Reeling

So today I went to a shop with my two young nephews on my own. They are 3 and 2. It was all fine until we were back in the car park. I was putting the youngest in the car and had opened the other door for the other one. I didn't realise he had opened it all the way and it was ever so lightly resting on the crappy car next to mine. Next thing I know her window is winded down and she is screaming and shouting at me. So I asked the oldest one to pull the door in. I wanted to get the youngest strapped in first. Next thing I know she is looking like she is getting out and storming over to me f-ing and blinding at me. So I said you could have asked nicely and there are children here so do you mind watching your language. So she starts laying in to me calling me all the names under the sun. She drove out her space and winds her drivers window down and carries on and calls me a fat bitch and saying I need to lose weight etc. This woman is not exactly the the thinnest person I have ever seen. She is really going for it. My come back is...go to hell you bloody chav!

I really had to restrain myself. If it hadn't have been for the kids I would have marched over to her car and yanked her out. The funny thing was though. The oldest nephew goes to me if you don't know her how did you know her name. I said I didn't. He said you did you called her Chav. So I had a whole lot of explaining to do saying I had called her a name and it wasn't very nice and you shouldn't call other people names as it's not good. He said when he's his Daddy's age he would be allowed to. I said not as it's still not nice. So he asked me what it meant and I kept saying it's just not a nice word. He forgot what I called her and kept asking and I said it doesn't matter. I can't have him going round calling other kids at nursery chavs. Lol.

I think it scared him quite a bit as all the way home he was going on about the naughty woman and he was really worried I was angry at him and his brother. I assured him I wasn't. And then he kept asking if we were going around to her house, I said not. He was going on and on about it saying I don't want to go there please don't make me go there. Ever. I never ever want to go there. Poor little mite. What a bitch. I am glad in a way they were there as it did make me restrain myself as if it hadn't have been for them I would have marched right up there and pulled her out her car.

I don't know what is getting in to me. The other night I was cut up by some horrible young boy racer rough looking type. So I shoved my hand on my horn. He pulled up at the side of me and started giving me the finger so I gave him the wanker sign and started shouting at him. I was willing him to get out his car and come over to me. I was all ready for the confrontation. I do all I can to avoid confrontation usually. I kept having visions of him coming over to me and opening my car door and me getting out and giving him all of everything.

So that's that.

Went to see CPN today. Was quite weird. She has a student with her who has been there the past couple of times. She has usually remained quite quiet and observed but today she took over at first. I didn't like it. I don't know her and felt really weird answering her questions. I could tell she was nervous as she kept looking over to Beth for validation in what she was doing but I just couldn't engage with her.

So anyway, when Beth took over she asked me about the experiences. I told her about them and she told me what the psychologist had thought it was and she was in agreement. That basically lack of sleep and extra stress is causing it. I said I didn't feel stressed and we talked about stress a bit and it seems as though I have my terminology of it wrong. I said I feel stress to be when I have assignments due in, no money loads of outgoings and no time etc. She said that was a common thought of it but they meant mental anguish and that the mental anguish I am under is also seen as stress. I said ok, I could probably agree with this. She asked me if I would like to see the doctor for a diagnosis. I asked what the point was. She said he's a doctor he diagnoses and we can only give out opinion of what is happening. So I said, you and the psychologist if you are both saying you think it is caused by the same thing, you are both mental health professionals I don't see the point in seeing the doctor. I don't want to see him. She said she doesn't think it's a psychotic illness, I've not been drinking or doing drugs so is not to do with that so the only other cause is because of stress and lack of sleep. So I just said OK that's fine.

I also asked about the whole confidentiality thing once I move out. She said if is seen as life threatening and I won't do anything about it then it will probably be that they would look to do a MHA assessment and nearest relative would be informed anyway as you do with a MHA assessment. She said if I informed them of something it would be taken back to the MDT and they would decide as as team what would be the next step. So basically it still looks like I can't talk about exactly how serious the self harm has been these past few weeks as I'll end up having a MHA assessment.

Not that it really matters anyway as I plan on ending things pretty soon and I will only be seeing the psychologist once more and the OT once more. I shouldn't have to see anyone after that.