Not In A Good Way

Yeah, I am really not doing that well. I am really struggling. And I don't know what to do.

All that I can think of is how and when I could kill myself. I kept myself going over the Xmas period as I don't want to ruin Xmas for years to come for people. I know what it's like having a close relative die close to Xmas and it is never the same again. So that stopped me doing anything. Now, it is my brothers birthday coming up so I am trying to avoid doing anything before that. But once that has gone I think that will be when I do something about how I am feeling.

It's like a reel going around in my head how I fantasise over my own death. It's all the time. I plan how and when and have long fantasies of how I would go about doing it.

I am worried if I tell anyone then I am going to end up back in hospital and I really don't want that. I couldn't cope with it. And, I am not sure if it actually helps in anyway. Last time I was there I came out feeling the same way I did when I went in. And I find the whole thing quite embarrassing. I can't be doing with people's pity and fake concern. My parents had friends over on Sunday and it was awful. Although no one came right out with talking about it there was undertones and sickly asking how I was doing. Of course I am not going to come out with "actually I fantasise about my own death most the time and am feeling pretty shit, I've been swallowing needles and razor blades in the hope they may do something but no such luck yet". So I put a fake smile on (which I am doing a lot of and have it down to a tee) and reply "really good thanks". No one really wants to hear how you are doing really.

So I see Beth my CPN tomorrow and I really don't know what I am going to say to her. I am worried if I tell her the truth she will want me back in hospital. And I'm not going there. Not again. I hope I've got enough in me to be able to convince a AMHP, Sec.12 approved doc and a normal doc that I don't need to be in hospital should it come down to Beth trying to get me in on a section and arranging a MHA. I am going to do all I can to avoid going back there again.

I can hide things from Beth I think. She's not as good at reading me as the psychologist is. So he's my main worry. I see him next Thursday. He'll ask all the relevant questions and will be able to tell when I am hiding stuff or not telling the truth. I don't have him for much longer. Just a couple more months. But I suppose it doesn't really matter if I do go ahead and do something.