Worries...

Well, it has turned out better than I thought it would. I went in to uni today and told my course leader about my being mentally interesting (I know I stole that from others but I do like the saying). I was going in expecting her to say well if a professional thinks you can't do it then you need to take a break. But she didn't. She asked me what I thought and what I wanted. I explained to her that while I self harm and have other issues etc that I really enjoy the course and am loving my placement. I said I had been asked by placement people to sign on with them to do relief work over the summer. She asked if I had had any problems with placement and I said at first when working in an area that I lived in and only around the corner from where I lived it was hard. But I dealt with it. I said to her that I was with Gom for nearly 9 years and we lived together so was to be expected things like being so close to my old house was evoking horrible emotions.

 I talked about supervision with her and said how I was getting it 2x a week and how I ran all my decisions through someone before acting. We discussed my academic work and she seemed pretty pleased with the progress I was making. She said they had no concerns about me from their end as long as I continued to get help etc. She said she didn't really want me to stop placement as would mean taking a whole year out, especially if it's not what I wanted to do. I even told her that in doing the course it was such a positive thing for me and is my motivation in wanting to become less mentally interesting. She seemed pleased with that.

We talked about how as Social Workers the best ones are often the ones who have experienced problems and is often a motivation in becomming social workers. Then she told me that I wasn't the only one who was mentally interesting on the course and that she was aware that from my group there were a couple of others in counselling also. Yay....I'm not the only one. It has made me think though about who it could be.

Anyway she was really nice and supportive and has said that if I am struggling with stuff before pulling me out they'd look at things like extending deadlines etc. So it was positive really.

I didn't tell her what I was doing to self harm and that I have tried to kill myself. I don't think they need to know that. Coming so close to losing something that I am so passionate about has made me re-evaluate things in a way.
I know I need to find other ways to cope rather than self harming. I switched to blood letting as to me it was a safer way. I was told by Nurseman Mike that I could lose a leg or something as the cutting as out of hand. When I cut I can't keep it at superficial as it is something that has been building up inside of me. When I use cutting as a method of self harm it's usually every couple of weeks and it's bad. I mean requiring internal stitches and lots of external ones. Bad that the area I have cut is too big for just local anaesthetic on it's own and usually need gas and air. When I cut it's a long process. I mean a few hours. I go in to my own little world and I am not aware of time. I don't feel pain. The blood letting is a quick fix. It's quick. Half hour tops. I moved to this as I saw it as less dangerous. No risk of infection, no risk of losing a limb. Since I have been doing this the cutting has reduced. Since xmas I have only cut twice. Ok most normal people don't cut at all. But I am not normal. Nurseman Mike's colleague told me to cut more often. He thought if I did it more often it wouldn't build up inside me and be as bad. At the time I ignored him and kind of laughed at actually being told to self harm more regularly. I am not so sure now. Maybe there is sense in his logic. I wonder if there are ways in which I can safely self harm. I am not quite ready to let it go yet.

I need to speak to Sam about it really. I need to start looking after myself. I need to stop this silly control thing with food. When things go shit I do it quite often. It's a control thing in that I can control what I eat when I can't control anything else that is going on in my life. So as hard as it will be I need to make sure I eat a healthy diet, no matter how bad things can get. I say this now when I have rational hat on. I hope when I am thrown in to crisis I can do this. I am going to carry on going to see Sam. Well I think I am. I have been referred to a clinical psychologist who says she will work with me. If I go work with her then I can't work with Sam anymore. I do have a couple of options though... the first is that I stay with Sam and have no input from her, other is that I go to her and stop working with Sam, and the final one is that she works through Sam. I am not sure of the benefits of clinical psychology and what she would do that would be different. Sam has said she will get clinical psychologist to call me (time to name her as I can imagine I may talk about her again.....ummmmmm Kat....so Clinical Psychologist is now called Kat) and I can discuss with her what she may do that is different and if there is any benefit of working directly with her. I also have to consider the time she is available, it's probably only 9-5 and I am quite lucky as with Sam I can see her in the evening.

I do have concerns about continuing to work with Sam though. I know why she did what she did and put in her position I would have done the same thing. But, how can I be honest with her now when she has these feelings that I shouldn't be doing what I am doing and if I tell her about the suicidal thoughts then it just adds ammo. I do want to be normal. I do want a career. The suicidal thoughts wont just stop. They were there before all this kicked off and it's not as though it's all just going to go away. They do scare me. I don't know what to do about them. I have never been in a position though where I do something I love and something I am so passionate about and that is my motivation to make sure they don't take over. I am not sure if Sam will be happy with what I told uni. I told them Sam had concerns about my fitness for work and could be psychological and physiological implications, I told them about the self harm and my mentally interestingness. They are going to support me to continue which is good. But I know Sam doesn't want me doing it at the moment and I am worried she will not be happy with what the outcome of all this is.

So on to other news. I went to see Dr T psychiatrist today. He's got me worried also. He's changed my meds. Not to what I wanted but to Quetiapine. I'm kinda worried about being on it. It's an anti psychotic. I am worried it is going to turn me in to a Zombie and not let me function. I don't really know how it works either. I know with antidepressants they stop certain hormones being taken back up. I am ok with the idea of that. I am not so ok with the idea of this. I told him how I stopped taking the Mirtazapine and he had a go at me for stopping suddenly, well I ran out and I wasn't going to pay for a prescription I didn't want to use anymore.

He then went on to say how there has been talk of a mental health act assessment on me. I said I had one on the 136 and he said it would be different. I think he thinks I should be in hospital. We talked about who knew about my problems. I said I didn't tell my parents detail but they knew I was having a few problems at the moment. He said I should think about telling them more and then went on to say if I was on a section 2 or 3 the nearest relative would have to be informed etc. I said I was aware of that but being as though I will do what I can to avoid going in to hospital I would hope it wouldn't get to that. I am really worried he thinks I should be in hospital. I am so scared about it. As much as hold the issue of mental health and stigma close to my heart I am embarrassed by the way I am. I don't want people knowing all about me. I don't want people knowing I was in hospital as of my mental health. There is also the problem that I have worked on the psych wards in this city. So I know a lot of the staff and it would be so embarrassing. I like space, I like to be alone. I wouldn't get that there would I? I hate the idea of being confined to a ward. To have to ask when I want to go for a cigarette, to be checked on.

So now I'm paranoid I am going to be getting 3 people turning up at my house to do an assessment. Reading other peoples blogs I have seen that it has happened. The rational part in me says perhaps if he thought that I needed to be in hospital it would be something he would discuss with me and not leave it until the next appointment which will be in a month. He said get the stuff sorted out with your course first. So maybe he's not. But then I think I haven't told them I am suicidal or having suicidal thoughts so maybe he is ok to wait. If he doesn't think I am going to kill myself then it's not urgent that I am in there is it. So he can afford to wait and see what happens. I don't like the idea of being discussed in meetings and he gave me the impression today I was being discussed rather a lot recently.

I have been allocated a care coordinator. I just hope they are are nurse and not a social worker. I don't know who they are yet either. I hope it's a bloke. For some reason I prefer working with blokes. I find them easier to trust. I think it's the whole being female thing and worrying that they are going to tell their friends well I know this girl who does... where as I don't think guys are like that.

Anyway, that's my day really. I will probably speak to Sam tomorrow or hear from her via email. I still don't know if I am ok really. I know I need to do something about it. I know that running away from it isn't gong to solve anything. And becoming an alcoholic isn't really good for me as I can't stand being hung over.  I suppose with plenty of practice I wouldn't get hang overs anymore. But still. The thought of those initial hang overs are not an inviting prospect.

So plans......
To only drink when out with friends and even then regulate what I have...add soft drinks in to the mix
To research safe self harm
To try and be more positive...remember that new years resolution I made?
To try and talk to myself when I am being particularly mentally interesting and to rationalise with myself.

Good plans????

xxxx