I am Scared.

I think they have been discussing admission to hospital. I spoke to Sam earlier and she mentioned it. She said it had been discussed and asked my feelings on it. I honestly don't think that going in to hospital would make things any better. It would make things worse. I think Sam agrees with me. She said she is concerned and that if I couldn't keep myself safe, that would be an option.

She asked me if I was planning anything and my feelings after. I said I feel let down and disappointed. Partly in myself and partly because it didn't work. I said it was so easy and I came so close to succeeding that doing it again seems appealing. I feel the same in myself, I think I do anyway. I said I was thinking of doing it again and making another serious attempt but not in the next couple of weeks. I think I worried her. She said she was concerned as she is off on holiday when I get back and so I wont be seeing her for about a month now.

She asked me my feelings about Dr T. I said that I had told him I was having suicidal feelings again and they were not questioned. She asked me if I felt that he had not done his job properly. I said not necessarily, as I wouldn't have told him exact plans anyway so there was not a lot that he would have been able to do. I acknowledged that it's my doing. That I have to take responsibility for what I do. I said the only way to stop me once I made my mind up would be to put me in a straight jacket. And because I am so intent on not going to hospital I wouldn't say if I was planning anything any way.

The reason for doing it? Well because I sick and tired of there not being any change in my changing moods. I'll be ok for a while and then I will be low/depressed for a few weeks or I will go a bit hyper and elated. I can't see how any of it will change as I don't see any triggers of why things are like they are. People are telling me there are triggers and I just need to learn to see what they are but I can't.

So, tomorrow there is a meeting between the clinical psychologist, the CPN who I saw a couple of times and Sam. It's worrying me quite a bit that these people are getting together to discuss me. I've not said anything. I think Sam knows I have not been totally honest about my feelings. She says I have come on since starting counselling but personally I do not see it. She tells me different ways in which I have but, I still don't see it.

I hate the idea of people talking about me like tomorrow will be. But I hate even more being there when people talk about me. The meeting with Dr T and Sam was horrible. I felt put on the spot and really nervous. So I wouldn't want to be there anyway. Sam said she would call me after.

She wants me to have something in place while she is off. She thinks it may be good seeing the CPN for a bit longer but, I don't feel as though anything can help me right now. I know it will happen again. I don't know when exactly, but when I get back it will happen again. I was close, really close according to the woman from Psych Medicine. But, I don't know if they were just saying that. I wonder if I hadn't have been found if or when I would have died. I think my body would maybe have just have sorted it's self out.

Anyway, I am still quite ill from it all. I nearly passed out this morning. I was outside and as I stood from a squatting position everything went black and then started spinning. I had to hold on to something so I didn't hit the deck. I came inside and sat down for a bit until it passed but it did worry me a little. Then, I went to see the nurse today to have my blood pressure checked (for my contraceptive pill for the PCOS) and it was 186/105. It has never been that high. She took it a few times. I told her about the attempt and what happened this morning and she called through to the doctor. She asked quite a few questions. I explained how I had been feeling really sick all day and having dizzy spells. Anyway, they wouldn't let me go as it was so high. I don't get it. When I was in hospital it was always on the low side. They called the doc in hospital at one point as it was only 85/50. I was at the doctors all in all 2 hours. In the end it did come down, 115/72. I got a head ache while I was there and still felt sick. She said if I was to get any worse I was to call the out of hours doc tonight and if I was still the same tomorrow to get an emergency appointment. Don't know what they would do. I could see them sending me back to the hospital. So I think I will just grin and bear it. After all, if it is serious and does get me then that's just a bonus.

I am worried they are going to suggest Psych wards. I can't tell them I will not do it again. If I did they would know I was lying. I don't know what I can say to make it look better for me. They will know if I suddenly change my tune that something is not right.

I've got an essay to write by Sunday evening. Sam said I should get an extension but I can't really when I know I am going on holiday on Monday for a week. I can't say "can I have an extension as I am going on holiday for a week so can I have a 2 week extension". Doesn't look good does it. Also I just want it out the way. There's still that small part of me that wants to succeed in life also.

So tomorrow, Sam is going to call me and let me know what goes on. I will write again when I know more. But I kind of feel my fate is not in my hands anymore. There is some weird thing that's not me controlling it!

x