A Mixture of Events!

I have been up to quite a lot since I last wrote on here. I have kept putting off writing as I know there is quite a lot I have wanted to talk about.

First off, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Bit of a pain but at least we know what is causing my gynecological problems now. It's a bit worrying in a way as may struggle on conceive naturally and I am bloody broody and will want to be having kids at the first practical opportunity. So I am sort of worried about that. It was quite an embarrassing appointment also. My gynecologist was a male. When you are having something done it's really quite an invasion of your privacy and when it's a male it's even worse. I know a couple of years ago I had a massage and it was a full body one. I thought at the time I would have rather have had a male gyne as that was rather undignified, however, this was not the case. It was a horrible appointment. I had a coil fitted and it hurt so much and I nearly passed out as of the pain which made me breathe funny. They kept me there a while after as they were worried I was going to hit the deck. It was a horrible experience and made even worse that it was for nothing as the coil expelled the next day! However, it has been good to find some answers and I have been told the PCOS could account for the depression, being overweight and a few other things. Hopefully the medication I am on for it will help. I know so far it has suppressed my appetite so I am quite happy about that.

I think things are getting better for me with my moods also. I have not wanted to self harm as much. I have a couple of times over the last couple of weeks but not seriously. Just a bit of blood letting. So I am thinking that the new meds are working. I was given meds for the PCOS and the meds are for diabetics. Before one of my methods that I thought I could end it all with would be sending me blood sugar low and having a hypo. So when I was given these pills I had an idea, it was like being given it handed on a plate. However, I have not acted on it. I have taken them in the way they should be and I have not really wanted to take them like that. So I am taking that as an improvement.

I have finished uni for xmas now. Had my exam so that is out the way now. I hope I have passed it. I made the mistake of looking at a couple of the answers after and seeing that I wrote the wrong law to the answer. So hopefully I have only gone wrong in a couple of places. It's good how much of it has sunk in though. I was discussing something with my friends yesterday about social care and I was able to quote them the law etc.

Last week I found out my Gran had been taken ill and taken in to hospital. At first there was loads of chinese whispers about what was wrong with her and that it didn't look hopeful. I am not the closest person to my Gran and I have not seen her in about 3 years. It's not that she lives miles away but there are a couple of reasons. The first being is that she has dementia so she doesn't know who I am and I don't want to upset her by being there. Also the other reason is that I don't actually like her that much. She was a terrible parent to my Dad and his family and they were treated like crap by her. I struggle to forgive her for this as you can see how it has affected my Dad.

Anyway though. I was worried about her. But for selfish reasons. I know it sounds really awful. A close grandparent of mine died just before xmas a few years ago. Since then the run up to xmas has always been a sad time really. However, once the anniversary of the death has gone things return to normality. As I have said before, if I haven't I am now, my Dad has undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I think so any way. He has never been seen for them and he probably isn't even aware that he has them. But when he is down or depressed it manifests its self as one mood. And, that in angry, take it out on everyone else, be in a mood type mood. It's horrible being around him. He gets like this about 2 weeks before the anniversary of his Dad's death and about 2 weeks after. So I was being really selfish about this, thinking I can not cope with every year him being like that. It was awful when my other grandparent died. We were really close and I still miss them like mad.

My gran is approaching 90. She has had dementia for the past 15 or so years and got worse when her husband died. She has been in a care home for about 10 years now. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore etc. I have said I don't mind smoking so much now as I would rather die at 70 having had a full life than live in to my late 80's but not know what is going on around me. I am planning on giving up smoking. When I decide I want to try for kids that is when I will stop. I don't want my kids to grow up and me smoking around them.

I have had another appointment with the organisation I was put in touch with also. It surprises me how anxious and emotionally that the appointments affect me. I have had counselling before but this sends me in to a near panic attack. I didn't realise talking about the self harm openly with someone and also talking about my feelings and emotions would have such an effect on me. The person I see she can see how I am feeling as I can't hide it. She is a MH nurse and picks up on my body language etc. She's really good and she wont push me unless I want her to. She wants to not discuss things as they are making me so worked up but I have said I can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and I would rather jump in at the deep end and get on with it. I just hope I don't drown.

I feel as though I am outgrowing my friends. I went away this weekend with them for one of their birthdays. I can't say I enjoyed it that much. They like chavy places which I can't stand. I don't want to go in to a bar and be squeezed in and not be able to move or hear anyone. I can not stand Whetherspoons places as brings out the worst people. They call the places I would like to go to pretentious as they think that people are trying to be something they are not. Well what if people like those places and are not pretending to be like that etc. I don't think I am better than everyone but I will look down my nose at people who are making a fool of themselves or are swearing, falling over the place drunk etc. it's just not nice behaviour to see. If that makes me pretentious then let it. I just can't see what's wrong with a bit of class. These girls are happy going to Magaluf every year on holiday. Want to go on weekends away to Blackpool and Skegness. They don't really have any class. They want to go in to Sports Bars while away as that's where the English men are. Not the men I want to meet though. I had an argument with one of them while we were on holiday saying what is the point in coming all this way on holiday and going to awful bars like you can go to in the home city??? She said all the men were in there. I said not the kind of men I want to meet! OK, maybe I am stuck up slightly but I have standards. I don't like chavs, and if I go out I want to enjoy myself, not be rammed in to a cattle market. I went out a couple of weeks ago with one of my old school friends. She is like me...but worse. When we went out we had a great time though as went to nice bars. I didn't feel the need to get so trollied to deal with it either. I am getting old...I like bars where you can sit and talk. I like going to clubs etc...but the club needs to play decent music and not be full of chavs.

I am not sleeping properly recently. I have been awake since 4.30am today. I was asleep by 10 last night as the past 2 nights I hadn't slept very well. I am going to be knackered by the end of the day. I hope I can get myself in to a proper routine again soon as I am going to be ill over xmas if it carries on. I am already ill as it is with a cold and cough but it wont go away if I can't get enough sleep. I tried to get back to sleep this morning but after an hour or so I gave up and decided I would get up. Wouldn't mind so much usually but I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Got a couple of training days...what joy!