Where Am I Now?

I have still not been discharged. But I am on leave. This post is today October 17th.

I have been on leave since Monday last week, bar one night when I was asked to stay. Big mistake. Will explain more in a minute.

First off, uni have pissed me off. All along they have been supportive saying concentrate on getting better, don't worry about the course as you can come back on it when you are better and indicating it would be fine for me to return once I was out of hospital. Then all of a sudden they emailed the hospital with a whole bunch of reasons why they thought it not be a good idea that I return this year. Some of them I understood, I expected it from the beginning when I first informed them I was in hospital. But it came so quick. The hospital knew that. And, it was why I was not discharged on Thursday as the plan was. I was asked if I would stay that night as the news had upset me and I agreed. Going back to uni this year has been my main focus in trying to get better, trying to show them that I could seek help when I needed it. By this I mean seeking out staff when I was struggling and talking to them and asking for PRN medication if I felt I needed it. And in uni giving me this news I kind of felt as what's the point! The hospital were worried I would act badly and because it was my focus wanted me to be around staff that night so I could talk to them if I needed.

So I was allowed to go home for a few hours to take my car home and pick up clothes so I could get changed the next day etc. 9pm I was back on the ward. 10pm I had to get off. So I did. I took myself off without telling anyone where I was going and over stayed my unescorted leave. I needed to be alone. I needed to be out of the place. It has a smell about it. It has a feeling. It makes me feel worse. It wasn't that settled either and so it was making me feel anxious and I couldn't think. So I needed to have time on my own. I knew the ward were getting worried when I had missed calls from them and then the security guards asked me if I was GP and I denied it. I moved to a quieter place, still within hospital grounds. After about 2 hours some staff found me. I did not want to go back to the ward and they called a security guard. I explained how I felt and that it was being on there. I tried walking away from them but they grabbed me. They were being nice to me though.

After a while one of the staff flagged down the police who were driving past. They asked me to go back and I still was saying no. So they handcuffed me. They put me in their car. I managed to get out the handcuffs and tried to get out the car by winding down the window and trying to open it from the outside but the police man grabbed on to me. By now I was feeling even worse and was getting quite angry about being dragged back to the ward so I was struggling. They dumped me back on the ward and staff took me to my room and IM'd me with medication but I was still quite irate. I had a razor on me also as I planned on self harming. I didn't tell them this but they knew as they had found the broken remnants of one. They were holding on to me as I would not give it up and while I was upset they wouldn't leave me alone. At this point they were wanting to get me transferred to PICU again and even called the local one trying to get me a bed there. Thankfully they were full and the one I was in before was too far away for transfer in the middle of the night. It all ended with the staff coming off me and staying in my room. They let me keep the razor but said I had to take it out my mouth if I wanted them to leave me alone as they didn't want me swallowing it in my sleep. So I was able to wrap it in a tissue and put it under the pillow. It ended with me falling asleep.

The next morning I was woken by staff coming in my room to get the razor. Being as though I was in a medication hangover I gave it up with no resistance. So that was on Thursday.

What has happened since then?

Even though I had been upset the night before the PDoc granted my leave and over the weekend I went to a family wedding. It was really hard. All my family know that I have been in hospital and so I had them constantly checking on me making sure I was ok and trying to talk to me about what had happened and what was happening now. I got home from the wedding drained. It didn't help my Dad got really pissed and was really annoying. The split between my parents is also bothering me quite a lot. I feel as though I am in the middle of both of them. I am living with my Mum at the moment. We have moved house and it is a lot smaller than the house we lived in with my Dad. So she has had to leave quite a lot of stuff. But he doesn't want her stuff around and so he keeps on at me to try and get my Mum to sort it out and has boxed up a load of stuff and made me bring it back. I keep getting from both of them their own takes on things and how they are coping and I know it sounds selfish but I can't cope at the moment with dealing with their problems as well as my own. The PDoc said I need to set boundaries with them, but I don't feel that I can.

What am I going to do with the next year?

Well I am going to have to claim benefits for a while. I don't hold much hope in getting a job any time soon. I feel that I am not well enough yet to do something that I hate doing as it will make me feel worse. I know that will probably receive criticism from some people but if you don't like what you read don't read it. I don't plan on being on them long. I am giving myself until Xmas to get myself sorted out with a job. I am also going to try and do some short courses while I am off over the next year. I want to do something that is going to help me with my career as I haven't exactly gone and helped it by getting sectioned. So I was thinking something like counselling skills. I will have to see what's out there.

So, I went back to the hospital today after my weekend of leave. I had to see the PDOC. We had a chat about basically everything I have written on here and diagnosis. He asked me what I thought about everything now and I said I was worried as I had been having bad thoughts over the weekend. He said he had the feeling that being in hospital made things worse for me in terms of the self harm as I have more things stopping me at home. The fact I can't lock any doors is a major factor at home. And the house is so small that I would feel weird self harming while my Mum is so close. He said he felt that if something was going to happen it would have happened by now with me. So although I felt worried he had less concerns. He spoke to me about diagnosis also.

 He said it wasn't a PD. He said there was no way I could complete a year of a Masters level course and not completely fall apart at the first hurdle. He said he would expect someone with a PD to have increased self harm and attempts when they were stressed and struggling over things such as hard essays and other bad things that happen in life. He said it hadn't happened with me. He said I had stumbled at times but had managed to get myself through it. He also said with PD the traits are there all the time where as with me they are not, they are just there when I am struggling. And on to the traits. There are not enough traits there to be able to be diagnosed with it. He said he agreed with the diagnosis of Cyclothymic disorder (basically a milder form of bi-polar) that the other PDoc had given me. The medication that I have been given for mood disorder has worked which again indicates it is a mood disorder.

I have said all along that there are traits. I have acknowledged that, but I have also said it is not a PD. I have tried to fight this, not just because of the stigma of PD but because I felt I didn't have it.

There is someone who commented on one of my posts under anonymous was quite rude over the diagnosis thing. I don't get people who go by anonymous. Why hide behind it? Anyway, that's a whole new topic and I have written enough now. I am tired and going to go to bed after being a good patient on leave and taking my range of medication. I wonder how long I will have to deal with medication for if it's something I will be on for the rest of my life. It makes me kind of worried really. But if the sodium valporate is stabilising my mood then I should be thankful for that. At the moment I need just to concentrate on that.