Meh

I don't want to be on medication any more. I can't see the point in it. It's obviously not working when I am still planning my own suicide on an hourly basis. I feel so low and emotional. I don't have the energy to do anything and I don't want to do anything. I feel that no one can help with this. People have been trying to help me for the last few years and yet it always boils down to the same thing.

I am meant to be going into town to meet up with the OT tomorrow but I think I am going to give it a miss. Feign illness. Well, in a way I won't be lying. I can't face getting dressed and leaving the house at the moment. The whole idea of showering, putting normal clothes on and putting make-up on fills me with dread. I could never leave the house without make up in case I see someone I know. I just want to stay in my PJ's all day. Well, to make it look as though I have got dressed I just pull some jogging bottoms on with what ever t-shirt I slept in the night before. I don't think I have brushed my hair or teeth in 2-3 days. Gross.

The whole idea of ending my life just gets more and more appealing. I have been swallowing stuff, particularly razors in the hope that they will cut me up inside before passing through causing me an internal infection which gets me. It's happening nearly every day.

I lie awake for hours at night fantasising about how and when I can do it. It plays like a reel going round and round in my head. Keeping busy makes no difference. I tried that and I end up getting anxious as I get engulfed by the feelings and what's going on around me goes on in a haze and I lose track of things. My mind just wanders off and I get distracted by it and then I don't know what has been going on so I get anxious. So I feel it's better for me to let the thoughts be. Let them play their course. I've tried seeing a friend but I could barely hold a conversation.

I told the CPN when I saw her on Thursday that I would try and I did. But now I can't see the point. She said she would call me on Friday to check in and come up with a game plan. She called. Spent all of 2 minutes on the phone and just basically repeated the same thing. Keep busy and if you need to call crisis team. I doubt I will be doing that again. Not when they send the police round. Not when the only thing they have to say is keep busy and distract yourself. So what's the point?

So I am on my own. Nothing anyone says helps so I will just deal with it my way.