How It Went

OK. I suppose. We actually spent most of the session talking about something that I hadn't planned on talking about at all. Something that bothered me at the time but I didn't think did now. What I am talking about is the incident in the car park the other week and also the incident where there was a bit of road rage.

I told him how I was quite upset with myself how I had lost it, especially in front of the kids. He said I shouldn't worry about it too much and I should be proud of myself for standing up for myself as it's not something I usually do as I do all I can to avoid any confrontation. Also he said I initially tried to de-esculate and initially remained calm and sensible without getting angry. We talked quite a bit about it as I said I was upset by it as it's not like me to lose it at all. He said it's a pretty normal response flight or fight and all that. I told him about how if the kids hadn't have been there and a similar thing had happened I would have dragged that woman out the car. Also how when there was the incident where I was cut up how I was willing the guy to get out his car.

I told him about how when I was with GOM and we used to argue I sometimes used to lose it and end up throwing things at him when I was really angry. I also reminded him of the incident with Fingers where I kicked him in the balls. He said he had forgotten about that but then he said if he remembered correctly I had put in a complaint against Fingers about his treatment (his derogatory comments and the wrong restraint causing me loads of bruising) of me saying I was provoked by him and the complaint was upheld. So he has made me feel a little better about it. I didn't realise how much it had affected me those incidents until I talked about it. He hit the nail on the head when he said that my non-verbals indicated I felt shame about it all. I said he was right and he said I shouldn't. But it was pretty common for females to feel shame when they show powerful emotions such as anger as from a young age we are led to believe that girls should always be prim and proper and not get angry and boys are OK to rough and tumble and anger is more of a male trait. I agreed with him on that.

In terms of the experiences I have been having I said they were still continuing. He said he had talked to my CPN about it and she didn't think medication was the answer. He asked what I thought and I said how I didn't really want to take any more medication and being as though her and him are both mental health professionals if they think it's down to sleep deprivation (which is not the case anymore) and a lot of stress (which still is the case) then I'll go with what they say.

We talked about the self harm on Monday night. I said I felt really let down with myself that I had only managed 3 nights on my own before cutting deep enough to self harm. He told me not to beat myself up about it. As really it had been since November since I had done anything that required a trip to hospital. Of course I didn't tell him I had been swallowing razors a few times a week. But I did say how I didn't really get why I went to the hospital as I had done things a lot worse and not bothered going. He said I should be proud of myself for going. I told him about how I couldn't let them stitch one of them as it was too painful. He seemed quite concerned that I have a hole in my leg.

I don't know how we got on to it but came straight out and asked me if I had the means to do anything and I said I did. He asked if I had been storing them for a while and I said I had. He said I should consider taking them to a pharmacy to get them to dispose of them. I said I didn't want to as I need them.

He asked if he would see me for my next appointment in 2 weeks. I said I would. Of course I couldn't say that my plan is within the next two weeks so hopefully won't be seeing him. He asked why I would be seeing him when I said I wanted to die. I couldn't answer him.

I was quite surprised with how today's session went. There was more I wanted to discuss with him but we ran out of time. Sometimes I feel that an hour once a fortnight isn't enough.