I Think They're On To Me.

Maybe I am being paranoid, maybe I'm not. I get my prescriptions on a complete repeat from the pharmacy. Meaning that the pharmacy collects the repeat and then issues it. So I don't have to bother making a trip to the docs to hand in the repeat script, then go back again to pick up the new one. i just go to the pharmacy to collect my meds. Last month I was told they would be ready on the 6th. So last week I went to go get them and they then told me that they were not due til the 11th. I went in today, the 12th and they said that they had the script but the doctor had said they would not sign it as it was not yet due to be issued as I should have a few left. I told them I had ran out, a lie so the pharmacist had to go see the doc to get it signed.

I think they are on to me as to what I have been doing. For the past few times I have been getting my scripts earlier and earlier and stockpiling the meds left over. I think my team has informed my doctor that I am deteriorating and I have a plan so they are being mindful of what drugs they give me. I've noticed the date the pharmacist has given me to go collect the next batch will be the day I am supposed to completely run out so I won't be able to get them earlier.

It doesn't really matter though as I have enough now and I have a date as well.

I saw my OT yesterday and it was a bit of a waste of time. She keeps asking me what I am doing with my time and I don't really know what to say. I don't know what I am doing with my time. It just seems to pass and I am not doing anything in particular. I have had no meaning in my life now since July 2011 when I was last at uni. Nothing to get up for, nothing to work towards. But if I am honest. It doesn't bother me. I don't feel the need to have any meaning in my life. I can't see the point in getting out of bed in the morning or doing anything and it doesn't bother me that I feel that way. I suppose that is the depression though isn't it. People have said to me that I must feel like I am going mad (I am already there and have been a while) not having any meaning and that they couldn't live their life like that. That sure a few days of doing nothing at first is nice but after a while they get sick of it. I'm not like that. I can't face doing anything at the moment. I can't commit to anything.

I was supposed to be doing some volunteering work. But that is the last thing on my mind at the moment. I can't do it. I have no interests in anything at the moment. No interest in any kind of life. It's pretty sad really. And I do feel bad. I am getting all these benefits. Soon it will be around £1400 a month if you include housing benefit and council tax benefit yet what do I give back. Nothing. I am a drain on society. I should be doing something to give it back instead of being me. People go out to work and pay their taxes so I can do nothing!!! It won't be for much longer I suppose. But I still feel bad about it. I can't even really say that I have made much of a contribution towards it in the tax that I have paid as I don't think I have paid as much tax as I have claimed in the last year or so on benefits. Most of my jobs have been part time and low paid so you don't pay much tax. I am just a drain. If it wasn't for me the NHS would be in a better position. Hours wouldn't be being cut from people who want to work and help others. Those others being people who can get and will get better and will benefit from the resources that are being put in.

I have read that the cost of Quetiapine per 25mg is £6.08. I take 200mg a day. So in a month that's £680. To order depakote online it would cost £120 for a months supply and the lofepramine £58. Of and then there's my Metformin which is around £10 per month. Do I pay anything towards this. No. I don't even have to pay the £7.65 NHS prescription costs for each item. As you can see I am a drain!

I am not getting better. I am just taking up resources. I have an OT, a CPN, a Psychiatrist, a Psychologist. I'm am a joke!