Kinda Crazy

I re-read my last post and have realised that I sound kind of crazy in it. Well I suppose I am at the moment aren't I?

I am managing to hide it from those around me quite well. When people ask how I am doing I manage to avoid the subject somehow by making no committal comments or changing the subject.

I keep having dreams that I have either been stabbed in the stomach, have stabbed myself in the stomach or have opened up the scar from the operation on my stomach. I am kind of obsessed with it at the moment. I mean really obsessed. I keep having it go through my mind around and around. I even stood with a knife against me the other day thinking how easy it would be and could even look like an accident (falling over while holding a knife). But what stopped me was I knew it wasn't time. I have said to my self I have to leave it until February.

I saw my OT yesterday. She was a vision of purple. Everything she wore was purple. It was mad. She even then commented on my hat and scarf because they matched. I wished I could have taken a picture of her. I was at the cinema on Saturday and there was a woman all in red which I got a picture of. I could have started some art project like women in colour or something like that.

Anyway, she asked in what way she was helping as I am not actually doing all that much at the moment. She is supposed to be supporting me in doing some activities so I am not in the house all the time. But I want to be in the house and in my room. So she said she wasn't really helping that much then and I agreed.

We also talked about what would happen when I move out of my parents. I said I had lived on my own before and when I did I was self-harming more regularly and also taking overdoses. Some as self harm some as serious attempts at my life. She asked me how I thought it would pan out me moving out again and I was honest and said I could see the same thing happening. So she said it probably wasn't a great idea that I was to move out.

I hope there's not anyway that they can stop me moving out. I suppose they could break confidentiality and tell my parents and then they would not agree to be guarantors. I suppose we will cross that bridge if it comes to it. But I suppose I should keep my mouth shut about it just in case now.

Seeing psychologist on Thursday. I am so nervous. He is going to know that I have lied to him and have been self harming. He will ask me how and I won't be able to tell him and I will get the you should be able to trust me by now speech. I don't actually know what to say to him.