Times Like This

It's when things are like this and I actually think if sending me to a secure unit, like they wanted to, would have been best for me.

I can't keep myself safe. I can't look after myself. At the moment my thing is Vodka. I am drinking to release myself from the feelings. But, in all honesty that doesn't work either.

On June 22nd 2012 I had an assessment with some people from a low secure unit. But I paid lip service. I told them what they wanted to hear and it stopped me from going there. My Psychologist has said since he has wondered if it was for the best as it would stop him being so worried about me. I think he had quite a bit to do with me not going there as well. Well, he was the person I was talking to in so much detail about things. I knew for months that this assessment was going to happen. It was about February time that they said they were referring me. So, I suppose I down played everything. Yes, I told them I was having urges. But I suppose I was only half honest with them. I knew what they wanted to hear, and I said it. I knew they wanted to admit I had problems, but I told them I was aware of them and that I knew the triggers and I knew how to deal with them before they turned in to full blown problems.

But now I am wondering if I had have gone to one, where would I be now. I would have been forced to do a lot of things I didn't want to, but maybe that would have helped. Would it have helped. I don't think the staff on that PICU wanted to send me somewhere like that. But then what they say to you and what they actually think is a different matter.

I don't want to go back in to hospital. But you know what is making me say that. It's my flat. I love my flat. I love living on my own. I love how homely I have it. It's comfortable. I just love it. I sit looking at the fireplace and it's amazing. A big feature fireplace. It's got loads of character. If I was living with my parents I probably would concede and go back in. But I have more motivation to stay out now. I keep thinking if I am away for more than 30days I am not insured. If I am away for more than 30 days I won't have the housing benefit paid. So if I go back in, I will lose my home. A home that I love.

A while a go my Psychologist mentioned a long term place he thought I should consider. It is for people with problems similar to mine. You are not under section but there are strict rules and procedures that you have to follow. Typical length of stay is 12 months. But, I can't go there. Anyway, it's mostly DBT based and now they are saying that that isn't suitable. So that is out. Maybe, well it probably is at the moment that I feel I need someone to take over all care of me as it is pretty obvious I can't do it for myself. That's a schema there. Something to work on!

So today I had to go for blood tests to check out my hormone levels and thyroid function. I have only one memory of meeting the nurse I saw, but as soon as I walked in she was like "wow, you change your hair every time I see you". I am sure I only saw her November time for a wound check. I was getting really anxious about the blood tests as since I was in hospital I really have a thing about people jabbing me with needles. Weird considering I blood let for so long, and the amount of OD's and hospital admissions. But yeah, I was freaking. I have really shit veins and they can't usually get anything from me. But I was so surprised she managed to get a vein first time and I hardly felt a thing. Any future tests I am going back to her. She was lovely.

Tonight is the first night I take the Lamotrigine. There are some pretty serious side effects to it, which include a rash that can actually kill you. In some ways I hope I get it. That will make it a lot easier for me. Although, saying that, it's a pretty ugly rash. Blistering etc, so if it doesn't kill you it could leave you scarred. I do have a lot of scars already. It is something that I hate and makes me feel so ugly. I already have massive body conscious issues so the scars don't help. But, they can all be covered by long sleeve tops and long trousers. But this rash could be on my face and visible. So I have a lot of scars, I am overweight and disgusting, but I am still quite vain. I think it's one of the reasons why the fact I nearly had a tracheostomy really got to me as that would have been a visible scar.

Downstairs seem to be at it again with people over and generally being noisy. It makes me really anxious as it could lead to screaming and shouting which really gets to me. It may not as well, but there is that potential. So I sit there all anxious waiting for it to happen. I know I am such a pessimistic. Psychologist has told me off for it as have my friends. But the way I see it, I have less chance of being hurt if I expect it.

Ok, the screaming has now started. Grrrr.