I'm hanging. I was woken at about 5am cos I was feeling so bad. What makes it worse is I have to go in to placement today. I wish I could call in sick. I am really hating this placement. My inner snob is coming out in me and I am disgusted by some of the people being chavy. The other morning I was driving in and there was this guy walking his kids to school at about 8.30am and he was drinking a can of lager. I hate hate hate hate there. The area I am in is so scummy. I didn't think areas as scummy existed. I am trying my hardest with it but I really don't like it.
I am so stupid. Drinking so much yesterday that I am now hungover. I wasn't meant to be drinking yesterday. I knew I had to go in and be around kids but yet here I am hanging.
I don't know what time I went to bed last night either. I am awake as when I am hanging I can't sleep. I am trying my overload on vitamins method by already having been up and liquidized a load of fruit but it doesn't appear to be working. I am going to try again though.
Time for crap tv and fruit.
I so don't want to go today. I hate hate hate hate the place,
Showing posts with label placement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label placement. Show all posts
Monday, 27 June 2011
Saturday, 18 June 2011
New Placement and Birthdays
I start my new placement on Monday and I am dreading it. It's with kids. Young kids. Yuk. I can deal with teenagers, you can begin to rationalise with them. But kids under 5. Not my cup of tea. It doesn't help that I am miles away. And, my car is due MOT in the next couple of weeks and there is no way my shed will make it through. Not when it's a P reg rust bucket. So I don't know what I am going to do.
I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.
However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker that...group care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.
So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.
It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.
This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.
Then I remember
1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.
Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.
Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.
I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.
And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.
You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?
Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?
Please comment on this one!!!!!!
I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.
However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker that...group care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.
So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.
It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.
This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.
Then I remember
1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.
Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.
Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.
I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.
And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.
You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?
Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?
Please comment on this one!!!!!!
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
I Cried.
Appointment with Sam today. I ended up in tears. Over the stupidist thing. I can talk about self harm, I can talk about my past, I can talk about really tough things. But talking about that I am tired and fed up of having a broken foot/ankle (I am not sure which bone it is so from now on a fookle) I start crying. stupid. I said it's because I am tired. I am getting over emotional and a bit of a wreck.
I'm feeling a little over whelmed recently. Last night I was crying through all of Glee (I virgin plused it). How ridiculous is that. It's supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be something that make you laugh. But me, no, I cry through most of it. I am so stupid!
Placement/work have told me I can't be in while I am on crutches as of health and safety. Even if I get the cast off if I am still on crutches I can't go in as of health and safety. I suppose that has upset me as I liked getting out the house. It was an escape. But as it is now, I am stuck. Stuck with my own thoughts in my own head. Although, saying that the enforced day off on Friday *cough working from home, means that after phsyio I can come home, put ear plugs in to drown out the noise (my nephews are here, them you expect to make noise, it's my Dad that is the problem) and get on with work.
I felt I needed to cry more today. But I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of someone else. I don't do that. Once I start I usually end up sobbing and not being able to get my breath so I try to ensure I don't even start. But I feel like I want to cry at the moment. I am so fed up. So frustrated. Even though I have been told if I have to add days on to final placement I can still graduate at same time as my friends. Yet I feel like this. I feel like crying. I don't usually feel like crying. I think it's the pain, tiredness, frustration, stress, Dr T and the fact I am bleeding again and my mixed metformin and the pill isn't working and I have been discharged from the gynecologist. So it looks like another possible referral. I will give it another couple of months before I go back to doc with it and see what happens then. It's only a recent thing so maybe I will wait a bit. Stupid Ovaries and their polycysticness!
I'm going to go be miserable and cry at Casualty then maybe come back upstairs and watch The Pursuit of Happiness! All joy me!
x
I'm feeling a little over whelmed recently. Last night I was crying through all of Glee (I virgin plused it). How ridiculous is that. It's supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be something that make you laugh. But me, no, I cry through most of it. I am so stupid!
Placement/work have told me I can't be in while I am on crutches as of health and safety. Even if I get the cast off if I am still on crutches I can't go in as of health and safety. I suppose that has upset me as I liked getting out the house. It was an escape. But as it is now, I am stuck. Stuck with my own thoughts in my own head. Although, saying that the enforced day off on Friday *cough working from home, means that after phsyio I can come home, put ear plugs in to drown out the noise (my nephews are here, them you expect to make noise, it's my Dad that is the problem) and get on with work.
I felt I needed to cry more today. But I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of someone else. I don't do that. Once I start I usually end up sobbing and not being able to get my breath so I try to ensure I don't even start. But I feel like I want to cry at the moment. I am so fed up. So frustrated. Even though I have been told if I have to add days on to final placement I can still graduate at same time as my friends. Yet I feel like this. I feel like crying. I don't usually feel like crying. I think it's the pain, tiredness, frustration, stress, Dr T and the fact I am bleeding again and my mixed metformin and the pill isn't working and I have been discharged from the gynecologist. So it looks like another possible referral. I will give it another couple of months before I go back to doc with it and see what happens then. It's only a recent thing so maybe I will wait a bit. Stupid Ovaries and their polycysticness!
I'm going to go be miserable and cry at Casualty then maybe come back upstairs and watch The Pursuit of Happiness! All joy me!
x
Monday, 4 April 2011
Nervous about Wednesday
I had a meeting today with my Practice Educator. She says she is happy with my progress and I am on way to passing placement. So I suppose that is good news.
I also contacted my personal tutor at uni and informed her I was meeting with the PE and did I need to say anything. She said not at the moment. So I don't know if that means it will be discussed on Thursday, as a group (more on that in a minute) or if we can not mention it. I have a meeting with my personal tutor and course director on Wednesday. I am dreading it. Apparently when speaking to course director I led her believe that the self harm was a thing in the past. I am sure I said it was ongoing. But Sam spoke to them and corrected them on that so now I have this meeting. I am dreading it. In fact I am dreading this week in general. So Wednesday I have a meeting with those 2.
I suppose at that I will get clarified what I needing to be telling placement and PE. I really don't want them knowing about the self harm. I think my manager would be understanding as she has issues also. I really like her. She is amazing. I have such a laugh with her and I could not ask for a better manager. She has loads of shit going on at the moment also and I am worried about her. I have only known her 8 weeks and I am worrying. But I suppose when you spend so much time with work people you do get to know them. Over the past couple of weeks especially I have got to know a lot about her. She has a lot going on. But she is still pulling in amazing results.
Any way, I can't see what benefit it has them knowing about the self harm. I hope uni have the same view point as me. I know Sam wants me to tell everyone, but I don't see the point. I've been told not to worry about the meeting on Wednesday as course director said she is still of same view point that she wants me to continue on placement. But it doesn't stop you worrying does it.
So on Thursday I have meeting with PE, personal tutor, manager and supervisor. It's not to do with my being a little interesting. It is what we had planned anyway. I am half way through my first placement now so it's just a check up really to make sure that everything is going ok. I am worried though that stuff will be brought up and I am going to have to talk about it with all those people there. It was hard at the MHA when there was the nurse, the social worker, and 2 doctors. But I knew I would never see these people again, I knew what I said would be nothing new to them, that they are used to hearing it. But, this is different. These people I know. These are people I will have to work with for the next few weeks. I don't want them knowing.
Friday I have a gynecologist appointment. My gyne is male. So I don't really like that. He's a lovely bloke though. And he does what he can to make it easier on me. I get the feeling he genuinely cares. Maybe that's the difference between medical and psychiatric though. I still don't understand why a bloke would want to go in to gynecology. What's the appeal. I find it really odd. Most people go into something because they have a personal interest in the area. But I just don't understand it with this. I suppose maybe a family member had gynecological problems and as a child he made it his mission in life to cure her. Or he grew up in a female dominated household and there was so much oestrogen, PMT, general female moodiness that he took on the quest to cure all women of PMT. Who knows?
So this week I have Tuesday. Tuesday is my day of no important meetings or invasive things. But I have got a visit booked which I don't want to go to. I have got quite a bit of office work to do tomorrow and could actually do with a day in the office. I may get it done in the morning though so I suppose it's a wait and see.
x
I also contacted my personal tutor at uni and informed her I was meeting with the PE and did I need to say anything. She said not at the moment. So I don't know if that means it will be discussed on Thursday, as a group (more on that in a minute) or if we can not mention it. I have a meeting with my personal tutor and course director on Wednesday. I am dreading it. Apparently when speaking to course director I led her believe that the self harm was a thing in the past. I am sure I said it was ongoing. But Sam spoke to them and corrected them on that so now I have this meeting. I am dreading it. In fact I am dreading this week in general. So Wednesday I have a meeting with those 2.
I suppose at that I will get clarified what I needing to be telling placement and PE. I really don't want them knowing about the self harm. I think my manager would be understanding as she has issues also. I really like her. She is amazing. I have such a laugh with her and I could not ask for a better manager. She has loads of shit going on at the moment also and I am worried about her. I have only known her 8 weeks and I am worrying. But I suppose when you spend so much time with work people you do get to know them. Over the past couple of weeks especially I have got to know a lot about her. She has a lot going on. But she is still pulling in amazing results.
Any way, I can't see what benefit it has them knowing about the self harm. I hope uni have the same view point as me. I know Sam wants me to tell everyone, but I don't see the point. I've been told not to worry about the meeting on Wednesday as course director said she is still of same view point that she wants me to continue on placement. But it doesn't stop you worrying does it.
So on Thursday I have meeting with PE, personal tutor, manager and supervisor. It's not to do with my being a little interesting. It is what we had planned anyway. I am half way through my first placement now so it's just a check up really to make sure that everything is going ok. I am worried though that stuff will be brought up and I am going to have to talk about it with all those people there. It was hard at the MHA when there was the nurse, the social worker, and 2 doctors. But I knew I would never see these people again, I knew what I said would be nothing new to them, that they are used to hearing it. But, this is different. These people I know. These are people I will have to work with for the next few weeks. I don't want them knowing.
Friday I have a gynecologist appointment. My gyne is male. So I don't really like that. He's a lovely bloke though. And he does what he can to make it easier on me. I get the feeling he genuinely cares. Maybe that's the difference between medical and psychiatric though. I still don't understand why a bloke would want to go in to gynecology. What's the appeal. I find it really odd. Most people go into something because they have a personal interest in the area. But I just don't understand it with this. I suppose maybe a family member had gynecological problems and as a child he made it his mission in life to cure her. Or he grew up in a female dominated household and there was so much oestrogen, PMT, general female moodiness that he took on the quest to cure all women of PMT. Who knows?
So this week I have Tuesday. Tuesday is my day of no important meetings or invasive things. But I have got a visit booked which I don't want to go to. I have got quite a bit of office work to do tomorrow and could actually do with a day in the office. I may get it done in the morning though so I suppose it's a wait and see.
x
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Today
The Quetiapine isn't too bad so far. It makes me a zombie for the first half of the day. I struggle to get up in the morning. But I am only on 50mg and they want to up it soon. So kinda worried about that.
Saw Sam today. She said she had a feeling that I wouldn't turn up and that I would be really pissed at her for contacting uni. She said she would be from the beginning to make sure I went so although I would have liked some notice of when she would, I am not overly pissed off. We spoke about a number of things today. I don't feel that an hour is long enough for appointments as I feel as though I am getting somewhere and then we have to finish. Usually we end up running over by about 20minutes which I feel bad about.
She said that placement need to know about the self harm. I don't feel that they do. I don't want anyone knowing. I don't like the idea of people knowing. Katie in Wonderland has just written a really good post about having people know and it is how I feel. I haven't really put that much thought in to it before about why I don't want people knowing. But, for me a main thing is I don't want people to treat me any different. I don't want people to think they are having to be careful what they say to me as it may upset me and if they do upset me I am going to go and self harm. I can deal with that. I don't self harm because of other people I self harm because of me. Quite insightful don't you think? I am quite insightful when it comes to self harm. I have never blamed anyone else and I have never thought you've upset me saying/doing that I am going to self harm now. It has all been my choice and my doing.
She feels that placement need to know as I could possibly be a risk as I am not thinking straight. She says that the self harm I do is severe and dangerous. I struggle to see that it is. I sort of understand what she is saying but I really can't see how blood letting a few mls of blood a day, probably around 100mls a week can have a massive effect. She keeps saying the risk I am putting myself in but I still believe cutting is worse.
Anyway, she said now her service has done what they needed to do, I can be honest with her about my feelings and self harm and she will support me. What I tell her stays confidential between me and her. I told her about my fears of being hospitalized. I said how I thought Dr T has moved from, "no, hospital is not an option we are not going to consider it" to "we think you possibly need to have a mental health act assessment". "If you are put on section 2 or 3 we have to contact nearest relative". When I asked if it was a possibility he jumped in there really quickly saying "is it something you want to do". And the way he said it was kind of hopeful. Like oh, if you agree to this I don't need to mess around organising assessments etc. I have not stopped thinking about it and it's thrown me in to a bit of a hyper again. I am eating though! Not controlling things yet! But I am going on at a million miles an hour again, restless. You know how it is. I feel when I am walking I am going really fast and everyone else is going really slow. I am worried. I really am. He mentioned before that it wouldn't just be a quick thing it would be a number of weeks for assessment. I am so scared.
I said to Sam about taking the meds as I need to comply with something. I said I don't want to be in counselling but I feel that it's complying and if I want to stay on the course I need to. I said about discharging myself and she said I am in my rights to do that if I wanted to. I told her how I just wanted to run away from the whole situation. But what is stopping me doing that is at the moment I still have some control. And I worry about if I did that I would be forced and I would lose control. She asked me if I wanted to be in hospital and I said not. And she asked me if I thought I needed to be and I said not. But then changed it to being unsure. I said if I was honest and told people all my thoughts then I would probably be made to go in, which is why I don't tell people. I didn't tell her that if I was made to go in I do have a suicide plan. I said I feel as though as I am cornered because I believe it would make things worse for me. In terms of self harm, suicidal thoughts/acts, and having to come off uni course. Yet even though I think this I don't feel as though I can voice it because I think it looks like I am making threats saying you do this, I'm doing that.
We discussed loads more, I suppose it was quite a detailed session today. I don't feel as though I am getting anywhere with how I am feeling with counselling but, I do think in a way it's beneficial to me to have someone to talk to and to be able to talk about my feelings with someone like her. I do like her, I understand what she (I should say they as was being corrected today by her. Because I see her and her alone I am in the mindset it's what she has done but I know she has talked it over with supervisors and other people and is group decision it's just that Sam has the unfortunate job of being my counsellor) did and doing her job and from a professional view I would have done the same. I understand, it's just bloody hard being on the receiving end of it.
So Sam said she would contact Dr T for me and find out some more info for me and asked me if I would like her to come to next appointment with me. She offers to come everywhere with me. Lol. She's really sweet though and get the feeling she genuinally cares....either she does or she's very good at her job. Either way it makes me feel better. I may take her up on it though. I struggle to remember what happens in appointments as I am usually quite anxious and so maybe useful to have someone there who knows everything about me. Dunno. I need to think about it more.
I do want to continue on the course, I want a future and I want to do well. But. BUT, I am still having these suicidal thoughts on a reel going around and round. Each night as I lie in bed I plan out what I will do or imagine it happening. I still want to self harm. You would have thought that these feelings would have dissacipated now I have realised how much I want the course. How much I want a decent job etc. Yet they are still there and they scare me as I know I can think fuck it and give up quite easily. I can be getting on with my work and still planning how and where I am going to do it at the weekend. I am not saying I am planning on doing anything at the weekend. The only suicide plans I have that are definite are if I am made to go in to hospital. I have other plans. But they are not firm. They are not a set time, place, method. Just that I think about how I would etc. That's not normal is it?
So the rest of the day. Kinda freaked out when the bi-polar guy I work with told me what dose of Quetiapine he is on and it's the same as mine. I did some detective work (I'm good at that along with Facebook stalking) and was talking to him about meds and what he has been on and what he's on now. It really does freak me out being on this stuff. But with it being of a different type of medication I hope it may work. The part in me that wants to get better wants it to work ans stabilise my mood. There are so many thoughts running through my head about it. They are
Take it, you want to do the course.
Don't take it but don't tell anyone you are not taking it and you can continue as you are. But what if you get really bad then?
Don't take it and tell them you refuse to take drugs.
Don't take it, store it and OD on it. Add it to your OD drawer.
It's scary stuff.
Also, what has being intelligent (not blowing my own trumpet here but bare with me) got to do with anything. A number of people have said to me you are a highly intelligent girl... Does this mean because I am supposedly intelligent that I should know better than to do something as stupid as self harm? That people who self harm are of generally lower intelligence? I don't get it. Sam said it, Dr T said it, Nurseman Mike has said it, family members even BitchEDNurse has said it; although I've only spoke to her when pissed so don't know how she can make that conclusion. But do you get what I mean. I don't see myself as being intelligent either. So what, I have a degree, anyone can get a degree now a days. I am doing a Masters, ok, but it's not a science is it? I don't honestly see how people can rate me as highly intelligent when all I have done all my life is average. I am average. I am not intelligent. I am not unintelligent. I am average.
So can someone please explain what is meant by is. In all honesty when people say that I find it quite patronising.
I did have more to write about the day about my hospital appointment. But I took my quetiapine about 45 minutes ago and it's starting to kick in. Time for bedybyes!
Night world!
xxxx
Saw Sam today. She said she had a feeling that I wouldn't turn up and that I would be really pissed at her for contacting uni. She said she would be from the beginning to make sure I went so although I would have liked some notice of when she would, I am not overly pissed off. We spoke about a number of things today. I don't feel that an hour is long enough for appointments as I feel as though I am getting somewhere and then we have to finish. Usually we end up running over by about 20minutes which I feel bad about.
She said that placement need to know about the self harm. I don't feel that they do. I don't want anyone knowing. I don't like the idea of people knowing. Katie in Wonderland has just written a really good post about having people know and it is how I feel. I haven't really put that much thought in to it before about why I don't want people knowing. But, for me a main thing is I don't want people to treat me any different. I don't want people to think they are having to be careful what they say to me as it may upset me and if they do upset me I am going to go and self harm. I can deal with that. I don't self harm because of other people I self harm because of me. Quite insightful don't you think? I am quite insightful when it comes to self harm. I have never blamed anyone else and I have never thought you've upset me saying/doing that I am going to self harm now. It has all been my choice and my doing.
She feels that placement need to know as I could possibly be a risk as I am not thinking straight. She says that the self harm I do is severe and dangerous. I struggle to see that it is. I sort of understand what she is saying but I really can't see how blood letting a few mls of blood a day, probably around 100mls a week can have a massive effect. She keeps saying the risk I am putting myself in but I still believe cutting is worse.
Anyway, she said now her service has done what they needed to do, I can be honest with her about my feelings and self harm and she will support me. What I tell her stays confidential between me and her. I told her about my fears of being hospitalized. I said how I thought Dr T has moved from, "no, hospital is not an option we are not going to consider it" to "we think you possibly need to have a mental health act assessment". "If you are put on section 2 or 3 we have to contact nearest relative". When I asked if it was a possibility he jumped in there really quickly saying "is it something you want to do". And the way he said it was kind of hopeful. Like oh, if you agree to this I don't need to mess around organising assessments etc. I have not stopped thinking about it and it's thrown me in to a bit of a hyper again. I am eating though! Not controlling things yet! But I am going on at a million miles an hour again, restless. You know how it is. I feel when I am walking I am going really fast and everyone else is going really slow. I am worried. I really am. He mentioned before that it wouldn't just be a quick thing it would be a number of weeks for assessment. I am so scared.
I said to Sam about taking the meds as I need to comply with something. I said I don't want to be in counselling but I feel that it's complying and if I want to stay on the course I need to. I said about discharging myself and she said I am in my rights to do that if I wanted to. I told her how I just wanted to run away from the whole situation. But what is stopping me doing that is at the moment I still have some control. And I worry about if I did that I would be forced and I would lose control. She asked me if I wanted to be in hospital and I said not. And she asked me if I thought I needed to be and I said not. But then changed it to being unsure. I said if I was honest and told people all my thoughts then I would probably be made to go in, which is why I don't tell people. I didn't tell her that if I was made to go in I do have a suicide plan. I said I feel as though as I am cornered because I believe it would make things worse for me. In terms of self harm, suicidal thoughts/acts, and having to come off uni course. Yet even though I think this I don't feel as though I can voice it because I think it looks like I am making threats saying you do this, I'm doing that.
We discussed loads more, I suppose it was quite a detailed session today. I don't feel as though I am getting anywhere with how I am feeling with counselling but, I do think in a way it's beneficial to me to have someone to talk to and to be able to talk about my feelings with someone like her. I do like her, I understand what she (I should say they as was being corrected today by her. Because I see her and her alone I am in the mindset it's what she has done but I know she has talked it over with supervisors and other people and is group decision it's just that Sam has the unfortunate job of being my counsellor) did and doing her job and from a professional view I would have done the same. I understand, it's just bloody hard being on the receiving end of it.
So Sam said she would contact Dr T for me and find out some more info for me and asked me if I would like her to come to next appointment with me. She offers to come everywhere with me. Lol. She's really sweet though and get the feeling she genuinally cares....either she does or she's very good at her job. Either way it makes me feel better. I may take her up on it though. I struggle to remember what happens in appointments as I am usually quite anxious and so maybe useful to have someone there who knows everything about me. Dunno. I need to think about it more.
I do want to continue on the course, I want a future and I want to do well. But. BUT, I am still having these suicidal thoughts on a reel going around and round. Each night as I lie in bed I plan out what I will do or imagine it happening. I still want to self harm. You would have thought that these feelings would have dissacipated now I have realised how much I want the course. How much I want a decent job etc. Yet they are still there and they scare me as I know I can think fuck it and give up quite easily. I can be getting on with my work and still planning how and where I am going to do it at the weekend. I am not saying I am planning on doing anything at the weekend. The only suicide plans I have that are definite are if I am made to go in to hospital. I have other plans. But they are not firm. They are not a set time, place, method. Just that I think about how I would etc. That's not normal is it?
So the rest of the day. Kinda freaked out when the bi-polar guy I work with told me what dose of Quetiapine he is on and it's the same as mine. I did some detective work (I'm good at that along with Facebook stalking) and was talking to him about meds and what he has been on and what he's on now. It really does freak me out being on this stuff. But with it being of a different type of medication I hope it may work. The part in me that wants to get better wants it to work ans stabilise my mood. There are so many thoughts running through my head about it. They are
Take it, you want to do the course.
Don't take it but don't tell anyone you are not taking it and you can continue as you are. But what if you get really bad then?
Don't take it and tell them you refuse to take drugs.
Don't take it, store it and OD on it. Add it to your OD drawer.
It's scary stuff.
Also, what has being intelligent (not blowing my own trumpet here but bare with me) got to do with anything. A number of people have said to me you are a highly intelligent girl... Does this mean because I am supposedly intelligent that I should know better than to do something as stupid as self harm? That people who self harm are of generally lower intelligence? I don't get it. Sam said it, Dr T said it, Nurseman Mike has said it, family members even BitchEDNurse has said it; although I've only spoke to her when pissed so don't know how she can make that conclusion. But do you get what I mean. I don't see myself as being intelligent either. So what, I have a degree, anyone can get a degree now a days. I am doing a Masters, ok, but it's not a science is it? I don't honestly see how people can rate me as highly intelligent when all I have done all my life is average. I am average. I am not intelligent. I am not unintelligent. I am average.
So can someone please explain what is meant by is. In all honesty when people say that I find it quite patronising.
I did have more to write about the day about my hospital appointment. But I took my quetiapine about 45 minutes ago and it's starting to kick in. Time for bedybyes!
Night world!
xxxx
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