Today

The Quetiapine isn't too bad so far. It makes me a zombie for the first half of the day. I struggle to get up in the morning. But I am only on 50mg and they want to up it soon. So kinda worried about that.

Saw Sam today. She said she had a feeling that I wouldn't turn up and that I would be really pissed at her for contacting uni. She said she would be from the beginning to make sure I went so although I would have liked some notice of when she would, I am not overly pissed off. We spoke about a number of things today. I don't feel that an hour is long enough for appointments as I feel as though I am getting somewhere and then we have to finish. Usually we end up running over by about 20minutes which I feel bad about.

She said that placement need to know about the self harm. I don't feel that they do. I don't want anyone knowing. I don't like the idea of people knowing. Katie in Wonderland has just written a really good post about having people know and it is how I feel. I haven't really put that much thought in to it before about why I don't want people knowing. But, for me a main thing is I don't want people to treat me any different. I don't want people to think they are having to be careful what they say to me as it may upset me and if they do upset me I am going to go and self harm. I can deal with that. I don't self harm because of other people I self harm because of me. Quite insightful don't you think? I am quite insightful when it comes to self harm. I have never blamed anyone else and I have never thought you've upset me saying/doing that I am going to self harm now. It has all been my choice and my doing.

She feels that placement need to know as I could possibly be a risk as I am not thinking straight. She says that the self harm I do is severe and dangerous. I struggle to see that it is. I sort of understand what she is saying but I really can't see how blood letting a few mls of blood a day, probably around 100mls a week can have a massive effect. She keeps saying the risk I am putting myself in but I still believe cutting is worse.

Anyway, she said now her service has done what they needed to do, I can be honest with her about my feelings and self harm and she will support me. What I tell her stays confidential between me and her. I told her about my fears of being hospitalized. I said how I thought Dr T has moved from, "no, hospital is not an option we are not going to consider it" to "we think you possibly need to have a mental health act assessment". "If you are put on section 2 or 3 we have to contact nearest relative". When I asked if it was a possibility he jumped in there really quickly saying "is it something you want to do". And the way he said it was kind of hopeful. Like oh, if you agree to this I don't need to mess around organising assessments etc. I have not stopped thinking about it and it's thrown me in to a bit of a hyper again. I am eating though! Not controlling things yet! But I am going on at a million miles an hour again, restless. You know how it is. I feel when I am walking I am going really fast and everyone else is going really slow. I am worried. I really am. He mentioned before that it wouldn't just be a quick thing it would be a number of weeks for assessment. I am so scared.

I said to Sam about taking the meds as I need to comply with something. I said I don't want to be in counselling but I feel that it's complying and if I want to stay on the course I need to. I said about discharging myself and she said I am in my rights to do that if I wanted to. I told her how I just wanted to run away from the whole situation. But what is stopping me doing that is at the moment I still have some control. And I worry about if I did that I would be forced and I would lose control. She asked me if I wanted to be in hospital and I said not. And she asked me if I thought I needed to be and I said not. But then changed it to being unsure. I said if I was honest and told people all my thoughts then I would probably be made to go in, which is why I don't tell people. I didn't tell her that if I was made to go in I do have a suicide plan. I said I feel as though as I am cornered because I believe it would make things worse for me. In terms of self harm, suicidal thoughts/acts, and having to come off uni course. Yet even though I think this I don't feel as though I can voice it because I think it looks like I am making threats saying you do this, I'm doing that.

We discussed loads more, I suppose it was quite a detailed session today. I don't feel as though I am getting anywhere with how I am feeling with counselling but, I do think in a way it's beneficial to me to have someone to talk to and to be able to talk about my feelings with someone like her. I do like her, I understand what she (I should say they as was being corrected today by her. Because I see her and her alone I am in the mindset it's what she has done but I know she has talked it over with supervisors and other people and is group decision it's just that Sam has the unfortunate job of being my counsellor) did and doing her job and from a professional view I would have done the same. I understand, it's just bloody hard being on the receiving end of it.

So Sam said she would contact Dr T for me and find out some more info for me and asked me if I would like her to come to next appointment with me. She offers to come everywhere with me. Lol. She's really sweet though and get the feeling she genuinally cares....either she does or she's very good at her job. Either way it makes me feel better. I may take her up on it though. I struggle to remember what happens in appointments as I am usually quite anxious and so maybe useful to have someone there who knows everything about me. Dunno. I need to think about it more.

I do want to continue on the course, I want a future and I want to do well. But. BUT, I am still having these suicidal thoughts on a reel going around and round. Each night as I lie in bed I plan out what I will do or imagine it happening. I still want to self harm. You would have thought that these feelings would have dissacipated now I have realised how much I want the course. How much I want a decent job etc. Yet they are still there and they scare me as I know I can think fuck it and give up quite easily. I can be getting on with my work and still planning how and where I am going to do it at the weekend. I am not saying I am planning on doing anything at the weekend. The only suicide plans I have that are definite are if I am made to go in to hospital. I have other plans. But they are not firm. They are not a set time, place, method. Just that I think about how I would etc. That's not normal is it?

So the rest of the day. Kinda freaked out when the bi-polar guy I work with told me what dose of Quetiapine he is on and it's the same as mine. I did some detective work (I'm good at that along with Facebook stalking) and was talking to him about meds and what he has been on and what he's on now. It really does freak me out being on this stuff. But with it being of a different type of medication I hope it may work. The part in me that wants to get better wants it to work ans stabilise my mood. There are so many thoughts running through my head about it. They are
Take it, you want to do the course.
Don't take it but don't tell anyone you are not taking it and you can continue as you are. But what if you get really bad then?
Don't take it and tell them you refuse to take drugs.
Don't take it, store it and OD on it. Add it to your OD drawer.

It's scary stuff.

Also, what has being intelligent (not blowing my own trumpet here but bare with me) got to do with anything. A number of people have said to me you are a highly intelligent girl... Does this mean because I am supposedly intelligent that I should know better than to do something as stupid as self harm? That people who self harm are of generally lower intelligence? I don't get it. Sam said it, Dr T said it, Nurseman Mike has said it, family members even BitchEDNurse has said it; although I've only spoke to her when pissed so don't know how she can make that conclusion. But do you get what I mean. I don't see myself as being intelligent either. So what, I have a degree, anyone can get a degree now a days. I am doing a Masters, ok, but it's not a science is it? I don't honestly see how people can rate me as highly intelligent when all I have done all my life is average. I am average. I am not intelligent. I am not unintelligent. I am average.

So can someone please explain what is meant by is. In all honesty when people say that I find it quite patronising.

I did have more to write about the day about my hospital appointment. But I took my quetiapine about 45 minutes ago and it's starting to kick in. Time for bedybyes!

Night world!

xxxx