Anxious..But This Time I Know Why.

So today I was meant to be going for dinner with my ex's sister and Mum. I had prepared myself for it. Kind of. Bit weird I know, I've not seen his Mum in over 3 years and last time it was under horrible circumstances.

But his sister text me earlier and said as it's so nice was thinking of having a BBQ at hers instead. So I said that was fine. And then she said could her Dad and partner join in. Of course I am not going to say no. But now it has turned in to a family BBQ minus my ex. And today is the day he was supposed to be getting married. So instead of his family being at his wedding, they are spending the afternoon with me. What the hell is he going to think. I don't want him thinking I am trying to muscle my way back in.

Yeah, it will be nice to see everyone. But it's going to be really weird. And invoke a lot of feelings in me. I was thinking of lying and say I was seeing someone. So it's pretty obvious that that is not happening. But my friend said you already have to lie enough about the last couple of years (hospital admissions, uni, work, nearly dying etc) and you could end up tripping up over your self. She's got a point.

I am more worried about what they will think and what he will think than of myself. I am feeling really anxious about it though. I mean really anxious. My friend said I should come down with a lost limb or something. But I can't lie now. Not on the day.

I should have just paid the money to go to her hen party next week (and not lie about having to work) rather than suggesting dinner as now it has turned in to this. I am feeling like shit with my mood and urges anyway. So, I am going to have to spend the afternoon with a happy face and a everything's OK outlook.

This is going to be really hard. Really hard.

Today's Psychology Appointment.

The first thing he asked was how I was. That's pretty standard. Then he asked what had happened. So I asked if he had not read about it as I wanted to know just how much he knew. He said he had tried to get my notes but someone else had them so hadn't been able to. In some respects I wish he had just read about it. It was really hard telling him only a little bit of what I had told him. I didn't tell him the half of it. I couldn't. Too hard. But, when he does get round to reading my notes he will probably wonder why I only told him a small slice. And downplayed that.

I just told him about what happened last week. How it ended up with the police involved. He asked if I had taken anything and I said I didn't know. He kept asking me and all I could say was I didn't know. I don't know if he believed me or not.

We mainly talked about the Schema therapy and the results of the questionnaire that I filled in. I don't know what triggered me off but all of a sudden I came over all emotional and anxious and couldn't really say much. I think I was just going through everything over the last couple of weeks and it invoked emotions in me. He picked up on it and stopped what he was talking about. He said he knew something was going on and tried to get me to talk about it. But I couldn't. I didn't even know what was going on. I was just having so many thoughts running through my mind about everything. He thought it was to do with talking about the schema results and that I may feel as though I was being criticised. But I didn't feel like that at all. He tried to get me to explain how I was feeling and I couldn't really do that all I could say was that all of a sudden I was feeling quite anxious. I don't think it was about the SFT as I had a pretty good idea what he would be talking about before I went in to the appointment and from doing the questionnaire and reading about the different schemas I knew where I had problems so it wasn't news to me.

So we just talked about the different schemas and he said that they weren't really any surprise to him and also about how we deal with them and he said he had a pretty good idea of how I did and I agreed as he was pretty spot on. He also said I didn't do some of the things that are usually quite common such as manipulating people around me etc. It was quite nice to hear that as I worry about that quite a bit. They say I have PD traits etc and I also know that a lot of people who are diagnosed as having a PD are seen to be manipulative. While I didn't think I was at all, I was worried that people may think I was. Even though I'm not. While I was at the out of town PICU where Fingers worked, he said I was manipulative and tried to play staff off against each other. I never did this at all, I am not like that it is not something I would do. So I have been quite paranoid about it since. When I had access to my notes just over a year ago I noticed it was something he had written and I was quite upset about it. I asked a couple of the nurses who I was quite close to if they ever thought I had manipulated anyone or the situation I was in and they said not at all. But, I didn't know if they were just telling me what I wanted to hear. But now the psychologist has said it I can kind of breathe a sigh of relief. He would never tell me what I want to hear and can be pretty harsh at times. Saying how it is and getting annoyed with me when I don't listen etc.

It doesn't help when someone asks about a person manipulating the system to get s.117 after care and then there is a comment such as "Come into mental health social work and see how people with Personality Disorder manipulate!!!". 

And this is coming from a professional. Can really make you feel shit about things when you don't even have professionals in your corner.

Anyway, we addressed my concerns about it and childhood, length of therapy etc. He said what was more important was that we changed the schemas not necessarily picking a part how and when they developed. While I don't really like the idea of delving in to childhood, as I think mine was pretty normal and I would like to keep that perception, I would sort of like to know why I have developed like I have. I didn't say this as he had already said it would not really be effective. So didn't see much point. Maybe I will bring it up next time and say I have been thinking about it. I do get where he is coming from in saying it wouldn't really be effective but I think I would like to understand more.

I was kind of expecting only to be working with him for a few more months tops. Perhaps until I went back to uni, if I go back to uni that is. He said we would be able to meet weekly from now on, well our next appointment is in 2 weeks as he is off next week. But weekly from then on. And he wants to meet at 09.30am every Monday morning. Yuck! My reaction was "Seriously"?! He said he knew I had days where I spent the day in bed and didn't do anything worth while and having the appointments in the afternoon just reinforces my whole not approaching the day thing. So he feels he needs to have me coming in for the first appointment of the day so that I am up and doing something and getting me in to some kind of routine. I get where he is coming from on this, I do. But I can't say I like it. I am not a morning person. I don't function well in the mornings. But I thought, oh well, it will just be for a few weeks. And then he said we'll reevaluate in a year and see where we are then. Eeeek. Full on. Really full on. I was not expecting that at all. Especially as when I was discharged from the section back in August 2012 he said he'd see me for just a little while after to see how things had been getting on. Then that went to March time 2013. He has said many times that we need to have an end in sight so I just assumed it would be quite soon really. I don't think he has outpatients who he sees like he sees me. I think he has an inpatient case load and he works on the DBT side of things so probably sees people for their individual sessions. But a year. That's a long time.

Before I knew it an hour had passed and he had done most of the talking today. We quickly talked about uni and he said he had seen the emails that had gone between the course director and myself and was really happy I had approached it. But he thought that when she wanted to meet up was too soon (in the next few weeks). I agreed and was relieved he said that. I said to him that if I was in their position there would be no way I would be saying I was fit to practice at the moment. If I doubt my own abilities, how do I expect them to support me going back. So he told me to email her back and tell her that he was taking some annual leave over the coming weeks and the earliest he would be able to meet would be mid July. He said that would give us time to start work and he would be able to get a better idea of where things are going and how I am doing. So I am happier about that. I am glad he has come up with that plan. I am hoping it will give me some time to get my shit together and at least make some progress.

So I emailed her as soon as I got in and told her this and she asked me if I could come in on my own before the 3 way meeting. She said it would be a good idea so I could see how I feel about being back on campus and also so she could discuss the changes of the course with me. Even though I don't want to, I can see that it may be a good idea so I said I would. It may make the 3 way meeting less daunting. That's another thing I really don't want to do. I don't mind her speaking to the psychologist, but I would just rather it if I wasn't there. I hate being there when I am being discussed. Even if it is good stuff. I hate it. I don't like being the centre of attention. I am really easily embarrassed and flustered so I really hate it. Unless I am with people I know really well like my friends where I can let go a bit. When I am on placement we have to have placement meetings with our personal tutor, the in placement mentor and the practice educator. When I had my last mid way point review it was really positive and people were speaking over each other to say how well I was doing. I hated it. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I just hate being talked about while i am there. It's why I won't go to any of the CPA type meetings as I would just rather them do it behind my back. It makes me so uncomfortable.

Speaking of CPA meetings. There is another one at the beginning of June about me. It will involve all my team getting together and discussing me and saying what they are doing, what I am doing and where things are going. So that invokes feelings of paranoia in me. I hate it. I really do.

Today I saw my TSW for the last time. I am being signed off from their service. How do I feel about it. Well,  I know that there is nothing more that they can do for me as I have now moved in to my own flat and I am all set up with what needs to be set up etc. I am just worried that if something does arise I won't be able to deal with it on my own. I have no confidence in my abilities at all at the moment. I can't even read a gas meter and get confused by it. It was good having a TSW as she helped me get sorted out with things that at the moment I wouldn't have been able to do and would have just got confused and flustered. Little things like making phone calls to sort out my council tax etc. But it is all done now and I can see that I don't need their service any more. Also, my TSW is leaving and the service is actually being migrated to another one. The same one I did my first placement at. So I don't really want to be on their books as I don't like people to know about my MH issues. So I suppose I should be happy that I have made some progress in at least one area of my life. But I can't help but worry. But if I rationalise with myself, all the household things are set up and running. My only concern is my benefits when I go back to uni as it will get complicated as I will be entitled to a bursary, but because of my MH problems I will still be able to get some ESA as I get high rate care DLA. It also means I will still get my housing benefit. But it's going to be a pain in the ass sorting it out. I am really worried about the hassle it's going to cause. But, as I said to her, I know it's not their area. CAB or Welfare Rights are the ones I need to approach about it when the time comes. So, I should be seeing this as a good thing. I should. I need to.

And that's about it. This has been a long post. But at least it's wasted an hour and a half writing it and has been a good distraction from the urges of wanting to swallow something. It was quite weird on the way out of the appointment with the psychologist today. He said to me don't go and end up hurting yourself after today's appointment will you? I know I went a bit weird. But I just found it odd he would say that, as if he knew what I was thinking about. Mind you he probably knows me so well by now that he can probably for see my actions before I can. When I did go a bit weird, I don't know where it came from but I just wanted to get up and run away. It's not even as though we were discussing anything I didn't know. And I do feel kind of positive about this new therapy. That's not to say I am not terrified of doing it. I really am. My CPN said it's a normal feeling. But. Well. I don't like it. But today he came out and asked me straight out if I felt like getting up and leaving. How he knew that as it is never something I have done, and wouldn't do, but the urge was there. I don't know why. But he hit the nail on the head. I denied it though in case he told me to go and have a fag and come back in 5, and I knew that we were pressed for time and wanted to get through everything. So I just rode it out. His parting words were along the lines of "everything will be alright you know".  I really hope they are as I can't live like this!

Psychology Tomorrow.

I'm so nervous about it. He is going to know what has happened over the last two weeks and I know I am going to get lectured by him.

When I am feeling terrible I think to myself "surly I am at rock bottom now"? And yet there always seems to be another way of getting even lower etc.

I am not sure what has triggered this even going lower. I am worrying about things, maybe it's that. But, saying that I didn't start to worry and think about things until a week in to this whole new low.

A lot of the reason I have been drinking so much is because I can't cope with the hallucinations and feelings of despair and I just need something to numb it and make the hallucinations go away, even if it's just a temporary thing. When I am drunk I don't experience the hallucinations. So I turn to the bottle. I know it's not the best way of dealing with it. But I don't know another effective way.

And yes, it has got me into trouble. I had the police involved again last week. They in turn called my Dad, who called my brother and got him to come round. The police wanted me to go to the hospital but I said no. I wasn't going to go sit in a crowded ED department whilst feeling like shit as it would make me feel even worse. So they called crisis team who wanted to speak to me but I said I didn't want to. I knew I couldn't leave my flat as they would have put me on a 136. They even made an ambulance come and tried to get them to get me to go. My brother was trying to get me to go and was having a right go at me saying I was ill and needed to get help. He wanted to arrange a mental health assessment. I am quite lucky in a way that he didn't know that all he needed to do was get my Dad who is my NR to say I needed one and then they would probably have to have done one. After a while the police and ambulance decided I did have capacity and said I could stay at home. But before this they kept telling me I had no choice and I had to go. I knew they were wrong. They can't drag me out my home if I have capacity and I have not done anything criminal. But, I was worried that they would wrongly put me on a 136 anyway, as I have heard of it happen before.

I went back to bed after they had gone and they only left on the basis that I am phone every hour by my brother. I missed the first call as I didn't hear my phone and I got woken up again to a police man at the door. He didn't stay long though. Also while I was sleeping someone from crisis team came round, but I didn't hear him. I phoned them the next day to see if I could have some meds and the guy I spoke to told me he was the one who everyone was speaking to about me the day before. He said he had come out to my address but there was no answer. At least he didn't call the police as well. He should have called and told me he was coming really. Bit annoyed by that really. Anyway, he said he wouldn't be arranging meds for me as I needed to get through it on my own and not rely on meds. I can see his point, but I really needed something. When I feel like that I drink or self-harm or both. On this occasion I just self harmed. I suppose as what they class as serious. But, not to me. He said he would contact my CPN as it was pretty obvious I needed something at the moment in terms of support.

So she called me on Tuesday and we had a chat about what had been happening over the last couple of weeks. She said she would speak to Dr T about me being able to have some meds in crisis times. But the way she was talking about it, I'm not holding my breath.

I've been trying to distract myself by doing some research for my dissertation and reading around the area I want to cover. But I can't help that feel it is a waste of time. My course director wants to meet with me and the psychologist in a couple of weeks to discuss the course, how I have been doing and what problems I may encounter. She then wants a letter from the psychologist stating my fitness to practice. I don't see how he is going to be able to tell them that I am. I wouldn't if I was in their position. Not now. It's only been a few weeks since I nearly died. I am not doing well at the moment, I am in a worse position now than I was before I nearly died. So how they are going to be able to say I can go back I don't know. My doctor said he wouldn't be telling anyone I would be able to continue as he doesn't think I should be doing anything that could cause me any stress. They're a team and he is the doctor so I can't see my psychologist being able to say any different. So, I don't know what that means for my planned future career. I know just how intense the course is and how stressful it is. They are going to be told that. I have been told I am not to do anything that could cause me stress. So I think that basically means I won't be going back. So I have blown it. If I am not able to go back in September I will probably have to reapply and get through the very competitive competition to start the course from the beginning.

I found my diary from when I went travelling 3 years ago the other day and I spent an hour or so reading that. I was quite shocked at how I wrote. I have changed so much in these last 3 years. I seem quite young in how I was writing. And from reading it, although I tried to make a point of not writing about depressing stuff it is apparent I was depressed then as well. But I was trying to keep a lid on it and not let it overwhelm me. It wasn't until 3 months later that this lid came off and when I came back in to contact with services again. It opened my eyes to just how much of a dangerous situation I put myself in at times and not caring if I lived or died. I seem to have blocked out those times and is only through reading about them that I remember. There was one incident where I was tubing on the river and I was drunk, high on mushrooms and high on weed. Not a great combination. I could barely move. We had to get across the river as it was getting dark and all we had were these tractor inner tubes to float in. There was someone helping me but I remember I just wanted to be left alone to float down the river on my own and not caring if I died.

So, I am really worried about this appointment tomorrow. He called me Monday morning also. He only called to change our appointment as it was supposed to have been today. He asked how things were. I said that they were pretty shit. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. I clammed up and said I couldn't and could we leave it until our appointment and told him it would probably all be in my notes anyway. So, he has probably seen those and knows in every detail what has gone on in these last 2 weeks. I don't really want to talk about it. But he will say I am avoiding it and that it's not healthy for me to be doing this etc etc etc. Yes, I know I am avoiding it, but I don't see how talking about it will help me. I can write about it on here, but talking about it is a different matter. I think avoiding things works for me. They don't.

Oh well. I need to try and be more positive. I am such a pessimist.

Truths Continued

16) Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Cinnamon, it's vile and it makes me heave. I could also live without these bloody mental health problems. I think most people would say that.

17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I'm not sure on this. I do try to read quite a lot and a lot of the things I read make me think. A lot of Jodi Picoult's books make me question what I would do if I was put in that situation and they are very thought provoking. Her most recent one The Storyteller covers the Holocaust and about a Nazi that was involved in it. Very harrowing and makes you think. But I can't say it changed my view of anything.

18) Your views on gay marriage.

I agree with it. I agree that if two people love each other, just because they are gay should not mean that they can not commit to each other in the same way that heterosexual couples can.

19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I was brought up as a Catholic going to church every Sunday and feast. But, I no longer agree with the Catholic religion and feel it needs updating. I hated the way it was forced down me at school. But, saying that, I do find religion really interesting and love to learn more about different religions. It wasn't until I was about 18 that I started to learn about different religions. When I was at school all we learnt about was Catholicism and thought I hated everything to do with religion. But it was studying it in Sociology at college that my eyes were opened to it. And then with my travels around Asia where I encountered different religions I became more interested in it. But I can't say I agree with everything from every religion. I like certain aspects of certain religions. I do think it's important that people respect other's religions and I ensure that I do this.

In terms of politics, I hate to admit that I don't really follow it. It should do, but it doesn't really hold my interest. I know I should be more interested especially as I am hoping to go in to a career that is quite influenced by politics and what the government says.

20) Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I drink. And I have tried different drugs. So I can't say I am against either.  I think more needs to be done with early interventions in drugs and alcohol (I have written about this before back in I think February 2011). Alcohol costs the government upwards of £10billion a year where as drugs is around £1billion. So it would highlight that alcohol is more of a problem in society. Alcohol is medicalised in the approach that is taken and I don't necessarily agree with this. A more behaviourist approach should be taken and invest money in to longer term interventions such as therapy and also in educating younger people about it. When I was in school we never really learnt about the dangers of alcohol and how it can kill you. Also, the way our culture is around alcohol needs to be changed. We are a nation of binge drinkers. If you look at countries such as France, they don't seem to have the same problems that we have.

I don't really know how I feel about legalising drugs. It may reduce crime levels, but then could it become more socially acceptable, like alcohol and raise the cost to the government in the long run?

21) (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

If they are a true friend you wouldn't care about the fight. You should be worried about your friend and put the fight behind you.

22)  Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Stealing the money. I also wish I hadn't let myself be pressurised in to sleeping with someone at 13, long before I was ready. And again when I was 15 when the older man pressurised me even though I said I didn't want to. I wish I had put up a fight and been more forceful.

23) Something you wish you had done in your life.

I suppose I answered this above, in that I wish I had been more forceful in saying I didn't want to do something.

24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists)

I really can't think of anyone I would want to make a playlist for other than me.
Funeral Song - Frank Turner - Long Live The Queen.
Angry Song - My Chemical Romance - Destroya
A Song That Makes Me Happier - The Killers - For Reasons Unknown, All These Things That I've Done.
A Song To Feel - The White Lies - Death, Unfinished Business.
A Song  To Sing Along To - Queen - Don't Stop Me Now, I Want To Break Free, Bohemian Rhapsody. Guns N Roses - Sweet Child O Mine. The Raconteurs - Rich Kids Blues.

25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Because the hospital intervened and put me in a coma to take over my breathing and make me better. Because the police put me on a 136 stopping me from carrying out anything.

26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

All you need to do is read through a few entries on here and you will see that there has been many times, times I have tried and why. I am trying to distract myself so I am not about to go into it again as it will make me feel worse.

27) What’s the best thing going for you right now?

There's not a lot really. Well, not that I can see. Hopefully the fact that I may be able to continue with my masters. But I am not seeing that as very likely as I can't see any of my mental health team saying I am fit for practice. But, I need to try and be optimistic. If I am able to go back, I hope that I will pass my course and finally be able to get a meaningful job.

28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well, if I got someone else pregnant I would submit myself to medical research and hope I get paid a fortune for it. If it was me. I don't know what I would do. I wouldn't be able to bring my self to terminate and I wouldn't give the baby up for adoption. I would be gutted but I would strive to be the best mother I could be. I really am not in the right space to have kids at the moment. But, I would ensure that I try my hardest and not fill them with the faults I have.

29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I am really unhappy with my weight. I have no self confidence and I generally feel really shit about myself. I am trying to follow a healthy eating plan at the moment and so far it says I have lost around 7lbs. I would also like to hope that this new therapy will help me to feel better about myself. But that I think it going to be quite long term.

30)  A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

You are friendly and you will go out of your way to help people putting others needs before your own. You try to be the best friend you can, although this is not always possible when you are feeling crap, but you do try and make up for it. You're best quality would probably be that you strive to help other people before yourself and you care a lot for others. When others are getting stressed and panicky around you, you can remain calm and together. Well, you give that appearance. You don't like other people to see your negative emotions as you don't believe they are useful for anyone to see and this can help others when they are stressed etc. You are quite good under pressure and remain calm and focused.

And that's it folks.

Doing these has been a quite good distraction so probably expect more drivel like it while I am going through shit.

Some Truths...A Bit Of A Half Fun Distraction...

I found this 30days of truth website. I am special and so am not going to do it over 30 days but see what I can get done now and then maybe in a couple more posts.

So here I go...

1) Something you hate about yourself.

I could probably go on quite a bit about this. But the two main things are my weight and how I can't seem to do anything about it. I have tried losing weight and I have a good diet. I don't snack and I eat a lot of fruit and veg and low fat/calorie meals. But no matter what I do I can't seem to shift more than a few pounds.

The other thing I hate would be the fact that I have mental health problems. I hate being like this. I hate the fact that I started self harming as that has escalated in to quite serious stuff. I hate the lows and feeling suicidal. I generally just hate myself. I know I need to learn to love myself again, at least have some self respect. But, I don't really know how to go about it.

2) Something you love about yourself.

I wouldn't say I love anything about myself. There are some things that I like though. I like my eyes. They are big and bright blue. I like how I don't hold a grudge against anyone. I can't be in a mood with someone for very long at all. I can't stand being horrible to people, even if they deserve it. I am always really quick to forgive.

3) Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I will never forgive myself for taking the money when I was 13. You may say, well you were a child. But, I knew what I was doing. I knew right from wrong and I was wrong doing it. It was more than half my life ago, yet I still hate it and feel such shame from it. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for it

4) Something you have to forgive someone for.

I haven't been wronged or anything that warrants forgiveness recently so I don't think there is anyone that I need to forgive. As I said before, I don't hold grudges and am quick to forgive. I tend to get over things quite quickly.

5) Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to qualify as a social worker and work in mental health. I hope one day I can go on to do my AMHP training. It's not looking likely at the moment as this is the final chance I have of going back to uni and uni want a letter from my psychologist stating I am fit to return. I don't think I am at the moment, yet she wants to meet in the next couple of weeks and get the ball rolling. If I was in the psychologists position there would be no way I would be saying I was fir for practice. It's only a few weeks since I nearly died and I am still self harming etc. So how the hell he will be able to say I am fit for practice, I don't know.

6) Something you hope you never have to do.

There's lot of things I wouldn't like to do. But I can't think of the worst thing. I think perhaps losing a child. Going through that must be the worst thing in the world.

7) Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I would like to say my nephews here. They are 4 and 2 and I love them loads. But, even that didn't stop me from landing in hospital and nearly dying. I do love them so much. But the way I see it is if I do something now, they will have very few, if none at all memories of me. So they will never know what they have lost. And really, I am not exactly the best Aunty ever.

8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Erm... not sure on this. I was bullied when I was a kid but it was nothing major. But there were days where I came home from school in tears and hid out in my room for ages. There was also the time spent on the out of city PICU where Fingers was involved in my care. He talked to me like shit and provoked me on many occasions, one time I couldn't control it after he pushed me over so I kicked him in the balls.

9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I don't think there is anyone that I wish was in my life but are no longer in my life because we drifted a part. There are a couple of people who have moved away and we just don't have any contact any more, who at one time we were quite close, but now we are not. The way I see it if they were meant to have been that good a friend you wouldn't have drifted.

10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

There doesn't seem to be anyone here. Well, maybe. I had a look through old pics of my ex and me the other night and started to cry. I would like to be friends with him again. Just friends as I know it wouldn't work in a relationship, and I have too much pride to go back there. But, maybe I should just be able to let him go.

11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

People do say I am an attractive/intelligent girl. Although this annoys me when it is said when I am in crisis or something as it would seem as being an attractive/intelligent girl you should not be having mental health problems. Even the police said it to me the other day. They don't know me, they had only seen me while drunk and looking a mess so how they could infer I was intelligent, who knows. I don't even think I am intelligent. I am just pretty average. When people say this to me in a way that is you are an attractive young girl who is intelligent, what have you got mental health problems for. I kind of go a bit mad at them.

12) Something you never get compliments on.

Being skinny. Lol.

13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

There are quite a few here.

The White Lies as you can just feel the passion in the music and you can feel it.
The Killers as it makes me happier when I can sing a long really loud. I have seen them live a couple of times in the last few months and had an amazing time. So when I need a little lift I put it on really loud and sing along and am reminded of the great fun I had at the concert.
My Chemical Romance for when I am angry. It's quite angry music and listening to it really loud helps release some of my frustrations and calms me down.
I also love the Raconteurs, Queen, The White Stripes, ohhh and so many more. I love music. Music is my life.

14) A hero that has let you down.

I wouldn't say a hero. But I would say I feel let down by my brother and how we have drifted a part since I was in hospital. We used to be really close, but not any more. We never text each other or even see each other. When I was in hospital for a year, he came to see me about 3 times. I know it may have been hard for him but I could have done with his support. So yeah, I feel let down by him.

15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without.

This would be music. Music is there for when I feel sad, when I feel happy, when I am angry, when I am drunk, when I want to kill myself, when I want to self harm, when I want to have fun basically my life is my music.

And there are 15 more but I can't be bothered to do any right now. I shall return to it maybe tomorrow.

Plan For Tonight

Really feeling so anxious and don't really know what to do with myself.

So I have a bit of a plan. Try and last out until 9pm. If I still feel the same I am going to go for a drive with some really loud music. Try and blast it out of me.

If that doesn't make me feel any better then I am going to have a couple of drinks. I didn't sleep last night and I need something to help.

I don't really feel like calling Crisis Team as last time they made me so angry. I am not going to call and be told I will feel better if I eat an apple and a banana. What is the point in calling and being told useless stuff that will just make me feel worse.

I don't know how I am getting through at the moment and that I haven't done anything more serious than cutting and swallowing. I am scared I am going to end up back in hospital.

I feel positive about this new therapy. Well, I don't actually. But, it seems more suited to me and think it could have a chance at working. It's going to be hard work. But there could be some light at the end of the tunnel with this.

This could be the not living like this anymore. This could see me not wanting to die. But at the moment it is all I think about. I have to try and fight it as this therapy could see things change.

CPN Visit

Had a home visit this morning. We talked a bit about the last week or so and my attendance at the ED on Sunday night. She was trying to make me see the positives of it. She was saying how although I did end up in the ED it could have been worse if the ambulance and police weren't called as I could have done something which would have killed me or landed me in hospital for a lot longer than a couple of hours. So even though it was an awful experience, she said it could have been worse and that in the police and ambulance being involved there were some positives as I wasn't putting myself in immediate danger.

She was saying it's quite hard as we have different views on what is the best outcomes for me. She said it seems as though my main focus and if I call services is to do something that will make me feel better. Their focus is while they want me to feel better their main focus is keeping me safe and that I don't really seem to bother about this as I just want to feel better. In other words I am not bothered about my own safety. I've never thought about it like that before and I suppose she is right. I will do anything to feel better, even if it's just temporary and this can involve something like self harming or worse, to make it permanently better.

I told her about being told to eat an apple and a banana and that I will feel better. She did say she didn't know where he was coming from when he said this and could imagine it was pretty useless advice. I told her it made me furious.

So then we talked about my last psychology session. I said I wasn't really told much about why the DBT wouldn't be suitable and she said that from the assessment it highlighted just how much I avoid things. Not just with other people but with myself and that I will avoid thinking about things that are hard. She said how this obviously wasn't working and that it needed to change. So that is why Schema Therapy has been suggested as it will work on why I do that.

I raised my concerns with her about how I thought it placed too much emphasis on childhood and that I thought my upbringing was pretty normal. And she basically said that's not what you have told me or the psychologist. She said it is not normal how after nearly dying it is not even discussed with your mother. I told her that was the way I wanted it. She said there were other things as well. So, it seems as though my perception of what is normal probably isn't normal after all. I also said to her I was really worried I was going to change my perception on things and this could lead to me feeling differently about my whole life and I was scared about that. She said that that was pretty normal and that my psychologist would be aware that this is a normal feeling and work through things gently and help me overcome these feelings so that I am not bothered by them. That has kind of put my mind at ease a bit over it. But I am really scared about how it is going to make me feel doing this. I mean, I am probably going to be told what I thought was normal and acceptable and the whole basis of my life isn't normal or acceptable. How do you deal with something like that?

On the way out she spotted the empty vodka bottles. I had meant to take the recycling out before she came and hide them under a load of papers in the bins so the neighbours couldn't see (shared bins), but I forgot. So there they were in plain view on the side. I had opened the door for her and she saw them. She told me to close the door a minute and asked me if I had been drinking. I could hardly lie when the evidence of the empty bottles was in right in front of her. So I admitted it. She said how I should be aware that it can make me worse in terms of impulsiveness and she asked how much I had been self harming. I down played it a bit and didn't tell her about the swallowing stuff nearly every day but said I last cut on Sunday afternoon. The drinking wouldn't be a problem if I could stop after say half a bottle of vodka. But no, once it's open I have to finish it and get myself in to a comatose state. I do like the feeling of being drunk, and it helps with my sleep. But I know I get to the point where I think blow it, fuck it all and just drink until I pass out. I am trying to lose weight at the moment through weight watchers and there are a lot of points in alcohol. It's the only reason I haven't drank more. I would be drinking probably every night if I weren't trying to lose weight. I didn't tell her this though.

That's about it really.

Psychologist next Thursday. Not looking forward to that as I am sure he will be having a go at me for getting drunk. I know I shouldn't and I know I should be avoiding it but I do it anyway. I must be so frustrating. I'd hate me if I was them. I am the worst type of patient. I know what I should be doing but I don't do it.

Selfish Bitch

It's what I am. I know self medicating with a bottle of vodka isn't the brightest of ideas. But, it seems to numb the pain slightly. I can get so pissed I can sleep for a few hours and block everything out.

Last night I tried to kill myself again. Not in my usual style. I tried jumping in front of a bus but it moved out the way and then some lad dragged me to the side of the road. How selfish am I getting other people wrapped up in my misery. I am a driver and I would never forgive myself if I killed someone by knocking them down. I would keep thinking that there should have been something I could have done. So why would I do that to someone else. Because I am a selfish bitch. It's the only explanation.

My CPN called me yesterday as she has been made aware of what has been going on. I tried calling her back but she then wasn't at her desk. I couldn't keep trying as I was spending some time with my Dad as he is going away for about 3 weeks to cycle from Land's End to John O'Groats for charity. So I wanted to be with him as I won't see him for a while. And, I needed to make sure he wouldn't worry about me so I was putting on a front.

I'm not going to tell them about last night. They already know too much as I was assessed by DPM the other day, so they will know that the police were involved etc.

I was lucky that I wasn't placed on a 136 last night. If they had seen me or that lad have called them I would have been. Not what I need at the moment. I am really sorry about my behaviour. I can't believe I was so selfish to put someone in that position. And I wasn't very pleasant to him either. I am such a selfish bitch.

A Lie

It's all a lie.

I don't have majorly low moods. I don't go higher every now and then. I don't see things that aren't real come to life. The cutting is just to get attention. It's obviously some kind of Munchhausen's Syndrome. I make it all up. I need the attention. It's got to be that hasn't it.

Well, that's what I think they think. Could they be right and as someone has said before, it's all just a fucked up fantasy. I was never sectioned. I didn't spend over 8 months on a PICU and basically a year on a section. I have never taken overdoses to kill me that landed me in ITU on a ventilator. It's all in my head. It's not real.

Oh, how I wish this was the case.

Times Like This

It's when things are like this and I actually think if sending me to a secure unit, like they wanted to, would have been best for me.

I can't keep myself safe. I can't look after myself. At the moment my thing is Vodka. I am drinking to release myself from the feelings. But, in all honesty that doesn't work either.

On June 22nd 2012 I had an assessment with some people from a low secure unit. But I paid lip service. I told them what they wanted to hear and it stopped me from going there. My Psychologist has said since he has wondered if it was for the best as it would stop him being so worried about me. I think he had quite a bit to do with me not going there as well. Well, he was the person I was talking to in so much detail about things. I knew for months that this assessment was going to happen. It was about February time that they said they were referring me. So, I suppose I down played everything. Yes, I told them I was having urges. But I suppose I was only half honest with them. I knew what they wanted to hear, and I said it. I knew they wanted to admit I had problems, but I told them I was aware of them and that I knew the triggers and I knew how to deal with them before they turned in to full blown problems.

But now I am wondering if I had have gone to one, where would I be now. I would have been forced to do a lot of things I didn't want to, but maybe that would have helped. Would it have helped. I don't think the staff on that PICU wanted to send me somewhere like that. But then what they say to you and what they actually think is a different matter.

I don't want to go back in to hospital. But you know what is making me say that. It's my flat. I love my flat. I love living on my own. I love how homely I have it. It's comfortable. I just love it. I sit looking at the fireplace and it's amazing. A big feature fireplace. It's got loads of character. If I was living with my parents I probably would concede and go back in. But I have more motivation to stay out now. I keep thinking if I am away for more than 30days I am not insured. If I am away for more than 30 days I won't have the housing benefit paid. So if I go back in, I will lose my home. A home that I love.

A while a go my Psychologist mentioned a long term place he thought I should consider. It is for people with problems similar to mine. You are not under section but there are strict rules and procedures that you have to follow. Typical length of stay is 12 months. But, I can't go there. Anyway, it's mostly DBT based and now they are saying that that isn't suitable. So that is out. Maybe, well it probably is at the moment that I feel I need someone to take over all care of me as it is pretty obvious I can't do it for myself. That's a schema there. Something to work on!

So today I had to go for blood tests to check out my hormone levels and thyroid function. I have only one memory of meeting the nurse I saw, but as soon as I walked in she was like "wow, you change your hair every time I see you". I am sure I only saw her November time for a wound check. I was getting really anxious about the blood tests as since I was in hospital I really have a thing about people jabbing me with needles. Weird considering I blood let for so long, and the amount of OD's and hospital admissions. But yeah, I was freaking. I have really shit veins and they can't usually get anything from me. But I was so surprised she managed to get a vein first time and I hardly felt a thing. Any future tests I am going back to her. She was lovely.

Tonight is the first night I take the Lamotrigine. There are some pretty serious side effects to it, which include a rash that can actually kill you. In some ways I hope I get it. That will make it a lot easier for me. Although, saying that, it's a pretty ugly rash. Blistering etc, so if it doesn't kill you it could leave you scarred. I do have a lot of scars already. It is something that I hate and makes me feel so ugly. I already have massive body conscious issues so the scars don't help. But, they can all be covered by long sleeve tops and long trousers. But this rash could be on my face and visible. So I have a lot of scars, I am overweight and disgusting, but I am still quite vain. I think it's one of the reasons why the fact I nearly had a tracheostomy really got to me as that would have been a visible scar.

Downstairs seem to be at it again with people over and generally being noisy. It makes me really anxious as it could lead to screaming and shouting which really gets to me. It may not as well, but there is that potential. So I sit there all anxious waiting for it to happen. I know I am such a pessimistic. Psychologist has told me off for it as have my friends. But the way I see it, I have less chance of being hurt if I expect it.

Ok, the screaming has now started. Grrrr.

Hospital

I had a nightmare night.

I called crisis team at about 2am. I was really struggling. I didn't know what to do. The guy I spoke to was useless. He actually told me to have an apple and a banana and I would feel better. I mean, seriously???? Crisis Team don't work nights it goes through to the 136 suite. So the guy I spoke to was a qualified mental health nurse. You would have thought he could come up with better advice than that.

So I called NHS Direct for some advice as I didn't know what to do. They got an out of hours GP to call me back and he panicked and called the police and an ambulance. They all came storming in and dragged me from my bed. I said I didn't want to go with them but they forced me.

I can't remember the journey to hospital but the next thing I know I am being restrained by the police on the bed. I really didn't want to be there. They were threatening me with placing me on a 136 and I kind of lost it. Not the best behaviour to be showing when you don't want to be sectioned. They put leg restraints on. The male police officer was horrible. He grabbed me by the neck and I actually thought he was going to strangle me. He was so over the top. He had a massive attitude problem and he really hurt me. But, there is no point complaining as I don't know who he was and it would be my word against his and being as though I was drunk I would never be believed.

I had a little nap and when I woke up there was no one around. So I walked out the department. I walked all through the hospital up to the main entrance, got some cash out and got in a cab. As the cab was about to pull off two different police officers came up saying they were looking for me and could I go with them back to the ED as I was reported as missing and they needed the department of psychological medicine to assess me. They said if I didn't go with them they would put me on a 136.

I'd seen them while I was on my way out and managed to avoid them. How they spotted me in the cab I don't know. I walked right past them and they didn't do anything and then they got me in the cab. I said this to them and they thought it was funny how I had managed to walk straight past them. How they knew it was me I don't know.

So back in the ED they said my pulse was racing and that I needed to stay in on one of the wards. I told them there was no way I was staying in. So the nurse went off to speak to the consultant and they said they needed me to stay but they couldn't force me. Then a security guard was placed outside my cubicle saying I was on red alert and needed to make sure I wouldn't do a runner again. So I had 2 police escorts and a security guard. What a waste of resources for me. I feel awful. I was then taken to an interview room and the DPM came in to assess me. She didn't really have much to say. She went and spoke to crisis team and arranged for the duty worker from my team to call me back.

So, they called at about 2pm and she didn't really have much to say.

I don't feel any better and I am reaching the end of my tether. As the guy from crisis team said yesterday was that it was looking as though could be heading towards hospital again as he can see that I am going through the same pattern again. I don't want to go to hospital. I don't find it helpful. And, my neighbour works on the wards as a student doctor on placement there and that would be truly awful.

So, I don't really know what to do. Maybe an apple and a banana will help. I've only had the apple today so maybe if I have a banana too I will be magically cured.

I Forgot...

Something else. Crisis team worker asked me if I thought I needed to be in hospital. He said he thought I was heading there again. He said he had heard me like this before and had lead to my admission. He asked if I thought it was helpful. I said sometimes but if I was honest unless I was forced I wouldn't go as it can be more unhelpful than helpful sometimes. And I don't want to risk putting myself in the position where it is more unhelpful and makes me worse. If that happens it usually leads to being sectioned.

But I am now worried.

They know that I may have taken a small OD. Nothing huge, just a few pills. I mean, I am not even sure if I did. But I can see a phone call coming from my CPN on Tuesday when she is in again. I wish I hadn't said anything as I can foresee that the shit is going to hit the fan over this. I've not told them about the swallowing stuff. I can't talk about that with them as I feel my confidentiality will be broken and I will be forced in to doing things that I don't want to do and that will put me under extra stress that can be avoided and is not warranted.

Shit.

That's basically summing up how I feel today.

I called crisis team last night but because it was so late there was nothing that they could do. So it was basically carry on trying to distract your self and we will call you tomorrow.

So they called me at about 12ish and was someone who I have seen a few times. Had a tough night last night with the neighbours having a party, blasting their awful gangster rap music out at 2am. At first I thought it was downstairs and was all ready to call the police on him knowing that it goes on hours and usually escalates. And the police told me to call them if he was being noisy. But as I went out for a cig I discovered it was actually upstairs and they seemed to be having a party and had the windows open. While I wouldn't usually hear them as they are not above my flat, because the windows were open it was blaring out in to the courtyard and as my bedroom is on the courtyard I could hear it all. While it was making me really anxious and I was annoyed by it, it is not something that has happened before so I didn't want to say anything about it. But it stopped me sleeping until about 6ish because it was making me so anxious. But I wasn't going to complain and spoil their fun night which they have never had before and I knew it was me being over sensitive to it. So I tried to let it go.

So we had a bit of a conversation about what was going off for me and she just said take it easy today, don't do any uni work and just try and chill out in front of the TV. But to call back later if I needed them. Come 6ish I was really struggling and had already self harmed by swallowing again. So I decided to call them back again. This time I spoke to someone who wasn't on the team who I usually see but he was someone I had seen before and had dealings with. He was the one who contacted the police on me back in August 2011 and was there on the assessment the first time I was sectioned. I spoke to him about how I was feeling and said the urges were so intense that no matter what I did I couldn't control them. I explained how they moved from self harm to suicidal because I was so sick of how I was feeling and that I couldn't contain the urges and I get to the stage where I feel as though what is the point. I can recognise that the feeling is more of I don't want to live like this. And there is only one easy way out for me. So that's why I called really. Because I thought the extra input may help. He has the most stupid hair. I don't know how he expects anyone to take him seriously. It's like the 90's threw up on him. Really obvious blonde tips. Oh dear.

So he said he would contact the duty doctor and see about getting me some PRN medication. He called me back about half an hour later and said he would come round then with some Diazepam. So he brought me 3x5mg Diazepam.

I took one as soon as he left and it has done sweet FA.

I know what I have done is probably quite stupid, but I need to be knocked out tonight to get through the night. I can't face another night of no sleep, laying there ruminating and not being able to distract myself. So what have I done? I have gone and brought a bottle of vodka from the shop. I don't plan on drinking all of it, just a few to hopefully react with the Diazepam and knock me out so I can get some decent sleep. I know I probably shouldn't self medicate, but it is the only thing I can see helping me tonight.

I don't know what else I could do which would actually be of any benefit to me at the moment.

Letter To My Psychologist.

How does this sound? I don't want to seem as though I am writing it off and being negative.

Psychologist,

I've managed to read quite a bit about schema therapy and feel quite positive about it. I think it would be a lot more suitable to me than DBT.

From reading articles on it and looking at the questionnaire I think it's pretty obvious that there are a few maladaptive schemas. But, I do have a couple of concerns about it.

It seems as though it places a huge emphasis on childhood and childhood negative experiences. A couple of things are that of failure. While I do have feelings that I am inadequate compared to my peers and that I don't match up to them this is not as what researchers would say. In that I wasn't given enough support, was expected to fail, was treated as stupid or never taught discipline. The same goes for the dependence/incompetence schema. I do rely on others before making a decision and their opinions do greatly influence the decision I make. But this is not my parents didn't encourage me to act independently or develop confidence in my ability to care of myself. These are just a couple of a few.

Because a big emphasis is placed on childhood, which I don't really see to be an issue, I am worried it is going to make problems out of nothing.

I've also read that the success of it is strongly related to the duration and intensity of it. So, I suppose I am questioning the likelihood of it being effective. One study I read compared SFT to TFP and showed only 45% full recovery and 70% improvement and this was based on 2 sessions a week over 3 years. Also that it can take up to a year to notice any benefits at all.

However, even with these concerns, I think I would like to give it  good go as it does seem a lot more suited to me.

Cheers

GP.

Please give me some input on this before I send it. It doesn't sound too negative and that I am finding faults before I have even given it a go? I do want to do it, I just have concerns.

Therapy and The Police.

Well. Feeling shit. Feeling ashamed. I don't really know what happened.

Will start with the psychology session first.

We talked mainly about the other night when I started self harming and stopped by leaving the flat. He said it was really positive that I managed to stop but he was concerned I was putting myself in a risky situation and there could have been some replacement going on. By this I mean that I was replacing the feelings of self harming by feeling a rush of being in a potentially dangerous situation. He likened this to me swallowing something as while it may not do something there is the potential for it to do something. While it wasn't intentional, I think he does have a point about what I did.

We went through everything that had happened that day. Even to the little details of what I had had for lunch and dinner. Even though it was only two days before I had trouble remembering what I had done that day. We talked about how I had been to the doctors. I didn't talk about why I had went but I said how I was a bit annoyed as it wasn't because of the letter from the psychiatrist about medication, but just because she wanted to see me to see how I was doing. And, that I didn't get any answers to the things I wanted to discuss with her. Those being that I haven't had a period in 2 months, that my voice has still not returned after being on the ventilator, that my hair is falling out and I have a bald patch and that one pupil is dilated all the time while the other is normal. She couldn't tell me anything or give me any possible reasons for why I seem to be falling a part. All I have been referred for is blood tests to check hormone levels and my thyroid function (in some ways I am hoping it is under active as would be a reason why I am so over weight and I can't seem to lose weight even though I don't eat crap etc, at least treatment for it would help me lose weight).

We then went on to talk about the visit from my OT and what we had discussed. So queue me getting quite emotional about uni and the possibility of not being able to go back. I said I feel as though I have had so many obstacles to jump over about being there. Like in my first year when the counsellor I was seeing raised concerns about my fitness to practice and I had to inform uni about my mental health problems and I was convinced that they wouldn't let me continue. Then when I was in hospital the first time and I had to inform them I was in hospital and they said I would have to defer for a year. Then when I was in hospital the second time and I had to tell them I was in again and had been about 6 months on a PICU. As well as the time I broke my ankle and had to finish placement early and miss days of it. I missed the first couple of days of placement because I was in hospital with an infection in a self inflicted wound. I missed the induction week at uni as I was in hospital after an overdose. I really don't have a great track record. As I was talking about it I got a bit upset. I didn't start crying or anything but thinking about the future and the possibility of not doing what I want to do because of illness really does upset me. I told him how I felt as though I was waiting for my life to start. I explained how I was 30 next year. And I have nothing to show for it. I have nothing of what I expected to have by now. Not married, no career, no job, no family, no own home and not even close to anything, except I could possibly have a career if things go the way in which I want them to go.

He asked how much I had thought about it since and I said I try not to think about it as I don't want to face any possible negative consequences. He said he will meet with the course director for me and wants me to go a long. I'd rather not be there actually. I hate being discussed while I am there. I do think he would try to be positive for me, but even still. I would really prefer it if I wasn't there. He gave me his email address and told me to email the course director and copy him in so we could sort something out. I really appreciate his help with everything and feel he is going beyond his duty for me with this. I will be sad to stop seeing him when we come to the end of the treatment. He asked me if I had done anything on my dissertation. I said I hadn't as was worried about putting in lots of effort in to it to only be told I won't be able to continue with the course. He got a bit annoyed with me and said something along the lines of "for fucks sake, buck up". I don't mind him being like that. It makes him more human and in a way shows he does care. He said he was probably being unprofessional, I said I didn't really care if he swears etc. I suppose if you didn't care about a person you wouldn't get pissed off with them would you?

So he said I needed to start working on my dissertation as that will go in my favour when looking at going back to uni. It shows I am committed and making an effort. If I am told I can't go back but haven't done anything to show that I am moving forward I will feel a lot worse than if I have done something and put my efforts in to showing them I can move on from this. He said if the latter happens at least I will be able to feel I have done everything I can and that I will be right to place some blame outside myself. Where as if I don't do anything all I'll be able to blame is myself, thus feeling a lot worse. I told him how I had never thought about it like that before and it has now motivated to actually start doing some research.

We didn't really go into reasons about why the DBT wouldn't work for me at the moment or anything about the assessment. We did spend most our time talking about Tuesday and what happened to lead me to self harm etc. But he did say I could try Schema Therapy. So we talked about what schemas were and a bit about the therapy, but not much. He gave me a questionnaire to take home and send back to him in the post. From doing the questionnaire it is pretty obvious I have maladaptive schemas and can see that the therapy would be much better for me than DBT. I did quite a bit of reading on it and have read psychiatric and psychological journals on it, and I must say I am feeling quite positive about it. But, I do have some concerns about it I need to raise...

Firstly that when comparing SFT to TFP there was only a 45% recovery in patients using the SFT. The TFP was even lower. However, it did show improvements in 70% of people. Still not great numbers but well. However, these figures were based on 2 sessions a week over 3 years. And it also says that success is strongly related to the duration and intensity of the therapy. I am assuming that we are not going to be meeting that regularly or for that much longer, so realistically how likely is it to have a positive impact on me?

It can take up to a year to notice benefits. Again the question about intensity and duration comes in because at the moment I see him once a fortnight for an hour. So is it going to have any impact at all.

Secondly, it seems a bit Freudian to me and places a massive impact on childhood. I had a pretty normal childhood with no major dramas or upheavals. My parents were pretty normal and nurturing. And while I can see that I do have maladaptive schemas I don't think that these are a result of negative experiences that happened as a child. So I am worried I am going to make problems out of something that was never a problem. For example one of the areas that I have highlighted where there is a maladaptive schema is in failure. I do have strong feelings that I am inadequate to others and don't match up to them. But this is not as the theory states that I wasn't given enough support/ was expected to fail/ was treated as stupid and never taught discipline.

It also involves things like role play. I hate role play and get so embarrassed that it is of no use to me.
So there are a few concerns I have, but I am willing to do this and can see that even just by doing the questionnaire that I definitely have negative maladaptive schemas. So I think it could help.

That's about it for the psychology session...

So, then what happened. I was ok. I was feeling ok. I really fancied some wine so at about 9pm I went down to the shop and brought a bottle of wine. Fine. But after I had finished that I wanted more. So what did I do. I ordered a bottle of vodka online and that was delivered. This is where it all went wrong. I was only going to have a couple. But I didn't. I don't really know what happened, I remember tears. But the next morning I woke up in bed fully clothed to hammering on my front door. It was the police. I ignored them as I couldn't face them. But then I had about 5 missed calls from a private number. So I answered the phone and it was the sergeant. He said he knew I was in and ignoring the officers who had come round. I told him I was fine and he said they were concerned I had taken an overdose and they needed to check on me. I told him I didn't want anyone coming round and that I was fine and all I wanted to do was sleep. After about 15 minutes on the phone to him I thought I had convinced him and he said ok. But then I get another phone call about 10 minutes later from the police man who came round the other week to check on me and who had also been the one to find me when I ended up in hospital for 2 weeks nearly dying. He said I was lucky he was on shift as if he hadn't have been there I would have had the police back again and forcing entry as they knew I was in and just not answering the door. I told him I was fine and that no one needed to come round. I tried all I could to convince him I was ok and just needed to sleep. He asked how I was feeling and how I had been since I saw him last and I told him that things had not been good. He gave me the option of him coming round then or having a number of them coming back, forcing entry and carting me off on a 136. Not much choice there. He told me I couldn't ignore them and he was giving me the choice. Not much of one was there.

So he rocks up about 20minutes later with his partner. I am in a right mess. I feel like crap both physically and mentally. The female asks if she can look around and go through my bins as he said he is not convinced I haven't done anything. And to be honest neither was I. But I didn't tell him that. The female officer came back with a bag of meds and in it there were empty packets. I can't remember taking them, maybe I popped them and flushed them, I have done that before. But then why was there still numerous unpopped ones. I didn't want to say I was unsure as that would have resulted in them having to call an ambulance and I really didn't want that. It was obvious I wasn't feeling well and he said he would be happier if he called an ambulance and got them to check me out. But I told him I was fine. I said that they were old packets and that I hadn't taken anything. He kept saying how he wasn't happy to leave me and could they take me somewhere to be with someone. I said not as all I wanted to do was get back in to bed and sleep until I felt a bit better. If I am honest while they were there I was having all these thought about self harming and taking an OD and I didn't really want them to go. But they aren't babysitters. So I didn't say anything.

I really don't know how and why they came round. I have looked through my phone and there are no calls or texts to anyone. I didn't write about it. Nothing. I don't know if I did take anything, but if I did at the most it would have been about 20 pills. So that won't have caused any major damage. And I feel fine now.

I feel so awful about it all. I don't get where it came from. I was stupid for ordering that vodka. Vodka doesn't agree with me. Especially not when I have drunk a bottle of wine and then that is followed by a whole large bottle of vodka. No wonder I felt like shit.  Well, I say I don't know where it came from, it's been no secret things are not going well and I am struggling with everything at the moment. Also, I did self harm on Wednesday night by swallowing a nail. It came from no where. Ok, there were small urges but I was dealing with them. I was managing. But then I walked past it and saw it and then I just picked it up and swallowed it. No planning, all impulsiveness. But, of course I didn't talk about this with the psychologist as that would have meant a trip to the hospital and a possible admission. Not what I want or need.

That's about it really. So things have taken a turn for the worse in a way. And, now I have swallowed and not been worried about the consequences it will probably happen again. I am having massive urges to as well which I am really struggling with. I did think about calling crisis team as I am still open to them and have been told if I need a visit I am to call them. I don't see my CPN until Friday. So maybe the extra support would help. But I don't know what to say to them. I don't want to tell them I could have possibly OD'd, or that I got so drunk I don't know what happened, or that I did swallow something. But I could do with the help. But I am too ashamed to ask for it. I don't know what to do really. Help.

Horrible Night.

Last night was awful. I was really struggling with the urges to do something. I am not really sure why I was getting them last night. It is not as though anything was going on. Well, nothing I can account for that would make me feel that way. It was pretty intense.

I was sat around watching TV and trying to distract myself. I even wrote a pros and cons list about self-harming. I kept going over it trying to drum the cons in to my head. But it didn't really work. About 12ish I couldn't stand it anymore and I went in to my bathroom and broke up a razor. I sat there a while with it and started on my legs. Then I got this rush of feelings of that I couldn't do it. So I tried to swallow the razor. But I gagged on it and ended up throwing it up. I then had this feeling that I just had to get out of there and get out the flat so I wasn't around things that I could self harm with. So at about 1am I went for a walk. A bit stupid really. It's not exactly safe to be walking around inner city areas when you're female and on your own late at night. The area I live is mainly students but it is quite close to the scratty areas that are full of drug dealers and people high on drugs, where a lot of unsavoury characters live.

I was walking around for about an hour, and became quite paranoid that something was going to happen and my anxiety levels rose. But not in a I want to self harm way. It did take the focus away but I was quite concerned something worse would happen to me. I was getting paranoid that someone was following me. In particular my downstairs neighbour who was out for revenge at me calling the police on him and getting him arrested. So I started making my way back home. As I was walking home I had a taxi driver stop and ask me if I was ok and if I needed a lift. Don't know whether or not this was out of concern or something worse. In my paranoid state I was thinking something worse and I just muttered I was ok and was nearly at home, but thanks for his concern. I wasn't going to be getting in his car. Then not long after the police stopped and asked me if I was ok and told me I shouldn't be walking around on my own late at night and they asked if they could take me home. I don't know why, but I was wary of them as well. I had a couple of things in my head. The first being that they weren't real police. I can see this as being silly now as they were in uniforms and in a police car. A lot of effort to go to to impersonate a police officer. And it was a bloke and a woman. So even more unlikely, well in my mind. But then the other thing that was going through my mind was that if I went with them they were going to make me go to the hospital etc etc etc. So I just said I only lived a couple of minutes away, I had just lit a cigarette and that I wanted to finish it and by the time I had, I would be home.

I do find it quite odd they had stopped, as it's never happened before unless they have been after me (when reports have been made that my safety is in question) or I have been too drunk to walk in a straight line. But, neither of those were happening last night.

So I got home and made my self a cup of tea. I smoked a couple more cigarettes. By about 3am the urges and anxiety had decreased. So I went to lie in bed. I didn't get to sleep straight away it did take a couple of hours, but I did manage to get some sleep.

I suppose there are some positives and some negatives to last night. I managed not to seriously self harm. But in managing that I put my self in a possibly dangerous situation. So I am not sure if it's a good thing or not.

I had a visit from my OT worker yesterday. She says I need to think about what I want to do if I am not able to go back to university in September. It seems as though it's a possibility I won't be. When I saw the doctor he said he wouldn't be recommending that I went back as he doesn't want me to be in any situation that may involve putting me under stress as he doesn't feel I would deal with it very well. And then when I saw my CPN the other week she said I needed to do the DBT if I wanted to go back as that would be the only thing that helps and I've been turned down for that as they are now saying they don't think it would work for me.

The OT worker was a bit puzzled by the assessment. Seems my CPN has been in contact with her about it (I hate that they are discussing me without me knowing, but at the same time I wouldn't want to be there while they do it either - it's a no win situation for me). There has been a bit of confusion over the questionnaire I filled in. I filled it in honestly and was very truthful with it. From the questionnaire it seems as though (not her words) but I come across as a nice normal person. Well, more that it didn't show that I had BPD. And as I say, I don't think I do. Traits of it, yes, but not a full blown diagnosis. So, they are a bit puzzled. Or more they think I wasn't honest and knew what they are looking for and filled it out in how I would think a normal person would. But, I wasn't. I was honest.

I am seeing my Psychologist tomorrow, so I am hoping he will give me a debrief on it, and tell me what he thinks. I am feeling quite nervous about the appointment as I have a feeling that they think I wasn't being honest and was filling it out and answering their questions as though I was answering with a knowledge of what they were looking for. While I do have an idea of what they are looking for (I have done enough reading around DBT and what it does to know), I wasn't answering with that in mind. While I wasn't sure if it was for me, I did keep an open mind and went in wanting to be proven wrong. I have been told so many times that this is the therapy for me and that if I want things to change then I should do it. And they are now saying no.

Back on to the uni stuff though. I can't even think about not going back in September. I know I am putting all my eggs in to one basket again like I have done in the past. But there is nothing else that I want to do. I want to be a social worker. I want to be a mental health social worker. An AMHP.

I am 30 next year. I am getting old. I remember thinking was I was about 20 that 30 was old. I'd say things like "when I am old, like when I am 30". And I have nothing I set out to do. I am single too afraid to get close to anyone as I am scared of getting hurt when they find out about my being not so sane. I have only just moved out of my parents home in to a rented flat in Studentville. I don't have kids yet. I don't have a decent job and never have done. I always thought by now I would be in a career, be married, have kids and live in my own house. I have none of that. That's one of the reasons it is so important for me to go back. I need to get this qualification. I need to make something of myself. I need for my life to actually begin. If I haven't got the balls to actually go through with killing myself which, yes, it's still what I want. I would rather be dead than living through this shit. I need to make something of myself. Be someone. Make a difference. Be there for other people while they are going through shit and help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I had a light at the end of my tunnel.

Struggling Tonight.

I'm really struggling with the urges tonight. It's overwhelming and so powerful.

I thought I would try and write a pros and cons list about self harming to see if that helps. It's a bit of distraction.

Pros -

- It gives me a high and a rush of euphoric feelings.
- It is a release which brings relief and calms anxiety.
- It can make me feel better.
- I can see how much pain I can inflict on myself.
- It releases frustration.
- I will get a buzz from doing it.
- It gives me a focus which distracts me from the emotions I am feeling.
- Cutting can stop some of the more serious self harming behaviours or suicidal actions.
- It gives me a sense of control.
- It stops racing thoughts.


Cons -

- I feel like I have to hide it from people around me.
- It usually involves me telling lies.
- I feel a sense of guilt the next day which can last days.
- There is the stigma of self harming I have to deal with.
- Can get stuck in the self harming rut where it gets out of hand.
- It could cause serious permanent problems (infections, perforations etc).
- It is only a temporary fix.
- I waste money on razors/pills/needles. This could be spent on more nice things.
- There is a chance I will regret it.
- I will get more scars which is just a permanent reminder of bad times.
- It could cause irreversible damage to my internal organs.
- I may have to go to the hospital. I will have to face personal questions and can feel like I am wasting their time when they have other more deserving patients that need treating.
- I may have to face negative/hurtful comments.
- Taking care of any injuries such as dressing wounds is a hassle.
- Even if mean to not do serious harm it can lead to that. Planning small cuts usually leads to bigger more serious wounds.
- I already have a lot of scars and I don't want more. What will I say to people in the future about how I have got them.
- Feeling I may have let people down when all they have done is try and help me. Again the feeling of wasting peoples time when there could be other people who would benefit more from their input.

So I do have more cons about self-harming than pros. But even still it doesn't really help. The pros are so powerful. I am struggling to see the negatives even though there are more of them and they are right in front of me in black and white.

What else can I do?

What Do I Want?

I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to live my life normally. I suppose that is a positive statement. I want to LIVE my life normally. Does that mean I am actually moving forward? I think maybe some or a lot of it is that I don't have the energy or effort to put in to planning and trying to kill myself. I do still have massive urges and feel I would be rather dead than live like this. But I don't have the energy to plan, I don't have the energy to put anything in to action.

Also, I can't go through what I went through again. It was horrendous. If I did anything I would have to be sure it worked. But I can't even think about it at the moment. I don't have any energy to focus in to planning.

Things are pretty shit at the moment. I am struggling quite a bit. But I am trying. I am trying to get out and see friends. I am forcing myself. I went out Friday night. Went to see a band. They were really good. Although bumped in to 2 staff members from the PICU I was on. Made me feel really weird. Put me on a bit of an edge all night. I wasn't going to drink at all and stick to soft drinks. But I didn't even manage one soft drink. It was vodka and diet coke all night. I was quite drunk. I know I use alcohol as a crutch. Seeing the two staff from the ward was really weird and put me in to a weird mood. And how did I deal with that...downing the drinks. I didn't get so wasted I passed out. I didn't start hysterically crying. I didn't come home and self harm or anything. But I was very drunk. I do remember falling over and I have two swollen, black knees. It wasn't as though it was two staff members that I didn't like or who had restrained me. It was two of my favourite ones.

I was talking to my friend after about it and I said that I was feeling quite weird about it. I said I was sock of lying about how things were with people. But at the same time when people ask how you are you don't really want to go in to how you only came out of hospital less than a month ago, how you nearly died and how you take each day at a time etc. It could put a bit of a downer on someones night out. And, there is some stuff you just don't want people knowing. So you just say that you're great and doing really well etc etc etc. I feel as though my life is one big lie. I'm sick of it, but there is nothing I will do about it as I don't want to bring down the people around me. So I will keep going on my own.

Everything is taking its toll physically on me as well. I went to get my eyes checked on Thursday and to get some contact lenses. I noticed a few weeks ago that I had one pupil quite a bit larger than the other. But I ignored it not really thinking anything of it. She asked if I had had a head injury and after we ruled out that she said it was probably due to stress. I didn't tell her about my problems or anything. However, she did ask what medications I was on and when I told her I was about to start Lamotrigine and so she probably just worked out I am not the most mentally stable person and probably just inferred that I was experiencing stress. She told me to see my GP about it.

I also went to the hairdresser on Thursday and she was looking at my hair and she said to me "you do realise you have alopecia don't you"? I had noticed my hair coming out quite a lot but she told me I have a bald patch. I'm really worried about it. I am a very vain person. I freaked when I was told I almost had a tracheotomy because that would have left a visible scar on my neck. So, I was told to see my GP about that.

I have still not had a period, it's been 2 months now. So another thing to talk to my GP about. Luckily the surgery actually called me on Wednesday and asked me if I could come in tomorrow (Tuesday) to discuss medication. I imagine I will be that person who makes everyone late again as I will probably be in with her longer than my allotted time.

I did see my CPN on Friday for an appointment and it went ok. We talked about the DBT assessment and how I felt about it. She said it's something that I need to discuss with the psychologist. I feel lost and that they could give up on me. At the moment I will be seeing my CPN once every other week and the psychologist every other week. Throw in there my OT and TSW, I will definitely be seeing someone at least once a week, sometimes more.

So to sum it up. Feeling shitty and lost. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh!

So What Now?

After months of being told "you should do DBT, it will help, it will make you better, you need to do this". I today have been told that it is not suitable for me and that it probably wouldn't work.

OK, it has clarified what I thought. DBT is mostly about emotion regulation and I don't have problems with that. But I suppose I wanted to be proven wrong. Everyone has been saying for so long that it is the best treatment around and that I should do it as it would probably be the only thing that helped with the self-harm and suicidal behaviours. And now I have been told that basically the problems I have wouldn't be addressed through DBT. So where does that leave me then. I am worried they are going to give up on me. Medication is not working well and now they are saying that the DBT wouldn't.

I still don't know if I would have actually have done the DBT. But it would have been nice to know that it could actually help me. Now I feel as though nothing could. I considered it, I really did and that is more than I have ever done. I have always been so set against it saying on no uncertain terms would I do it. But I considered it, and was coming around to the idea. I don't want to be like this and now I can't see a way out. It must be the only time that I feel crap about being proven right.

The assessment itself was horrible. Even though it was my psychologist and a nurse I knew doing it, it was different as firstly there were two people and that makes me uncomfortable and secondly I was worrying that anything I was going to say would be scrutinised and that the psychologist would be thinking along the lines of "well that's not what you've said in the past". I was truthful, but I have this feeling that my view of things and his view may differ and that what I perceive to be how things are on how he does is different. He actually stopped me half way through and said that I appeared as though I was being quite guarded. I didn't think I was. I just felt a lot of the questions were irrelevant and only required a straight forward no answer. On the questions where I could say yes that that did happen she was asking for an exact example and when it happened.

I just found it really difficult and out of control. I am used to being in control of what happens in sessions when I see the psychologist. I choose what I want to talk about. Where as this was nothing like it and I felt really uncomfortable.

What the Psychologist did say to me after was that what the assessment has highlighted was how much of a problem for me avoidance is and what I will do to avoid doing or approaching things that could have negative outcomes or that are hard to do for me. It's like with uni. I don't want to contact my course director and tell her what has been going on and arrange to have a meeting with her because that meeting could lead to me being told that I am not able to recommence the course. Of course, it could also lead to me being told that I could go back in September. But for me rather than risk having that bad news and then having to deal with that, I would rather just not know. So that is something we are going to work on.

I'm a lost cause.

While I agree that there are traits of PD in me, such as the self harming and suicidal behaviours, I don't agree with a diagnosis of it. This has reinforced my belief in that. Surly if I was BPD then the DBT would work for me. And now I am told it won't. So what the hell can I do??????????????????

More news on the neighbour front. The downstairs noisy one who I was told didn't live there. Well, Sunday morning at 6am, yes 6AM, I was woken to screaming, shouting, swearing and banging. I laid in bed for about 20minutes listening to it going on and I grew quite concerned. So I called the police on the non emergency number and explained to them what was going on and that while they are noisy and annoying generally, I was actually calling out of concern as it was quite odd behaviour and at one point it sounded as though he was shouting to be let out. After about 15minutes on the phone with the police and them asking me about my health to which I told them I had mental health problems and that it was making them worse I went to the bathroom and could hear shouting coming from out the back.

 I didn't really think much of it and went out for a cigarette anyway. I saw my next door neighbour outside the gate involved in an heated discussion with someone. The neighbour saw me come out and I asked him if it was downstairs. He said it was. So I marched over and gave him what for about his behaviour and said how it wasn't on that he was banging around and shouting, slamming doors so hard my place shakes. He gets quite aggressive back (I was quite calm and not aggressive at all) he starts trying to make a grab at me and getting in my personal space and close up to me which I didn't like. It became apparent he was quite drunk. I knew we weren't going to get anywhere and basically said to him this and that he should go home and I had already called the police as I was concerned about what was happening. To this he exploded and had a massive go at me slating the police and how they were useless and he hates them etc etc. He tried to grab on to me saying I should go to his now and then to talk to him about the noise and he wanted to show me the door he was having problems with which was why he needed to slam it to close. I told him I wouldn't be going anywhere with him as firstly he was very drunk and being quite aggressive and secondly it was not even 7am on a Sunday morning and I was in my PJ's.

In the end I just said to him that we weren't going to get anywhere and both my next door neighbour and I just walked off from him. When we were back in our courtyard my neighbour then proceeded to tell me that he had also called the police and then went round to his flat. He said he was very aggressive towards him and followed him back to our flats. While he followed him back downstairs picked up a brick and threw it through next doors window and threatened to kill him. The neighbour went in and I had another cig. I then saw a police man running by the gate. I shouted after him and asked him where he was looking for and he said my address. So I told him how it wasn't here he needed to respond to but to the flat below which is accessed from the other road. I told him what had happened since my call to them and he was quite rude to me when I couldn't give a good description of him. All I could tell him was that it was an Asian male in his mid 30's. I knocked on the neighbours door and he managed to reel off what he was wearing, how it hair was cut, how tall he was and even tattoos. I am so unobservant. I probably wouldn't even recognise the guy if I ran in to him in the street. I am crap with faces and things like that.

But now I have this massive worry that he knows who I am, he knows where I live and he knows it was me who called the police which would have lead to his arrest. He obviously hates the police and I would imagine he would have been done for criminal damage and warned about the noise coming from his flat. He is an aggressive man who my neighbour has seen being arrested on a couple of occasions for fighting in the street. He has only lived there about a month! So I am really worried that he is going to retaliate against me. I worry he is going to put my windows in or that he will attack me if he sees me out. Every noise I hear I get really paranoid about and I don't feel safe in my own home.

And, I don't really know what to do if he continues with the loud music late at night. I don't really feel I can report him to the police again as of how he was and he knows who I am. I am scared of any repercussions if I do call the police again. I did report him to my landlord who said he would be in contact with the owner of the building. But, who knows what will actually happen. Probably nothing.

I had mentioned it to my psychologist when I saw him last week about the noise and how I had mentioned it to my landlord and the email I had back from my landlord basically said that the owners weren't aware of anyone living there. So my psychologist questioned if it was actually happening and if I was hallucinating it. I didn't think I was as I was feeling it as well. Not just hearing it. And while I do get visual and occasional auditory hallucinations, I have not felt anything. So I didn't think this was the case. But I did question myself.

I briefly mentioned it today before we started the assessment and he asked if I was feeling relieved that it wasn't an hallucination. I said I was, but actually thinking about it and how I have been feeling since. I wish I was hallucinating it. An hallucination wouldn't hurt me or cause damage to my home. I really am scared and paranoid about it. I didn't talk in detail about it as it wasn't really the place, but I suppose it's something to talk about next week with him in more detail.

Seeing my CPN on Friday. Will be able to debrief with her a bit I assume as I reckon the psychologist will have written in my notes about what happened today at the assessment.

Until then.......