This is going to be my last fight. I don't have the energy. Part of me is fighting to stay on the course as I am scared about what will happen if I am not. It keeps me going at the moment. It gives me purpose. I enjoy it. Take it away, your taking away any fight I have in me.
I have never been honest with people about my feelings before. This is telling me that it was wrong. Why should I be honest when it has negative consequences. Being honest hasn't helped me. It's not made it so people can care. It's made it worse. I wish I never asked for help. I wish I had never gone to counselling. Don't get me wrong, if I was in Sam's position I would be doing the same. I am not angry at her. I am angry at myself. But I feel should I never have gone to counselling then I wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't have felt worse in myself as of discussing things like I have been. I wouldn't be threatened with losing my place on the course. So I am angry at myself. I hate myself for thinking things would get better.
I am pissed off.
About Me
- Kat Moss
- Well, what can I say without giving too much away about who I am. I suppose firstly I should say why I am writing a blog. It's for my own benefit really. I like looking back through old things I have written about and it makes me rememeber it. I have an awful memory and it's good to look back and see how I felt about something or even something happening. I used to keep a diary when I was younger but fear of it being found and also the amount of time it took me to write in it meant that I didn't really write in it that often. But, it was good to look back on things and see how things were at the time. I don't know how many people, if any will read this. I would like to think people would read it and I can remain totally anonymous. If I can't be honest on here then where can I be. No one knows me on here, no one knows I keep a blog so I have that security.
1 comment:
:( Maybe theres a point where you just stop fighting, and just try to 'be' . xx
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