Alive

I attempted again. I nearly succeeded. In future I must lock myself in the house and hide the keys.

I won't say what I did but it has been classed as a serious attempt that if I had not have been found would have worked.

Now everyone (as in professionals) is flapping. Especially as I said I could make no guarantees that it wont happen again. Which is true. I was unconscious from about 1am to 11am. I only briefly remember coming round a bit in the resuscitation room on the bed in just my knickers. And fit nurse was there. I made a fuss as obviously there were 2 blokes and I was practically naked. But I passed out again. I came round again 10 or so hours later hooked up to loads of machines. Apparently my heart was not happy and they had to give me some medication to slow it down.

Another embarrassing bit...my friend was on shift on the ward as the registrar. He told them who I was as I didn't have any ID on me. Embarrassing. He wont tell anyone as he can't, doctor patient confidentiality and all that. Although this morning I had to say to the nurse that I knew him and I didn't want him as my doctor as he was about to see me with all the other doctors like they do on ward round. So the Sister (are they called sisters if it's a bloke, is it a brother?) had a quick word and he discreetly went away when it was my turn.

So, all this led to a Psych Medicine referral. She was panicking. Then she was worrying me saying she couldn't decide any thing without speaking to Dr T my consultant Psychiatrist. She said he may suggest MHA Assessment, or make me see crisis team, or he may want to come see me as he was in the same hospital that day. So she had me worried for about an hour as she had to wait for him to come out of meetings. I then had some alcohol liaison nurse come see me which was a waste of time. I explained I didn't get drunk then decide it was a decision to do both and that usually I only drink about a bottle of wine per week and I have seen someone in the past and they had said there was no alcohol problem. So she was happy with that and left me to it.

Finally the woman from PM came back and said she had spoken to Dr T. All he said was I should call Crisis Team if I need help. So he obviously hasn't listened to a dam word I have said in all the appointments with him. PM woman also called Sam. I gave her permission to. I knew I would find it easier to discuss with her if she already knew all the details. So I get home after being there nearly 40 hours and Sam calls me. She wants me to go in tomorrow. I said I couldn't as I have kids to look after tomorrow so we have arranged a telephone appointment for tomorrow. She said she was worried as she is going to a meeting with the Clinical Psychologist and the CPN I saw on Friday and she hasn't seen me for ages. Which is right I suppose. I have only seen her once in the last 5 weeks and I am not going to see her for another month now as of my holiday and her holiday. She also said the feelings that other professionals were having were that I did it because I was told I was being discharged back to my GP. How wrong are they. I feel like seeing Dr T has been a waste of time and there is nothing that he did that my GP couldn't have done anyway.

So how do I feel now. Deflated. Pissed off. And I want to do it again and get it right.
PM woman asked if I was depressed at the moment. I said not. That I felt pretty stable. She then asked why. So I told her.

It's all a waste of time anyway. I don't think anyone can actually help me. I have been under Psychiatric services for coming up to a year now. And, not a lot has changed really. I feel that they have not done anything for me. I don't know what can be done for me.I think my GP would probably be better. I like my GP also. He always smiles when he sees you which is really nice. If that makes sense. He makes me feel unique and not just another patient with the same problem he has seen a million times.

Sam asked how I was feeling and I said I felt crap at the moment but I didn't know how I felt about the whole attempt thing. I hadn't had chance to think about it. I dunno, even though you are really bored hooked up to machines and with nothing to do, I don't think about it. It's when I get home and I am on my own. I have Vince coming over in a bit. Obviously I wont tell him what happened but he will be here to take my mind off things.

I will write again tomorrow when I have had this telephone appointment with Sam.

xxxx