I had a really weird dream last night that I told my psychologist about the self harm but not in detail. He turned around and said to me if you won't tell me what it is I am going to assume that it is serious self harm and therefore am going to have to inform your parents.
It sounds stupid but I don't know whether or not to take this as a sign not to say anything to him about it. I am so worried he will come to the conclusion that because I won't elaborate that I am seriously self-harming. Of course he would be correct but I am not going to tell him that.
It just seems stupid me continuing to go see him and the CPN while they think that I am coping and that although I am having these suicidal thoughts, feelings, urges, plans that I am coping with them. I feel that they may think because I haven't been self harming I am less likely to act on any suicidal urges because I am able to work through it. When in fact I have been self harming 3-4 times a week and quite seriously. Which probably means I can't work through the urges/ride them out and am more likely to act on them.
What worries me here is they will want to inform my parents or want me back in hospital. And there is no way I am going back in hospital. Not voluntarily anyway. Another dream I had last night was that they go a warrant on a S135 to assess me.
Ok, this is going to sound maybe a little mad but, in the past my dreams have kind of predicted the way things go. Remember about 18months ago I wrote about a dream I had where I stabbed myself in the stomach and I was in hospital but was a ward I didn't recognise. Then when I seriously OD'd and came around in intensive care that was the ward from my dream. I had never been there before so had no way in picturing it to dream about it. That's not the first time things like that have happened. So as you can imagine understandably I am worried in telling the half truth to the psychologist as of what may happen.
I am seeing my CPN on Thursday. I won't be saying anything to her but I am really worried about seeing her as I told her a couple of weeks ago how I was feeling and since then I have seen the psychologist and have told him in more detail that I have plans and have methods etc. So she is bound to know. I've not had a phone call from her though so that eases my worries a little as if she was overly concerned she would have probably phoned me by now, and luckily she hasn't.
No one commented on the last post about what you would do or what you think I should do and I really need some input here. I can't go this alone.
About Me
- Kat Moss
- Well, what can I say without giving too much away about who I am. I suppose firstly I should say why I am writing a blog. It's for my own benefit really. I like looking back through old things I have written about and it makes me rememeber it. I have an awful memory and it's good to look back and see how I felt about something or even something happening. I used to keep a diary when I was younger but fear of it being found and also the amount of time it took me to write in it meant that I didn't really write in it that often. But, it was good to look back on things and see how things were at the time. I don't know how many people, if any will read this. I would like to think people would read it and I can remain totally anonymous. If I can't be honest on here then where can I be. No one knows me on here, no one knows I keep a blog so I have that security.
2 comments:
hi golden, sorry i haven't written, but i *have* been reading. i think you know what i am going to say. you should tell them. who cares if they tell your parents. your parents are of no use to you anyhow... and hopefully soon you will be not living with them. maybe there is an alternative to the hospital, like supportive housing where there will be someone to talk to in the middle of the night when the urges get too strong. as for your path going forward... yes.. hate me for it... what do you have to lose trying DBT... i know you are uncomfortable in groups, i think we all feel this way... and also there is the issue of meeting future clients. but, thing is, if you don't get well there will be no future clients... mindfulness never worked for me, either, i get that. xox c.
I can understand why you don't want to say anything.
But it sounds from what you have written as though things are going downhill, and you may well end up doing some serious harm to yourself which might cause permanent damage or even kill you. Your parents would find out and you would probably end up in hospital anyway.
Have you had a medication review lately? I don't know what you're currently taking but maybe there is something that would be more helpful.
And how much do your parents actually "care" for you? Is there anyway you move out? Sometimes it can make you feel stronger to have your own space and some independence.
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