October 5th - Moving On

I was a sulky teenager. More than sulky. A problem. I cried because I was not in my own room and put in a dorm. I was being mardy as I was saying that they couldn’t expect me to be on high obs and have to share a room with other people as wasn’t fair on them or me. It was bad enough being followed everywhere without having to share with other people. I became loud and verbal and kicked the wardrobe and tried to pull the mattress off the bed. They did actually move me to my own room. I feel bad for creating a ruckus and acting like a teenager and I hate the impression it may have given people of me. I was walking over the ward trying to lock myself in rooms and telling my observing member of staff, whom, I liked as a member of staff, to piss off and leave me alone. I was awful to him and he was so nice to me I still feel bad about it.


The Psychiatrist saw me and we spoke about the obs and we agreed that I could go into the toilet and shower on my own. The next day when I woke up my shadow had gone all together. Move on a week and I am here now having been told I can leave the ward on my own for an hour at a time and 4 hours if I am with staff or my mum. I have been given a diagnosis which is not PD but something on the bi-polar spectrum I can’t remember. It’s like mild bi-polar. The psych called my mum and has said I should be allowed home leave at the weekend and hopefully being discharged next week.

I have also seen my Dad and it’s been ok. I need to try and be there for him as my mum leaving him is going to hit him pretty hard. I need to find an activity we can do together that I won’t give up on. He wants me to join a gym with him. I’m thinking playing badminton a couple of times a week. I don’t like the gym. I am still recovering from the operation and I do tire easily. Walking to the main entrance and back knackers me out at the moment.

What I don’t understand is how suddenly everything is happening. I said this to my parents. My mum said maybe because I now have a settled home to go to. My Dad said he thinks because I am obviously getting better and he has noticed big changes in me. I’ve lost quite a lot of weight but not just that. He said I seem brighter and loads better. I know I am not cured and there are still going to up and down days. But, I feel more positive. I still have the suicidal thoughts but they are not as bad and I am feeling good about wanting to go back to uni this year and get on with it. I suppose the move to MCH and even being on the high obs has been good for me. The staff are better here and a lot more caring. I am able to be more open with them.

I know next time I write I may not be so positive but I see it as a positive now that I am able to write a more positive post. Even positive considering I had PRN 3 nights running and self-harmed only 2 nights ago. It’s not a big setback for me though. I think I am always going to self-harm and I need to get out the mind-set that I am going to be cured. I also think it’s because of how serious it has been when I have self harmed which led to my admission and how I have been kept. Swallowing a needle requiring emergency surgery is not in the same league as brushing my skin with a razor. I am not saying it’s because I feel more pain then when I superficially self harm, but it’s more serious and cannot be left alone to get on with it.

Wow. That is kind of positive.

I just wanted to clear a few things up and kind of bring this up to date and get out how I have changed over the past few days. Let’s hope it stays.

xxx