Changes Are Coming.

And no, I'm not really happy about them as I don't like change.

My CPN came round today. I told her how I was really struggling and that I had been having quite a few urges. She asked me about what G had asked me to do about writing down a pros and cons list of self harm when I wanted to do it. I said it hadn't really helped as in a way I just reinforced my own beliefs that swallowing stuff wasn't that bad. She asked me if that meant I had swallowed something. So of course I said no. She said that that didn't really make sense as if I was talking myself into it being ok, it wouldn't make sense that I wouldn't do it. So she asked me again and I said no. Then she asked me that if I had would I be honest and tell her I had and I said I wouldn't.

She left it at that really.

We talked a bit about what her role is in everything and she said that she felt she was useful when it was a bad time for me, but she could only then see me once every couple of weeks. And she said she didn't really feel that this was enough at times. She said I will still be getting the weekly psychological input from G and the medical input from Dr T but she felt at times I needed more. I have been on the waiting list to move over to another team for quite a while. The team I am under is only really meant to have you on their books for 1 year as it is an assessment team. I have been with them around 2 and a half years. She is only supposed to work for people for up to a year and she has been with me since April 2011. She said she felt that this other team would be better able to deal with me as I would be under the HTT rather than crisis team and if I needed them they are more able to do home visits and get more involved when needed and take a step back when not needed. But I would be getting a new CPN. The relationship I have had with this one has taken a few turns really and has really taken it's time to grow. I really didn't like her at first and I had a lot of issues with her, but now I quite like her and I am as honest as I could possibly be with her. It's taken so long to finally get somewhere with her. A lot of it was me and how I have changed and what I have accepted, but I don't really want to go through all that again with someone new and have to build that relationship all over again.

But she said that we need to think about getting someone from the new team involved as she doesn't want me to feel as though I am just passed over without much thought etc etc. She also wants everyone to clarify their roles in my recovery and all that shebang. So she said she wanted to arrange a meeting with her, G, Dr T, the new person and that she wanted me to attend. I said there was no way that that was going to happen as I don't want to go to meetings that are about me. She said it would be beneficial as she wouldn't want me to think that things are being done to me without any of my input. I said I didn't feel like that at all and would rather the power be taken out of my hands at times as most of the time, especially when things aren't the best, I don't know what is best for me. So, I prefer other people to make the decision for me. Then she started saying how this just feeds in to my avoiding things and that it would be better for me to approach it. I asked what the big deal was with avoiding this, if that is what I was doing. Yeah, I can see with some things I avoid things and it can be a huge problem. But not this. She just said she will arrange the meeting and let me know when it was so that if I changed my mind I could go. Well, that won't be happening. I'll prob have G trying to talk me in to it and getting all psychologisty on me about my thoughts and feelings about it. I can't see the point in subjecting myself to anxiety if I don't need to. But, I won't be doing. No way.

I can't really remember much else of the appointment. She was with me about an hour. The next appointment is in 4 weeks as I can't make the appointment in 2 weeks as I have my nephew for a couple of days and the week after I am away. She is part time I think and I don't think she works school holidays so getting to see her can at times be tricky. So, maybe someone who is more readily available would be handy, but then I don't think I have ever asked to bring an appointment forward with her. She's been the one chasing me and making me see her. So, I am not that bothered that she is not at my beck and call. Besides I am aware she has more than one patient and that her job does not revolve around me. I would rather people concentrate their efforts elsewhere rather than with me anyway as they will probably benefit more than me who ends up screwing everything up and going back to the start over and over again. I would rather them put their efforts in to helping someone who is actually ill rather than me.

I've kind of started seeing someone at the moment. But that's a whole other post. Maybe tomorrow.