I'm Not Doing Well, Despite What They Say.

They say I am. But then what do they know. I'm not being honest with them which is why they are saying that. CPN and Psychologist know how I feel. And I told Psychologist it's only a matter of time and that once this month is over I can put my plan in to place. I told him how I have a voice which says "do it now" which is there an awful lot. He said to tell it to stop. All I can manage is "wait".

He says I am doing well feeling all this and not having acted on anything. There is no way I can tell him I have been swallowing blades a few times a week and taking about 5x the prescribed dose of my meds in one go. You see if I divulge this then they tell my parents. I wish I could be honest with him. I wish I could tell him how it really was. I don't think he believes I have done nothing though. I have two plasters on my fingers from where I have cut them from breaking open the razor. I didn't think they were that obvious. But he asked me what I had done and I didn't have an answer. Finally I managed to stutter it was paper cuts and he started interrogating me. "What on both fingers"? "What were you doing"? "When did you do it"? Far too many questions if he thought they were actually paper cuts.

I told him how the fantasies of dying were there pretty much all day and they took over everything. How I play out different scenarios in my head over and over. How it keeps me awake 3-4 hours after I have gone to bed. He said one way of trying to get round this is to set some time each day to let the thoughts be there. To go somewhere quiet for 30 minutes (a few times a day if needed) and just let them roll. I said I would try it but I wasn't sure if it would make any difference at night when I am trying to get to sleep.

I don't think OT are of much use anymore. They are there to help me plan to fill my time. I've found though that planning my time and doing stuff doesn't make any difference as I feel the same while doing and after doing it. Today is the first time I left the house since Saturday. Most of that time has been spent in my room on my bed. I don't want to be anywhere else.

I am meant to be looking for voluntary work also. I looked at the volunteer database and saw a couple of things that would usually interest me. But when it came down to it I felt that there was just no way I would be able to commit to something. The whole thing brought on an anxiety attack.

My family also think I am doing better and I really don't want to shatter that illusion they have. Everyone thinks I am doing better. Only I know the truth. I wasn't even this bad when I was on PICU.

Psychologist said he felt he should do something like call in Crisis Team or my CPN I practically begged him not to. He said he could ask my CPN if there was someone who could see me more regularly, I said there wasn't much point. I hope he doesn't make any calls. But now I am going to be anxiously waiting for that phone call.

I kind of cut myself off for a few days and ignored my phone when it rang as I didn't feel like speaking to anyone and then never returned their calls. My CPN tried today. After the second attempt she called the land line which I never use (it's the parents business line). I just wish I would be left alone.