Friday 17th October

I went to my GP and I got some sleeping pills to last me a week. Hopefully that will help me get some sleep and feel rested. I can then tackle how I am feeling. I am hoping that a few decent nights sleep will get me feeling quite a bit better.

Last night I lay in bed hours before managing to get to sleep and all that was going through my mind was how I could kill myself and make it look like an accident. All these things going through my mind such as falling from a height, getting hit by a car, getting stabbed or something. Just all these things going round and round in my head.

I told my GP that the thoughts had returned and I was feeling quite shit in myself. She said she was going to contact my CPN and speak to her about it. I said there wasn't much point as they knew what was going on for me and there wasn't a lot that they could do. She said about increasing my medication and I said I had seen the doctor on Tuesday and he said he wasn't going to do that. What gets me though is they are currently doing a study looking in to the effects on people with BPD and traits such as myself. I was reading a bit about this and it says up to 300mg of Lamotrigine can be prescribed. 400mg where the person is taking the contraceptive pill. I am. Apparently the CP reduces the effects of the lamotrigine. I am only on 50mg. So basically I may as well only be taking a sweetener tablet as it's not going to be doing anything. I may as well just stop taking it.

I really feel like telling the lot of them to fuck off. But I don't know how much of that is to do with how I am feeling right now and if I am not looking at it in the right way. If I am being too hasty and not making a decision with my head. I can't help but think part of my thinking is how it was back in 2011 when I told them I would not engage and I didn't want anything to do with them, this ended up with me getting sectioned. Not the best move. So I am scared that if I do tell them all to leave me alone that it is going to head down that path again. So, I feel as though I am being forced in to it.

I was supposed to speak with my CPN today but I missed her calls. I tried calling her back but I think she must now be out of the office. I suppose she will call me tomorrow.

I don't know what to do really. I am worried about the weekend and how it's going to be for me. I know I can't do anything tonight as I have said I will look after my nephew all day tomorrow. He's helping me keep my mind occupied and I would never do anything while either of them are around. So I know I won't do anything tonight. But come tomorrow evening until Tuesday I am not expected to be anywhere or see anyone. I have tried to organise things with people so I feel as though I have some commitment and so that people expect to see me and they would know something was wrong if I just didn't show. But no one is available. Maybe I should ask for a crisis team visit?

Anyway, I am just moaning now, like usual.