placed in a side room for 7hours with a security guard outside on red alert what ever that means. A doc came down to see me and said still hadn't got team together for assessment but would chat with me and look into what will happen.

Long story short I was talked into coming back in informally. Both my brothers were there and they talked me into it. They said I'm not being honest with myself about how ill I am. I think I am. I really didn't want this. The doctor said it's for the best and I'd made the best decision. I don't know. I don't want to be here but I think I probably need to be at the moment. I just hope I can cope better than last time and not get sectioned and end up on a PICU. The only female PICU is the one fingers works on. It would be awful after my complaint got him suspended.

What I remember from last night is that I cut badly and it wouldn't stop bleeding. I walked to the hospital and was stopped by a police man and the next thing I know I wake up in resus. They cut all my clothes off me. And had security escort in there as I tried to leave and him and a male nurse were holding on to me. Even when I used a commode the 2 blokes stayed. It was awful. No dignity left in tact.

I just wanna go home. My parents don't know I'm here yet as they're still on holiday. They're back tomorrow. I know if I go home I'll just end up doing something so maybe the extra support of being here will help. I hope I don't have to wait until next week to see my psychologist. We're not scheduled until then but I'm hoping if he knows I'm back in I'll be able to see him sooner.

Wish me luck for everything.

Xxx

Again.

I'm sat in the emergency department. Not really sure how I got here all I know is I woke up in resus covered in blood. And they won't let me go. They're saying I'm too high risk and need to have yet another full MHA assessment. I think there's gotta be a record.

Crisis Team

My psychologist thought it be a good idea that crisis team pay me a visit over this weekend. So here I am now waiting for them to come in the next 45mins. I'm dreading it. I've not had good experiences with them in the past. My dealings with them have landed me in hospital.

I'm tempted to ring them up and tell them not to bother but I don't think they'll listen to me. Especially as last time I lied to them and said I was out I ended up on intensive care of medical kind. So probably not a good idea as they won't believe me. All they'll talk about is distracting myself. Something I find really hard to do. But I must be doing something right as I've not done anything. Not yet anyway.

Wish me luck!

What's Going On.

I think I finally got to sleep around 07.30am this morning to wake up at 09.30am. Not good. Doesn't seem as though the Zopiclone worked.

Skip back to Thursday. I had appointment with the Psychologist. I was dreading it. I knew he would know about the 136. But I didn't know he was involved with it. He said he came to the suite at the same time as everyone else. So I wonder if they had that meeting about me there and that's why I was waiting over an hour from being told everyone had arrived to them coming to assess me. I'm kind of glad he didn't come in though as I was in a mess. Smudged eye make-up half way down my face, messy hair, the day before clothes and covered in blood. It was bad enough there being four people there anyway without him being in on it also.

Anyway he wanted to know what had gone off and I told him the story and he asked questions about the police and what happened. He asked if they were nice to me and I said at first they weren't but then that was my own doing as I kept trying to do a runner but after I stopped doing that they were nice to me. He asked if they cuffed me and I said yes and how it was so mortifying.

Again we talked about confidentiality and when they break it by telling my parents. I do get why, because if I have done something life threatening like swallowing something they need to be aware in case I get really ill so they can do something about it. Also there's the issue of the service being held liable if I do something, tell them and they don't do anything. So, yeah I get it. It's just not nice being on the receiving end of it. He told me that in the meeting himself and the OT had stated that they both felt uncomfortable with the whole breaking confidentiality thing as they were the people I saw the most and they were worried about what it would do to our relationship with them and that I would probably hold back. Which I agreed that if I now did something I wouldn't be telling them. He asked me if there was much point in me continuing to see him if I wasn't going to be honest with him and I said there was as there was more to it than that.

We talked about the feelings of paranoia and I explained how I felt that people were watching me and following me even when I was in my own home. That I was being recorded on camera. He asked who I thought it may be and I said I didn't know. I also said I try and rationalise these thoughts by telling myself I am being stupid and although this helps a little I am still left with niggling feelings that I am being watched. I have a thing about police cars and ambulances that if I see one I think they are coming for me. This is not good living near a hospital as you can hear sirens every time you go outside so I get quite paranoid about that also. I know I am being paranoid on this and it's not real. But I can't help having this small niggling feeling that it is true. And when I have a paranoia attack before I can rationalise it it's awful.

I told him how I had counted what pills I had in the house and how many I had. He asked why I had over 150 paracetamol. It was because I was prescribed so many last year after the operation and they are left over. Also if I get a head ache while I am out I just tend to pick up a pack of them. They're not exactly expensive at 17p a pack. I told him I didn't have a plan to which his reply was along the lines of well of course you wouldn't even tell me if you did and would deny having one any way wouldn't you? To which I could only agree with him. And I haven't got a plan. Just the feeling that it's something I need to do as I can't go on like this anymore. I explained that I didn't feel I could continue like I was and I couldn't make any promises that I could continue to keep myself safe. He took that as me telling him I was going to OD and said he was concerned as he wasn't sure what he was going to do. he said he didn't want to arrange for MHA assessment but it didn't look as though I was leaving him much choice. He asked me if I wanted to come back in to hospital and I said no. But, on the Tuesday night I did make the effort to call crisis team first before I did anything. I think this clinched it for him so he said he wouldn't do anything on this occasion.

He said he had put quite a lot of thought in to what I had told him about what had happened that night when my Mum got really drunk and abusive towards me. He said he was quite concerned for me living in that kind of environment and he had thought about getting the Safeguarding team involved as he was concerned for my welfare. I was quite puzzled,shocked and a little bit angry by this. And I told him so. How can they on one hand say it's in my best interests to inform my parents of things (I can understand the life threatening but in the past it's even just been when I've cut) when I have explicitly said it will make things worse for me and why and then say they are considering me as a safeguarding referral?

So the appointment came to an end with us going in to the car park and him making me look him in the eye and promising that I'll see him again in two weeks. I said I couldn't make any promises but I would try my hardest.

So back to today. I got up at around 09.30am and just paced around the house. I tried to keep myself busy and distracted. But it wasn't really working. So I called the team I am under to try and speak to my CPN but she wasn't in and isn't until Tuesday. So I spoke to the duty worker. We spoke for about 15minutes and she said I needed to carry on distracting myself and we went over a list of activities that I could try and do and ones I had already done. She said she would speak to the crisis team and get back to me. She called back an hour later saying she had spoken to Dr T my consultant psych and he wanted to prescribe Quetiapine 25mg 2x a day a 4 day supply. This annoyed me. What use is that going to be. She talked me into going an picking it up from my GP surgery and I took the first dose with no affect at all. Neither the second dose. It's not going to work. If they're going to put me on that again it needs to be how it was before a dose of around 300mg once a day and for more than 4 bloody days! She kept calling me back every hour or so until she finished updating me with what was going on and that crisis team were going to call me this evening.

Come 17.15pm I get a phone call which I think it from crisis team but it's not. It's my psychologist. He said he had been concerned and wanted to see how I was doing. I am not sure if he knew what was going on, I don't think he did. I told him all about the urges still being massive and that I didn't want to live like this and I was sick of fighting it. He heard the dog in the background and asked who would look after her if I was successful in the OD and I said I had thought about it. Before it was the thing that was stopping me but now the more I think about it the more I think she would be ok for a couple of days. I would fill a few bowls up with food and water to make sure she was ok. As it's closer to my parents getting home the more and more stronger these urges are getting as it's less time she would be on her own for. He said this was not a good thing to be saying. He asked me if I would come back in to hospital and he thought it would be a good idea while I was on my own. I said there was no way that was going to happen. I am not going back to that place. He was trying to talk me in to it but I wasn't budging on my decision. In the end he wanted to get crisis team to come out and see me as he wasn't sure I was going to be ok and I told him I was waiting for them to get back to me anyway as I had spoken to the duty worker today and she was getting them involved. It said he didn't know this as he had not been down to see that team today. I thought it would have all been on RIO in my notes though. He kept telling me it will get better but it won't if I am dead. Again I didn't tell him my theory on this. Just that I don't believe it will get better. And even if it did sooner or later, and probably sooner I will end up back where I am now!

So crisis team called at about 7pm and quite honestly they were useless again. Although I am not sure what else they can offer me. All they talked about were distraction techniques and what I should be doing. I felt deflated yet again by them as nothing practical was offered. I ended up calling them back at about 20.45pm and saying I had tried the techniques but they just weren't working and all I got was she will call me back tomorrow and to persevere with it. They have made an appointment to come see me on Sunday. But again I am not sure what they can do for me.

So I'll probably have another long night ahead of me pacing the house and smoking like a chimney resisting the urge to swallow a load of pills. I really can't handle this. I need something to knock me out.

Waste of Time

I am in a right mess. I have popped the pills and keep looking at them ready to take them. I did that quite a lot earlier and had to get out the house. So I went for a drive. I ended up by the river about an hour and a half later and thought that I can't go on like this. So I called crisis team again.

I told him how I had popped the pills and he basically said along the lines of he can't advocate me taking them but if it makes me feel better? He told me to carry on driving. So I did for another half hour or so until I pulled out in front of someone as I wasn't concentrating properly so ended up driving home in tears at my own stupidity of putting other people at risk.

I've been home about 2.5 hours and about 1.5 hours ago I took 15mg of Zopiclone and 4 Night Nurse. I thought it would make me tired enough to sleep but it hasn't. I have got in to my PJ's and lied on the bed trying to relax and trying to be mindful of stuff to try and ease the thoughts but it's not worked.

The pills are still there shouting at me to take them. So I called crisis team back ( a 3 minute phone call) and he told me to write what I was feeling so here I am.

So what am I feeling. Anxious, low, suicidal. The urges are so strong. The thoughts in my head keep going around telling me I should kill myself as it will be easier than living like this. I saw the Psychologist today (maybe I'll write more about the appointment tomorrow if I haven't done anything) and he said I will get better but I won't if I am dead. I didn't say but I don't think I will get better. I am always going to be like this so what is the point? I can't live like this. I can't live with the urges as strong as they are, the mood changes and the depression that is so consuming. The Depakote has seemed to have stopped me from having the highs but not the depressions. I liked the highs. I felt alive when I had the highs, yes there are the negative sides to them such as the reckless spending, I have slept with people and put myself in risky situations. But generally they are good. When I am high, I am not depressed!

I hate being this person. I am ruled by my own negative thoughts. I don't feel as though I have anything to live for. I can't see a future that's not this. I don't want that. Who would?  What kind of life is that? A pretty shit one really isn't it? If I was an animal I would be put down.

He told me to write down a plan for tomorrow. But I don't want a tomorrow if it's going to be the same as today and yesterday and the day before etc. I don't know if they can help me. I don't know if I want to die. I just know that I can't live like this. "I don't wanna die but I ain't keen on living either" as Robbie says in Feel. But I can't see a way out. My way out is by dying. I haven't got the effort to fight it any more. Maybe I should be back in hospital? But then I still find ways of doing risky stuff that could kill me. Even when I was on PICU. So I don't even see how that would help. I just wish someone could take all of this away.

Now what do I do?

The 136 Story

So as I have said before I have really been struggling with the thoughts and urges recently. I have been having massive paranoia attacks that I am being watched or being filmed and that when I see a police car or ambulance they are coming to get me. Not good really. It doesn't help that for the past couple of weeks I have been getting by on no more than 3-4 hours sleep a night. It is taking me a few hours to finally drop off after tossing and turning then I'll sleep for a couple of hours to wake up again. Then I will only really doze and not sleep properly. So it's been really hard keeping on top of these urges.

Yesterday I went through the house looking what medication I had in and found a hell of a lot. So I went out in the evening until 8 and I felt that I could not return home as the temptation was far too much. So I drove aimlessly around the city ending up near the river. I find water a calming influence and I needed to be calmed down. I knew what I was doing was ridiculous and I couldn't keep driving up all night as I had to get home to the dog. So I called crisis team. The out of hours number now goes through to the 136 suite and I knew the person I was talking to, which did actually help. We talked through a few things and she asked where I was and she told me to go home and she would call me 15minutes later to coincide with me getting home so we could formulate a plan. We agreed it may be a good idea for me to take some Night Nurse to try and help me get to sleep. I didn't tell her but I thought it would be a good idea to double the dose and drink a bottle of wine. It didn't work. I thought the wine would increase the effects of the tablets. But as it turns out the tablets were pretty shit and didn't work at all. So queue two hours lying in bed me getting more and more frustrated as was something I was positive would work. All these urges and thoughts are going around in my head.

I thought if I just cut a little it would stop me doing something more serious like swallowing something or overdosing. Well, the little cut turned into a massive cut. Not just one but 3. And, somehow managed to cut my knuckle open. I can't remember doing that though. I also swallowed the razors that I cut with but I didn't tell anyone that. I called 136 suite back and she said I needed to get down to the ED and she would call an ambulance for me. I said I didn't want an ambulance turning up on my road so I would call a taxi to take me there. The taxi didn't turn up so I said I would walk to the ED as is only a 15min walk. I really didn't want to go as the other day I found out my next door neighbour is some high up consultant there now. She moved from another city to the hospital across the road. I didn't want to risk seeing her. So on the way I decided I wasn't going to go anymore. So I ignored my phone as the woman from 136 suite was calling me back. I don't know what made me do it but I thought it would be a good idea to walk down the central reservation of the dual carriage way. Someone called the police and ambulance and that freaked me out so I kept trying to run off from the police. This led them in to restraining me and putting me on the 136. At the hospital I kept trying to get away so they ended up handcuffing me and one time behind my back and being frog marched to the treatment room. All I could think about was ending up back in hospital on a section which I was terrified of and wanted to get away. Not the best behaviour to portray if you want to come across as sane.

A really kind nurse stitched me up and I have ended up with about 25 stitches in various wounds. By this point I had calmed down and was more rational. However, the police still wanted to take me round to the 136 suite. They said they weren't going to take the chance. They were a lot nicer to me once I had calmed down also and they let me have a cigarette before going in to the 136 suite. I apologised to them for my behaviour and they told me not to worry about it and thanked me for apologising. I knew I had been a dickhead to them and was fighting with them. I was not being rational at all.

So on to the 136 suite and was a guy I knew who was the HCA who was working and he said he was sorry to see me again and hoped it was just a blip. Had a bit of a chat with him and he put me at ease. The nurse who was on was really nice as well. I have never met him before which is odd considering I spent nearly a year in hospital.

I was taken on to the suite at 7.20am but didn't get seen until nearly 2pm for the MHA assessment. The team including my consultant psychiatrist (who I am not keen on), my CPN (we know my feelings there), the AMHP and another psychiatrist arrived at 1pm so I was getting myself really wound up thinking that they were going to keep me in as it shouldn't be taking so long from them arriving to coming to see me. I had visions of them looking for beds and making phone calls to my parents etc.

They asked me about the night before and what had happened. I explained just what had happened and how I felt about things at the moment and that I have been really struggling with the thoughts and the lack of sleep is just making it worse as I am not able to deal with it. So they said they were happy with the progress I had been making so far and even if I can't see it I am improving and I should be commended on the efforts I am making to try and get better. I asked Dr T if I could go back on Quetiapine as I did feel positive benefits when I was on that and felt that it made me less impulsive and more controlled. I only came off it as I thought it was increasing my appetite but there's not been any difference since I have come off it. I did think it has a sedating effect also and I was getting a decent amount of sleep when I was on that and was generally more settled. But, Dr T said he wanted to wait a few more weeks to see how things go as he is not a believer in throwing medication at people. So if I still feel the same in a few weeks I need to speak to my CPN about it.

The outcome of the assessment was that they have prescribed me sleeping pills for the next four nights so that hopefully I can get into a routine and if I need more after to go to my GP for some more. I pushed the whole it's because I am not sleeping thing which I think is what got me off. Luckily they didn't ask me about the thoughts, urges, if I thought I could keep myself safe and if I wanted to die. I don't think there would have been the same outcome if they did, so I lucked out there.

I was told my parents would not be informed on this occasion but I still don't know if Beth will inform them. They (Dr T, Beth, Psychologist and OT) were supposed to have this case conference today about me but that was cancelled because they came to assess me to see if I was mental enough to be detained. She said she would call me tomorrow about things. I am not sure how things are going to go.

I see the psychologist tomorrow so that's going to be embarrassing. He will question me about everything and I am really not looking forward to the appointment. I am not sure how useful it's going to be and what mood it's going to put me in. Luckily I have a friend over for dinner tomorrow evening and I am cooking something I have never done before which should take my mind off things. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Xxx

Fucked Up! Big Time!

I am writing this from the 136 suite. I was caught on my way to hospital to get stitched up walking down the middle of a dual carriage way.

I'd called crisis team. Why? I don't know. At least it was someone I knew though. I called them before I cut to talk through how much I was struggling and needed to do something. Then we agreed I'd take some night nurse. So I took 4 of those hoping the double dose would knock me out along with the wine but I was just lying there tossing and turning and things got worse. So I cut! Really bad. I don't know why I called them back. Obviously they told me to go to hospital. I said I didn't want to and she said she was going to send an ambulance if I didn't agree to make my own way there.

I called a cab but it never showed so I decided to walk. Stupid me. I don't know what went through my head. On the way there I decided I really didn't want to go or even be around and that walking down the middle of a dual carriage way would be a good idea. Someone called the police and an ambulance and they pushed me into ambulance and forced me on to bed. I tried doing a runner a couple of times from the hospital but it just landed me in cuffs. Ended up with about 25 stitches. Stupid me!

So now I'm waiting for yet another mental health act assessment. I just hope it's not my consultant doing it as I'm sure he'd probably want me in. I can't stand the guy. This will be my 7th are you mental enough to be sectioned assessment in just over a year. Not good really is it!

I'm on my phone at the moment but will write another post when I've got internet access!

Xxx