A Mess So I'm Having A Moan.

I am in a bit of a state. I feel so low. I am having massive urges and I don't quite know what to do. I am going to a spin class later to try and tire myself out so I sleep. I do want to go, I really enjoy Wednesday spin as the music she has on is brilliant. I am hoping that combined with that and the circuits class I will have some endorphins released to make me feel a bit less low.

I am not sure why I feel like this. Maybe it's the not being allowed to go back to uni. Some kind of delayed response. I started to feel on a downer at the beginning of September and it's just been getting worse. Perhaps it's the weather. When it was sunny and hot I was out more during the day even if it was just walking down to my local park with a book. I don't have much money at the moment so I can't really go anywhere during the day. I am keeping active though and exercising 4-5 times a week. I am eating well (most the time bar the binges). I am doing everything my team have told me to do. But, it is not working.

I am not sure if I should call anyone from my team but I am not sure what or if there is anything they can do. I am going to see my GP tomorrow but I will have my nephew with me so it's not like I can say much as I don't want to risk him repeating anything to anyone.

The thoughts of ending it are at the forefront of my mind. They are there a lot of the time. They are strong. If I did anything I would have to be sure it would work. I can't go through what I went through in April again. I am still not over the physical side effects from it. I am under investigation at the hospital for things which have come about because I was unconscious for so long with a tube down my throat. Then there are the nightmares I have still about having the tube down my throat and not being able to move at all. The hallucinations I was having those first couple of nights after and having to be sedated by the team in ITU because I was getting so worked up because I didn't believe I was in hospital and that they had moved me to some weird place.

Then of course I have had to live with the after effects of how my family responded and how my friends were affected by it. Not so long a go my friend was nearly in tears when she was talking about it. We were drunk and emotions were running high, but it's the first time any of my friends have really spoke to me about it.

I can't go through all that.

I wish it had have worked then. I don't think I have it in me to do anything like that again. I am not brave enough. So that means I have to go on living like this.

Anyway, in my benefit scrounging scummy life, I have most the days free unless I have appointments or classes to get to. I am looking for volunteer work to try and do something more. I am meeting with someone in a couple of weeks to help me with it. References are my problem at the moment as they want someone who knows what I am like in a professional role. I haven't been in a professional role for years. No one knows me like that. I was moaning about it to Dr T yesterday and he said he would write me a reference. While that's really nice of him, I don't think it's quite what they are looking for. Besides, I want to keep it all separate. I don't want my professional life and personal life crossing over.

Anyway, so in my nothing day today and due to not having any money I have stayed in until it is time to go to Spin. I recorded a program on channel 5 that was on the other night called On Benefits and Proud (click on the link to watch On Demand). So I have just watched that. It makes me so angry and it also worries me about the perception people may have of me. I am living off benefits at the moment and probably will be for another year or so. I worry that people will think I am scrounging and that I haven't really been ill and am not now. Mental illness is not a physical illness that people can see. And so I worry if people think I am faking, that I am just another benefit scrounger.

But, it does annoy me how much money is being given to people who just refuse to work. That don't use anything in terms of birth control as they know that popping out a few kids will give them more money. OK, some people do have kids because they can shower them in love and give them the love they deserve, but there are people who bring kids in to the world because of what having kids will get them. I get that it is a persons right to be able to have children. But surly when you have 6,7,8+ kids, can you really give each child the love and attention they deserve?

The government is not making it worth while people getting jobs. It was saying on the program that they would need to be earning 30k a year plus. More than the national average. So, how someone with no qualifications and no work experience is going to get this, it's anyone's guess. So, why should these people get a job when they can get more money not working. I don't know exactly how the benefit system works here. But, perhaps people should have their benefits reduced by so much for every month they are out of work. And then when they are in work their money is topped up so they then get how much they were getting when they were on benefit. That way they are more able to get a job related to their skills and qualifications and work their way up. They wouldn't need to have this unrealistic expectation of getting a job at entry level that pays 30k a year plus.

If they aren't able to find work then be in some kind of training etc so that they can gain skills.

That's just my ideal. I'm probably totally wrong.